Another failed attempt

[LetGo]

Thanks, KSM. I wanted so hard to stick to my guns of no more money - but I was such a mess about his well being. After much thinking and prayer, I had to give him another 7 days to make the contacts out there that he needs to in order to be safe and then progress from there (please, God). And yes - depending on what happens when this week is over, it might be a different decision..... Thank you.

SVD, In my situation, I have found it hard to find that "line in the sand". I always knew that I would, just didn't know what would finally cause me to say "Enough." I finally have the line in the sand with my 2 oldest children. My younger 2 are thankfully, wonderful. I have struggled with my feelings and what ifs but have not gone back on my lines in the sand. Overall, I know that is what is best for me and ultimately, for them. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs

 

[So Very Drained]

SVD, In my situation, I have found it hard to find that "line in the sand". I always knew that I would, just didn't know what would finally cause me to say "Enough." I finally have the line in the sand with my 2 oldest children. My younger 2 are thankfully, wonderful. I have struggled with my feelings and what ifs but have not gone back on my lines in the sand. Overall, I know that is what is best for me and ultimately, for them. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs

Can I ask what your line in the sand was?

 

[LetGo]

Can I ask what your line in the sand was?

Hi SVD, I have never been able to say "this is my line in the sand and if they cross it, that's it." Like most of us here, I could write a novel. There had been a lot of challenging behaviors, for years. We did the best we could but it slowly was eating me away. I was always anxious and waiting for the other shoe to fall. Regarding my daughter, at age 29, she decided to find her birth mother...I understood and gave her my blessings. (Long story) After she went to her birth mother's house, she did not bother to contact me for 16 months. This gets very long and involved so I won't get into everything. Birth parents were going to meet with my oldest son, her brother as well. Daughter told horrible lies about my son so the whole meeting never happened. She was kicked out of her birth mother's house and continued her life with substance, assault. That was her pattern when she lived near me. Assault was always part of her history from early childhood on. She skipped out on probation and was arrested and sentenced to prison. We have not had contact. With my son, at age 36, he became exceptionally verbally rude again. (A series of events) He and his wife excluded me and his brothers from their lives. The last spoken words I heard from him were " off, Mom". Even though he has a child with current his wife, he decided to disregard my grand daughter, his first born. Stopped seeing her, contacting her and paying child support. I had backed away after he told me to "F off" but what has he has done to my grand was the icing on the cake for me. I live a very calm, joyful and successful life. My husband is wonderful as are my two younger sons. I have a full life with family and friends. I cannot take the disrespect, insane life styles and choices my 2 older ones make. My mantra is "I don't want it, don't need it and most of all don't deserve it." I actually said that to my son. I have "Let Go" (although I occasionally fall into what if). Guess what though? Being unengaged is doable and it is so much more peaceful. I have decided how I want to live and let them live with their choices. We don't need to blend the two. If you've made it this far reading, thanks for listening. Best of luck on your journey with regaining "you".

 

[Copabanana]

I will add this. Sometimes "line in the sand" is a feeling that we respond to, rather than react to-- not a time, conditions, or circumstance. It is when "enough is enough" to the point where we act in our own behalf.

Lines in the sand are not in books. They are not in other people. They arise or emerge in us. Or more to the point, it's when we finally pay attention, give priority to, or take into account how we feel and what is the cost of what we bear.

It's putting ourselves, our welfare, our feelings into our own lives. A line in the sand is an act, it is an experience, it is an assertion of value. I have value. I am here. I am.

For me it was only tangentially related to some particular conduct or attribute of my child. It was when I allowed myself to pay attention to the cost to myself. It was when I became part of my own story. Until that point, only he was important.

 

[LetGo]

I will add this. Sometimes "line in the sand" is a feeling that we respond to, rather than react to-- not a time, conditions, or circumstance. It is when "enough is enough" to the point where we act in our own behalf.

Lines in the sand are not in books. They are not in other people. They arise or emerge in us. Or more to the point, it's when we finally pay attention, give priority to, or take into account how we feel and what is the cost of what we bear.

It's putting ourselves, our welfare, our feelings into our own lives. A line in the sand is an act, it is an experience, it is an assertion of value. I have value. I am here. I am.

For me it was only tangentially related to some particular conduct or attribute of my child. It was when I allowed myself to pay attention to the cost to myself. It was when I became part of my own story. Until that point, only he was important.

Absolutely! It is when we pay attention to the cost to ourselves and put actions in place to take care of us.

 

[So Very Drained]

Hi SVD, I have never been able to say "this is my line in the sand and if they cross it, that's it." Like most of us here, I could write a novel. There had been a lot of challenging behaviors, for years. We did the best we could but it slowly was eating me away. I was always anxious and waiting for the other shoe to fall. Regarding my daughter, at age 29, she decided to find her birth mother...I understood and gave her my blessings. (Long story) After she went to her birth mother's house, she did not bother to contact me for 16 months. This gets very long and involved so I won't get into everything. Birth parents were going to meet with my oldest son, her brother as well. Daughter told horrible lies about my son so the whole meeting never happened. She was kicked out of her birth mother's house and continued her life with substance, assault. That was her pattern when she lived near me. Assault was always part of her history from early childhood on. She skipped out on probation and was arrested and sentenced to prison. We have not had contact. With my son, at age 36, he became exceptionally verbally rude again. (A series of events) He and his wife excluded me and his brothers from their lives. The last spoken words I heard from him were " off, Mom". Even though he has a child with current his wife, he decided to disregard my grand daughter, his first born. Stopped seeing her, contacting her and paying child support. I had backed away after he told me to "F off" but what has he has done to my grand was the icing on the cake for me. I live a very calm, joyful and successful life. My husband is wonderful as are my two younger sons. I have a full life with family and friends. I cannot take the disrespect, insane life styles and choices my 2 older ones make. My mantra is "I don't want it, don't need it and most of all don't deserve it." I actually said that to my son. I have "Let Go" (although I occasionally fall into what if). Guess what though? Being unengaged is doable and it is so much more peaceful. I have decided how I want to live and let them live with their choices. We don't need to blend the two. If you've made it this far reading, thanks for listening. Best of luck on your journey with regaining "you".

Omg, waiting for the other shoe to fall...... The story of my life. It is hard to be joyful when you immediately think of the "other shoe". I obviously don't need tell you. I have been praying - and praying and praying - for God to intervene in my son's life and to PLEASE release me from the financial and emotional burden of my son's life. I have caved during this time - and I have been strong enough to not pay his rent or his phone bill - and even though I knew he would become homeless in the cold. I started taking Ativan (prescribed but not normally taken) - just enough to take the panic off and allow me to function and work. And I prayed. His "last night" in the room he has lived in was supposed to be Monday - then Tuesday - then today - and each reprieve was like a huge sigh, even if only for a night. Yesterday - he told me that a couple he initially met when he moved to the town where he currently lives - agreed to help him take his things to a storage shed - and today, the wife called to say that she and her husband talked - and they offered my son a room in their house temporarily to help him get back on his feet and stay off the streets. Can you believe it? I am immensely grateful. And I'm trying very very hard not to think about that other shoe..... Still praying.

 

[So Very Drained]

I will add this. Sometimes "line in the sand" is a feeling that we respond to, rather than react to-- not a time, conditions, or circumstance. It is when "enough is enough" to the point where we act in our own behalf.

Lines in the sand are not in books. They are not in other people. They arise or emerge in us. Or more to the point, it's when we finally pay attention, give priority to, or take into account how we feel and what is the cost of what we bear.

It's putting ourselves, our welfare, our feelings into our own lives. A line in the sand is an act, it is an experience, it is an assertion of value. I have value. I am here. I am.

For me it was only tangentially related to some particular conduct or attribute of my child. It was when I allowed myself to pay attention to the cost to myself. It was when I became part of my own story. Until that point, only he was important.

Truth.

 

[Copabanana]

praying and praying - for God to intervene in my son's life and to PLEASE release me from the financial and emotional burden of my son's life.

In my religion God needs us to do our part. YOU DID. Good for you!!!

they offered my son a room in their house temporarily to help him get back on his feet and stay off the streets. Can you believe it?

Yes, I can believe it. Your son created this opportunity. And he also was able to negotiate with his landlord for the additional days. See? And just as essential and necessary--you gave him the space to act. Good job!!!

 

[LetGo]

Omg, waiting for the other shoe to fall...... The story of my life. It is hard to be joyful when you immediately think of the "other shoe". I obviously don't need tell you. I have been praying - and praying and praying - for God to intervene in my son's life and to PLEASE release me from the financial and emotional burden of my son's life. I have caved during this time - and I have been strong enough to not pay his rent or his phone bill - and even though I knew he would become homeless in the cold. I started taking Ativan (prescribed but not normally taken) - just enough to take the panic off and allow me to function and work. And I prayed. His "last night" in the room he has lived in was supposed to be Monday - then Tuesday - then today - and each reprieve was like a huge sigh, even if only for a night. Yesterday - he told me that a couple he initially met when he moved to the town where he currently lives - agreed to help him take his things to a storage shed - and today, the wife called to say that she and her husband talked - and they offered my son a room in their house temporarily to help him get back on his feet and stay off the streets. Can you believe it? I am immensely grateful. And I'm trying very very hard not to think about that other shoe..... Still praying.

SVD, It really is okay for other people to step in and offer help. It may not last but at least it it off of you for awhile and gives your son another perspective. My daughter and son, both, had services that I helped get into place for them. My son basically disregarded the services. My daughter blew out of service/residence after residence. She finally had her own subsidized apartment and a day program. Great services to ensure she got her medication everyday and her monthly injection. She had a boyfriend who is disabled but a steady person who has an apartment and has been employed for over 20 years. I still visited with her and took her out for dinner, etc. It was as stable as I ever saw her. Then she had to fulfill her agonizing dream of going to her birthmother. I did give her my blessings but her life went completely down hill from that point. That was 8 years ago.

 

[Midst]

Just about a month ago, I filed another one of half a dozen missing person's reports with the Phoenix police. I didn't hear anything until last Friday afternoon. I was hoping that, as previously happened, any police officer who crossed paths with Josh would call me right away and put his phone on speaker and let me try once again to persuade Josh to get help or let us come to Phoenix and meet with us. Unfortunately, how that is handled is up to each individual police officer. In this case, the police officer did not call me but just called the officer in charge of taking the reports to report his interaction with Josh, and that officer then called me. He told me that the acting officer asked Josh if he would like to call/contact me, but Josh said he didn't want to talk to anyone. The officer asked if he wanted to get help, and as usual, Josh said no, he did not.

So, that was really disappointing, not to have had that chance to talk to him again. I had been thinking a lot about what I would say to Josh or ask him should I be able to speak to him again, and I didn't get the chance to do that.

I don't know how to think about this. I mean, it's a given that I will always love and pray for Josh. I pray for him every day, multiple times a day as God brings him to mind. But I have to wonder, does God want me to continue this cycle of "file a report/wait/be disappointed" again and again, or do I just give it up? Josh hangs out in or near a couple of the main libraries in Phoenix. Any time he wanted to get help or to contact us to come, he could do that. Yet, he doesn't.
Just before I heard from the officer on Friday, I had done another posting on FB, with a photo of Josh, asking people to keep a lookout for Josh and asking if they might consider reaching out to him with food, warm clothing, an encouraging word or encouragement to get help, etc. I got a lot of responses from people, some just reacting with empathy; other's promising to keep their eyes open for him. But given Josh's response on Friday, it seems foolish now to have asked people to do that. If he won't respond to my request to contact us, why would he respond to anyone else? I don't think I'll do it again.

I do have moments when I just want to give up entirely and let him go.

I'm so sorry for your situation. My 35 year old daughter is addicted to methamphetamine and living on the streets for about 5 years now. We've taken her in and tried to get her help, but she always leaves after a few days. We are currently raising her 2 1/2 year old son , my grandson since birth. She's now about 8 months pregnant again! She rarely contacts me via Facebook messenger, and I get tired of constantly sending messages to her or to her friends trying to talk to her. I no longer believe that she will get help and get clean. I try very hard not to dwell on her because it just makes me so heartbroken and stressed, and I can't let my emotions affect how I interact with my grandson. Letting go is the most painful thing I have ever done, but it's really the only thing I can do in order to keep my sanity. Praying is all we can do.

 

[Beta]

I'm so sorry for your situation. My 35 year old daughter is addicted to methamphetamine and living on the streets for about 5 years now. We've taken her in and tried to get her help, but she always leaves after a few days. We are currently raising her 2 1/2 year old son , my grandson since birth. She's now about 8 months pregnant again! She rarely contacts me via Facebook messenger, and I get tired of constantly sending messages to her or to her friends trying to talk to her. I no longer believe that she will get help and get clean. I try very hard not to dwell on her because it just makes me so heartbroken and stressed, and I can't let my emotions affect how I interact with my grandson. Letting go is the most painful thing I have ever done, but it's really the only thing I can do in order to keep my sanity. Praying is all we can do.

Midst,
I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. It sounds like you have done everything and more to help her, and she has made a choice to live as she is. It's inexplicable and it's heartrending, and I totally understand. There are times when I feel like I can't take another second of not knowing where our son is and knowing he is living a life that is degrading and dangerous, and I want to just scream and cry at the same time. But then I realize that that accomplishes nothing, and I pull myself together, pray for him, and then redirect my thoughts and actions to other things in my life. I just can't help wishing it would stop.