...and it all falls apart.
- Thread starter Lil
- Start date
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
What Lil fails to mention here is that I'm the fourth of seven. By the time I came along it had all been tried multiple times. And my second oldest sister would have definitely qualified as a Difficult Child.
My parents know I curse and that I smoke. They don't approve of such behavior so I don't do it in their presence. I don't hide it from them, I just have enough respect for them that I wont do it in their presence. When I do smoke at their house I go out in the back yard, mainly because there are usually a bunch of children around and I wont smoke around them, but also because I wont smoke in our house much less theirs. They can look out the picture window and see me smoking so I'm not hiding it from them.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I agree with Lil. My nice kids kid around with me and tease me and me them...they are ladults now. We have a warm, friendly, fun relationship...not at all formal. I talk to all at least once a week and often more.
My kids cuss around me sometines and I cuss in conversation too. We are not angry...we just talk like we do to anyone.
I do think your culture is very different than ours, which makes communication between us a bit harder. Family norms and interactions seem different in our cultures.
My kids cuss around me sometines and I cuss in conversation too. We are not angry...we just talk like we do to anyone.
I do think your culture is very different than ours, which makes communication between us a bit harder. Family norms and interactions seem different in our cultures.
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Lil
Well-Known Member
Oh, I'm okay. I was pretty upset until I realized where his money likely went. I said that I wasn't going to call him or text. I haven't really stuck to that. Wednesday he'd told me that he'd been offered a couch in the first city he was in and I did text to see how that went. Turned out it would be a few days before anyone could get him and take him back there. So yesterday I just texted, "You alive?" His response some time later was that they couldn't come until Sunday (today) and then he'd have a couch while he was looking for work and if that didn't work out it was "pretty bada$$ being homeless <where he is>, as lame as that sounds, and that I've gotten lots of warm stuff and met some cool people. So yes, I'm alive." I responded that was all I needed to hear.
So...yeah. He's apparently quite happy being homeless and he's fine. I don't actually know how to feel about that. He's happy. I always said all I wanted was for him to be happy. I've decided that isn't true. What I wanted was him to be happy living a somewhat conventional life. Or at least, if unconventional, then socially acceptable? I wonder what that says about me?
But, at least I'm not unduly worried or distressed at the moment. I'm still wondering how long that will last.
I think this was easier for my parents. When my gfgbro was 17 he headed off for the first summer working a job several states away. He was out of high school but still a minor, so it was hard for them because they were responsible if he got into trouble. It was also hard because they worried about what could happen. As it happened, the job he went to Maine for fell through and he was stuck there with-o work and with a truck that was a total junker. He rounded up another job working in a forestry area, and made it home for college in the fall without any great big disasters that they knew of. There were no cell phones then, so he couldn't call home every day or few days. He could only call home every ten days or so when they got days off and went into town.
I think cell phones and constant communication make situations like this incredibly difficult.
I think cell phones and constant communication make situations like this incredibly difficult.
so ready to live
Well-Known Member
Hi Lil.
What a question for us all to wrestle with this am. My expectations. They torture me daily...and back to "only what is on my side of the line". We spend so many years bound together, mother and son. I want independence for my son but I realize to me that means working an honest job and self-supporting. Independence/happiness to him seems to mean surviving without having to live conventionally. My husband continually reminds me that our son seems mostly happy where he is in his life and my immediate response is "how can this be?" Does he complain about lack of funds? Yes. So do I at times. It is foggy to me even as I write this. I never thought I could be happy just knowing he was breathing. I wanted so much more. I wish he did. But I find I can be happy now, a little more each day. I hope that for you and Jabber, that you can reach a place that puts some separation emotionally between you and your son. I wasted way too many days being stressed, sad, pained, etc. Don't be me. Prayers.
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
I have been giving this exact thing a lot of thought lately. My difficult child's definition of happiness would be to do nothing and leach off of my wallet for as long as he possibly could. I gave him the childhood I did not have, and he certainly did not have the responsibilities that his older siblings had. Too late for a do over. Hindsight is a ^*^@#.
mof
Momdidntsignupforthis
I was debating this very same thing today. It's my birthday...and I was thanking the people who have been a part of my life, friends etc..even if it were for a season.
It's me ...I'm happy...Our son..he will not have what I will always feel would make him good. That's me..He's who he wants to be right now, that should be my thankfulness...I can't plan his future, check, he can't either...it's just not where he is..
So as they say in AA..it's one day at a time, and be thankful for our Good days..one at a time.
Working on attitude slowly....
It's me ...I'm happy...Our son..he will not have what I will always feel would make him good. That's me..He's who he wants to be right now, that should be my thankfulness...I can't plan his future, check, he can't either...it's just not where he is..
So as they say in AA..it's one day at a time, and be thankful for our Good days..one at a time.
Working on attitude slowly....
Albatross
Well-Known Member
I don't know if this helps or not, but my son is quite happy doing the same thing...for now. In fact, I would go so far as to say he's doing better than he has in a very long time, in terms of his mental and emotional outlook.
No, it is not what I want for him, AT ALL. But from my son's point of view, he is on a real adventure. He is seeing the country, and he is earning his own keep.
He says he wants to be a "vagabond, not a hobo, just see the world, that's my goal."
He has a campsite set up in the mountains just outside of town with his tent, sleeping bag, clothing, etc.
He hikes to the day labor place each day and is trying to get the money together to buy a scooter.
He got some money together to buy a camera and set up a website with photos, etc. about his travels.
He asked me if I think seeing the world and writing about it is a worthwhile goal.
It might be all BS, and he might never get there, and he's not thinking too far ahead in terms of Colorado winters.
But it has been a long time since he has had ANY kind of a goal, and it has been a REALLY long time since he hasn't been blaming someone else for his situation.
That is exactly how I feel. My son will never have what I think he needs, or wants.
Clearly I have been very wrong about what *I THINK* he needs and wants to be right now.
I jokingly told my son tonight that he was born in the wrong era, that he should have been born in the days of the Wild West, when he could sit around a fire and eat beans out of his hat.
But really (and I am not making excuses for my son's irresponsible decisions), where do young people find adventure anymore?
I think this is a good thing for your son, Lil. I really do.
Childofmine
one day at a time
Lil, I've been out of pocket, but I'm back and just read this thread. I'm so glad he isn't under your roof anymore, especially since things weren't going the way you'd hoped and the deadline was coming up. That would have been even more hard, to kick him out of the house again.
This way, he's chosen to go.
This is what letting go looks like. It's the calls, the texts, the paying-for-one-more-night, the wiring money. I know the awful feeling---the physical feeling---that you HAVE to send the one-more-night. You can't not do it.
I know because i did it over and over and over again. And like you, it never worked.
What CAN work is space and distance and like someone else said, detachment. Detachment is an emotional state, as you know Lil. It doesn't mean not talking to your son or being mean or cold or distant or not caring.
Actually, I honestly and truly believe that detaching from our DCs is the finest love there is. And the hardest. And you can't do it without a lot of work on yourself and without a very strong support system that empathizes with your feelings but helps you stick to the plan of detachment. The feelings and the thinking/actions in detachment don't match up at all. And most people---that is where they fall off the wagon. I fell off many times.
Your son is making his own way. Just let him do it. Don't try to manage it, make it all "better" by sending "opportunities". There is a whole subculture out there of homeless/day workers, etc. Your son can rock along this way for a long while. I'm sure there are many young men and women who have struck out for Colorado or Oregon in the past year or so...so he's not alone. They can band together.
The best thing about this...is time is passing. He is getting older. He is seeing what is possible out there without resources. He will either like it or he won't and then he will be motivated to change.
You can't be motivated for him. It just plain does not work.
Hang in there. Turn your energy back to you and Jabber and your own life. He is striking out on his own. This is what he needs to do right now.
It is very humbling to realize that you don't know and never have known what is best for someone else.
Warm hugs.
This way, he's chosen to go.
This is what letting go looks like. It's the calls, the texts, the paying-for-one-more-night, the wiring money. I know the awful feeling---the physical feeling---that you HAVE to send the one-more-night. You can't not do it.
I know because i did it over and over and over again. And like you, it never worked.
What CAN work is space and distance and like someone else said, detachment. Detachment is an emotional state, as you know Lil. It doesn't mean not talking to your son or being mean or cold or distant or not caring.
Actually, I honestly and truly believe that detaching from our DCs is the finest love there is. And the hardest. And you can't do it without a lot of work on yourself and without a very strong support system that empathizes with your feelings but helps you stick to the plan of detachment. The feelings and the thinking/actions in detachment don't match up at all. And most people---that is where they fall off the wagon. I fell off many times.
Your son is making his own way. Just let him do it. Don't try to manage it, make it all "better" by sending "opportunities". There is a whole subculture out there of homeless/day workers, etc. Your son can rock along this way for a long while. I'm sure there are many young men and women who have struck out for Colorado or Oregon in the past year or so...so he's not alone. They can band together.
The best thing about this...is time is passing. He is getting older. He is seeing what is possible out there without resources. He will either like it or he won't and then he will be motivated to change.
You can't be motivated for him. It just plain does not work.
Hang in there. Turn your energy back to you and Jabber and your own life. He is striking out on his own. This is what he needs to do right now.
It is very humbling to realize that you don't know and never have known what is best for someone else.
Warm hugs.
Lil
Well-Known Member
I was wondering, what did you say Alb?
Because, I do think that it's a worthwhile goal - if you can afford it. That is to say if you have a fall back in case things go south. It's the planner in me I guess...the person who needs security. It's why I'll never do a lot of things that I think I'd really like to do, but which have serious risk involved. I'm a very security-minded person. It's not that I think I'm soft or incapable of weathering hard times. I'm sure that, worst case scenario, Jabber and I both lost our jobs and had to sell everything and live in a tent on our woodland property, we could. We could build a cabin, rig up a rainwater catch, use an composting toilet, heat with wood, grow a garden and eat a lot of squirrels. (There's actually a part of me that thinks the whole living off the grid thing is very attractive.) But in reality, I'd prefer a comfortable retirement income and a real house...or the ability to go back to that in case of failure.
I kind of envy our kids - not worrying about what happens next.
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Albatross
Well-Known Member
I was verbally supportive, said I think it is absolutely a reasonable goal and a great time in his life to do it (though I do wish he would be more humble about winter weather). It's just nice to see him excited about something, honestly.
I enjoy the idea of it, maybe would enjoy having done it, but probably wouldn't enjoy the actual doing it. I would likely worry and plan myself right out of it before I even started. He has always enjoyed life with no plans on the horizon.
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
I don't doubt you feel horrible Lil, but you wouldn't be doing him any favors by giving him the money. All you'd be doing is reinforcing the same old same old, and you already know that doesn't work.
