As if This Wasn’t Hard Enough

[Littleboylost]

yup another night gone to pot as far as sleep goes. It’s after 1 am and I am fuming and can’t sleep.

Son is in jail. Had a family friend visit him on Thursday and he was in the throws of detox. We decided to give it another week before we visit and I get this text this evening that has me upside down.

Sons new girlfriend age 16 has been with son for less than a month and officially dating for a week prior to his arrest. A week! Her mother is a police officer. They smoke pot and who knows what else together. When he ran the night he was arrested he was at their house.

Mom sent a text early last week. I was polite I thanked her for her concern as misplaced as it was. I explained that she has known my son for a very brief time and that we have ongoing issues. To which she said that she did not know the whole story and that it was none of her business.

The tonight I get this on my phone.

Hi. I’ve been waiting to text u to figure out the words to say. I don’t want to offend you or upset you. But I took brooke to see E today. He seems ok but he has been beat up. And jail tends to cause depression issues. And ptsd. And drugs are easy to come by and needed to fight depression. I’m don’t think it’s the best place for him. Again I won’t sign him out. Well I can’t. It’s a conflict of interest for me. I’m not sure what outcome will come out of him “doing dead time”. Which is what this time is called. I just don’t think this is solving any problem. You aren’t getting you money back. And he is sitting paying a higher consequence then the court will give him if he gets found guilty. And either way no money back for you. Pleading guilty is the only way out for him and if he does that the drug charges alone will keep him from getting a job or travelling and it’s an adult record that won’t go away. So he will need s lawyer. To which he can’t afford. Duty counsel will plead him guilty and be done with it. I’m sorry I have said too much. I just think he’s a good kid who has made some bad choices recently and if given the chance will make it right. I get. A good vibe from. Him. I’m sorry If I offended you.

WTF!!!!
First, yup now you have offended me.

Second, who takes their 16 year old to see a boyfriend of leas than a month to Super Max 35 min away for a visit!

Third, the drugs are needed?! Hell no.

Fourth, he has a lawyer. She is a legal aid appointed lawyer and you know what, That’s right i am not paying for a lawyer. Nor am I going to drop the fraud charges or bail my son out. He had breach and possession charges as well as his precious 3 unresolved charges to face as well. Not my Circus!!
Fifth; It’s not a conflict of interest for her to bail him out! It is against the law for me to bail him out (not that I would have anyway), as we are the victims of his crimes.
So no jail is not the best place for him. I didn’t put him there. He put himself there. And if he wasn’t in such a predicament he wouldn’t need bail. He would be able to be released on his own recognizance!
Sixth. Ummm dead time?? I don’t think so. For every day iemand he gets 1 1/2 to 2 days shaved off his sentence.
Seventh. How the does she know what his sentence will be....what an absolute ass. Even his lawyer doesn’t know!! The Crown hasn’t made rheir offer of a deal as of yet. His lawyer said all in he is looking at a min of 4 years. Of course that will be reduced during the horse trading.

Eighth he has choices. He could ask to go to rehab. It’s better than jail!

Nine. We don’t give a about the money.
Not even close.

Ten. Re getting beat up that is nothing more than manipulating at its best. I know my son. AMD ifnhe was beat up that tears my stomach out, but jail is not a pleasant place.

11 he will need a lawyer?! He has a lawyer.

And her last statement, enough. He is a great kid. I love him to the ends of the earth. He didn’t break a widow! He is in Jail because he was making things right and continued to use drugs and STEAL!!! How’s that for making things right.

Honestly you think a police officer would have more street smarts than that. Ugh!!! Just Ughhhh.

WTF is wrong with people. Now I am a frazzled nerve of self doubt.

 

[ColleenB]

LBL,

That’s brutal. Only knowing a small part of his story she is making lots of assumptions that are based on half truths. I’m sorry she doesn’t see this. I used to work at a group home for teens until this year and there were times I wondered how a parent could let their child leave and live in such a place. That was when I didn’t realize how dang manipulative these kids can be and how they can twist truth to look like they are the victims. It didn’t take me long to figure it out and find compassion for the parents instead of judgment.

Don’t let her words deter you. I know you love your son and you have gone to the ends of the earth to help him. He did choose this. Not you.

Hear you on the sleep front. I wonder what it’s like to sleep through the night??? It’s been years since I could count on a restful night.

Xoxo

 

[BusynMember]

Your son and her daughter probably did not tell her all that he did. Ignore. You know you wanted him in rehab and he wouldnt go.

I am wondering if this mom didnt crumble under daughters pleas to text you, police officer or not. And in the U.S. its pretty dangerous for an adult your son's age to date a sixteen year old. And her young sixteen year old is dating someone older now in jail and she is okay with this. I dont know her back story, but THAT appalls me. in my opinion terrible parenting. She also seems to think drugs are okay if one is upset. She is an example of what is wrong in at least the Canadian justice system.

You dont need to answer her. Maybe one day she will invite your son into her house, a common mistake of the clueless. One parent invited Bart in after yelling at me and my meanness over the phone. Two weeks later she threw Bart out. She never apologized for her hurtful words, but I felt a grim satisfaction.

Take care.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

LBL,

Stay strong. This woman is butting into your business. You have every right to be angry.

You're doing the RIGHT thing. He will only learn if he is allowed to experience life on life's own terms.

This is your HP testing you and making you stronger. You are an inspiration LBL! Keep on keeping on!!

 

[Littleboylost]

Your son and her daughter probably did not tell her all that he did. Ignore. You know you wanted him in rehab and he wouldnt go.

I am wondering if this mom didnt crumble under daughters pleas to text you, police officer or not. And in the U.S. its pretty dangerous for an adult your son's age to date a sixteen year old. And her young sixteen year old is dating someone older now in jail and she is okay with this. I dont know her back story, but THAT appalls me. in my opinion terrible parenting. She also seems to think drugs are okay if one is upset. She is an example of what is wrong in at least the Canadian justice system.

You dont need to answer her. Maybe one day she will invite your son into her house, a common mistake of the clueless. One parent invited Bart in after yelling at me and my meanness over the phone. Two weeks later she threw Bart out. She never apologized for her hurtful words, but I felt a grim satisfaction.

Take care.

SWOT the night there were 4 squad cars and a Canine unit searching for my son who had done a runner and declared he was going to kill himself, he was in her house!! She was at work. The police knocked several times and her daughter NEVER ANSWERED!! She also knew my son was there. The police told her to either come home and open her door (as her daughter wouldn’t), have her daughter open the door, or they would get a warrant to break it down. What is wrong with some people!

My son is good at pulling the wool and putting on the charm. He has had several people feel for him and Take him in including 2 past GFs parents. He has never lasted more than 2-3 days before he is asked to leave.

I posted here so I wasn’t tempted to call and engage with this rediculous person.

It is not ileagal to date anyone 16 or older but duh! They have been together less than a month and officially dating for a WEEK! And yes any reasonable person would be running in the other direction as fast as humanly possible.

The comment on the drugs really pissed me off! There is a psychiatric nurse. Ther is an infirmary. There is NA. There is a pastor. Again choices! Second he has no canteen money and is a small fry nobody in a remand unit. No one is going to front him anything. He can’t barter for drugs. This is probably the cleanest he has been in 3 years.

Ugh just ugh!!!

 

[Littleboylost]

LBL,

That’s brutal. Only knowing a small part of his story she is making lots of assumptions that are based on half truths. I’m sorry she doesn’t see this. I used to work at a group home for teens until this year and there were times I wondered how a parent could let their child leave and live in such a place. That was when I didn’t realize how dang manipulative these kids can be and how they can twist truth to look like they are the victims. It didn’t take me long to figure it out and find compassion for the parents instead of judgment.

Don’t let her words deter you. I know you love your son and you have gone to the ends of the earth to help him. He did choose this. Not you.

Hear you on the sleep front. I wonder what it’s like to sleep through the night??? It’s been years since I could count on a restful night.

Xoxo

Thanks CB. As a seasoned police officer you would think she would know better.

 

[Albatross]

Maybe she is the worst, most clueless and unduly soft-bellied cop in all of Canada. Or maybe I am WAY too cynical...but... is it possible that Brooke snuck her mom’s phone to send that text? Possibly with son’s input? That text pushes all the mommy buttons.

 

[Littleboylost]

Maybe she is the worst, most clueless and unduly soft-bellied cop in all of Canada. Or maybe I am WAY too cynical...but... is it possible that Brooke snuck her mom’s phone to send that text? Possibly with son’s input? That text pushes all the mommy buttons.

I never thought of that. OMG!! However we did speak once and this does sound like her so I do believe you prior comments are correct.
Her first interference I thanked he for her concern and indicated she did not have the full picture. I stupidly thought that would have her back off.

 

[StillStanding]

I'm so sorry this happened. I find input from family to often be painful but a girlfriend's mom who barely know him - yikes!

If it were me, I'd use some of the techniques I've learned when receiving unwanted advice... no response at all or thank you for your concern. You certainly don't need to engage or explain yourself.

 

[so ready to live]

I agree with Albie. 1st thing that came to mind was that it might be the daughter but it doesn't matter once again. The world's full of people with opinions having never been in our shoes. I'm glad you posted instead of replying--no matter who it was the "none of my business, but.." burns me for you. Wagons circled Now.
We may need a thread on who can remember last sleeping through the night...I wish I could have hugged you at 1am, I was awake in Indiana. Hold tight, I believe you are doing the right thing.

 

[BusynMember]

This police officer mom is asking for more trouble than she can imagine by being so lenient with this daughter. Bringing her to jail??

Guess Im mean. I would have changed my daughters life forever for not letting the police inside. No car, no cell, no allowance, nothing....or leave. I called the cops on my daughter just for smoking pot in my house. I guess I am silly.

Maybe block Moms phone number. You dont need that.

 

[pasajes4]

Since this mother thinks so highly of your son, he can go live with her when he is released. He will turn his life around under their supportive care, and will undoubtedly sign up for the police academy to work with drug addicted teens. Geesh this woman must want to get fired from the police force for trying to coerce a victim of a crime to reverse criminal charges in order to release a criminal from jail.

 

[Sam3]

Hugs

You are doing the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life. Last month, putting him out held that title, and I would imagine you could say that throughout his drug odyssey.

All to keep him from a life of addiction and crime, incarceration or death.

Just know that when he’s in jail this woman wont be calling to tell you that the kids overdosed at her house.

She’s ignorant. Angels help addicts fight for life.

 

[Littleboylost]

Since this mother thinks so highly of your son, he can go live with her when he is released. He will turn his life around under their supportive care, and will undoubtedly sign up for the police academy to work with drug addicted teens. Geesh this woman must want to get fired from the police force for trying to coerce a victim of a crime to reverse criminal charges in order to release a criminal from jail.

Boom exactly Passa!

 

[DoneDad]

I don’t know about the laws in Canada but I’d report her to the DA (prosecutor) for interfering in the case.

 

[Copabanana]

i've said too much. (she said.)

well. yes.

he's a good kid. he's made some bad choices recently. if given a chance (some day) he (might decide) to make it right. i get a good vibe.

i agree. with the above qualifications.

the facts are these:

he is still in a drug addled state.

as far as we know he was taking a load of drugs and cannot yet have any tools or incentive to stop them.

there is no reason to hope at this point that he would do anything different to stop.

he has neutral parties to call to get through to you. like the friend who visited him. or his attorney. if they called you would listen.

but what has to be faced is unless he volunteers for residential drug treatment in lieu of prison he will return to the exact lifestyle he was pursuing. he is already an addict. his range of choices are to avail himself of treatment or not. over this you have no control.

this woman is stupid, intrusive and cruel.

let her bail him out. let her prevail on the courts. let his life be in her hands.

but you have done every single thing in any mother's power in the situations you have faced.

i am always in favor of leniency and compassion. if possible. but what would you do if you dropped charges and he overdosed with benzos or lean or the other stuff? you would be a dead mother walking.

this stupid woman is a non event. this happened to many of us. a version of it. to me. many times. largely before i came to the board.

i would tell you if i thought there was another course. with what i know there is no other course i see. that may change tomorrow. who knows? but now. no.

i am sorry.

 

[New Leaf]

ALL ABOARD THE MANIPULATION TRAIN! FREE TICKETS!
Omg LBL, REALLY?

This is for girlfriend's mom, if it even was her.......

I dont know her back story, but THAT appalls me

Me too, Swot. Nothing against your son LBL, but at this point, in this state of mind.....errrrrr....no.

My son is good at pulling the wool and putting on the charm.

My d cs as well. Dupers delight. They know how to reel people in. Paint the picture of a tortured upbringing, horrible parents.........if only the duped knew the true story.

is it possible that Brooke snuck her mom’s phone to send that text?

Albie, I was thinking the same thing on my walk, was it even the mom?
If it was, she has certainly crossed an ethical line, and, how about her duty and boundaries as a police officer? I’m not so sure how her bosses would feel about this. If you removed the relation part, would she as an officer be contacting victims on the criminals behalf?
Things that make you go hmmmmmm.
I’m sorry LBL, on top of everything thing else, you had to deal with this nonsense.
The nerve of some people.
Stay strong!
(Hugs)
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

i agree about the potential illegality of this woman's behavior. a peace officer prevailing upon a crime victim? actually the police do that here because we have crowded jails and a huge homeless drug addict population. they subtly urge those reporting "minor" burglaries or breaking and entering towards leniency.

but this? this is felony theft. identity fraud. which is really not the issue. the issue is your son's well being, moral maturity. his life itself. and your moral guidance and legitimacy. oh yes. we still have that responsibility. which every step of the way you have exemplified.

and her? give me a break.

and she is doing it for some perverted self interest.

honestly. i would want to report her. but i would not. it would come back and bite you wth your son. she would manipulate it so that she would be your victim. and your son would be hurt. and so would you.

i would request that she kindly not contact you again. and then i would block her. (in the off chance it was her daughter who sent the message, she would be alerted.) there is nothing to be gained, i think, with any interaction with her. and i would not subject myself to her toxicity.

she talked down to you and she disrespected you. i could say lots about her but she is not worth it.

 

[Littleboylost]

i agree about the potential illegality of this woman's behavior. a peace officer prevailing upon a crime victim? actually the police do that here because we have crowded jails and a huge homeless drug addict population. they subtly urge those reporting "minor" burglaries or breaking and entering towards leniency.

but this? this is felony theft. identity fraud.

and she is doing it for some perverted self interest.

honestly. i would want to report her. but i would not. it would come back and bite you wth your son. she would manipulate it so that she would be your victim. and your son would be hurt. and so would you.

i would request that she kindly not contact you again. and then i would block her. (in the off chance it was her daughter who sent the message, she would be alerted.) there is nothing to be gained, i think, with any interaction with her. and i would not subject myself to her toxicity.

she talked down to you and she disrespected you. i could say lots about her but she is not worth it.

I did exactly this today Copa. It makes me feel good to know my stance and actions are supported with this insult to my plan to help and not enable our son.