At his lowest ebb.

[Nature]

Hi blackgnat,

I feel my story is similar to yours - my son once told me of an older fellow who befriended him was part of the Russian mafia, then another time it was Asian Triad member who was his new friend. Now he tells me he has friends who are Hells Angels. Not sure if mental illness/addictions makes them gullible or if it's their life styles but the fact that your son left I view as a positive thing. It breaks my heart that my son glorifies these types.

You are strong and Copacabana gave you some good advice. I hope I have the strength to follow through on that advice as well. Sending you hugs and sorry you are having to go through this.

 

[Childofmine]

BG, I remember well those awful phone calls. He could rip me apart in seconds with all of the negativity and dramatic claims of killing himself or whatever it was that particular day.

My therapist told me to stop giving him "advice". She said he's NOT going to take it, so why waste your breath? And I think she's right. But I kind of fall into the habit of it when he calls.

They already know everything we can say or want to say. We already said it, 100s of times. We ARE just wasting our breath and I also know that sometimes we just can't help ourselves. That's why I finally got to the point where I did the following:

1. Wrote down what I would say if he called, and I'd whip out my script and say nothing that wasn't written on the page. Without writing it down, I would get confused and stressed and I would start reacting (which is what he wanted) so I had to write it down and I had to stare at that page and say nothing that wasn't already on that page. It really worked.

2. Let the phone go to voice mail. I would set a boundary that I would accept one call every ________ days. I also would write that down and refer to it. If he called between those times, I didn't take the call. If I had a chance, I would inform him what the boundary was. We are still stressed...some...not taking the call, but not as much as when we take the call. And you know what? They will figure it out, whatever they were calling about. Our DCs are the most resourceful and resilient people on the planet!!!!!! They are survivors. One unanswered phone call is definitely not going to make or break them.

Having an ID means he can hound me for Western Union money (no) and buy liquor or weed (legal in CO) without having to ask anyone else to pick it up for him, because he has the right stuff to REALLY eff himself up...

Don't be hounded BG. You have control over that. Take back your power. Don't allow him and his ramblings to chart your course. He is definitely going to do whatever he is going to do, and it doesn't matter what you do or say. Let him go. Make yourself #1.

Hang in there! We are here for you.

 

[TheWalrus]

I also let it go to voicemail so I have an idea of what to expect and time to work through it a little, think about what I need/want to say, so I don't just react on emotion. I think a lot of times they like to startle us into those knee jerk, emotional responses.