as someone said about leading a horse to water....

[DDD]

Once again, it is your choice for your life.

on the other hand, I do not see the situation the way you do. Even if it were
my husband of thirty years...I still would not only "allow" him to make those choices, I would "encourage" him to follow his own
instincts. His children deserve to have him available without
worrying about anything else.

I have three steps. One would always want me there if at all
possible...which is very rare. One also "loves" me and is happy
when I join his Dad visiting. The third one (the oldest) would
be fine if she never saw me again but treats me with courtesy
when we are together.........very very very rarely.

They had their Dad first and have shared many years with him
before their Mom found a new SO. I am not privy to the little
wonderful memories from early childhood that are part of their
being. Likewise, my children and I fondly recall so many years
of sharing long before I met husband.

Personally I think it is OK to have more than one "best friend"
so long as your current "best friend" is valued appropriately.
husband and I shared middle age as a unit and we are sharing old age
as a unit. The kids aren't (lucky for them) part of those more
stressful years. on the other hand it is music to my ears when I hear them
giggling talking to their Dad. It makes them all feel young again. DDD

 

[saving grace]

Janet, the fact that they are purposly not including you is rude, if there were 5 times you were included then one time they wanted to be alone I could understand.

why would you want to insist they include you, If it were me I wouldnt want to be anywhere near them if they didnt want me around. On the other hand I would not like that boyfriend thinks its ok and kept it from you.

A better response from him would be that you are a part of his life and they can either accept it or not, and he shouldnt go if they say you are not accepted.

This is a very sticky situation, especially since its Mothers Day weekend and he is a father, I wonder if they are doing this on purpose???

Grace

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I'm going to have to go with DDD on this one.

I tried typing up my thoughts a couple times, but could not get the wording right. Those girls DO deserve time alone with their father. You get him all the time. They live 5 hours away. I know that this about your feelings, which are raw right now, considering everything you have been going through. Maybe, this would not be affecting you so much if you had NOT just gone through the ordeal with Ant. But if these girls are spoiled, and don't want you around, perhaps it is better that you just let them have their time with their father, instead of insisting you be included. If they accept you, it will be in their time, not because you made them.

I'm sorry this is hard on you. Enjoy the peace this weekend. Hugs and prayers.

 

[PonyGirl]

I wonder what would happen if you planned a weekend getaway without him?! If he brought up some idea of something to do on the weekend and you just casually say, "Oh, I'm going on a trip without you that I planned 6 weeks ago but never said anything to you about."

:wink: :devil: :wink:

I just have to wonder, on which foot would the shoe then be on?!

So, there you have my mature input on the whole deal.

Peace

 

[AliceLee]

Janet, it is so frustrating. Seems they don't want any part of a good idea.

I know this is a blow for you...we get our hopes up so high (we're cautious, but still, we hope) when they are doing well. Then they pull the rug out from under themselves.

Try to keep remembering that it's not your choice, not your life...Keep your own life on track. Not easy, but you can do it.

You are such an inspiration to me and many others...hang in there.

 

[Stella Johnson]

Sorry to hear Ant wants to live in the ghetto. I am sure it is heartbreaking to see him going down this road again. Is he seeing Kaleb?

As far as the boyfriend, I wouldnt put up with it. I don't exclude my SO from anything family related and he doesn't do that to me either. He's Jewish and he even comes to spend Christmas with us.

The daughters need to grow up and unless he puts his foot down, nothing will change. Doesn't sound like he is willing to do this since he has done it in the past though.

I really think you should move on. He just doesn't seem ready to really commit. Just MHO.

Sorry things are so rough right now.

steph

 

[hearthope]

Bless your heart. All this with Ant and now boyfriend springs a trip he planned 6 wks ago and didn't mention it to you before.

I am sure he took you by surprise, especially since he told you back in oct. he wouldn't repeat the same thing again ( he did though!)

I would question his reasoning for not telling you about it 6 wks ago when it was planned.

I know this is going to sound harsh but, I don't understand how grown children could dictate what a parent does and who that parent does it with.

If mom is not showing up, it makes no sense to me why dad's girlfriend shouldn't be there.

I know this has made you question this relationship. I too, would question exactly what my role is if I am not including in family gatherings.

That's just my UN-healthy take on it, I have been taken advantage of one too many times in girlfriend\boyfriend game.

I always want to put all the cards on the table, What would you do 2 yrs from now if this same thing happened? Is he capable of giving you what you need to feel secure in a relationship?

Everyone's needs are different. What is right and normal for some feels scarey to others. It all depends on what paths we have traveled.

You know what you need ~ I would do some soul`searching and look at the whole picture

 

[judi]

Janet - I think you have to do what is okay for you. If you can continue with boyfriend with the situation the way it is, then stay. If not, then leaving might be better in the long run.

husband and I have been together 29 years now. We love each other but we are also independent of each other: we each have activities that we do on our own. For instance, I'm on the volunteer fire dept. Hubby has no interest, so I do this on my own. He likes classical music, I gag at this. So, he does that alone. (Occas I go along, but usually not).

As to Anthony, my difficult child is like that too: grew up in a very nice place with both parents and older brother working very hard. He doesn't have a job and mooches off of whomever at the moment. He has a child he doesn't see much and doesn't support. Like so many of our kids, who knows what the future holds?

 

[jbrain]

Hi,
my husband has 3 grown children from a previous marriage and they do accept me and accept his ex's SO. This is nice but if they wanted to spend time alone with him I would have no problem with that, especially if they wanted to go do something together that I had no interest in or wasn't comfortable with. I think what I would have a problem with is the secretiveness--but then my husband knows I wouldn't get mad at him. I think your boyfriend was scared to tell you til the last minute. I know it sounds like I am taking his side, it's just that I don't get why you have to be included in everything regarding his kids. I think it must be the way he goes about it....sorry you are hurting...
Jane

 

[rejectedmom]

Janet, I am married to my husband 36 years all our children are both of ours. My kids are all grown but they still want alone time with each of us. They go to lunch with me and take their fater to ball games or concerts. i don't get hurt. Neither does husband. In fact I think it is nice. family gatherings are so hectic that there is little one on one. in my humble opinion An occasional night out or camping trip to catch up and just be together shouldn't be anything to be hurt over or jealous of. -RM

 

[Sunlight]

I think it is the secretness of cutting me out, it seems so sneaky for boyfriend to withhold info til the last few dys. he said he didnt tell me because it was planned so long ago, he forgot, and it was no big deal. I think he didnt tell me to have less days before the trip for me to have any input. still wrong. If I had known I could have planned something or other, maybe had Kaleb down.

Ant is not allowed to see Kaleb without me there as we agreed. If he tried to get him without me supervising the visit, I told him I would have the cops watch him and catch him drinking.

So,he hasnt seen him lately.

boyfriend's family is a solid nucleus. his sister is like a coparent to the girls, she has none of her own, never married. the girls do not want others included at all. only their aunt and her live in of 17 yrs and boyfriend. when I have been around them, they sit and play hours and hours of videos from the girl's childhoods. every visit. one night after 4 hours and I am not kidding....I was falling asleep and they got hurt that I could not keep my eyes open. they are stuck in the small world they made.

I do not care if I am with the girls. I just see more of an excluding pattern here in the past six months. it is like at first they had on "company behavior". now it has been they come here to visit monthly and they like to just see their mom or their dad and no one is allowed to go there now with the mom or dad. these girls are 24 and 28 and need to grow up. when their dad tried to go with a woman before me, he simply pointed her out to them in a church and they told him not to go with her. without even mtg her. so he dated her a bit but never let them meet one another. weird.


do I want this future? no. I am mulling it over. with him gone this weekend, I will think about it.

 

[KFld]

Yeah, I know I would have the biggest problem with him not telling me until last minute. He has every right to spend time with his girls, and they don't sound that enjoyable to be around anyway, but the not telling you weeks ago isn't right.

 

[Sunlight]

funny thing is boyfriend was married to a high school sweetheart for 24 yrs. she also was excluded when his sister was in town. boyfriend said his wife finally refused to be anywhere the sister was. I dont know.
then again, ant calls boyfriend like he is a big brother. boyfriend is much more patient and tolerant of ant than anyone I ever saw. even if I stop going with boyfriend he will still try to help ant.

boyfriend has been divorced 4 yrs I think. he still tries to help his ex brother in law every work day. he never gave up on the brother in law even after his own family threw him out and will not interact with him.

oh well, I am cooking a dinner for boyfriend tonight, he leaves in the morning for his trip. he has been extra kind and says from now on he will ask me and give me a choice when events come up. I have heard that before.

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I have heard that before. </div></div>

Yes, you have.

Janet, what he's doing wouldn't bother me because I am more independent than you- we've talked about it as you know. It doesn't make me right and you wrong, we are just different.

I don't think boyfriend is going to change (this pretty much proves it since he said the same thing the last time) so the bottom line question is, are you going to be able to accept this or not?

If you can accept it, then I would urge you to do whatever self-talk you need to do to not take it personally and then don't stew when it happens.

If you can't accept it- and he's pretty much proven that it will continue whether you like it or not (although I don't think he means to hurt you), then I truly think it is time for you to move on.

Lots to think about this weekend.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[donna723]

Janet, is this not the EXACT same thing he did to you before? And is this not the EXACT same thing that you had all the big discussions about before when he promised that he wouldn't let it happen again? I don't blame you for being upset. And you're right - it's the sneakiness, doing it behind your back ... AGAIN! These girls may occasionally need some time alone with their dad, but they are NOT children, they're two adults who are manipulating and guilt-tripping their father into making him choose to purposely exclude you, and he's allowing them do it - AGAIN! They don't have to throw rose petals in your path but they should realize that their father has a right to his own life and that if he is part of a couple, they should accept you and be gracious to you, for their fathers sake. Instead, they are controlling him and he is allowing them to do it - AGAIN!

The ADULT way for them to have handled this, if they were planning a trip that you might not enjoy (like hiking or mountain climbing or Grizzly bear wrestling) would have been to tell you what the plans were and then let YOU decide if you wanted to go with them or not - a trip to the mountains can be lovely, even if you choose not to participate in the bear wrestling and the rattlesnake roundups! Unfortunately, these "girls" are not behaving on an adult level. Their whole aim here is to exclude you and come between you and their father - and they've succeeded - again!

He did it before, said he wouldn't do it to you again, and now he has. I think it's time for you to realize that, no matter what he promises, he will ALWAYS put his daughters before you. He will ALWAYS allow them to control and manipulate him, and you will ALWAYS be in second place with him and a non-person to his "children". You will have to accept it that this is not going to change and you will have to decide if you can live with that or not. Personally, I could NOT, but it is your decision to make. I just hate to see you getting hurt over and over again and thinking that maybe this time it will be different. You deserve a lot better than this. Sending lots of (((hugs))).

:flower:

 

[KFld]

He probably doesn't really need to explain why he would want to spend time alone with his children, but he needs to understand that he should have enough respect to just tell you when he finds out that he's going and not wait until last minute like he's hiding something. I would tell him that is all you ask, that he lets you know so you can plan your time accordingly while he's gone.

 

[Sunlight]

Donna you hit it on the button. my older sis married for the second time a man with three kids. only the older daughter was resentful. this girl made my sister's life miserable their entire marriage til he died. he never put a stop to it and could have. I want this to stop and will not spend yrs like my sister did.

boyfriend's one older daughter is the master mind. she is controlling, no boyfriend and runs her lil sister and dad to the ground.

I truly can be independent, that is not the problem. I have plans to go out to dinner tonight with a neighbor. thing is, I want to matter. I want to be a factor, I do not want to be a ghost. I feel nothing for him at all today and havent since sunday when I realized I was not important to his plans.

I do like to have a man in my life, but I want one who I can trust, who puts me first. It is not like he wouldnt see this daughter, she has already informed us she is coming next friday and wants to be taken out to dinner then. I do not need the aggravation.

 

[KFld]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: ant'smom</div><div class="ubbcode-body">thing is, I want to matter. I want to be a factor, I do not want to be a ghost.
I do like to have a man in my life, but I want one who I can trust, who puts me first. </div></div>

And that is what you deserve. You need to let him know this and if he can't give you that, then he needs to hit the road.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Yikes, I did not realize those girls were so grown.
Yeah, Donna pretty much nailed it. He needs to show you exactly as much respect as he shows those girls. It needs to be a two way street.
I certainly hope you enjoy yourself this weekend. Maybe do some soul-searching.

Hugs.

 

[DDD]

Absolutely the decision has to be yours based on your needs. on the other hand I think that perhaps since you and SO broke up, lived in
separate houses and discussed your relationship as if it were
over. Reuniting on a tentative basis would not lend itself to
the girls feeling that you must be included in the get together.
The hours and hours of old home movies may be their way to connect emotionally. My husband has watched "my" family films once.
I could watch them for multiple hours because each time I would
see some little detail that I had not cued in on before. All alone (which obviously only happens a few times every few years!)
I would "see" that Grandma was wearing her favorite shoes or the
china on the table was long gone but fondly remembered. Vainly, I get a kick out of seeing myself in my early twenties managing
three children, a dog, a husband and entertaining family that is
now long gone.

I won't post again on this thread because I don't want to sound
critical. I'm not. It's just that my perspective is so very
different that I can relate to how "his" family "might" feel.

by the way, this summer husband, easy child/difficult child, difficult child and I are going to a "family
reunion" at my stepdaughters house. We will spend two days out
of town and I'm sure we will have a nice time. As we leave to
head home again I know I will finally exhale. husband will exhale
even more deeply because spending that much time with his Ex and
her difficult child-husband is going to be stressful. Blended families are very
darn complicated..LOL. DDD