...and it all falls apart.

[mof]

We hope they do.

I worked some bad jobs as a young person. One Spring break in High school I worked in the vineyards..tying the vines. They would bus us out to the fields...an outhouse was there, and only if it was raining did u get to eat on the bus.

The end of the week you were paid in cash....I can tell you that I rethought those expensive designer jeans I wanted....a good experience, even with frostbite.

Life teaches all kinds of lessons...although our son has a good work ethic...I'm still concerned about it all.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I have realized that he asks for me to do a thing, but I do a THING.

Yes, you invest WAY more time into it than he does. And since you are usually sitting at work while doing it and he is sitting at home chatting on FB or playing video games, it should be on him. I do understand why you do it, just wish you would back off and let him learn by his mistakes that he needs to put more effort into something. It ties in with why he liked his job so much at the beginning. He wants maximum payout with minimum effort.

 

[Lil]

Honey I know. And I honestly AM trying to just let it be. But it's not that easy...you know how I am about planning. When we went to Italy, I spent MONTHS preparing - more than a year in fact - checking out hotels and places to see and getting a map of Rome and Paris and plotting an itinerary for every day, when to go see what, how to get around, booking tour tickets, checking prices. Getting ideas of the best places to eat and the best times to see sights and on and on and on. Over-planning is kind of what I DO. Then, when our plane is delayed (or a volcano blows up) I roll with the punches, rearrange stuff (because I already know when everything is open and closed and how to find alternatives) and it all goes fine - plus, we have extra cash and trip insurance. I should work as a travel agent.

So...he just picks a hotel because it's close to weed shops, without paying attention to bus routes and places to eat, etc., and it kind of makes me crazy.

I think I just realized WHY I have a fantasy of running away with no destination in mind, just GOING...and why I've never really done it.

 

[RN0441]

Lil you have to work on detaching. That is the only thing that will help you. This is not a one time trip. This could be a long haul.

Whether you need a therapist or not to do it.

 

[Lil]

I will actually be much better once he's gone.

 

[Jabberwockey]

When we went to Italy, I spent MONTHS preparing - more than a year in fact

So...he just picks a hotel because it's close to weed shops, without paying attention to bus routes and places to eat, etc., and it kind of makes me crazy.

I know honey, but the difference is that Italy was our trip and this is his. And yes, you are much better when he's not around us every day.

 

[Lil]

Italy was our trip and this is his

You're right. I really never thought about it that way. I think I'd do the same if my brother or a friend was going on a journey and asked me to book something.

I do recognize my inner control freak.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I really never thought about it that way. I think I'd do the same if my brother or a friend was going on a journey and asked me to book something.

I do recognize my inner control freak.

Glad you admit it!

The difference between doing that for pretty much anyone else that asked would be that they would appreciate the effort and probably listen to and seriously consider your advice. Inmates tell me all the time that they didn't listen to their parents but when a friend said the same thing, they were MUCH more likely to listen. Keep that in mind next time you want to go above and beyond what he asked for. You never know, it might just freak him out when you DONT do it and gets him to thinking! LOL!

 

[Lil]

I took him to get his check. Never saw A or J, thank goodness. I'll be so glad when seeing them doesn't freak me out because I can just say, "He moved away. Go away." I took a few notes from McDonna's thread and told him, "You know, all my life, when things weren't going the way I wanted, I dreamed of just getting in my car and driving until I was out of money for gas, then finding a place to work, earn enough to get moving again, and just move on to a new place where no one knew me. I never did it of course, but I kind of envy you this adventure." I apologized (sort of) if I'd been overbearing on the hotel thing, telling him I'd been reminded this was HIS trip and not MY trip, and he should do what he wants. He said he'd kind of wanted me to help him make a good choice and it was all okay, but I said, "That may be, but I went overboard. The choice was yours and if you'd stayed in the first place, you'd have still worked it all out. Might have cost a little more, but you'd still be fine." I also advised him that I really do know he'll be just fine and I have every confidence in him.

We had a nice talk. He's confident and upbeat about it all. After all, all a person really needs is food and shelter, and he knows how to find those. He's a smart kid (yes, man, but he's MY kid) and I know he'll do fine. "New place, new people, new look (did I mention he shaved his scruffy beard and bleached his hair blond?), new me."

I've never been terribly impulsive or adventurous. (I bet you couldn't tell! HA!) I've always wanted to travel to exotic places and climb pyramids and sleep under the stars - just go without a care. Instead I've sat on my oversize butt and paid my bills and taken care of business. When I was his age I was in college, then law school, then working. Sure, my roommate and I would just drop everything and go somewhere at times, but I actually kept a bag packed with toiletries and a change of clothes at all times, so I was always prepared! So yeah...he's having an adventure. I actually DO kind of envy him.

 

[RN0441]

I was never very adventurous either. I could have gone away to four years of college for free since I was considered an orphan at that time. Both my parents were dead by the time I was 17-1/2. Instead I stayed in the town I grew up in and went to junior college. Geesh. If I could have that as a do over!

My son has met a lot of new people, seen new places, and had some hard knocks since March but I am glad he is experiencing life and off our couch. I think that he would still be doing the same thing he was doing for five years if not which equals nothing. He realizes he hadn't made a good life for himself here and I don't think misses being here except for family and pets.

Some of these manchilds just need an extra push!

 

[Snow White]

You and I could be sisters, Lil! I did the same thing when we, as a family, did our big trip to Europe for 5 weeks. Everything was organized to the hilt. I knew travelling with 2 kids (12 and 8 at the time) and post-brain injured husband might get difficult. I've continued that high level planning all my life. I've fantasized about driving to the airport, picking a flight at random and just "going away". Like you, at my daughter's age I was married and had a baby on the way. Stayed at a job too long because I had 'history' there and they allowed me flex time when things got crazy with her (hospitalizations, appointments, court, etc.). When she went into temporary care, I was able to change jobs.

We need to let them do their own planning (or flying by the seat of their pants, if that is what works for them). Daughter can find food and shelter - she just proved to me today that she can find work if required. Mine is having the adventure of her life...and I've spent too much time organizing and supporting it.

Maybe it's time for you to finally throw a dart at the world map and have an adventure of your own!

 

[JaneBetty]

Hang in there, Lil. Lots of people pulling for your family, and pulling for your son to succeed.
I tend to want to solve problems for my girls too, particularly when it involves making economical purchases.
After years of raising a family, you know a thing or two about spending and it's hard to watch your kids make their own financial decisions, however small.

 

[Lil]

Well, he's gone. Almost missed the train. One last chance to tick us off and cause me stress. but he made it and we're at our favorite Irish pub. Cider time. .

 

[Jabberwockey]

There is the fact that him ticking Lil off made it easier for her to say goodbye.

 

[GoingNorth]

I wonder if he didn't tick Liz off intentionally on a sub-conscious level to make it easier for him to say good-bye?

My husband used to do this for a couple of days before deployments. Not "tick me off", but withdraw from me physically and emotionally. We spoke about it after he got out of the Army and were in counseling and he said he did it because it made it easier for him to leave me.

 

[pasajes4]

When the money is done ( 2 weeks) he will ne calling to come home.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Lil.

I've been away for awhile and caught up on your thread all at once. Actually, I see a lot of growth in your son (and you, too.) To me, the fact that he is seeing these losers, J and A, too, as different from him and needing to be avoided, is a major change.

He has said several times "I was ready. I am ready to get my own place" and now this.

He is scapegoating J here and I do not buy it.

While it did cross my mind (what others suggested, that there was more to the story), in particular some shady deal or the like--with this being the worst case that I can think of, that your son is wanting to be away from these low lives is very good news.

The move to me has very little down side. He knows how to find work quickly. He works hard. He can handle himself. His judgment is improving. He knows where to go to get help and support. I can really see the maturation in him.

I think he wants to grow up. I really think this.

I know how hard it is when they leave. You know, Colorado may be expensive, etc. But is it not right next store to where all of the shale oil fields are (is North Dakota near Colorado?) I know we cannot live their lives for them but if I were a young man (or even woman) I would go.

The fact that he is going to meet his destiny is exciting. I believe he will thrive. For sure he will call and be frantic, but he will also be seeking himself and his real life.

I am pleased for him. And for you two, too.

 

[Jabberwockey]

He works hard.

No, he really doesn't. His dream job is whatever pays the most while having him do the least.

But is it not right next store to where all of the shale oil fields are (is North Dakota near Colorado?)

Nowhere near. North Dakota borders Canada and Colorado borders New Mexico which borders Mexico. Like three states away.

When the money is done ( 2 weeks) he will ne calling to come home.

And he's already been told that we won't be buying that ticket. He will last longer than three weeks if for no other reason than he doesn't want to have to move away from legal marijuana.

 

[JaneBetty]

Stay strong!

 

[Copabanana]

No, he really doesn't.

OK. So he doesn't work that hard.

He will have to do something because here he is in a state with at least half a dozen states between where you are and he now is. That is a reality.

He does seem to be trying to grow up. No?

Glad to talk to you Jabber and Lil.