Another development, another update. Oy.

[Scent of Cedar *]

Thank you, Recovering. :O)

**************************

Basically, I rattle on about everything being okay. At the end? I ask about your own daughter, and about how you are.

********************

The abuser will have his hearing tomorrow.

difficult child daughter continues to progress well. GRG granddaughter started school in the city where she now lives with difficult child daughter. They continue at the shelter. In addition to other specialists, difficult child continues to see the doctor (GP) who prescribed the Cymbalta that pushed her over the edge to begin with. This appears to be a good thing for both of them ~ difficult child because she has a primary care physician who has followed her case over time, and the physician himself because he is learning what can happen when a medication is prescribed in good faith to someone already on shaky ground.

husband and I are almost back to steady normal, but better than normal, I think. The changes I worked so hard for seem to be permanent things. I feel differently about myself. For a little while there, I wondered whether I was going to be raw and angry the rest of my life. The answer to that one is "no". I think I may have been angry because I was actually seeing what was happening, rather than slipping into an automatic kind of denial. (Mostly, I am talking about family of origin issues, here.) I don't know what to do about these things I see, now. It is interesting to me that I feel no need to fix anything or to bring it back into balance. It just is what it is. Just recently, I am noticing a lessening of judgment where family of origin issues are concerned. I am still hooked into anger or...is it jealousy? Something judgmental that I become aware of and then, try to acknowledge the fairness of, and then...I think I am letting go of the right of judgment for.

They are who they are, too. They have their own destinies, their own paths to follow. If my presence within that circle can only be a role...I don't know anything more about that, only that this is what I do know, what I do think I see. I am more than a role. So are they. I wish it were different. It is what it is seems to be an appropriate summary. I don't know where I am going with that, or even whether there is anywhere to go. difficult child daughter applauds these changes. She is the only person I have confronted who does. My relationship to difficult child granddaughter is also back on a firm footing.

I like that you asked, Recovering.

:O)

Here is a recent dream: I am in a hospital. I am a visitor. I think I am myself, but a more masculine version. (Remember Jung, here.) I see many things, there. The sun is out, the quality of the light beautifully bright, the hospital very clean.

Smells good, there.

Bread baking somewhere?

I decide to leave the hospital. As I am leaving, I see someone ~ a nanny-nurse kind of person, big and strong and reassuring, and dressed the way all the nanny-nurses dress in the movies. White uniform, cape and etc. She is wheeling a beautiful, costly perambulator. (Why not just a baby buggy? I don't know. "Perambulator" is the only word that fits in describing this dream.)

The perambulator is like, really huge. So is the nurse, now that I think about it.

There is no sense of threat, though the nurse is extremely competent, and the babies are in her charge. They are preparing to leave the hospital. They may have been visiting someone there, too.

Anyway.

I peek into the perambulator as I am passing, the way people do, and see two of the most incredible babies. Between three and six months old, their eyes are a deep, sapphire blue on blue. No whites. They are happy, so happy. They make me happy. They look up, and smile at me, those toothless baby smiles all innocent and full of spit.

:O)

And that's the dream. One of the babies is bigger, or is nearer to me. Neither baby attempts to rise out of the perambulator. They are happy, beautiful babies in the care of a competent nurse.

It is such a cool dream that it is making me happy to remember it, even now.

I don't know whether the babies are aspects of myself, or aspects of my real life children. We were talking about dreams here once, and someone said all aspects of a dream are ourselves.

There is no speech, in the dream. There is no sense of recognition or purpose, other than happiness at seeing the babies' eyes.

Well...the eyes are open, right?

The nurse is leaving the hospital, too. She doesn't pause for me to see the babies. It is just one of those pleasant things that happen sometimes, when you see someone else's babies in passing.

****************

What is happening in your life now, Recovering? I wonder how your daughter is, whether she continues in relationship to the good man. During the times either of our children have been in healthy relationships, there were times when they felt safe enough to be angry with us over things they felt we had not handled well. It was always interesting to finally meet the healthy other person, and to see the surprise in their faces upon meeting us. I felt that was a good thing, for the kids to have an ally, to have someone loyal to them, someone committed to their strength and success. Over time, everything came back into balance, as the relationship between the kids and ourselves developed into one of equals, rather than dependencies and accusation and guilt and all those bad things.

Maybe this is happening now, with your daughter?

If it is, I think that is a healthy thing. It feels so wrong, so stupidly hurtful, to be the parent during this time Recovering, but I think it is part of what the kids needs to go through to find out for themselves what the situation was during the time they were sliding down that rabbit hole.

They have their own series of denials to break through. It is really hard for them to face what they've done to themselves, and to us and their so-judgmental extended families.

Sadness, all around. If this is happening, Recovering, hold strong. She will take her hatred for herself out on you before she can face it for herself. Somehow, the kids always think we are magically stronger than anyone really could be. They never think we can be hurt, or that there are times of decision and choice that we barely survive, too. You will have to be your own best mother through this time, if that is what is happening. (Know what? That is what I always tell my daughter ~ and sometimes, what I tell myself.)

We need to be our own best mothers, Recovering.

difficult child son went back to drugs, and lost the good, strong woman. I was just thinking about her, yesterday. When it happened that she left him, she required of him that he come to us with her, and tell us the truth about his drug use.

He did.

That did not stop it, and she left him. Those were the years I was last on this site, the time I post about, about learning not to enable and then, husband picking it up and bringing difficult child son broccoli. (Well, and everything else he needed to survive. He is so angry about that stupid broccoli to this day!)

Ha!

The outcome was not good, though difficult child son did eventually stop using.

We have been through that so many times with difficult child daughter. She and I even talk about it, about being strong enough and independent enough to be able to tell us off being a part of healing, and a good place for her to be.

Would you like to post about what is happening with your daughter, Recovering? I would like to know, if you are willing to share. The last thing I read indicated that you are not hearing from her. I am sorry, Recovering. Whatever it is that is happening with our troubled children, it is so hard to be their mothers.

So impossibly hard.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

I enjoyed reading your update which seems so positive and encouraging.......I know how hard you worked to get there, I am happy for you Cedar. I am particularly happy to read that your connection to your daughter and granddaughter is back on firm ground again. Hearing that your daughter applauds your changes really warmed my heart.........

Please let us know what happens at the hearing tomorrow with the abuser.

That dream is so promising, so filled with LIFE and what feels like vitality and joy........babies..........new life, a new beginning............for all of you. Yes, I have been told that everything in dreams represent us. New life Cedar, what a joy!

Thank you for asking about my daughter Cedar. Although, right now, it is quiet on that front. I haven't seen her since Christmas, when she seemed much more reserved. She gave me a beautiful gift and had gifts for everyone, the first time since her husband died. She then posted on FB on New Years Eve about how she missed her daughter and step daughter and wanted to have a relationship with them. And, how she had no social life and was at home alone on that night.

I think the man she is living with is more like a friend. He is a good guy I think. She emailed me a lengthy email which included a statement about how he didn't hear her. That was when I responded with my own lengthy email and opted to tell her, among other things, that her demands of others can be pretty daunting and unrealistic, that in fact, this guy didn't sign on to be her everything, just to help her get on her feet. She exhausts people with her relentless demands. That email was my best shot at the truth and I haven't heard much from her since. Although, that is not unusual. She has no real relationship with time, or responsibility to others, so it is what it is.

I really don't know what she is planning to do. She could simply stay in the same place and burn this guy out like she has done for years with various people. She stays a year or two in someone else's home, doesn't work, judges them and thinks somehow she deserves so much more but doesn't do anything to change anything. Or perhaps she has awakened on some level and will change. I just don't know. She usually gets lost for periods of time like now, when I don't hear from her and she surfaces when she needs something. She is a very unusual person Cedar, I cannot describe her and do her justice. She fits the profile of someone who has Narcissistic Personality disorder as well as some bi-polar and depression traits and also has anxiety issues. Sometimes I think the best I can do is keep out of her orbit as I've done, make sure I am not responsible for her choices, love her.......... and.................that's all I know now..........

I want to believe that she is using this time to regroup, find a job, look at alternatives, change, mend fences, shift her choices to positive ones, seek help.............but I really don't know. I email her information on occasion when I see something she might be interested in............I FB her caring thoughts..............but she rarely responds. She literally lives a few blocks from me now and I never see her.

It is sad Cedar, but actually it has ceased to be that hard or that sad anymore. Just in the last few months things have shifted for me in many different ways. There is nothing I can do about any of this and I have grieved my socks off, cried my eyes out, raged against fate and everything else we mothers do.............I am done with that now. I did everything I possible could and more to make this different and I have given up that fight now. I believe I have simply accepted what is.

I focus on my granddaughter now and making sure she gets the best shot out of the gate. Beyond that, in the bigger picture, I really feel as if I have completed this part of my journey, this karma, this destiny............there are no more little ones coming down the highway with my genetics through my daughter, she is now too old to have any more children. Thank God.

My granddaughter does not exhibit any strange behaviors at this point and although mental illness does often present later in life, having grown up with so much of it, there are almost always tendencies early on which one can observe if you are looking and she really is just a normal, healthy teenager.........Thank God once again. I love watching her develop into a woman who is healthy, strong, compassionate, funny, smart, insightful, perceptive and really cool to know. She and I have talked about how in some other "real" world, I am her mother, SO is her Dad and she is our daughter..................we all feel that very strongly. Even though she calls us the grandparent "units."

I have a distinct feeling that I am now on a different path entirely. All of the enabling, codependency, unhealthy family connections and dysfunctional relationships are a thing of the past...........I worked on all of that for................hmmmmmm...........40 years!! I'm done! Once granddaughter leaves the nest for college, SO and I have travel plans whether I am retired or not.............I have a lot of vacation time each year and we plan on using it up. I am focusing on ME now and what MY needs are...........it is actually thrilling! In that last few months so much dust has settled and now when I look around what I see is beauty, what I feel is joy and what I know is that life is precious, the most important thing is LOVE and connection.............. helping where you can......... enjoying the ride and having FUN. It's all good.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I just read this and it seemed so appropriate to this whole thread.......

"Whatever happens to you, don’t fall in despair. Even if all the doors are closed, a secret path will be there for you that no one knows. You can’t see it yet but so many paradises are at the end of this path. Be grateful! It is easy to thank after obtaining what you want, thank before having what you want."
Rumi

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

rescuer/victim/persecutor is a triangle within which we actually roll around in all the roles, but we have a favorite.............mine was rescuer.

She explained to me that in order to step out of that triangle, I had to own all three roles.

It was hard because it interfered with my own self perception.

When the true magnitude of my part in all of it made it through my own denial, I was utterly appalled and I broke down.

It was all so tied in to how I viewed myself, that role I had, the one I felt so valued for.

Those inauthentic roles die hard, they are so tied to our fragile and wounded egos.

My own path through all of this stuff has undeniably been to recognize the part I played and how harmful that was to myself and to those I rescued............

But, she cannot any longer play in that triangle with ME, so around, ME, she has to be different. How that translates in to her own existence, I don't know. And, I don't have the authority to step in to save her, (really, I never did) she has to do that on her own now. I have learned that I can only do that for myself...........

Those inauthentic roles....

Like so many things in our lives, Recovering, that role of "rescuer" (for lack of a better term) was consciously chosen. Either of us may have chosen, as our abusers did, the persecutor or even, the role of victim, instead. There is a power hit in both those roles, I think. Credit where credit is due, Recovering. We did choose a template, a role, some kind of guiding philosophy. For both of us, who had seen so much that was hurtful, the first precept was not Savior, Save Me, or You're Not Worth Saving but "Do no harm."

Triumph for us again, Recovering.

I think Drama Triangle is a good tool for getting a little perspective. But Recovering, you are no more a persecutor or a victim than the man in the moon. If these tools have helped us understand the concept of and the harm in enabling, then they have been of some value...but that is their only value.

This response has something to do with your recent posting about your daughter. I am not sure how it connects.

I agree that the dynamic Rescuer/Victim/Persecutor exists. I do not agree that either of us found vindication in the persecutor role, or that we even took it on. If anything, it was in allowing ourselves to see that we are not responsible for what others do that caused the primary dynamic of our paradigms to change. It is never wrong to try to save someone we love. However we got where we got to, our choices were not to save our children instead of letting them save themselves. Our choice pretty much boiled down to committing to save those we love or throwing them away as we had ourselves been thrown away.

The saving factor here for both of us was not in learning how not to rescue, but in learning how not to judge.

This is true, I think.

If we are not responsible, we do not have to take the hit. We do not have to understand. We do not have either the right or the power to forgive what someone else has chosen. Which means that, at long last, in addition to doing no harm? Now, we can take no ****, too. (I saw that on FB.)

:O)

As you posted here, once you changed, everything changed. I find this, too. But the change that happened had nothing to do with us deciding not to rescue, persecute or villainize. It had to do with...I don't know. It has something to do with the Rumi poem you posted, Recovering. Something to do with gratitude and self-cherishing.

Well, I don't know how to say what I'm trying to say. But it has something to do with the pain behind the posting about your daughter.

You are right, Recovering. She is walking her own path. She may follow the same self-destructive path forever. That is such a hard thing for a mother to know.

I did not hear compassion for yourself in your post about your daughter, Recovering. That is what I am trying to link here, I think. I hear strength. I hear determination to make healthy choices. I hear an understanding that you do not know how the coming changes will look or feel...but I don't hear compassion for the mother whose only child is walking such a difficult path.

We have had to be so strong, Recovering. We have taken hit after hit, believing it was something in us that needed to be addressed. But Recovering, even as little kids who knew nothing much about anything at all, we picked "I will do what I can to make it better. Not just for me, and maybe, not for me at all. Just...I will do what little I can to make it better."

I am glad you chose the Rumi. I love it. I find it appropriate.

And I agree that is where you are going, next.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thanks Cedar, it was interesting to read your post...........certainly I have to admit that self compassion is something I work on improving, I appreciate that you picked up on that. As a (former) enabler/rescuer, it has been about the care of others, not myself, my worth was made clear to me early on............my value was all about how well I took care of others..............it's been a long path out of that.

My experience in therapy with the drama triangle occurred 25 years ago. I look at that as simply a part of the therapeutic process which really was valuable to me. Certainly no harm was ever intentional, but I did have to own the fact that enabling others does do harm......intentional or not. That was exceedingly difficult for me since I always saw myself as a really good guy............but once I went through the yucky feelings and faced what I had unintentionally done, there was a real sense of freedom out of that triangle at that point in time............As is always the case, it is not a prescription for everyone's growth or healing, but it had a positive impact on me............even though it was hard to admit. It was subtle and hard for me to face, but as most things that are hard to face, it had a very good outcome. They are all just words, persecutor, victim, rescuer............it is the feeling underneath and the denial of what is real that is important. We are not abusers, I never saw myself as that..............just wounded and sometimes making poor choices because I didn't know any better.......and sometimes those poor choices did harm.

I see your point about judging............that is very true. But for me, I also went on to try to save others..................to take care of them at all costs..............it was a role ingrained in me very early and not doing that invoked fear in me because of consequences within my family which were absurdly unrealistic and actually cruel, however, it was what I learned very early. I see it even now with my granddaughter and she says, " I know how to do that Grammy................." and then I let go. My SO points this out to me as well, so I have my two "teachers" polishing me up now!

It's funny Cedar, I have so much time now without saving the world, without my daughter's antics, with not stepping in to do so much for my granddaughter...........and in addition, I am only working a few hours a day for only 4 days each week.............and we've been juicing for a few days as a health/cleansing program, so I have not been cooking or shopping for food or even thinking about meals..............so I have even more time...............and I have been getting pedicures, massages, doing nurturing things for myself.................and yesterday I commented to SO that this was so different, this lack of busyness, this calm, this peacefulness, this remarkable uninterrupted amount of time I have now...........this "all about me" stuff.................and he looked at me and very sweetly said, "it's about time ..........you're the one who kept yourself from this." Yes, I did.....................and no more.................my compassion for myself is growing.

This journey with my daughter has gone on for decades Cedar...........and unlike your daughter, my daughter is not a kind and loving soul, she is hard and can be mean and selfish.............like many others in my family............my Dad, my sister, one of my brothers, my Mom...............I had to distance myself from them in ways that were so very difficult to do................and yet I had to in order to be okay.............my daughter has so much work to do to own what she has done to her daughter, to me, to pretty much everyone in her life.............she has done a lot of harm. That is a journey she will have to undertake on her own, I can't help with that...............and my belief is she is at the very beginning of that part of her life now..........it seems as if she may have just realized that she is the one who needs to do the work so that she can have a connection to the rest of us. Or not. I feel that I need to keep a certain distance as she comes to her realizations, if that is what will happen........and allow her the space to come towards us.............when she is ready.............that feels right to me.

I will look inside to discover my compassion for myself with my daughter Cedar.........it's a good point you make. I've gone through so much pain and suffering where she is concerned, right now I feel like I am on a vacation from all of it............I'm hoping a permanent vacation from all of it too.................."a paradise."

 

[recoveringenabler]

‘Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment.’ ~Thich Nhat Hanh

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good morning Cedar..........what happened at the hearing?

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Good Morning, Recovering

:O)

The hearing was held, but had not been completed when last I spoke to difficult child daughter yesterday. The man's mother sent difficult child daughter a picture of the male from the courthouse...it was sad. She was so happy to see her son and had no one to share that with, so she sent the picture to difficult child daughter. difficult child daughter does not believe the man will be released.

You are right, Recovering. I had best go check that out!

Cedar

 

[Nomad]

Hopefully I will feel better (been so very sick) and will read more of this wonderful discussion...only perused. But the only thing sure in life is change. "Bad" Cedar and all. And I LOVE that there is a new Sheriff in town. You guys are so very funny in the midst of all this "stuff." One esoteric coach I met with once re: my difficult child said she felt that difficult child was placed on this earth to teach people (me, my husband,our son and others) lessons that could not be taught any other way and she chose to be born and adopted and even live a relatively hard life in order to pass along lessons. This is a bit much for me, but I try to keep my mind open to the notion that I have had to learn many new and different things since her being in my world and my eyes have been more open to the oddities, injustices, evils...as well as the goodness, kindness and love in this world.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

One esoteric coach I met with once re: my difficult child said she felt that difficult child was placed on this earth to teach people (me, my husband,our son and others) lessons that could not be taught any other way and she chose to be born and adopted and even live a relatively hard life in order to pass along lessons.

I agree with this, Nomad. And our difficult children are learning lessons, too. Sometimes? When it's been an especially trying time? I tell myself difficult child daughter had so many lessons to learn that God gave her me for a mother just to get her through it.

:O)

Ahem.

Cedar

P.S. I get it that no one was given a certain person as a mother to help them through it, much as my ego blossoms and responds to that kind of thinking. We are all learning, here. It is just as likely that difficult child was given to me to help me through it. Or, that we are all given to one another exactly when, where, and how we are needed.

Life is so strangely, beautifully complex. How could it be that we are engaged, deeply engaged, in anything but exactly what it looks like? It's been an impossibly hard journey for all of us, though. I am so happy to have found this site, so glad it is here for us.

And that we are here for one another.

A blessing, for sure. Maybe? Even a bona fide miracle, right here in this "often grubby, day we are blessed to be alive in."

********************

Still haven't talked with difficult child daughter, Recovering. husband did talk to her yesterday. Believe it or not, they talked more about difficult child doctor visits than what the abusive male's sentence was. Here is a funny. husband really does not want difficult child or difficult child granddaughter to come here, now that everything is resolving successfully right where she is. So, though I am thinking difficult child must have told husband about the sentence, about the abusive male's mother asking difficult child to write a letter asking for leniency, about the picture the mom sent difficult child? She also told him she would be ready to come down after a surgery on the 7th.

And that is the only thing husband clearly remembered or wanted to talk about, last night!

:O)

*********************

Nomad, this is a story I read once, about the purpose of life.

It is as though we are on a machine of some kind, held in place while tiny needles pierce our skins in the same patterns, over and over and over, throughout our lives. Eventually, just as we are dieing, we "read" the patterns we cannot see but can only feel, and have felt, all of our lives.

It wasn't a very good story, really? But I never forgot it, either.

Here is another:

I read this in one of my father's Playboy magazines.

:O)

So, everywhere you look, there are people lying on the ground. There is nothing else. Each of the people is connected to something, some thing no one quite understands, in the middle of the place where everyone is, by a cord that extends from the mysterious place into the body of each person. When a woman becomes pregnant, the first sign of pregnancy is that a second cord begins growing from her ankle into her uterus. Each of the people is pulled along the ground at a different rate of speed. Some of the people travel so closely that they fall in love. Some hate one another, but there they are, being dragged along the ground at a speed they did not choose, toward something they do not understand.

No one escapes.

No one knows what it is, where they are going, what happens when they get there.

And no one ever comes back.

I never forgot that story, either.

And here is something beautiful I read, once. It is a Jewish wisdom quote.

"Both you and the other came naked into the world, and will eventually sleep in the dust, together."

I love that.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I think the man she is living with is more like a friend. He is a good guy I think. She emailed me a lengthy email which included a statement about how he didn't hear her. That was when I responded with my own lengthy email and opted to tell her, among other things, that her demands of others can be pretty daunting and unrealistic, that in fact, this guy didn't sign on to be her everything, just to help her get on her feet.

That email was my best shot at the truth and I haven't heard much from her since.

Sometimes I think the best I can do is keep out of her orbit as I've done, make sure I am not responsible for her choices, love her.......... and.................that's all I know now..........

I email her information on occasion when I see something she might be interested in............I FB her caring thoughts...........

She literally lives a few blocks from me now and I never see her.

It is sad Cedar, but actually it has ceased to be that hard or that sad anymore.

There is nothing I can do about any of this and I have grieved my socks off, cried my eyes out, raged against fate and everything else we mothers do.............I am done with that now. I did everything I possible could and more to make this different and I have given up that fight now. I believe I have simply accepted what is.

I focus on my granddaughter now and making sure she gets the best shot out of the gate. Beyond that, in the bigger picture, I really feel as if I have completed this part of my journey, this karma, this destiny....

I love watching her develop into a woman who is healthy, strong, compassionate, funny, smart, insightful, perceptive and really cool to know. She and I have talked about how in some other "real" world, I am her mother, SO is her Dad and she is our daughter..................we all feel that very strongly. Even though she calls us the grandparent "units."

now when I look around what I see is beauty, what I feel is joy and what I know is that life is precious, the most important thing is LOVE and connection.............. helping where you can......... enjoying the ride and having FUN. It's all good.

The hardest thing to do is to tell them true things, Recovering. You are such a great mother for this person. Patient, honest; strong, loving presence. No enabling. I have to be really careful about that enabling piece.

I like to reread your postings. There is always something more for me. I remember you posting something about needing to focus on ourselves, not on everyone else, and not on anyone else.

That must be where I am getting to, next.

It is true that the identity I have created, the way I know myself, is through the grief and desperation of trying to save my kids. Whatever else I have done, that is who I have been. In wondering who I was before I had kids...there is my terminally abusive, don't-think-about-you-think-about-me mother.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I wanted to add that one of my New Year's resolutions had been to be kinder to myself. I did not know how I would do that, or what it would look like. Only that I was going to try to do that. That decision, that thing to try, has resulted in the most amazing kinds of things. I find myself excusing my appearance on the days I look bad. I find myself excusing, or at least, being aware of, so many odd little things, and came to realize the depth of self-condemnation that is usual for me. Like detachment itself, it has been easy, once I decided to do it. Part of this has been detaching from those negativities I used to find validation in. But the validation I found there had nothing to do with anything real, and everything, everything to do with the role I chose to survive the dysfunctions in my family of origin.

It is only as we begin to heal that we realize how damaging the way we treat ourselves has been.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Seems that your life has been about either being harmed by your mother or being responsible for your wayward kids....................well, the good news is that is over now and you can discover who Cedar is and what Cedar wants and where Cedar wants to be going now. It's never too late...........like a Tom Robbins quote........"it's never too late to have a happy childhood."

Waking up from our slumber I think is when we can truthfully access how unkind and in fact, cruel we've been to ourselves............the level of joy we missed...........the whipping post we may have become............the recipient of bad behavior and even the elimination of pleasure and comfort............I understand it personally and see it in others as well. As I have awakened, little by little, I learn to be kinder and more loving towards myself........I too have seen my own self cruelty.........

I was just in my granddaughter's bedroom and noticed a hanging mural I bought at a Japanese Garden which she confiscated and hung in her room...........it's lovely and the beautiful writing on it says..........."you yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." Buddha. Perhaps that is a quote you might make your own on your journey towards loving yourself. It's what I concentrate on now.

All of this, our kids, our abusive backgrounds, our relationships, the choices we've made or haven't made, to me, are part of a destiny path which seems all about learning how to love ourselves and then how to love others......and take what we've learned along the way and give it away to others, offer it as our gift born out of our own learning path. My belief, as Nomad mentioned too, is that we have teachers and lessons along the way..........sometimes we are the student as well..............but each life incident, each person we encounter has something to offer us............I recall reading years ago that some of our best teachers are our greatest adversaries............at that time I was going through a bitter divorce from my daughter's Dad............it was clear to me that he was that adversary and realistically he taught me remarkable independence and strength and courage...........not easy, but very beneficial..........my parents and all of the mental illness and struggles that created for me put me on a path I never would have endeavored down if it weren't for that beginning and it was difficult and arduous at times, however, what I have learned and gained far outweighs all the pain.............as with my daughter too..............as Nomad said about her daughter too.............she has taught me very BIG lessons in how to set boundaries, how to care more for myself and focus on me, really, how to love myself. For me, looking at all of it as life lessons which enable me to become who I was meant to become makes the most sense to me.

Right now, for me, all the gossamer strings which were disconnected are all coming together now.........forming a solid base of self love, gratitude, peace and a sense of play. I completely believe my daughter was the missing piece in my own history............a path she and I had to address for both of us to be liberated from our inauthentic roles..........how she continues on her path now is entirely up to her...........I made my choice in that and I chose myself...............it sounds weird to say that in a way, and yet I know in my heart that that is the choice that freed me..........and her too........I think it had to be weighty on her to have my well being rest on her shoulders.

It's a new day Cedar. New Sheriffs, new possibilities, new relationships, new outlook, new perceptions, new boundaries, new knowledge, new opportunities.......................we are quite fortunate to have lived through the darkness and made it out into the light...........it's time to celebrate and really acknowledge what we've done and put our feet into the next step with a new sense of excitement, passion and joy..............

 

[greenrene]

I wanted to add that one of my New Year's resolutions had been to be kinder to myself. I did not know how I would do that, or what it would look like. Only that I was going to try to do that. That decision, that thing to try, has resulted in the most amazing kinds of things.

I saw this on Facebook right around New Year's, and I immediately knew it was for me. I believe it is the core of all that I'm wanting in life, all that I'm trying to accomplish with my self-awakening, therapy, relationships... - my therapist told me that when I'm TRULY making myself the priority, then everything else falls into place.

I've started walking with my boys for 20 minutes or so every day before school, and it's done wonders for me. The other day it hit me - I've been feeling just plain GOOD lately despite some external craziness, and I think it's the exercise. I need to let this positivity build on itself and not forget how good I feel.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good for you Greenrene, it made me happy to read your post. I just recently read that if you walk for just 11 minutes it shifts your brain chemistry and can uplift your mood. Exercise and diet are extremely important for our well being. For those of us who didn't learn self care and self love, these are the most valuable things we can learn on our journey to wholeness and healing..............a few of us here did not have a positive mother image who nurtured us and taught us to love ourselves, so we're doing it on our own..............but WE'RE DOING IT!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

how unkind and in fact, cruel we've been to ourselves............

the level of joy we missed...........

the whipping post we may have become............the recipient of bad behavior and even the elimination of pleasure and comfort...........

"you yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." Buddha.

I recall reading years ago that some of our best teachers are our greatest adversaries.

forming a solid base of self love, gratitude, peace and a sense of play.

a path she and I had to address for both of us to be liberated from our inauthentic roles

how she continues on her path now is entirely up to her

I made my choice in that and I chose myself

I know in my heart that that is the choice that freed me..........

and her too........

I think it had to be weighty on her to have my well being rest on her shoulders.

it's time to celebrate and really acknowledge what we've done and put our feet into the next step with a new sense of excitement, passion and joy..............

The whipping post , the recipient of bad behavior, the elimination of pleasure and comfort....

To feel the element of personal choice at play in each of the remembrances brought to life and color by your words was an amazing thing, Recovering. All day, I have been reviewing images of times like that. There are so many! How strange, that anyone raised as we have been was able to function in the world....

Greenrene, hello!

:O)

Thank you for posting. It is nice to hear from you, again. I saw something similar to your posting, too. That is what made me think to just try to be nice to, to befriend and cherish myself. It's been such a good experience, but so shocking, too. I thought I was aware of the negatives ~ turns out I had no idea.

Good for you, good for all of us, here.

We are rewiring the limbic, rewriting the future we were surely destined to have. I loved what you posted Recovering, about play, and about joy.

And gratitude.

:O)

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Good morning!

Cedar, I hope it was a positive experience to relive moments where you made choices in how you would respond..............I believe that once we bring that stuff "up" from the dark recesses where they are hidden, then they are cleansed and released by the recognition of them.

It brings to mind that statement, "misery is optional." When I first heard that many years ago I really had a problem with it, as if we had control over our responses..............now I understand that we do...........which doesn't mean we don't feel or have empathy or compassion............like a baby---- feel it, let it go............we don't want to turn it into a story line and then live out the role in the story........as Carolyn Myss talks about, where we are identified by our wounding and that's who we become.......

I think your realizing "the element of choice" for yourself allows you to be empowered by the knowledge that YOU decide how you want to respond to any given situation............like those healthy Centenarian's interviewed whose common trait is the way in which they respond to life's stressors..............they have the same kinds of experiences which one suffers from, they just react and respond differently which doesn't set up long periods of suffering............they let it go.

I was recently watching a documentary on a hidden tribe in New Guinea who have absolutely no heart attacks or stress related diseases..............when the tribe leader first saw the never seen before white people, he ran around screaming with his weapon, but did not attack, did not respond with anything but surprise and warning the tribe. Once he realized there was no danger, he let it go and invited the new men into his home. He didn't harbor the fear and over-think it into something else. Like the research done in Waking the Tiger, about trauma and how to let it go and not let it remain in the body/mind. It's fascinating work and another reminder that WE have the power to choose and change our responses to trauma.

You've taken each step along the way Cedar and identified the feelings, felt them and recognized the options for change............you've allowed the changes necessary for you step out of the parts of relationships which are toxic for you and invited in new facets of your personality which offer healing and wholeness. I'd say you have much to celebrate and feel really good about. You've shown great courage in facing the dark places within yourself...............perhaps a Manhattan and a Dean Martin song, along with a slow dance with husband are in order now............just for the pure fun of it!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It is making a difference, Recovering. I am getting a glimmering of seeing that my children are adult people, this morning.

What a strange thing.

Coming along with it is a separation between my mother and myself. I truly am not responsible on any level for what she thinks or believes. There was a time when I was harmed by her illness. What she thinks or believes, then or now, is her truth. Has nothing to do with me. Not the good, and not the bad.

The world is a very different place this morning.

It's like I've gone beyond something, broken through some transparent barrier. I'm curious about this place. Everything is different, but nothing has changed.

So much to dream, last night. Dream after dream after dream that I was so sure I would remember.

Have you felt this, Recovering?

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Yes Cedar, I have felt that. I recall saying to myself and anyone who would listen to me that, none of this was my fault, I had nothing to do with any of it with my daughter.............it was always ALL on her shoulders. That was after I had to admit to myself exactly who she is, not who I thought she was.............as you have recently done with both of your children. I think when we can look at them and see them for who they are, not the children we see, or the helpless victims they pretend to be, or the wronged party they always end up being.................but see the major manipulating, secretive, deceptive, lying, entitled characters they really usually are.................then we start seeing the truth everywhere............ugly realizations/liberating realizations, all in one.

Then, for me, once I could see the truth, I started seeing, like you are, how I in fact chose my daughter's perceptions over my own well being.................... and that then changed..............I began focusing on me and what I needed and wanted. Liberation, self love and self care all multiplying at warp speed...........

We are NOT tied to our parents and our children, they are separate human beings having their own experience based on their own choices. We are not responsible for any of it. And, now that I am through that tunnel, I believe that when we take that responsibility from another, EVERYONE LOSES.

I made that journey differently then you have. I separated from each individual in my family of origin over a rather long period of time...............starting with my brother, then my sister, then my mother, then my daughter............and along the way, a couple of friends and jobs and other people and things went away as casualties of my growth.............with each it was similar and yet with my daughter it was the most difficult and devastating to me................and the sense of freedom and self love now has grown proportionately.

Out of the fog, seeing things as they really are, not colored by our own internal need to take it on, our own false persona or their false persona...................the end of harmonious neurosis and the beginning of healthy relationships.............or in some cases, the ending of unhealthy relationships altogether. I could only stay in relationships where the commitment to change was also present in the other..............no commitment to change..... I booked. My motto has been, "unconscious people are hazardous to my health."

For some of us, in particular on the PE side, where our kids are older adults............ looking at our own childhood "stuff" our own enabling patterns, our own wounding and hurts is the only way we can change the unhealthy patterns with our difficult child's and begin the healing process. Often detaching from our family members forces us to change..............or not, we can always stay the same, it's our choice.

And, I think we can then let go of judgment, have compassion for those we have to detach from, but recognize, it is not our burden to change them, it is theirs. We don't have to rail against what monsters they were or are, how much they harmed us or did us wrong, they did what they did, we recognized it, we detached, we let it go and we accept what is. It's over.

Which brings us to a new chapter in our lives................without all of that angst, we have a lot of time, energy, new commitments, new thinking................this love for oneself is an awesome, inspiring, remarkable development...........my acupuncturist used to tell me that I had no idea what peace and relaxation in my body was............all that worrying about others all the time...............well, it's gone now..............I feel that peace...........it used to be fleeting but now it's moved in...............that was my goal, to find peace and to learn acceptance.

What is your goal now Cedar? What do YOU want?

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Recovering, I don't know what I want.

I want to trust myself enough to commit to exploring my curiosities until I am the one who decides to stop. In a way, this has already begun. I am saying "yes" to most things. Strangely enough, persons are suddenly presenting me with options I can say yes to.

This is most unusual, Recovering.

It has to do with the Rumi quote you posted for me, about being thankful before you know how it is going to be. So, it would be about making trust more real than fear. I have been so afraid of so many things. Certain I was a coward, certain I was a fraud, I have been afraid of so many things. How strange, to realize it was never about cowardice. It was about opening my eyes and speaking my truth, about speaking my perceptions without tailoring them not to offend.

About being who I am without tailoring me not to offend.

I am strong enough to be offensive, now.

:O)

What a surprise to learn that my offensiveness is simply honest preference.

That, and the idea that I don't have to DO anything. There is nothing I have to do. This is so new, too. It's like I just want to look around. Everything looks so different.

Every single thing.

For those following or embarking on this journey yourselves: The past week or two have been wildly intense. I don't want to leave anyone thinking it has been this easy thing. When first awakened, those emotions are as intense as they were when we decided to bury them, to deny them, to justify and rationalize and change them into something else. But if you could see what everything looks like from here! It has to do with refusing automatic condemnation. Those negative thought patterns our abusers taught not by choice, but by example. Until we see them, we live by them. Their sicknesses, somehow incorporated into our views of the world. Until we confront those inner truths, we cannot decide for ourselves whether they are valid or not.

I think it has to do with that.

The Joel Osteen materials have been so helpful to me, too.

And you being right here, Recovering.

Thank you.

Cedar