...and it all falls apart.

[RN0441]

I had lunch with a friend today. She said that she is so glad I am not having direct contact with my son and letting dad do it. She said I look better than I have in a long time; well rested, relaxed etc.

She had to do that with both her kids for a short time but not this extreme.

"They" don't want to let go. They want to suck the life out of us.

 

[Lil]

He may have gone to Colorado because of why many young adults go....legal pot.

And as much as he's giving away for gas money and shelter and whatever - he won't have that long.

Serves him right.

 

[mof]

So sorry Lil....how frustrating this all is...I don't live a day not feeling frustrated....! Sad!

 

[Lil]

So sorry Lil....how frustrating this all is...I don't live a day not feeling frustrated....! Sad!

I wonder what it's like to be one of those "other" parents who don't think about this crap. lol But it is what it is.

 

[RN0441]

Everyone has their cross to bear in life.
This is ours and it's damned heavy!

 

[A dad]

I wonder what it's like to be one of those "other" parents who don't think about this crap. lol But it is what it is.

Well kinda lonely you will be called way less and the discussions when you will be called will be short and well formal. You be little to no part of his life.

 

[Lil]

Well kinda lonely you will be called way less and the discussions when you will be called will be short and well formal. You be little to no part of his life.

Well that's kind of a depressing way to look at parents of "easy" kids. I certainly wasn't formal with my parents, we had a close and loving relationship until the day they died. So does my brother and his son and a lot of my friends who have easy kids. They may not talk all the time, but when they do they have nice visits and warm feelings.

 

[A dad]

Well that's kind of a depressing way to look at parents of "easy" kids. I certainly wasn't formal with my parents, we had a close and loving relationship until the day they died. So does my brother and his son and a lot of my friends who have easy kids. They may not talk all the time, but when they do they have nice visits and warm feelings.

So?That is basically all it does not mean its not formal you may have a nice time and warm feelings but then that is why is formal.I will let it at that.

 

[AppleCori]

Apparently, you don't have daughters, Adad!

 

[A dad]

Nope 2 sons.

 

[Copabanana]

Well kinda lonely you will be called way less and the discussions when you will be called will be short and well formal. You be little to no part of his life.

I found this sad and fascinating,too.

This is what I am thinking: Most of us parents are very attached and have been through thick and thin. Our kids are very attached too. That is the problem. Our problem is the closeness--once the kids get to be adults--especially difficult for the boys. So the D C phenomena is an artifact of intense connection and need for involvement with parents and family--after it stops being appropriate in our culture, which endorses separating and detachment of adult children.

My son has been able to articulate for the past 6 months or so how much he wants a close relationship with his family; how he wants to be a family together, in a family, etc. He is also a very loving person and has always been. His kindness receded for a long time, but it is back.

What I am saying here is that as he matures (little by little) he is both conscious of, and affirming rather than fighting--his desire for strong connection.

I would rather have my D C loving son, who wants me in his life, rather than an indifferent, formal, child who moves beyond me, outgrows a mother and leaves me behind.

 

[mof]

I agree with this..but as I was not a Difficult Child...I had an almost partnership with my mother. As she was never married...when things got tough, I paid bills in high school...we both went to college. Though never entrenched in each other's lives...we can't help but be close.

Our Difficult Child is very connected to his family...probably a little more so than a normal 20 yr old....I can't tell how the future of the other children will be..but we have never been formal.

Perhaps it's the family dynamic that decides this relationship.

 

[Lil]

So?That is basically all it does not mean its not formal you may have a nice time and warm feelings but then that is why is formal.I will let it at that.

I think our interpretations of your answer may be a cultural or language difference. I don't know if English is your first language ADad, but even British English has it's differences from American English. To me "formal" denotes a cold, stilted type of relationship. I don't see that in the "happy" families I see. My husband has a close and loving relationship with his parents. They don't see each other or even call on the phone all the time, but when they do speak it is warm and not at all formal. My brother was the same with my parents. So it isn't just a father/son thing either. The parents don't have to worry constantly that the kid is dead in a ditch somewhere. They know that their child is find unless they hear otherwise and when they see each other, it is a happy, comfortable relationship. To me, "a nice time and warm feelings" and being happy and comfortable to be around each other, would be very different than "formal".

 

[RN0441]

We have two adult sons that live nearby. We text with them a lot. We have scheduled family dinners once per month and take turns hosting.

We have a lot of fun when we are together. They are hard working adults living a life they can be proud of. We are proud of them.

It's hard to carve out space in everyone's busy lives to get together but we all know how much we love and respect each other. We are having a dinner on Saturday in the city with our oldest that is hosting and spending the night there with our dogs. We are looking forward to it.

I only wish our Difficult Child could be part of this and pray that someday he can. I know it is what he wants.

 

[Lil]

I would rather have my D C loving son, who wants me in his life, rather than an indifferent, formal, child who moves beyond me, outgrows a mother and leaves me behind.

The families I'm thinking of are somewhere in the middle. Forgive me Honey, for using you as an example, but Jabber and his family are a great one.

I have no doubt that Jabber caused little to no difficulties to his parents. Not that they never had any with the other kids...but he was always a "good" kid. I'm sure they worried about him...after all, he was in the Marines, that is worrying to a parent, what could happen, but he worked and he was respectful. To this day at 50 years old, he does not swear or smoke in their presence. I think he'd literally have to be threatened with great bodily harm to shout at them. They don't speak all that often. We don't see each other more than a few times a year, but if he were to get a call that one of his parents was injured or in the hospital, he'd tell his work, "I'm going" even if it cost him his job, to be there! When we began having issues with our son he called and told them he needed them; they dropped everything and came to help us deal. When Jabber had minor out-patient surgery, they came - over an hour drive, just to be there. We go to their house and his mom offers food and Jabber rummages thru the fridge, etc., and we sit and talk and fill each other in on what's going on in our lives.

We have two adult sons that live nearby. We text with them a lot. We have scheduled family dinners once per month and take turn hosting.

We have a lot of fun when we are together. They are hard working adults living a life they can be proud of. We are proud of them.

RNO- since I only have one child, that sounds like heaven. I hope your Difficult Child gets that chance too.

That is the life I envisioned for myself and my grown son.

 

[pasajes4]

I see my adult daughter once a week, but we don't talk everyday. My oldest son has always been very private and was never one to share what was going on in his life (good or bad). We speak and see each other perhaps twice a year. Our conversations are warm, but very generic. I have to be ok with that because it is who he is. I also know that if one of us was sick or in need, we would be there for each other.

 

[A dad]

The families I'm thinking of are somewhere in the middle. Forgive me Honey, for using you as an example, but Jabber and his family are a great one.

I have no doubt that Jabber caused little to no difficulties to his parents. Not that they never had any with the other kids...but he was always a "good" kid. I'm sure they worried about him...after all, he was in the Marines, that is worrying to a parent, what could happen, but he worked and he was respectful. To this day at 50 years old, he does not swear or smoke in their presence. I think he'd literally have to be threatened with great bodily harm to shout at them. They don't speak all that often. We don't see each other more than a few times a year, but if he were to get a call that one of his parents was injured or in the hospital, he'd tell his work, "I'm going" even if it cost him his job, to be there! When we began having issues with our son he called and told them he needed them; they dropped everything and came to help us deal. When Jabber had minor out-patient surgery, they came - over an hour drive, just to be there. We go to their house and his mom offers food and Jabber rummages thru the fridge, etc., and we sit and talk and fill each other in on what's going on in our lives.




RNO- since I only have one child, that sounds like heaven. I hope your Difficult Child gets that chance too.

That is the life I envisioned for myself and my grown son.

This is what I am talking about nobody is gonna say that you will not help your parents oh you will. But the thing you still see them a few time a year and hide some of you from them. Do I really have to explain this?
This is what I am talking about formal you are with your parents like you are with a client or your boss or most of your coworkers.
You are not comfortable with then and in my personal opinion those people are not part of your life.

 

[Lil]

This is what I am talking about nobody is gonna say that you will not help your parents oh you will. But the thing you still see them a few time a year and hide some of you from them. Do I really have to explain this?
This is what I am talking about formal you are with your parents like you are with a client or your boss or most of your coworkers.
You are not comfortable with then and in my personal opinion those people are not part of your life.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree. This is a family...not formal, not hiding, not coworkers. Again, I believe we may have cultural differences at play.

Either that or you really like your bosses!

 

[A dad]

Nah I do not have bosses I am the boss.

 

[Lil]

Nah I do not have bosses I am the boss.

Well no wonder they love you!