Nobody understands. And it doesn't really matter why in my opinion. What matters is THAT we are here.
Those of us doing a little better have become determined to do better. It's hard work, just like we expect from our kids. How can we expect our kids to pull together, quit drugs, get jobs for the first time ever, and regroup when WE can't recover and function because of them? Are we doing any better when WE fall apart because of them? Are we not doing almost exactly what they do?
I was there.
I refused to even try to get Kay out of my mind and I had horrifying stories in my head about her death, which I predicted. I refused to listen to any well meaning advice and and refused therapy and Al Anon.
My attitude was "I don't want to talk about my daughter to strangers plus they don't know me. I don't trust anyone. I had a very bad experience with a therapist. "(I did in college and stupidly thought that this meant that all therapists were useless.) I also thought "Al Anon. Are you kidding? Talking to total strangers in real time about my failure as a parent? Betraying Kay's trust?" And of course the ever popular "We have a thriving business, a warm house and fresh cooked food. How can I ever allow Kay to suffer? I would choke eating a good meal if she has to get an icky free meal. i can't. I am Mom. I will NEVER give up on my child, even if it kills me. And I refuse to work on enjoying myself when my daughter is miserable. No. i will go to work because I must, but after work I will go to sleep, not talk to anyone and forget."
The fact that sleeping to forget is really no different than smoking pot to forget.... I actually thought about it, but I slept. And slept. And almost lost my husband and two other kids and all my friends.
My husband was actually the one who pushed me, although I didn't want to listen to him. But he left me and I met a potential new woman and I realized how much I I loved him. He gave me an ultimatum....he wanted a wife again. I could try by going with him to therapy and Al Anon and push myself to function again or he could not stay. He needed companionship and had started gyetting past Kay by going to a therapist and Al Anon and living again. He begged me to do the same. With tears. I did although I felt pretty hopeless. I did not think it would help me. But I faked it till I made it.
It worked! Eventually it worked great!
I now spend a great deal of my time doing better, like I wish Kay would do. She hasn't done better but I am engaged in life again and pretty happy with my life in spite of Kay.
Our kids and ourselves are only going to live as well as we are determined to live. We KNOW they can do better. Well, so can every eon of us do better and, yes, WE CAN. We don't have to isolate, sleep (like me...went on for about a year), wallow in self pity, make up stories that scare us, and refuse to get professional help that may frighten us at first. We can at least TRY. We want THEM to try. We can at least set an example even if they don't follow it. Kay did not but *I* am almost back to myself. And it was hard. I didn't just do it. I worked my tail off. And you can too.
It's exhausting but it is worth it. I say don't ruin your lives for anyone, even your beloved kids. If they were in their right minds, do you think they would want us to suffer? Even if they don't care, our other loved ones care. WE should care. We matter. Our other loved ones matter too.
Phew. i don't know where that came from. Wow. I guess I needed to vent my feelings and share my rocky, hard, and victorious story. The sleeping days, the isolating days, the constant lump in my throat, the miserable life life is done. Forever. I survived the death of a child. I survived Kay. I am a survivor. So are you. All of you. You can do better than you are doing.
With all that, please....try harder, do better. Show our kids....we can.
God bless everyone!
