Aspergers young adult disrespectful to parent

[gardengirl1958]

I am this way too. I do not have Aspergers as far as I know. In my case, I feel it is a personal choice and a value. But at the same time I fear the world. And I withdraw. After my mother died a little over 2 years ago I left the house only to shop maybe once a week.
Some of us do work on the Family of Origin threads. If you do a search under FOO, Family of Orgin, you will find older threads. The first one I participated in started in April or May (I think May). Then we started our own Forum in the summer. (There are 2 threads apart from the forum.)

Why not join us now. Just look for family of origin in the forum list.

You will find our yearnings for a loving family and our suffering for the lack of it.

You are not alone in any of what you are going through. None of it

In my experience, responding appropriately to my son was made extremely much harder because it resonated with my pain as a child. I distorted my experience with my son, viewing it through the lens of myself as a child with my family. I accused myself as a bad mother. When it had not been the case. I was criticized by others, too. I understand this pain.

Some of what you read will resonant, I believe.

I am glad you are here. I am glad I am too.

Keep posting.

Your goals are admirable and necessary. I applaud you. I hope that posting gives you strength, resolution and direction as it has me.

COPA

Thank you, Copa!

 

[Childofmine]

Garden Girl, welcome to the forum. I am just catching up on your thread after being away from the board for a few days on a trip.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. There is so much hope in your story.

I don't have any experience with autism or the spectrum personally so I don't want to wade in with specific advice.

You sound like you have done so much not only for your son but for yourselves---you and your husband. What a gift that you found each other, and have the kind of goals you have to give to others. You are a true resource, it sounds like, and I am sure the support group you are starting will be a gift to many.

We can be a sounding board here, and you have gotten lots of good thinking and advice and support already on this thread.

Please keep sharing and know that you can take any of our thoughts and ideas that you like, but leave the rest if they don't work or apply to your situation. We respect each other here, and we know we can't know a full story through our posts.

One thing I have learned: We can only give so much. We are only human, and we can become completely depleted and exhausted trying to prop up another person. It sounds like your efforts to help your son have been rewarded with a lot of functionality in him, and that is wonderful, but....what about you? If you are at the end of a rope, then that is valid too.

The fact that you posted here...now...may not be a coincidence, and perhaps it IS time for a change so you can have more rest and peace.

I understand that would be a hard decision to make and one that you will go slowly on.

Please know what we understand here, and we care. Our intent is good to a person I believe, and you can rest here with us.

Again, welcome! I hope you keep posting.

 

[gardengirl1958]

Garden Girl, welcome to the forum. I am just catching up on your thread after being away from the board for a few days on a trip.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. There is so much hope in your story.

I don't have any experience with autism or the spectrum personally so I don't want to wade in with specific advice.

You sound like you have done so much not only for your son but for yourselves---you and your husband. What a gift that you found each other, and have the kind of goals you have to give to others. You are a true resource, it sounds like, and I am sure the support group you are starting will be a gift to many.

We can be a sounding board here, and you have gotten lots of good thinking and advice and support already on this thread.

Please keep sharing and know that you can take any of our thoughts and ideas that you like, but leave the rest if they don't work or apply to your situation. We respect each other here, and we know we can't know a full story through our posts.

One thing I have learned: We can only give so much. We are only human, and we can become completely depleted and exhausted trying to prop up another person. It sounds like your efforts to help your son have been rewarded with a lot of functionality in him, and that is wonderful, but....what about you? If you are at the end of a rope, then that is valid too.

The fact that you posted here...now...may not be a coincidence, and perhaps it IS time for a change so you can have more rest and peace.

I understand that would be a hard decision to make and one that you will go slowly on.

Please know what we understand here, and we care. Our intent is good to a person I believe, and you can rest here with us.

Again, welcome! I hope you keep posting.

Thank you so much! I have been completely overwhelmed by the positive flood of response here. In fact, it has caused me to relax again and think creatively about my situation. I've had private messages as well. I wish I had found this group 10 years ago! I would have avoided so many disasters!

Because of the posts, I did something that has already inspired tremendous change. My son loves to write. And he now respects deadlines. So as an infraction (not really - my way of explaining consequences and encouraging emotional responsibility), I had him write an easy to be handed in to me in 24 hours about how he can best handle his fears without striking out at others. (College is back in session. The reason for the short deadline.)

Wow! What a BREAKTHROUGH! He devised a method for himself to follow when he feels anxious or agitated to identify the fear, compare it to past experiences, determine if it's valid, and then come voice it to my husband or me if it feels like he feels he's getting overwhelmed and agitated and needs help.

He had well organized his method and procedure ( as a mom this was equally a relief and kind of amusing with his terminology as a scientists). He turned this into a scientific process. Then, it made sense to him and now he has a plan for each fear episode to attempt to defuse some of his anger at me. (He took responsibility for it.)

When the forum responded to me as they did, it helped me to see I was not so "off" and they encouraged me to relax. They gave me courage to trust my gut and pick my battles. The anger needed to be battled but in a creative way - a path suited for my son. This was an amazing experience!

Thank you, forum! I am blown away by your compassion and kindness and generosity. We start the support group this Friday (our formative meeting). I am really excited and nervous. We have four adult s on our leadership panel of Aspie young men with different levels of experience and all with a desire to help our sons and others. We will have folks coming to this group from several counties. I am absolutely certain, I will be asking this forum for advice. We hope that some of these young men will want to take leadership roles

Thank you so much for creating a place like this to help people have hope. Hope gives life! I am grateful to God for all of you. You have no idea what an answer to prayer you are to me.

 

[gardengirl1958]

Copa, I would like to ask a question on the Family of Origin thread. How do I do this? I seem to have problems navigating.

 

[needpaperbag]

Can anyone help me? I'm desperate! My son is a high functioning Aspie as well as my husband and me. He is 21, lives at home, and is paying his way through college with his 4,0 gpa. He is a loner, abides by rules, is a model student, and general all around quiet and nice guy. We love him dearly. We didn't know he had Aspergers until he was 15. In later years we also found out about my husband and then me. It was such a relief to finally have a handle for all that we'd been going through. When my happy but challenged son turned 12, it was like someone sneaked into my home and traded my kid for this negative, disrespectful, self absorbed, argumentative person who now lives here. He is not physically aggressive, but gets annoyed easily. He will argue his own perspective to exhaustion. He never remembers chores and barely seems to be aware that life exists outside of his bedroom. We "invade" his space to try to communicate with him, which annoys him considerably. He has better days and worse days. Yes, moody deffinatly and neither we not he knows what's at the root. He never seems to be able to know if he's sick or having a problem. Since childhood, he can't seem to be able to identify our verbalize that he's sick, angry, or what emotion he's feeling. So trying to nail this down is difficult at best. He doesn't think he's disrespectful and says he never means to hurt us or cause trouble - and most of the time it's believable because he is not a liar. They told me the depression and moodiness would happen with the teen years in an Aspergers boy, but when does it lift? He is not rude nor disrespectful to others, not even his dad mostly just me. I am his "care giver", was his homeschool teacher, and his confident. I have read and learned every technique I can get my hands on but nothing works to get through to him. I figured it must be me, so I learned to keep my conversation short, talk in gentle tones, quiet the house, and try to keep a regular routine. When it comes to school, he never forgets an assignment or class. He works hard to please his teachers and they all say, "I would never have believed he has Aspergers. He's he best student we have". My husband and I are the duck feet beneath the water holding him up. We paddle hard to keep him going. He works very, very hard for his scholarship. He's no slouch with that. When he was tested, they told me that I had taught him so many coping skills, they couldn't detect his Aspergers until they gave him the written portion. Then they apologized to me. In all of this, he can't tell you his left from his right, he can't "feel" time, he struggles with driving because people don't obey his rules, he struggles to remember to eat, shower, brush his teeth, etc. No matter what we institute to help him, he can only remember to do what he loves to do. I worry for his future. Most especially because he is so difficult to live with. It is an exhausting chore to get him out of his room to engage with my husband and me. He resents every attempt we make but takes it all out on me. My husband and I are all he has as family. I worry for him that he matured to a point and then stopped. I am so, so, so exhausted of his verbal and attitude abuse of me. I am his pain in the neck because I'm the one who cares enough to try to get him involved with us, to eat, to wash, to do chores, to drive safely. He would live in his room and never come out except to go to school if I let him. He has hardly any need for companionship. We miss him. We worry for him. It's not getting better and I'm worried he's going to abuse others by teaching himself to abuse me by his attitude and the way he talks to me. I'm worried that he won't be able to keep a job. We have a small family business and lost out main source of income a year ago. I don't have money for counseling. Can you help me at all? Is there any hope? Thank you!

Can anyone help me? I'm desperate! My son is a high functioning Aspie as well as my husband and me. He is 21, lives at home, and is paying his way through college with his 4,0 gpa. He is a loner, abides by rules, is a model student, and general all around quiet and nice guy. We love him dearly. We didn't know he had Aspergers until he was 15. In later years we also found out about my husband and then me. It was such a relief to finally have a handle for all that we'd been going through. When my happy but challenged son turned 12, it was like someone sneaked into my home and traded my kid for this negative, disrespectful, self absorbed, argumentative person who now lives here. He is not physically aggressive, but gets annoyed easily. He will argue his own perspective to exhaustion. He never remembers chores and barely seems to be aware that life exists outside of his bedroom. We "invade" his space to try to communicate with him, which annoys him considerably. He has better days and worse days. Yes, moody deffinatly and neither we not he knows what's at the root. He never seems to be able to know if he's sick or having a problem. Since childhood, he can't seem to be able to identify our verbalize that he's sick, angry, or what emotion he's feeling. So trying to nail this down is difficult at best. He doesn't think he's disrespectful and says he never means to hurt us or cause trouble - and most of the time it's believable because he is not a liar. They told me the depression and moodiness would happen with the teen years in an Aspergers boy, but when does it lift? He is not rude nor disrespectful to others, not even his dad mostly just me. I am his "care giver", was his homeschool teacher, and his confident. I have read and learned every technique I can get my hands on but nothing works to get through to him. I figured it must be me, so I learned to keep my conversation short, talk in gentle tones, quiet the house, and try to keep a regular routine. When it comes to school, he never forgets an assignment or class. He works hard to please his teachers and they all say, "I would never have believed he has Aspergers. He's he best student we have". My husband and I are the duck feet beneath the water holding him up. We paddle hard to keep him going. He works very, very hard for his scholarship. He's no slouch with that. When he was tested, they told me that I had taught him so many coping skills, they couldn't detect his Aspergers until they gave him the written portion. Then they apologized to me. In all of this, he can't tell you his left from his right, he can't "feel" time, he struggles with driving because people don't obey his rules, he struggles to remember to eat, shower, brush his teeth, etc. No matter what we institute to help him, he can only remember to do what he loves to do. I worry for his future. Most especially because he is so difficult to live with. It is an exhausting chore to get him out of his room to engage with my husband and me. He resents every attempt we make but takes it all out on me. My husband and I are all he has as family. I worry for him that he matured to a point and then stopped. I am so, so, so exhausted of his verbal and attitude abuse of me. I am his pain in the neck because I'm the one who cares enough to try to get him involved with us, to eat, to wash, to do chores, to drive safely. He would live in his room and never come out except to go to school if I let him. He has hardly any need for companionship. We miss him. We worry for him. It's not getting better and I'm worried he's going to abuse others by teaching himself to abuse me by his attitude and the way he talks to me. I'm worried that he won't be able to keep a job. We have a small family business and lost out main source of income a year ago. I don't have money for counseling. Can you help me at all? Is there any hope? Thank you!

 

[GoingNorth]

High-Functioning Autism (HFA) (high functioning autistic) kids tend to learn their behaviors with adults from the behaviors of adults around they interact with.

IOTW, if you raise your voice to an High-Functioning Autism (HFA) child, they will raise their voice when speaking to you. They don't pick up on the "respect due to age" that NT kids do.

My mother (also an Aspie) still laughs about the number of times she told me something was for "grown ups" and my response was, "Why?" I really didn't understand the distinction at all.

So, with a High-Functioning Autism (HFA) kiddo, you really have to model the respect to them, that you hope to receive from them.

Yelling at or hitting a High-Functioning Autism (HFA) child is hopeless, unless you want a child that yells at and hits you, because in the child's eyes,your behavior has shown him that that is the right way to respond to that given situation.

Trust me on this. At nearly 56, and diagnosed "autistic" in my 40s, I am STILL learning how to be "human". The big thing is that most human interactions require conscious thought from me.

Many, that I learned as an infant or toddler have become ingrained and are now automatic.

Some reactions confuse me and I have trouble reading facial expressions in humans, but excel at reading voices. (Hence, spent most of my career not far from a phone if not actually under a headset.) Also, my body language stinks, and I have what the psychiatric folks refer to as a "flat affect" other than using gestures when talking. I have very little facial expression when speaking.

Autism runs rampant through the maternal side of my family and bipolar through the paternal side. I happened to luck out and both sides peed in my gene pool.

My "oh look, we've got another one" was noticed in infancy and my mother had a lot of support in raising me as an infant and toddler. I was in sped when I started school, but skimmed off in 1st grade to attend a special program for gifted children that I remained until we moved when I was in 6th grade.

I didn't have much trouble at the program at the new school as there were 8 students with 2 teachers, and I think I was the least autistic kid in the class and ran around "mother-henning" the other students as I was the only hyperlexic in the class and a few of the kids had trouble with speech and reading.

Fascinating education though. I'll lay odds I'm the only American-born individual in Milwaukee-metro who can not only catch a salmon with a Netsilik Eskimo fishing spear, but can make the spear. (Provided someone kills the caribou for me so I can carve the tines of the spear for its bones, and use its sinews and blood to glue the whole thing together.

Also, boys raised by single-moms hit a difficult stage in their teens where they become hormonally primed to challenge the alpha male for pack leadership. This usually ends after a few years with the teen submitting and forming new, more adult bond with the senior male.

Unfortunately, with only the mother there, the drives are turned onto the mother, which leads to a lot of ugliness because the mother isn't wired to fulfil this particular need in the child, and because the child isn't getting that need met.

Something that can really help is to find a male mentor for the child (especially helpful with High-Functioning Autism (HFA) boys). BOYs and Girls' Clubs are a good source. Many religious organizations have mentoring programs. If you are not comfortable with religion, many park districts and the YMCA offer programs for teen boys.

You're not looking for someone to "beat a little sense" into the kid. You are looking for someone who can do a "us men" thing with the kid, while modeling proper male behavior in society.

I had the female version, called a Big Sister for a few years and she was quite helpful, especially when it came to dragging me out in society and subtly teaching me how to behave in public, especially when I'd much rather have my face in the 60s version of videogames: a BOOK!

It helped me, and i had a father in-house. But, he worked a lot of hours and he treated me more as if I were the son he never had.

My Big Sister treated me as I were a girl. Which taught me a new social game to play, though as a teen, I made the decision that being girly wasn't for me. I can still clean up nice if I have to.

She also taught me how to talk to men in authority which came very much in handy years later when I hit the job scene, and how to talk to boys about "dating and that sort of thing", which stood me in good stead during my dating years.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hi, needpaperbag. Welcome to our world.

You will get more responses by starting your own thread. Feel free to just copy what you posted here.

You might want to join some of us over on "Failure to Thrive" - where we are the parents of teen and adult children with complex developmental and mental health challenges...

I understand about the paper bag. Sometimes need one myself - just helps now that mine isn't in school.

 

[gardengirl1958]

Hello, As I read this it brings me to tears. My son is 15 and sounds like a mirror image of your boy. I am only now, due to his heightened behaviour, realising he has Aspergers. I do not have an official diagnosis. He is seeing a psychologist who suggests he is, and the penny has finally dropped for me. He was diagnosed with Dyslexia when he was 9 years old and was described as a 'spiky kid', who is really strong in some areas and really weak in others. He has very slow processing. He is obsessive about rapping and drawing. I have single parented Tom since he was 1 year old and have always thought he is a creative, 'out of the box', bit different, tricky, unusual kid, etc, etc... I have always been very open to difference. But, here we are in the teen years, he is verbally abusive to me on a daily basis. He is quiet and intelligent at school and hangs with the 'nerdy' crowd. Come christmas holidays he is happy to stay in his room and draw all day long. Doesn't seem to matter if he sees friends or not. He is in trouble at school for the first time and I am off to speak to the principal today. He has posted a picture of one of the teachers on facebook. It's not abusive, just funny (apparently) and it has taken me a while to impress upon him the idea of privacy and while he might find the content innocuous it is still not O.K. to take someone's photo and put it online. It took a while because he wanted me to admit I found it funny rather than address the action. During the conversation I suggested that while it might be funny to put a moustache on the Mona Lisa it is still not an O.K. thing to do. This upset him enormously, "No, no, no,no, no, no' he cried - that is just not funny! So I still have not mastered the art of having my son understand the consequences of his actions and am trying to work out a way to impress upon him that swearing at me is not O.K. Anyway, I'm ranting now and really just wanted to say it sounds like my son is a lot like your son and I hope their strengths and talents are recognised and they go on to do the things that give them the most joy and have good people around them who appreciate their individuality.

Needpaperbag,
My heart goes out to you! Even today, we were discussing attitude issues. Addressing a comment below, my husband and I both parent our son, and you would think that would make all the difference, but my husband was passive and so my son learned early to constantly challenge me. I think I am perceived as his peer, which always confounds me. I am a very vocal and firm mom, but also very fair and compassionate. He comes to me about many of his issues, I am his sounding board, but I am also the recipient of all of his frustrations - and they are many.

This week, out of desperation, we started something new. Because he can't seem to "hear" how he sounds to me (how he comes across) I have institute a "must write" his feelings and perceptions in the morning and when things go south between us. The plan is, we are trying to help him identify what He is feeling and perceiving and help him to learn how to address it more successfully. For example, he shared with me frustrations, fears, doubts, etc. that he does not know how to identify, take responsibility for, or react appropriately. We realized that at the root is the same old problem. He doesn't know WHAT he's feeling so he just feels "bad" and his frustration gets taken out on me - not on his dad and no one else - just me. I truly believe this is because we HAVE a relationship and he feels safe to be like that with me. I have repeatedly explained how damaging it is to continually treat anyone like this and he's teaching himself how to abuse at least women.

So, with his agreement, we started this "must write" project as a productive consequence to abusing me. Our concern is that he won't be able to keep a job or do well in a long term relationship if he can't identify or manage his own feelings. (Take responsibility for his own emotions, etc.) He attempts to make his problems my fault because he can't manage it himself and somehow justifies that I am the problem. Seriously! He told me this! When he spoke it out, he realized how irrational it was without my prompting.

Fifteen is just plain old horrible with the challenges your son faces. It was horrible for us/my son. It's so incredibly hard to find a way to help our songs connect with others who would appreciate them, and to help them find an appropriate way to process it all. I think the key is, don't give up. Add much as his reactions probably just tear you up inside, my even tear at your own self-worth, he is really struggling badly and he is the child. They try to make us feel wrong and even stupid, but you really are the adult and really probably his life line.

An example to give you hope. My son, with high I.Q., and very articulate, thinks he knows EVERYTHING! Very little humility! So, he has already had a major episode with Aspergers Burnout last year at this time, and I worked super hard to help him through it. Sleep, diet, routine, etc., critical to his returning health. But this year, he got cocky! Again! And again, I'm an idiot. He went back to his obsessive behaviors and two days ago, he collapsed - again. So now, he needs our help, advice, etc. And now, he's having panic attacks because he's fearful of having a health episode again in public as e did before when they had to call an ambulance, right? So... my husband and I are saying the same things, nothing different, but now his collapse has his attention. This time, I'm not rescuing him. We are doing the same, consistent things as parents, loving, reminding, supporting, cautioning, providing as needed (he is a dependent while in college). He is really stressed right now. Wake up call! His body is telling him he's out of control, not me. Right? Who could ask for a better lesson? So now, he's presented with this opportunity to learn how to tune in to his body and his mind and listen, discern, and respond appropriately or be ill. He has everything he needs to be well. He has to take the steps now to do it. We'll support him, but now he realizes he needs help and can't do it all on his own. LOL! For the first time tonight, he thanked me for preparing a hearty super before he had to go to night class because today his blood sugar dropped badly. But here's the thing, I didn't do anything different than I have always done - you know?

I see it as a crack of light of hope. He is now asking us (in the past few days) how we cope with fear, low blood sugar, feeling sick in a public place. Because he became sick over the weekend, we had to cancel 2 planned activities and miss very needed work (we have a family business). He wouldn't have cared at all at 15, but this time he realized how much stress he put on everyone because he let his obsessing with video games and movies keep him from sleeping, eating, and exercise.

So at 15 - it can look very bleak. But at almost 22, maybe something's starting to nature a tiny bit in that brainiac head of my son's. Someone also below mentioned how they mimic wrong behaviors is us as parents. No amount of discipline worked on my son. NONE! Nothing! Zip! No rewards, punishment, good behavior charts, nothing. If I sent him to his room, he enjoyed it. Taking anything away gave him more time for his imaginary world. The traditional neuro typical punishments just don't work here. Honestly, I think he just didn't understand any of it at all.

So, ... you just keep asking God, keep praying, keep explaining, keep loving him for who he is... keep trying ways to connect. I found that I had to find ways to enter his "world" in a way that made it safe for me to enter. In other words, he was very guarded and still is of his imaginary place. But now, with practice, I can enter on occasions and he enjoys it. He loves role play stuff, even has me make costumes for him for the local Renaisance Fair (please excuse spelling).

I think much of this is the hardest thing.... patience.

One last thing. I heard this last year from a mom just like us. She told me that she learned that Aspergers boys are usually about 2/3 the maturity of their biological age. So my son would be about 14 emotionally right now and that makes perfect sense to me. In fact, I work with about 5 young men with Aspergers right now, and all 5 of them exhibit the same thing as my son. As they get older, they become aware of it and it frustrates them. They see others moving on with life, but they feel like they're standing still. They want the things most men want but they can't seem to get it. My heart goes out to them all. I have experienced this in my own life.

I apologize for being so long winded. I wish so badly I could fix this for you with the magic cure or suggestion, I understand how badly this must hurt you and worry you as it does me.

 

[InsaneCdn]

But at almost 22, maybe something's starting to nature a tiny bit in that brainiac head of my son's

She told me that she learned that Aspergers boys are usually about 2/3 the maturity of their biological age

GardemGirl,
I'm not so sure the "2/3rds of neurotypical age" maintains it's accuracy as they get older. Somewhere between 25 and 30 (closer to 25 for neurotypical males...) the maturity gap closes somewhat. Not perfectly, because non-neurotypicals like Aspies just don't end up in the same place as their peers. They ARE different. But they DO mature. It's just... an awful long road. (I'm not as far along as you, but farther than needpaperbag.)

 

[gardengirl1958]

From my experience, the guys around me are 21 - 56 with Aspergers and not one of them feels like they've matured or can take care of themselves on their own completely. Of the ones 21-35, none are married and they all want to be but feel they aren't mature enough to be married. This hurts them badly. I'm absolutely not saying that this is about every male with Aspergers. This has just been my experience. Of these guys none are in full-time positions and none have ended up working in the fields they are educated in (college educated) because they can't handle the stress. One is homeless. The rest live with their parents. These are very smart, handsome, witty, and talented guys. I enjoy being around them more then most people I know. From their conversations with me about their own desperation, I have started a support group. I don't have the answers. I just care because I have lived the same way as an Aspie woman. At 57, I'm only just beginning to understand life a little bit - enough to keep me out of depression and feeling now that I have value and purpose. By the way, I think in my first response I used the word "cure' at the end. I did not at all mean I wish I had a cure for Aspergers. I believe that Aspies are a gift to this world just as they are. I meant I wish I had an answer to "paperbag's" dilemma as I do mine. I wish I had the mysterious key to unlock the answers for all the frustrations Aspies struggle with so we could thrive in our gifts and thoroughly enjoy our lives moving freely and successfully in our purposes.

 

[InsaneCdn]

It's constantly a juggling act. There's so much work that goes into maintaining balance for all of us. I'm always wondering what I'm missing. What should I be doing to help us all? What can we handle? You know? In always guessing through this. But I now for sure, that our "okay" is uniquely ours and not what looks "normal" to other people. And I've had to guard it and not doubt. Really tough to do!

I know, right?

One of my big pet peeves is the phrase: "all you have to do is..."
Sorry, whatever the general experience is with any particular part of life, "all you have to do" will be something that is either extremely difficult or impossible for us, or if we attempt it, it won't turn out the way that it does for everybody else.

Do what you can. If possible, become really good at something - because "experts" get respect, even if they are different.

And in the mean time... keep juggling. It's easier to keep all the balls in the air, than to try to pick them all up when they fall.

 

[InsaneCdn]

@gardengirl1958 and @needpaperbag
You are welcome to also join us over on Failure to Thrive.
It's a new forum that we are developing, specifically for those of us dealing with developmental and mental health challenges in our teen and adult children.

 

[gardengirl1958]

I know, right?

One of my big pet peeves is the phrase: "all you have to do is..."
Sorry, whatever the general experience is with any particular part of life, "all you have to do" will be something that is either extremely difficult or impossible for us, or if we attempt it, it won't turn out the way that it does for everybody else.

Do what you can. If possible, become really good at something - because "experts" get respect, even if they are different.

And in the mean time... keep juggling. It's easier to keep all the balls in the air, than to try to pick them all up when they fall.

So true! Just had that experience this weekend-again! I'm so, so different from my extended family. They have ostracized my family from being part of the extended family at all. Out of the blue, a niece contacted me to be friends on Facebook. She honestly knew nothing (legitimate) about me. She only knew my siblings' wrong perspectives. No one had taken the time to get to know me but I took many years getting to know them. They call my family "freaks". As she talked to me, I realized that I could not say ANYTHING at all because they live so.... Um...... Materialistically? I don't have a word for it. Very "worldly" not with much thought to what they do or what they say, spending money on luxuries and fortunes in having perfect bodies. Very plastic. So my "freakishness" makes me so different that whatever I say, to them, it reinforces their perspectives. I am very organic and relationship oriented. I esteem authenticity and transparency. We have taken a lot of abuse from all of them so we long ago left their company (after we were excommunicated for being freaks).

Well, my family and I have finally built a nice life for us - filled with Aspies. And our "normal" really looks very early American with those kinds of values. We take rules and laws seriously and we live modestly because we have to always be compensating for our individual issue needs. We look to most of our Aspie friends as if we are a stable family. Seriously! Isn't that funny? Because of our "issues" we have to be very disciplined with our days. Unlike my extended family whatsoever.

Well........ her comments sent me into a tailspin this weekend reminding me of how unacceptable I always was in my childhood family. So, so damaging. For the whole weekend, I was wrestling with all those lies that attack my soul (I believe from Satan) and who I know myself to be today. (A person who has value and purpose.) So, as you said, I went out into my "places" where I excel and just started doing what I do well while I worked through the rejection of my extended family and my truth about myself. It occurred to me that my truth will never, ever be known in my family - not ever. The injustice was making me crazy. But there is no fighting that and what would be the point?

I agree Insane - do what you do best and enjoy your life for what it is.