Adult son addicted to pills and soon to be homeless

[DaisyFace]

I also wanted to add...

This forum is all about parents supporting parents through tough times. Many here have walked in your shoes. The advice you can find here has been a lifesaver for many - I know it has been for me!

When the members here advise you to "detach" - they are not giving you another tool or strategy to use to cure your child. They are not saying to cut contact or disown your child. This is not a condition you place on your child. In fact, detachment has little to do with your child...

Detachment is all about YOU.

Detachment means that you are choosing to let go of the drama. You are releasing what you cannot control.

You cannot control your son. You cannot fix him. It is out of your hands.

You cannot use money or material things to force him into a contract. (I will give you ____, if you _______ .) You cannot buy your way out of his manipulation. (OK - I will do _____, but you have to promise this is the last time!) You cannot set up an arrangement that guarantees you never have to worry about him. (If I can just get him _________, then he'll be OK.) It can't be done. Certainly, many parents have tried....

You need to find a way to be OK - even if your son is not. That is detachment.

Just a thought -

What if you took the money and cash for bus tickets and bought some tickets for you and your wife instead? What if the two of you took a weekend getaway? No phone. No tv. No internet. NO DRAMA! Spend some time focused on each other instead of your son for a while...

 

[Scott_G]

I'm happy to see that my wife is finally coming around. She told our son last night that we would be by to pick him up at 8AM and take him to the bus station, and if he wasn't there, he was on his own. Apparently the girlfriends parents would not take her back. She has an uncle that said she could stay with him but she had to make up her mind by Wednesday. She finally decided to go to South Carolina today. Before they left, I told them both (with my wife present as well) that this absolutely was the last time they would be getting any help from us and for better or worse, they needed to take care of themselves. We gave them the cash as they boarded the bus. We even waited and watched the bus leave. I told my wife again that whatever they do from this point out is all on them and we will not be offering any more help. My wife says she agrees and I hope that she continues to feel that way.

I am under no illusion to think that what we did is going to bring them any closer to getting clean. In fact I'm pretty certain they will screw up in South Carolina too. But now they are 1000 miles from home, and both the wife and I agree that it will be easier to detach with such a great physical separation. For better or for worse, we just wanted him to go. If he does decide to get his life together, it should be much easier there because he is going to be living somewhere with a much lower cost of living, and if he doesn't I have told his mother at least a half dozen times already that the answer is "no" if he asks for money, a way back home, or a place to stay.

 

[Scott_G]

In the latest turn of events, South Carolina didn't work out. It seems that there was a bit of misrepresentation on both sides. My son never told his godfather that he was bringing his girlfriend along with him, or that he was nearly homeless due to drugs and bad choices. Apparently the godfather forgot to mention that he lived in a small trailer in a very rural area that he shares with about a half dozen dogs. The son and his girlfriend did not want to stay there, and they quickly realized that a depressed rural area was not the place to go if you want to get your life back together, especially if you don't have a car. He decided that he wanted to go back to his original plan and go to Miami. He called the friend down there that he was originally going to stay with. His friend said he knew of an efficiency they could rent for $75 a week and he was even willing to loan them enough money to cover the rent for two months. The apartment was also right on a bus line. The only problem is that the 20 year old plaything did not want to go. So get this, he tells his mother that he wants to rent a car and bring her back home! (actually I think he was hoping we would take him in). Unfortunately this turn of events caused my wife to have a moment of weakness. She calls me at work all upset. She asks me if he can stay with us on a temporary basis, just until he can save up enough money (how? he has no job) to get a place of his own. Of course my answer is no, and she ends up hanging up on me. The fight continued when I got home. I was especially angered when I found out that this was her idea. He had not asked if he could come live with us.

A broken clock tells the correct time twice a day, and even my son can make the right decision once in a while. On Thursday he called his mother to tell her that he was putting 20 year old plaything on a bus back home and that he was getting on a bus to Miami. On Friday we went over to his old house to pick up a few things he wanted us to store for him. Well his ex-wife who originally wanted nothing to do with the house when they split up wasted no time getting back into the house. She changed the locks and our key did not work. My wife called her at work to ask for the keys so we could get the stuff. The ex didn't want to give us the key. She didn't even want us in the house! She said she was going to put his stuff out in the driveway and we could pick it up whenever. She also told my wife that our son ruined her life. So on Saturday the kid calls his mother pining away for his girlfriend. He told her he had a good mind to get on a bus and come back. I overheard the conversation and had to step in. I simply told him not to come home because there was nothing here for him. I told him that his ex had changed the locks on the house and was extremely angry, so that was not an option. He really has no other family in this state, and even if we did allow him to stay with us, it would only be him and not the girlfriend, and since neither of them have a car (and he would not be borrowing ours) he wouldn't be seeing her anyway as her relatives all live at least an hour away (presuming she is staying with family). I told him that the best thing he could do is to forget about her and get on with trying to put his life back together. He agreed to stay in Florida, at least for now.

Yesterday my wife calls the ex to see if the stuff has been put out in the driveway to be picked up. Well the ex tells my wife that 20 year old plaything is a heroin addict. Knowing the ex-wife, there is a 50/50 chance that this is actually true. This morning when the kid calls his mother, she confronts him with the accusation his ex-wife made. He reluctantly admits that his girlfriend is a heroin addict and he has been using as well. This is certainly not what we wanted to hear. At least they are not together anymore, for now anyway. As far as cleaning up and getting their acts together, I always thought that they would fail together, but had a chance apart. I felt that him refusing rehab and then taking her out of rehab one week into a 90 day program had doomed them both to failure from the start. Unless they were both serious about getting clean, neither of them would stop using. He says he is still very in love with her and he even started crying while he was talking to his mother today.

This whole thing is just a very sad situation. Even though I don't know her, I feel bad for this young girl as well. She's just a kid. I had a chance to talk a bit with her before they left for South Carolina and she told me that she really screwed up her life. She was college bound and had her financial aid all arranged. She was a good kid and loved ballet. But for whatever reason, she decided to throw it all away for drugs. Meeting my son didn't make life better for either of them. Together their lives spiraled out of control faster than they did individually. Now all of her possessions, save what she could fit into a suticase are in OUR basement.

 

[scent of cedar]

Even though I don't know her, I feel bad for this young girl as well. She's just a kid.

There are no right or wrong answers for any of us, when we are dealing with our self-destructing kids. We try to stay on the same page with our mates, and we do the best we know. We want to help them, we want to change them, we want to take control of our own lives and time and emotions, again.

Thank you for the update.

Cedar

 

[Mechdonna2]

Scott,

Hugs to you and your wife. So sorry you are going through this. I am going through this again. My difficult child and his girlfriend were living in my friend's home until they found their own place. The girlfriend found a job last May, and my friend agreed to give them a place to stay for a few weeks while they looked for their own place. The drug use increased to the point of going on all night long. The girlfriend went to work while my difficult child slept all day long. No one if our family will help the difficult child again.

I feel somewhat responsible, since I asked my friend to allow them to stay for a few weeks. They refused to leave and a deputy forced them to leave last night around midnight. My friend had a protective order against my difficult child. I offered to pay for an attorney to handle the eviction process. I could try to handle it, but I could make a mistake and the whole thing would be thrown out.

We have to go on and count our blessings. I can't imagine a worse heartache - detaching from our child. My son is 26 and as a child he was the joy of my life.