Adoptive parents: Would you do it again?

[Gettin' Older]

I am new to this site and am soooo grateful today for this thread. I have been feeling somewhat better knowing I am not alone in my misery and hurt over this adult child. This week she (she is an anti-vaxxer) screamed at me because I mentioned I got the shingles vaccine. Now she won't speak to me and said she feels I have disrespected everything she stands for. I have tried calling her several times, but she won't take my calls. I just can't understand why every single thing I do is wrong in her eyes, and that I am such a disappointment to her.
At this time in my life it is gut-wrenching to still feel like I am a complete failure in her eyes. I have another adopted daughter who loves me to the moon and back, so I am left with not being able to understand. I'm not stupid...I have a Master's degree, but still I can't understand the one daughter.

 

[Copabanana]

I mentioned I got the shingles vaccine.

Now she won't speak to me and said she feels I have disrespected everything she stands for.

I don't understand this, how what you do to your body and for your health and well-being has anything at all to do with her. I think she is being irrational and reactive. I think mother's catch a whole lot of grief that they don't deserve.

I read your signature and I saw that this daughter has psychological problems around her child who has autism. I would try very hard to not personalize what she is saying and doing. Clearly it has nothing at all to do with you, although she directs her venom at you.

And the part about blaming you for your DNA, this seems extreme to me. How is it that it's not the father's DNA? This is illogical and off the wall.

I am sorry this is happening to you. Shingles is painful and dreadful and I think you were wise to vaccinate. My sister got shingles. I have thought about the vaccine but haven't gotten around to it. I think I'm kind of dumb to not do it.

Welcome.

 

[BusynMember1]

I get it, sadly. My daughter is the same. I dont respect her if I get vaccines so I dont even tell her. They are brainwashed and sick and probably mentally ill. I am expected to respect her choices but she doesn't respect mine. Of course mine are scientifically proven to be helpful and hers arent, but I am a sheeple. Its our kids. They are sick and cult like.

 

[BusynMember1]

It most certainly seems personal. I think it is meant to be. Nobody says such hurtful things if they don't mean them to be personal. Also they dont need to direct venom at us. I think Kay means it in a personal way and I take it as such. My other kids never do this to me. It isn't the norm. Most kids never show this degree of hate. This is unique to our "different" children. And mental illness is no excuse to hurt us, physically and emotionally.

My handle should have been Shattered Mom.

 

[Nomad]

As a related side note...I think it’s sad when folks think it’s okay to turn on others because they strongly disagree on an issue. That might be political or in this case the vaccines. Your daughter feels very strongly that the vaccines are a big problem and that is her right to feel that way.(It’s your right not to feel that way) It’s her right to campaign against vaccines. It’s not ok to treat you like a second class citizen/ human being because you don’t agree with her. Extra appalling / disturbing because you are her mother. This is a free country. We live among people with very different religions and all is accepted and peaceful (usually) as it should be. It’s very bothersome when people can’t leave people alone when they think differently on a topic. They can’t see them as a loving, good human being. You are not breaking the law. You just see things differently than your daughter and possibly just on one topic. You are being vilified like you are evil. It’s hurtful, wrong and a little immature. I hope she can just drop it and the topic between the two of you never discussed.

By the way, there is a book out there that uses the word “Tribes,” in the title. Can’t think of the title this second.

When I was working as a counselor in group therapy with young people, I noticed something clearly. These kids were lacking something. One might call it a “Tribe.” I had /have trouble verbalizing it. But, I will try...

The great majority had no identity to call their own. No family cohesiveness. No religion. No sports. No cause. No interests. They went to school and tried not to hate it. They were simply existing. If they could rally against something they disliked...I could easily see where that would catch on like wild fire. NOT necessarily in a healthy way. They were empty for some reason and needed a cause, an interest ....ANYTHING to call their own. It is hard to explain fully. But I can see where some might find an interest and become over zealous....and unwell.

Additionally, it seems today some folks simply think it’s ok to be mean to others if they don’t agree with a cause they are passionate about.

It’s all just wrong in my humble opinion.

 

[BusynMember1]

I think this is Kay.

 

[Copabanana]

The great majority had no identity to call their own. No family cohesiveness. No religion. No sports. No cause. No interests. They went to school and tried not to hate it. They were simply existing.

Hi Nomad: Didn't you sleep last night? By my calculation you were up in the wee hours. Oh. I see now. You were just up very early. I have a hard time figuring out time zones.

I think you have hit on something. I think all of us need somewhere to belong. Increasingly we have a hard time. I read that since the 80's people self-report that they have fewer friendships and they long for friends. For whatever reason the structural and community supports, the way we work, the patterns of belonging to groups and churches and synagogues, no longer support close friendships in the ways they once did. I thought it was just me. But apparently it's not.

This is a real problem. Because I have a hard time seeing how it will change, as more and more of us use social media as a primary mode of communication and belonging. However much I love this site and it has worked for me, I wish you all were in my neighborhood or town, or that I felt the same degree of connection to people I could sit with and see and hug.

For me, consistent to what you write, I am trying very hard to locate myself in an identity that is outside of just me, principally through my faith, but also in my community. It's hard, because outside of faith traditions, the mechanisms do not seem to exist.

Luckily for me, I have a profession, potentially, around which I can build connection. So, I am challenging myself to do so.

 

[Nomad]

I have had trouble sleeping. Crazy in law problems abound. Frustrated and sad.

 

[overcome mom]

I know this is an older thread but I have been thinking about the answer to this ever since the question was asked. It is so very hard to say. When we adopted my son it was hands down the best day of my life. We had been trying for many years to have a biological child and it just wasn't going to happen. When we got the call about him I was over the moon. That feeling lasted until he was about 8. Then he stated to have some problems (ADD). That really didn't seem unsurmountable but I realized that we had to do somethings differently. From then until he was about 12 we had some behavior issues but nothing that I didn't think we could handle. Then at 13 he really started to lie more and to steal. Things got way worse after that with running away , getting arrested, 2 times prison and so on and so on. In the last 11 years it has been hell. There has been only a very few fleeting times between that there has been anything positive. When positive things do happen it is very hard to enjoy them as I know in a short time the next crisis will come. Right now in this moment I really don't know if the good times make up for the bad. He has matured some but still it's the same day in and day out. If things continue on the same trajectory I would have to say it was not a good idea to adopt. I use to tell myself that if he was with his birthmother things would have been even worse for him but at this point that is very hard to imagine. I feel terrible for saying this and would never tell him that as I do love him with all my heart. It has been so much pain.

 

[Gettin' Older]

As a related side note...I think it’s sad when folks think it’s okay to turn on others because they strongly disagree on an issue. That might be political or in this case the vaccines. Your daughter feels very strongly that the vaccines are a big problem and that is her right to feel that way.(It’s your right not to feel that way) It’s her right to campaign against vaccines. It’s not ok to treat you like a second class citizen/ human being because you don’t agree with her. Extra appalling / disturbing because you are her mother. This is a free country. We live among people with very different religions and all is accepted and peaceful (usually) as it should be. It’s very bothersome when people can’t leave people alone when they think differently on a topic. They can’t see them as a loving, good human being. You are not breaking the law. You just see things differently than your daughter and possibly just on one topic. You are being vilified like you are evil. It’s hurtful, wrong and a little immature. I hope she can just drop it and the topic between the two of you never discussed.

By the way, there is a book out there that uses the word “Tribes,” in the title. Can’t think of the title this second.

When I was working as a counselor in group therapy with young people, I noticed something clearly. These kids were lacking something. One might call it a “Tribe.” I had /have trouble verbalizing it. But, I will try...

The great majority had no identity to call their own. No family cohesiveness. No religion. No sports. No cause. No interests. They went to school and tried not to hate it. They were simply existing. If they could rally against something they disliked...I could easily see where that would catch on like wild fire. NOT necessarily in a healthy way. They were empty for some reason and needed a cause, an interest ....ANYTHING to call their own. It is hard to explain fully. But I can see where some might find an interest and become over zealous....and unwell.

Additionally, it seems today some folks simply think it’s ok to be mean to others if they don’t agree with a cause they are passionate about.

It’s all just wrong in my humble opinion.

 

[Gettin' Older]

I have been traveling for a few weeks and just returned. My daughter has not spoken to me in 2 months since the vaccine thing. I have tried calling her a number of times, but her phone just immediately goes to voice mail. I'm pretty sure she sees it's me and just sends it to voice mail. I wouldn't leave a voice mail because I know she hates that and will never listen to them. She really does hurt me over and over and over. I love her so much, but she seems determined to take out her venum on me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be treated like a terrible person (I really am a loving mother according to all the other children). However, I don't know how to interact with this daughter so that we can at least have a decent relationship together. I am thinking of sending some small gifts for the grandkids to say "I love you and miss you." What do you all think---good or bad idea? I need help here.

Gettin' Older

 

[Gettin' Older]

I have been traveling for a few weeks and just returned. My daughter has not spoken to me in 2 months since the vaccine thing. I have tried calling her a number of times, but her phone just immediately goes to voice mail. I'm pretty sure she sees it's me and just sends it to voice mail. I wouldn't leave a voice mail because I know she hates that and will never listen to them. She really does hurt me over and over and over. I love her so much, but she seems determined to take out her venum on me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be treated like a terrible person (I really am a loving mother according to all the other children). However, I don't know how to interact with this daughter so that we can at least have a decent relationship together. I am thinking of sending some small gifts for the grandkids to say "I love you and miss you." What do you all think---good or bad idea? I need help here.

Gettin' Older

 

[Gettin' Older]

I'm going to try to find the book you mentioned. Thanks.

 

[Gettin' Older]

I get it, sadly. My daughter is the same. I dont respect her if I get vaccines so I dont even tell her. They are brainwashed and sick and probably mentally ill. I am expected to respect her choices but she doesn't respect mine. Of course mine are scientifically proven to be helpful and hers arent, but I am a sheeple. Its our kids. They are sick and cult like.

 

[Gettin' Older]

Sheesh....do we have the same dauaghter???

 

[BusynMember1]

They sound very similar. Sad, right?

I am on vacation now to clear my head but I do check the forum. My husband and I are trying hard not to engage Kay. If we sent our grandson a present, as we have done before when she would not speak to us, she and her not so nice husband would not give our grandson our gift. They send it back. So we dont bother anymore. If your daughter will give the gifts to your grands, I think its fine. Do take care. Its exhausting to have a kid like our kids.

 

[Copabanana]

do we have the same daughter???

Dear Older.

I chase after my son too when I feel that he is ignoring me. I get desperate. I wish I could say it's because I'm worried about him but it's because I cannot bear being out of touch when I am vulnerable in a certain kind of way.

In my case, eventually my son does call me. Eventually, our relationship evens out, even if it is on low.

It sounds different in the case of your daughter. When I was a child (I'm getting older too) there was a game called "pin the tail on the donkey" where the kids who were blindfolded took turns trying to pin the tail on a picture of the donkey which was hung on the wall.

Your daughter is doing this to you. She is using you to pin on you all of her pain and agony and guilt and anger that she feels, due to her child's autism. All of the things she says that are your fault, are things she feels at fault for. It's her genes. Her mistake. What she did wrong. Not you. But she can't bear feeling it was her, and she can't undue it. She can't escape her situation. And she can't accept it. And so she turns on you, and makes you her scapegoat. You are the bad guy. This is her only out. As long as she is doing this there is no way to stop it. The prayer is that she works this through, finds some resolution and acceptance of what happens.

But what can you do? What I think you can do is to protect yourself. To me in the case where she is unrelenting in her rejection and anger, to seek her out, even through the kids, is to subject yourself to more pain and to give her the chance to lash out at you even more. This Is not good for you or for her. She is an adult woman. Adult women don't get to use their mothers as a psychological whipping boy. And the more you permit her to victimize you, the more it may confirm her sense that you are guilty, and deserving of punishment.

I know how hard this must be. But the first thing is to protect yourself.

I think sometimes the thing to do is to try to look at the other person's plight. Of course I am not saying to align with her persecution of you. What I am suggesting is compassion for her pain and suffering. At a distance. To stop looking for ANYTHING at all from her and to pray for her pain to ease.

 

[Gettin' Older]

Dear Older.

I chase after my son too when I feel that he is ignoring me. I get desperate. I wish I could say it's because I'm worried about him but it's because I cannot bear being out of touch when I am vulnerable in a certain kind of way.

In my case, eventually my son does call me. Eventually, our relationship evens out, even if it is on low.

It sounds different in the case of your daughter. When I was a child (I'm getting older too) there was a game called "pin the tail on the donkey" where the kids who were blindfolded took turns trying to pin the tail on a picture of the donkey which was hung on the wall.

Your daughter is doing this to you. She is using you to pin on you all of her pain and agony and guilt and anger that she feels, due to her child's autism. All of the things she says that are your fault, are things she feels at fault for. It's her genes. Her mistake. What she did wrong. Not you. But she can't bear feeling it was her, and she can't undue it. She can't escape her situation. And she can't accept it. And so she turns on you, and makes you her scapegoat. You are the bad guy. This is her only out. As long as she is doing this there is no way to stop it. The prayer is that she works this through, finds some resolution and acceptance of what happens.

But what can you do? What I think you can do is to protect yourself. To me in the case where she is unrelenting in her rejection and anger, to seek her out, even through the kids is to subject yourself to more pain and to give her the chance to lash out at you even more. This Is not good for you or for her. She is an adult woman. Adult women don't get to use their mothers as a psychological whipping boy. And the more you permit her to victimize you, the more it may confirm her sense that you are guilty, and deserving of punishment.

I know how hard this must be. But the first thing is to protect yourself.

I think sometimes the thing to do is to try to look at the other person's plight. Of course I am not saying to align with her persecution of you. What I am suggesting is compassion for her pain and suffering. At a distance. To stop looking for ANYTHING at all from her and to pray for her pain to ease.

Dear Older.

I chase after my son too when I feel that he is ignoring me. I get desperate. I wish I could say it's because I'm worried about him but it's because I cannot bear being out of touch when I am vulnerable in a certain kind of way.

In my case, eventually my son does call me. Eventually, our relationship evens out, even if it is on low.

It sounds different in the case of your daughter. When I was a child (I'm getting older too) there was a game called "pin the tail on the donkey" where the kids who were blindfolded took turns trying to pin the tail on a picture of the donkey which was hung on the wall.

Your daughter is doing this to you. She is using you to pin on you all of her pain and agony and guilt and anger that she feels, due to her child's autism. All of the things she says that are your fault, are things she feels at fault for. It's her genes. Her mistake. What she did wrong. Not you. But she can't bear feeling it was her, and she can't undue it. She can't escape her situation. And she can't accept it. And so she turns on you, and makes you her scapegoat. You are the bad guy. This is her only out. As long as she is doing this there is no way to stop it. The prayer is that she works this through, finds some resolution and acceptance of what happens.

But what can you do? What I think you can do is to protect yourself. To me in the case where she is unrelenting in her rejection and anger, to seek her out, even through the kids is to subject yourself to more pain and to give her the chance to lash out at you even more. This Is not good for you or for her. She is an adult woman. Adult women don't get to use their mothers as a psychological whipping boy. And the more you permit her to victimize you, the more it may confirm her sense that you are guilty, and deserving of punishment.

I know how hard this must be. But the first thing is to protect yourself.

I think sometimes the thing to do is to try to look at the other person's plight. Of course I am not saying to align with her persecution of you. What I am suggesting is compassion for her pain and suffering. At a distance. To stop looking for ANYTHING at all from her and to pray for her pain to ease.

I thank you for your clear thinking and compassionate advice. I am feeling stronger just reading your reply. As I re-read this a few times over the weekend I hope it Will sink in deeply enough for me to get my head around it and really strengthen myself. Thanks again.

 

[Gettin' Older]

They sound very similar. Sad, right?

I am on vacation now to clear my head but I do check the forum. My husband and I are trying hard not to engage Kay. If we sent our grandson a present, as we have done before when she would not speak to us, she and her not so nice husband would not give our grandson our gift. They send it back. So we dont bother anymore. If your daughter will give the gifts to your grands, I think its fine. Do take care. Its exhausting to have a kid like our kids.

 

[Gettin' Older]

I think she would give the gifts to her children. I just don't want them growing up thinking we don't care about them. It seems to be the only thing I can think of to have contact with them because our daughter won't take my calls so I can't even say hello to our grandkids. It is so hurtful.