Almost made it through another.

[BusynMember1]

Hi, newstart. What a difficult situation, which you have responded to with much kindness and love. I think most of us put aside differences when really hard stuff happens. I don't think you can heal your daughter, but you are being a comfort. That in my opinion is not enabling.

On the topic of the boyfriend, I think I have made this suggestion before, but I am thinking more than ever that he is on the autism spectrum. Not making eye contact, awkwardness, an inability to understand normal social cues, discomfort with others....I am not an expert, of course, but this all may point to possible autism. It does not have to mean he is deliberately rude or dislikes you or even that he WANTS to snub you.He may sincerely not know what to say. Autism is very hereditary. If Mom was the same way....it could very well be in the family.

I have a nephew with high functioning autism. While he works and is married, he treats anyone except his wife,who he is very comfortable with, much as this boyfriend treats you. Our expectations of his ability to look us in the eye, smile and socialize are tempered by our knowledge that he just can't. Please do not take this boyfriends lack of interaction to heart. You don't know why he is so distant. I know it is hard to believe he may be doing his best, but he may be.

I sincerely pray you get through this without beating yourself up. You were needed. You were there as most mothers would be in this situation. Now do something very nice for yourself. You are a great person and deserve a nice life. Maybe try to ignore the voice in your head and just live life mindfully. I am trying to do this. From reading here it seems as if many are trying to ignore the ego's false voice that talks to us about how we did wrong. The ego lies. Emotions lie too. Just breathe the fresh air, clear your mind, smile and live life ignoring the voice in your head. It makes us all suffer when we consider that voice the facts about us. That voice is very mean and critical.

One last thought for consideration. I really love this forum but do not believe a written Anonamyous forum is enough for anyone. We are social beings. I would definitely try Al Anon for support. It is not just for parents of addicts. It can work for anyone dealing with difficult loved ones. Isolating is unhelpful. A therapist with a good heart who is not old fashion critical or throwback Freudian is a Godsend. Therapy has changed. It is kind now. Find a female therapist who can support you. It's liberating.

Blessings and take care of YOU. Sending hugs and much love. You deserve so much!!

 

[louise2350]

Overwhelmed - I too, think this is a wonderful site. I joined not too long ago and the people here understand and have a lot of wise words and compassion to give. I hope the new year brings good changes for you. No parent should be controlled by their grown children. Welcome and good luck.

 

[JayPee]

Overwhelmed,

I'm glad you found this forum because with your own self-work and channeling into the wisdom, strength and knowledge of others, you can get better. I won't happen overnight but each step forward in the right direction with lead you to a better place.

Detaching with love from the situation will be your first step to some healing. When we are in the midst of it all it is so hard for our hearts not to ache. We have such FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and it can and will suck the life out of us if we don't take hold of the life raft that awaits us.

I too am a "recovering enabler". Lots of us are on this forum. Start thinking about yourself and your mental, emotional, financial and spiritual well-being. After all, no one else is. It's our responsibility to care for ourselves. We become so accustomed to giving everything we have and it depletes us. Will your daughter financially support you if you run out of money? Will she support you if you fall sick? Will she fix your car if it breaks down? Will she get you another job if you lose the one you have from worry/stress/anxiety and the errors you could make from such distraction going on in your mind? I think not! It is not selfish to care about you.

Keep posting and sharing. As you share the problem you also emotionally start to process it better. When we keep it all to ourselves it is unbearable.

Sending prayers.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Hi JayPee nice to meet you. I am working on focusing on making the right decisions for me when dealing with my daughter and son. Both have different types of control over me.
I do think I made a good choice the last day I was with my daughter. I was ready to go home but she wanted to go to the store for food and get money from me. Now this may not seem like I didn't do all that good when you read what I did do, but it is what I didn't do that made me feel strength.
As you know I support her and her children in every way. But this day I didn't let her keep me longer. We went to the store but I drove myself. I got her money for food, gas, her Dr. visit and prescription. When I gave it to her I told her I was going to go. She said I need to stay until she finished shopping. I started walking with her and the kids down the aisle and she began talking about her up coming bills, car ins, cable etc. I explained I knew they were due. She got complacent trying to tell me when to pay them. I gave the kids a hug, told them I loved them and then walked to her. She backed up but I still gave her a hug and told her I love her but I was going to leave so I could get home before dark.
As I walked away she made ugly remarks loudly and called me a horrible mother. People turned to look but I just kept walking away. It was hard but I walked away.
I know this seems small but it was actually a big step for me. I am going to slowly stop helping her. I am listening to people on here and will give her numbers to call for help with all her needs.
I am feeling better just knowing I am not alone. That is thanks to all the nice people here. I have not had anyone to talk to about any of this.
Thank you so much.
Peace and Love

 

[JayPee]

I do see that as progress. Good for you. About a year ago I had something similar happen with my youngest son. I was at work and he lives in his car. As often happens because everything he owns he’s charging in the car so his battery died. He was in a recreational park area and called me demanding I leave work that instant to go help him. It wasn’t freezing out just an FYI. Because I’m such a sickly enabler it tore my insides out to not run to his rescue. I told him if he couldn’t ask for someone else’s help he’d have to wait until I got out of work. He kept insisting it wasn’t far from my work and kept arguing with me. He was fuming but I stuck to my guns. I showed up after work and he was gone. He didn’t have the courtesy to let me know he got help.
For me that was one step in the right direction. Many more have followed and I feel healthier minded.

I would also suggest journaling some of your milestones. It will give you strength to look back later and recall the progress you are making because there will be days you beat yourself up feeling like a failure.

If God is part of your belief system I highly recommend you keep turning your daughter over to Him and ask for strength and healing for yourself too. In my opinion this is too much for us alone to handle.

Remember progress not perfection

 

[Overwhelmed1]

I know I have a long way to go but I have at least started the journey to breaking free. My daughter's lease is up the end of May. I am hoping I can afford it until then. I may have to eventually get rid of cable for her but until that time I will focus on letting her know what is coming. This will give her plenty of time to get herself together.