Adults - but still children in our minds ?

[scent of cedar]

Stands With Courage, each of us comes to terms with the horrible things that have happened to us and to our children in her own way. I was so much like you are now when I came to the site that it isn't even funny. Slowly but surely though, I was able to gain the perspective I needed to begin saying the words I had been taught to say, here.

And all at once, my difficult child was walking on uncertain ground.

Once that happened, I could see that he was playing me like some well-worn violin.

He knew exactly what to say, which notes to strike, to elicit the response he wanted.

Keep posting.

I just kept posting, too.

Little by little, you will learn how to see differently.

For your son's own sake, he needs to stand up and take responsibility for himself.

He is lost and afraid right now, too.

There is a mom who used to post here who lost a son shortly after she made him leave home. She had another son. He became addicted, too. Do you know what she did? Made him leave home, too. This mom got it that her son was never going to get better living with her. She understood that, even though she had lost a son, she could not protect the one she had left by keeping him home. Drug use is a hard, nasty thing. We need to be hard as flint to combat it. We (parents) are not going to be able to do it FOR our kids. They are going to have to stand, or fall, on their own.

Keep posting.

The thing that needs to change here is your perspective.

That takes time.

You can do this.

I did.

Eventually. :smile:

Barbara

 

[Jen]

Oh yeah I find myself do the same thing, then it always stirs up negative emotions in myself. My parents still treat me like I need direction, ie. they wanted to give me advice on how to take care of my grandchild, after brigning up kids of my own? lol

The difference though my parents trust that I will listen, know that I will follow through, will always show them respect, and at the same time not have to get emotionally distraught as we do.

Jen

 

[Sunlight]

you know a lot of kids move out and go to college at 18 or so. they rarely check back at home unless it is summer or a holiday. I think we all get hypervigilant about helping our difficult children thinking they cannot manage on their own (and some of them sure cant). at some point, we have to find a way to let them be in more control of their own lives and if they cant, they have to be managed by others. parents have a very hard time letting kids grow up.

 

[busywend]

Sometimes I think it is our expectations that are out of whack.

For me, I do not expect my difficult child to attend prom or ball or even possibly graduation. She talks about doing these things. But, I think the chances are lower than the average kid.

It is unlikely she will get her permit in a timely fashion as we have put a grade reward on it.

I hope she graduates. I would love to hear her name and watch her walk the stage. I do think it is unlikely. I figure she will be a GED person. She just hates school so much. She is already trying to find a different way to get her education. I wish I had a crystal ball for her sake.

Will I always wish I could have experienced those things with her? Maybe a little bit. But, it is much more important to me to have her grow up healthy and happy. Hopefully she will be able to be successful in whatever it is she strives for. As long as it is legal and rewarding! LOL!

 

[scent of cedar]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: goldenguru</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Quoted by Fran: "but in gg's case, she got her daughter back and she is doing ok"

I struggle with this statement Fran. Actually, I never did get my daughter back. I had a daughter ... and it seems that at about 14 years of age I lost her. To drugs. Drinking. Mental illness. Residential treatment. And so on. I literally lost YEARS of her life.

I missed proms. Dating. High school clubs. Band concerts. College.

I lack those mile stones. Those rights of passage that steer our lives from one season to the next. I am stuck ... I think ... because we never passed over those things that clearly delineate childhood from adulthood.

It's like going on a trip. You drive through state after state until you arrive at your destination. Thats what happens when you parent a 'normal' kid.

When you parent a troubled kid ... you drive and drive and but its disorienting because even though I have reached 'the destination' ... I didn't pass the mile markers that measured the journey.

Yes my daughter is doing well. But, it seems to me that I lost her at about 14. After four years of drama ... she moved out. I have missed those rites of passage that have moved me from being the mother of an early adolescent to the mother of an adult.

And just as my 'trip' analogy would leave one a bit disoriented ... it seems that missing those important years in her life have left me disoriented in terms of relating her to as an adult person.
</div></div>

I think that trip analogy is a wonderfully concise description, GG.

Your comments on proms and engagement parties and dating hit home for me, too.

I agree with you.

When everything seems to have come to fruition ~ when you can SEE the adults your children will become and then, you lose them, there IS a feeling of disbelief, of disconnect.

We have some friends whose children progressed not only normally, but optimally. One child is a doctor and the other, a physicist. (I know! Gag ME with a spoon.... :smile: ) And this is what is different about the relationship these parents have with their children:

1) Continuity. For them, there were no treatment centers, no hellish late night phone calls, no weird, unbelievable friends. There was no time when the child came back home and those parents were so afraid to do the wrong thing (again ~ whatever it was) that they were frozen in place.

2) An underlying presumption of successful parenting ~ whereas I, as everyone here knows, spent a good ten to twelve years CERTAIN I had parented so poorly that my children had suffered for it.
I just didn't know what it was I had done wrong. Which meant I did not know what to correct. Which meant I lost confidence in my efficacy as a parent and eventually, as a person.

Those parents never went through any of that.

In fact, they are so proud and so smug and so vocal about their wonderful, successful children that if I didn't like them so much, I would never spend a second anywhere near them. :blush:

But it is interesting for me, to see how that family functions.

Disgustingly well, that's how.

They both still feel they have the right to dislike the physicist's girlfriend ~ and they make no bones about it.

You believe it?

I don't know WHAT they are going to do, if he marries her, anyway....

In any event, this is what I know about college. Especially in this day and age, your daughter can go back to school any time she wants. No, it isn't what you dreamed for her. But those things you dreamed for her are still in there and one day, she will go back.

What I say is we keep any old grief to ourselves. What I tell myself sometimes is "I thought that yesterday." (They say the same series of thoughts runs through our minds over and over ~ and if you think about it, you will realize it, too.) So, catch the negative thought, tell yourself you thought that yesterday (which you probably did), and pick a new, positive thought.

Counter it with that same positive thought, every time.

This is a technique that has helped me.

If I cannot think of something positive in relation to whatever thought it is, then I tell myself again that I already thought this. (Whatever it is ~ and I always HAVE already thought it, about a thousand times).

Then, I pick something to replace it with.

An image of sunshine or green trees ~ wasn't it you who used to have the beautiful green forest as your picture on the site?

I loved that.

Or, I say the Serenity Prayer.

And ask to have the anger energy changed.

I always say the feelings are the enemy. The feelings have taken too much from us already AND FOR NOTHING. (That is why it is important to acknowledge that we already thought whatever it is that is making us feel discouraged.)

Fight the feelings any way you know.

A musical comedy. Laurel & Hardy. Dean Martin music (Hey! Works for me!)

Barbara

 

[goldenguru]

"An underlying presumption of successful parenting" ...

I know people like this. Bless them. All parents experience heartache. For some of us ... it's during childhood. For some adolescence. For others (perhaps like this family that you speak of) it may be during their adult years.

Their children may go through an ugly divorce. Get a cancer diagnosis. Have a wayward child of their own. Struggle with addictions as adults.

Personally, I'm glad that I learned at a younger age how to deal with the difficulties that parenting can bring.

When they face their own families difficulties, you'll be poised to offer your wise counsel and experience Barb.

Yup ... parental heartache/heartbreak is in the same category as death and taxes. There's just no avoiding it.

 

[catwoman]

My son had to physically harm me to the point of hospitalization, before I finally stopped seeing him as that little boy who needed my help. We are now slowly working on a relationship but I no longer see him as a troubled child. I see a disturbed young man, whom I love very much, but am still somewhat afraid and always wary of. It is painful, but much less so this way. Our relationship will be completely on my terms or not at all. I am thrilled to have him back in my life but I will never forget who I'm dealing with.

 

[DammitJanet]

GG....some of the things you talk about with your dtr could be me.

No I never was in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but I probably should have been. I didnt graduate high school, I never went to prom, ...I was a definite difficult child in my own right.

I got my GED right after high school and ended up married and pregnant...ok...not in that exact order...lmao. But then I got divorced...ended up with my current husband, and went back to school and got a degree with a 4.0 average. Yep...it can be done. I even went back to school while having two more kids.

Soooo...moral of the story...some of us do grow up.

 

[goldenguru]

Thanks Janet~

You have reminded me that life isn't really about a 'destination'. It really is about being on a journey. She has an entire lifetime ahead of her to do with as she pleases. I really do need to remember this. THANKS.

by the way~ Good for you.