And the begging starts

Helpless29

Active Member
Getting closer to my sons court date & now the calls are asking for a second chance. I called Job Corps but with the Coronovirus there not accepting anyone & they don’t know when they will, all I could do was put him on a waitlist ,called a few other places but same thing everywhere. I did mention this to my son but he’s just told me if they send him anywhere he will runaway , I told him then I will not help finding him placement , here I am making so many calls to get him help & that’s what he tells me. I tried talking to my husband about him coming back , but it did not go well, my husband said we tried & that my son needs help , I mentioned how no one is accepting patients but he really didn’t care :/ I don’t know why I keep reading my sons letter over & over , I know he needs me , I need to be here for him. Maybe I’m not thinking clear, sometimes in my mind I think about what if I had a husband who understood my pain , who understood how many nights I cry ,how my life felt so complete when my son was here, would he do this to our kids if they ever struggled with mental illness or addiction or is it’s because he’s my son, as I write this he’s in the shower & I just can’t stop crying , but when he comes in the room , I act like nothing & he has no clue, I’m probably not making any sense , it’s just one of my bad days & Im hurting so much , I get like this everytime court comes up.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Helpless, I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

It must be hard when you and your husband are not on the same page. I can understand his concerns. My husband and I won't have our son back in our house because we believe that it ultimately doesn't help him to take responsibility for his problems. However, we are both his biological parents and so there isn't the step-parent issue. I understand that it must be so hurtful for you to have another person preventing you from taking the action for your child that you want to. Is it possible for you and your husband to have some couple's therapy, so you can respectfully discuss the issue with a neutral third party?

It's so, so hard when they need us but in reality there's not much we can do unless they are prepared to help themselves. The fact that your son is threatening to run away unless he get the outcome he wants does seem to indicate that he isn't ready to face up to his problems just yet. I've been re-reading "When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart". I get a lot of comfort (and practical help) from this book. If you haven't already read it, I would absolutely recommend it.

You're in my thoughts.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
if they send him anywhere he will runaway
The fact that your son is threatening to run away unless he get the outcome he wants does seem to indicate that he isn't ready to face up to his problems just yet
Dear Helpless

I agree with MissLulu about several things. One, I question your son's readiness to change. Two, you and your husband might benefit from counseling, to help with communication. And three: This is heartbreaking.

Many parents would be in a situation where they would be forced to take in their child. And what would happen, is all kinds of acting out, until he was reincarcerated again. Just like what has already happened with your son multiple times now.

Your son eventually will change. But he is not showing any indication that he is at that point now. He wants what he wants. Of course he wants the freedom of living at your house. Of course he wants it that his poor choices would have no consequences. Of course he wants a complete do over. Of course he wants the support of his mother nearby.

Despite your sad feelings (and guilt, I would be willing to bet), there is a reality here. First of all your husband did try. You feared he would not be open to your son's coming home, and he was. As far as what you shared with us, your husband cooperated fully and tried. It was your son who was unwilling or unable to meet the occasion.

It's not that he should suffer or have consequences, that is not my point. The point is that this has happened time and time again. It happened with his grandparents. It happened repeatedly with his Dad. It happened at your home. As far as I recall there have been repeated problems at the facility, too. In one instance I am remembering there was a charge of violence against a female staff member.

Your son seems full of himself. Full of a sense of his power. Full of a sense of his invulnerability. He does not seem to have learned much. He's not the only young man like this, he's got lots of company. But these young bucks need to be checked by life. That is what changes them. I have known thousands like them. Chances don't help them. They run roughshod over chances. What stops this is a brick wall. Consequences. Parents are very, very poor at this. Most of us don't stand a chance. That is reality, as I have lived it.

You have young children. Your husband is a factor here, what he thinks and what he wants. I think he has a right to his feelings. As do you have a right to yours.

I would hope you think of your son. Not just how he is manipulating and pressuring you to get a result he wants, but his real needs and his real welfare. I think there are other ways to show your son you love him and are loyal to him; that you care about his needs.

I don't think capitulating to his pressure equates to love. I think your son is trying to manipulate you. I think he is playing on your heartstrings and guilt.

Your son is not the only one in this picture. All of you and each of you needs to be considered. And I am not clear that coming home to you would even be the best thing for your son. What has changed for him or with him? What will another flame out do for him? How is your home situation set up for containment and supervision? What has changed to make the situation different this time?

Your husband deserves answers to that. Both of you do. Your son needs answers to that, whether or not he recognizes this. His life and welfare are at stake. To think through what the problems and challenges have been and to think through how they could be handled differently this time. If answers can't be found, what would change?

Your son is in this situation because he acted out in numerous ways, contrary to rules, law and conventions. It means that he is likely to continue this way of acting, absent significant, prolonged interventions, incentives and changes. I am questioning if your home and family can provide this for him. This is the elephant in the living room. Your husband is not the elephant. That's how I see it.

I think MissLulu is exactly right. This is about heartbreak.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Put that letter away, hon. It was written to cause you guilt...it is not how he really feels. Kay did this to us too...it's very heart wrenching.

I feel your pain so much. And I embrace you with love in my heart. However, in my opinion it would just be a repeat if he came back. Not only that, but your marriage matters. Your husband isn't cruel. Maybe he is just protective of you and your younger kids. Since he can probably see things through a different lens, maybe he is afraid. My husband was too. I fought him and it almost lead to divorce. It would not have been worth it, in my situation. My husband is a good man who just saw before me that Kay was not going to do better if we enabled her. My guilt and love made me fight the truth.

I send you prayers and virtual hugs and hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Trying

Please read Copa's response over and over. She hit the nail on EVERY head.

Please don't let your husband be the bad guy here; I honestly think he does see you hurt and does care and he probably feels at a loss too. Men don't show it the way we do.

I do hope that you come to terms with what you need to do. This is so very hard.
 

Helpless29

Active Member
Thank you all, today is a better day. I know my husband is not the bad guy, he is a wonderful father/ husband, he did put his all into it when my son was was here, he tried helping him as much as he could, He explained to me that he cannot watch me get hurt over & over again, how we constantly have to lie to the younger ones about his absence when they ask about him . He said it hurt him to .I know he has the best intentions for our family but I just wish he would understand my life will never be complete without my son. If the courts cannot find placement for my son, he will be there till he’s 18 teen, which is only a few months , his birthday is Jan 2nd.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Honestly, I would let him stay there until his 18th birthday and give your brain a rest for now. Do not feel guilty. If you say you won't then you won't.

He is like my son WAS. Nothing we did helped him. He was hell bent on doing things his way, he was so far down the wrong path. I honestly thought he was going to end up in jail for a long time.

He will see that you mean business if you let him stay there over the holidays. I had to do that to my son when I let him spend a few years away from us. It changed him. I honestly didn't think anything would at that point. Hey you've tried everything else - as I had. I had to get real tough and I'm SO VERY GLAD I DID. I had to break his spirit so he could SEE what he was doing to himself and me.
 

BloodiedButUnbowed

Well-Known Member
I have, perhaps, a unique perspective to share. I am the stepparent of not just one, but two troubled young men. Last year I was faced with the difficult choice of either accepting my violent, drug-addicted and felony-convicted stepson, who was then 19, into the home my wife and I share, or potentially leaving either the household, or my marriage, if my wife and I could not come to an agreement.

In the end my wife and I agreed on contract language for my stepson (DS) and he did move in with us. He recently moved out of his own volition, but if he had not, my wife and I were once again on the cusp of a difficult conversation. (DS relapsed and refused to return to rehab, which was one of the conditions in the contract. I was adamant that he would have to go if he refused to abide by the contract; wife - his bio mom - would have been willing to negotiate terms of him continuing to stay with us. Thankfully he did choose to leave and we were spared this decision.)

Most of his year with us was okay, to wonderful. I have to admit my worst fears, for the most part, never came true. He had a violent history with my wife and that was my worst fear. He never raised a hand to person, pet or property while he was here. The worst that actually occurred, were a couple of heated arguments where he used profanity and screamed at us, the last of which occasioned him leaving our house and choosing to try living on his own. He is now out of our home and is not communicating with either his mother or myself, for the time being anyway. He is on probation for another year and a half, and relapse might well send him back to jail, let alone homelessness or whatever other condition he may encounter. He is now 20 and it is up to him.

In the future, and my wife knows this, while I am on board with providing time-limited assistance such as funds for a room or something of that nature, I do not want him living under our roof again. He is disrespectful, arrogant, and not someone who can live productively and harmoniously in a family setting. He either needs to be in an institutional setting with a great deal of structure, or living independently. Sadly, he is very difficult (hence his nickname in my signature) and nobody can get along with him for long unless the person agrees with him on everything and never has a differing opinion.

Please understand there is a middle ground between enabling an adult child and shutting the door on her/him. My wife and I were able to (mostly) find that middle ground. We will see what the next chapter with him and his brother will be. For now we are good and my stepson is in the care of his Higher Power.
 
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