GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
Be strong Lil. If you feel yourself wavering, block him or turn off your phone.
...and it all falls apart.
- Thread starter Lil
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
That just shows you that he expects you to pay his way or he won't even say he loves you. It's $20 today to be loved.
Seriously, he had a job and didn't need to do this and I know some people think it's good for him...I can't see how. Good for him in my opinion was to keep the job, get a place, and have the stones to tell useless friends no. This is a life skill he will have to learn...we all do. Running away with no plan is to me more dysfunctional adult child behavior than growing up.
Did he bring a car with him? Thought he took the train.
A lot of boys older than your son ride their bikes far distances to work at the restaurant I work at. And, yes, even in the Wisconsin cold. Sometimes even the snow. Or they dress warm and walk.
Where there's a will there's a way. Where there's no will there will never be a way. Just my observation about many adult kids who won't help themselves, my own son included.
You are too nice to have to buy an "I love you."
Seriously, he had a job and didn't need to do this and I know some people think it's good for him...I can't see how. Good for him in my opinion was to keep the job, get a place, and have the stones to tell useless friends no. This is a life skill he will have to learn...we all do. Running away with no plan is to me more dysfunctional adult child behavior than growing up.
Did he bring a car with him? Thought he took the train.
A lot of boys older than your son ride their bikes far distances to work at the restaurant I work at. And, yes, even in the Wisconsin cold. Sometimes even the snow. Or they dress warm and walk.
Where there's a will there's a way. Where there's no will there will never be a way. Just my observation about many adult kids who won't help themselves, my own son included.
You are too nice to have to buy an "I love you."
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
He did take the train. The gas money is for someone to give him a ride back to Pueblo, the place we put him on the train to in the first place, where he says he has a couch to crash on. Lil offered to buy him a bus ticket but he wouldn't accept that because he cant bring his pot on the bus.
stress...Hugs to you Lil
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
Frankly, the moment he chose his pot over the free bus ticket is the moment I would've put my foot down. He's made his decision. At this point at least, pot is more important to him than a free trip back to where he wants to be?
Sorry kid. Bed made. Lie in it.
Hugs to you, Lil. I know how horribly hard this is for you, or at least i have an idea, but you've got to stick to your guns. Bus ticket or nothing. If you give in on the 20 bucks, it's just the same old story that if he whines and then condemns you enough, he'll get what he wants. He's making stupid decisions and until he bears the FULL brunt of those decisions and has to dig himself out from the holes he's dug for himself without help, he isn't going to grow up.
Sorry kid. Bed made. Lie in it.
Hugs to you, Lil. I know how horribly hard this is for you, or at least i have an idea, but you've got to stick to your guns. Bus ticket or nothing. If you give in on the 20 bucks, it's just the same old story that if he whines and then condemns you enough, he'll get what he wants. He's making stupid decisions and until he bears the FULL brunt of those decisions and has to dig himself out from the holes he's dug for himself without help, he isn't going to grow up.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Lil, in my opinion the issue isn't whether or not he loves you or not.
He wants you to bail him out. Is that good for him? Is it good for you, and for Jabber?
No.
He will always need gas money, or grocery money, or pot money, or rent money.
The only thing that changes is whether or not he expects you to provide it for him.
He will ask you to give it until you stop.
Then he will eventually stop asking you, and he will find ways to get it himself.
And he will surprise himself by his ability to get it.
If you step in he will never get the chance.
Lil. C'mon.
I value your honesty. I hope you value mine.
What would you tell me to do, if my son told me this?
He wants you to bail him out. Is that good for him? Is it good for you, and for Jabber?
No.
He will always need gas money, or grocery money, or pot money, or rent money.
The only thing that changes is whether or not he expects you to provide it for him.
He will ask you to give it until you stop.
Then he will eventually stop asking you, and he will find ways to get it himself.
And he will surprise himself by his ability to get it.
If you step in he will never get the chance.
Lil. C'mon.
I value your honesty. I hope you value mine.
What would you tell me to do, if my son told me this?
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
How many times have I thought this same thing?
But the thing is this: Are we different kinds of mothers, too? Those mothers of cowboys, were they terrified and bereft and immobilized, as was I? Were my 4 great grandmothers? When first one then others of her children left, never to be seen again in her lifetime.
The further I travel on this path I see that it is as likely that the kind of mother I am is as much or more the issue at hand.
LoveSushi
Member
Jabber I love the quote in your signature.
Lil, I adore you so much, but as long as I've been here, since right after you kicked your son out for stealing and lying, not a thing has changed. You're still the Bank of Lil, or Lil's Gas store, or Lil's Camping Supplies, and I suspect I could go on. He hasn't had to struggle because you have always bailed him out, either monetarily, legally, physically...you even buy him smokes! He will never grow up as long as you aren't allowing him (or forcing him) to. My neighbors across the street have a son living with them, for longer than I've been here - and I've been in my house almost 20 years. He has no car. So he rides a bike to his Subway job or they drive him. If he still has a job. We never see him helping when his dad is up on the roof cleaning it or various other unending projects. I think all he does is smoke weed and play video games. This family reminds me of you and Jabber. In about 30 years. Yeah, their son is 50. And they've always been taking care of him. Don't you see that that is where you're headed?
And I've never heard that you can't take your pot on the bus...unless you're smoking it on the bus!
That just doesn't sound right.
Lil, I adore you so much, but as long as I've been here, since right after you kicked your son out for stealing and lying, not a thing has changed. You're still the Bank of Lil, or Lil's Gas store, or Lil's Camping Supplies, and I suspect I could go on. He hasn't had to struggle because you have always bailed him out, either monetarily, legally, physically...you even buy him smokes! He will never grow up as long as you aren't allowing him (or forcing him) to. My neighbors across the street have a son living with them, for longer than I've been here - and I've been in my house almost 20 years. He has no car. So he rides a bike to his Subway job or they drive him. If he still has a job. We never see him helping when his dad is up on the roof cleaning it or various other unending projects. I think all he does is smoke weed and play video games. This family reminds me of you and Jabber. In about 30 years. Yeah, their son is 50. And they've always been taking care of him. Don't you see that that is where you're headed?
And I've never heard that you can't take your pot on the bus...unless you're smoking it on the bus!
That just doesn't sound right.
so ready to live
Well-Known Member
Lil, you did the right thing, I know it was hard.
I get the texting, the ramping up of begging-many here told me it would come when we drew the no $ line and it did. The last thing we continued to supplement was the phone, I just couldn't see how he could do without it. Then, I found out he had a "government" phone for months-he could have made it without my walmart phone card. Now, eight months later, he doesn't ask. (he doesn't call much either) We realize our whole interactions for yrs. have been him trying to get from us what he could do for himself.
We take dinner to him once a month, homemade favorites, but I do this for me. We tell him each time that we love him. At these times I usually casually say we can't help you, but I thought we'd bring dinner. Once in a while we get message or text with "woe is me" format, but he doesn't ask-just throws it out there to see if we'll bite. We don't respond to those. This may to you sound like a sorry excuse for a relationship but believe me it's worlds better than what we've had for years. Sometimes I try to total up the larger amounts of $ paid, just to strengthen my resolve-it reminds me how many times we did the same thing expecting different results. We could have retired on the outlay of $5 cigarettes and the $20 gas alone.
Your bus ticket offer was generous, that's not what he wanted. Sometimes I think there must be a Difficult Child manual. "Ask them for $20 on Wed., tell them you need shoes on Thurs., say you're hungry and the shelter is full on Fri." How can we ever know the truth?
Hold your line. You really don't want to still be doing this ten years from now. This is the hardest part but you can do it knowing that it's best for all of you.
Prayers.
I get the texting, the ramping up of begging-many here told me it would come when we drew the no $ line and it did. The last thing we continued to supplement was the phone, I just couldn't see how he could do without it. Then, I found out he had a "government" phone for months-he could have made it without my walmart phone card. Now, eight months later, he doesn't ask. (he doesn't call much either) We realize our whole interactions for yrs. have been him trying to get from us what he could do for himself.
We take dinner to him once a month, homemade favorites, but I do this for me. We tell him each time that we love him. At these times I usually casually say we can't help you, but I thought we'd bring dinner. Once in a while we get message or text with "woe is me" format, but he doesn't ask-just throws it out there to see if we'll bite. We don't respond to those. This may to you sound like a sorry excuse for a relationship but believe me it's worlds better than what we've had for years. Sometimes I try to total up the larger amounts of $ paid, just to strengthen my resolve-it reminds me how many times we did the same thing expecting different results. We could have retired on the outlay of $5 cigarettes and the $20 gas alone.
Your bus ticket offer was generous, that's not what he wanted. Sometimes I think there must be a Difficult Child manual. "Ask them for $20 on Wed., tell them you need shoes on Thurs., say you're hungry and the shelter is full on Fri." How can we ever know the truth?
Hold your line. You really don't want to still be doing this ten years from now. This is the hardest part but you can do it knowing that it's best for all of you.
Prayers.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
She verified with the bus line that its their policy of no marijuana on the bus. My question to that is...how the hell would they know? Are they honestly going to go to the expense of drug dogs or drug sensors like we use in prisons? Both are VERY expensive and would be ineffective due to the fact that he will have traces all over him. Granted, this is academic since he just HAD to have cash.
JaneBetty
Active Member
I can't figure out how to use quotes on my ipad, but just want to say that SoReadyToLive's post that you don't want to be doing this in ten years is a good point.
I also think that you are very lucky to have Jabber's help. He has good insights into your son's behavior. Your back and forth posts are very touching!
I also think that you are very lucky to have Jabber's help. He has good insights into your son's behavior. Your back and forth posts are very touching!
Lil
Well-Known Member
As my mother used to say, "Do as I say, not as I do." I hated that. lol
Every single one of you is right. Heck, I got the same words of wisdom from last week's "Lucifer" (awesome show by the way) that we recorded and watched last night. "Doing the best thing for your child doesn't always make them happy." I KNOW that he went with $700, which should have been enough for a ratty hotel and food for at least a week and a half to two weeks, and blew it in the first four days. I KNOW that he blew it mostly on pot. I KNOW that he can figure this out on his own. (Though saying so really ticked him off. "Stop saying I can figure it out when I've been trying to get the money for 3 days so apparently I CAN'T!") I also know that at least some of the $20 was for cigarettes and he didn't need that much for gas, since he lowered the $20 to $10 or $15 when he was talking about trying to get $ himself.
So why do I feel so crappy for telling him no? Why do I feel like a bad person? It was only $20. Hell, I've dropped that on lunch out with coworkers. I guess, because it seems like such a small thing until you don't have it...a thing I'd have done anytime in the past. I think I feel bad because I did offer the bus ticket, and his response was, "WTH do you think I'm gonna do? STEAL the $20 and NOT use it for gas money?" I think that actually did hurt his feelings, which isn't the point of course.
Maybe it's because I thought he was doing okay? Homeless, but at least happy, and now I wonder if he was lying about the doing okay part...
He was talking about selling plasma - he's terrified of needles. So that speaks to being pretty desperate. All I can say is, yes, it was probably the right thing, saying no.
That really doesn't make me feel any better about doing it.
I'll feel better eventually.
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
My older son sold plasma while he was away at college. He never discussed it, just did it. I actually felt bad. This was a great kid!! Great person today too.
So don't feel too bad about that. I've even thought of telling Difficult Child to do that....
So don't feel too bad about that. I've even thought of telling Difficult Child to do that....
mof
Momdidntsignupforthis
Lil...it's your love and ours that gets in all our ways.
First off all, just because you get a twenty dollar meal..does not mean our children deserve the same.
My husband and I enjoy dinner out without the kids...we leave them stuff to eat. We h ave earned our privileges.
Your son is not equal to you and Jabber...you can treat him..but if it's a treat you can't complain. They want to smoke...well, they have to fund that habit.
Parenting Is hard... but your a parent not a friend.
We get it...hugs
First off all, just because you get a twenty dollar meal..does not mean our children deserve the same.
My husband and I enjoy dinner out without the kids...we leave them stuff to eat. We h ave earned our privileges.
Your son is not equal to you and Jabber...you can treat him..but if it's a treat you can't complain. They want to smoke...well, they have to fund that habit.
Parenting Is hard... but your a parent not a friend.
We get it...hugs
Kalahou
Well-Known Member
I’d venture to say that it may not so much be our “love” that gets in the way. Our real love would have us do what’s best for our child’s nurture, growth, and development, which we all understand on this forum (for our adult children) to be the loving detachment that allows them to learn from the consequences of their choices.
I have learned here over the past year that it is more often our own fear, obligation, guilt (FOG) that would have us keep enabling. And it’s often rather fear for ourselves (maybe more so than for them… ) and our own feeling of guilt that is uncomfortable for us, that we can’t bear.
All of us more or less detest the behaviors of our difficult children, and hate how it makes us feel. And we also fear the consequences of those behaviors (both the consequences to the kid of enabling them, and the consequences to ourselves (fear / guilt) of not enabling)
If we can’t bear to lose their “love you” and other necessary losses of our expectations, etc, with these difficult children, then our continued enabling may be more to protect ourselves (not our children) from the consequences that we fear and have guilt about.
I’m trying to work through these insights myself. It is surely a long learning process. It's hard to see through the FOG. See what the new day brings.
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