At My Witt's End

[Overwhelmed1]

Honestly, I haven't thought about my return other than maybe they will he in there room. That's what I am hoping for.
My room is right off the living room and I have a full bath so I am good there. I do plan on putting my dresser in front of the door tonight just so he can't come and get in my face.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

I am so tired right now

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Called my neighbor and she told me my son and his girlfriend are outside working in the backyard.
I won't fall for it. They are still going to have to leave.
They are not going to play nice now thinking I will change my mind.
I made it this far and I am going to follow through.
On my way home and hopefully get some sleep.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being here for me.
Don't know where I would be without your support.
You are all a blessing from God.

 

[AppleCori]

So glad you are okay right now!

Please let us know how it went after you get home.

 

[Copabanana]

so he can't come and get in my face.

If he makes one move, trying to get into your room, yelling and threatening, threatening to destroy property or doing so, please call police and get a restraining order to get them out right away. They have free choice. They don't have to hurt you. They choose to.

If you don't call the police I would absolutely set a firm date to be out, and put it in writing, complying with the laws of your state. Know that if he threatens violence against you or your property, including barging into your room, (please make sure it's locked), you can and should call the police. That will give you the right to ask the DA for a restraining order and they will have to leave right away. (I would make sure to put the girlfriend in the complaint.)

 

[Overwhelmed1]

I am home and they were gone. I am in my room with drinks, snacks etc. Safe and sound.
I want you to all rest easy. I will call the police at the first sign of abuse.
I got this far and will not go backwards. This is my one shot at getting this issue with both kids resolved quickly.
I owe all of you my life literally....
I will never be able to say enough good about any of you and I will never stop trying to help others here. Even if I can give nothing more than a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear or encouragement.

I am going to sleep now.

God bless all of you

Peace and Love

 

[Copabanana]

I am in my room with drinks, snacks etc.

A slumber party! I don't know what time it is there but I would guess it's about 8 pm. Put some nice music on (the Violinist Yo Ya Ma, I think it was was on the news playing consoling music, that sounds about right. Or maybe something more upbeat. To celebrate. I am going to read right now, a Louis L'Amour western. Or you could do needlework, to music. Knitting does it for me. Have a nice night.

 

[AppleCori]

I’m glad you were able to get into the house without any problems!

Have a good night and check in tomorrow!

 

[WiseChoices]

OW1, you are a brave and courageous woman. I am glad you are ok, and taking the steps to take your life back. You are acting on your own behalf right now and it will go a long way towards you continuing to do that going forward in all areas of your life.

There are electronic Al-Anon meetings done on the phone and through various other electronic mediums. The Al-Anon website has the link for electronic meetings. It's something that is available right now while we are all social distancing.

I think it was a good decision to leave the house when your son acted belligerent. Have a good night!

 

[Deni D]

Honestly, I haven't thought about my return other than maybe they will he in there room. That's what I am hoping for.
My room is right off the living room and I have a full bath so I am good there. I do plan on putting my dresser in front of the door tonight just so he can't come and get in my face.

I am very concerned for you. Please contact your local domestic violence hot line when you get up tomorrow to discuss your situation with them. All it takes is one slip over the edge, you are not in a safe situation.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Up early, slept well, guess I was really exhausted yesterday.
It's very quiet except for the birds chirping. I have a nest right outside my bedroom window.
While it is quiet, I am going to get things done, laundry, bedroom cleaned, showered etc.
The sun hasn't come up yet so I have plenty of time before son and his girlfriend wake up.
I feel I need to stay away from any discussion with son today. I made my decision and it is final. I will not get in a confrontation with them. I will get the paperwork for eviction, or what ever it's called in my situation, prepared and given to them this week. That is all I have to communicate to them.
If, by chance, any confrontation is started by them, I will let them know they can go quietly or I can get the police involved, which I hope to avoid.
I'm feeling good this morning. A sense of relief and empowerment.
I am not scared, I am in control.

God thank you for answered prayers, for sending me Angels to console and guide me and giving me strength. God, you never left me. You have been here all along holding my hand and giving me strength. You have given me Your blessings to see this through. Now I pray for everyone here to receive the blessings and strength you are offering to them.
God Bless you all! (Amen)

Peace and Love

 

[Overwhelmed1]

I am in my room with drinks, snacks etc.

A slumber party! I don't know what time it is there but I would guess it's about 8 pm. Put some nice music on (the Violinist Yo Ya Ma, I think it was was on the news playing consoling music, that sounds about right. Or maybe something more upbeat. To celebrate. I am going to read right now, a Louis L'Amour western. Or you could do needlework, to music. Knitting does it for me. Have a nice night.

Copa a slumber party hahaha, thanks for the laugh. I can use many a good laugh.
This morning I found some good music, I like Yanni when I need calming.

 

[JayPee]

OW, I hope that you are ok and safe. Your situation is so volatile and I’m certain all of us on this site have been in this similar situation.

I remember one instance when my son was still living at home. He and husband at the time got into it. My son popped my husband and broke his nose. It was a horrible scene. We called police but my husband refused to let them in when they got there. He told me to tell them everything was fine.

This was probably 7 years ago now. So fast forward. This son has been living in his car off and on for 3 years. Still has anger issues, PTSD, ADHD and I believe but cannot be certain is working on alcohol addiction.

My point here is that what I’m learning is that the longer we hide the problem, squash it, pretty it up and ignore it, it will not go away.

The hardest thing we do in our part to change the situation is learning that it’s US who will likely need to make the changes to better the situation. Our adult kids will not ever likely be the ones to do that first. That’s where you need courage and I believe strength from God to do what you know you must.

Be careful, be safe and for once in your life put yourself first. The reality is this kind of dynamic will not likely get better soon. But take care of yourself because you can begin to heal once they are out of your house.

 

[Copabanana]

If, by chance, any confrontation is started by them, I will let them know they can go quietly or I can get the police involved, which I hope to avoid.

Congratulations OW. I am happy for you that you've taken control of your life and home. I have one bit of counsel. I would not confront them at all, which includes not advising them you will be calling the police. Your son will experience this as a threat. He will escalate. He will have the advantage if you notify him in advance that you will be getting backup. Especially backup that threatens to put him in jail. He will do whatever he can to stop you. I fear he will hurt you or terrorize you.

I agree. If there is any confrontation, threat, yelling, property damage, CALL THE POLICE immediately. But do this secretly. Do not tell them that you are going to do it. Just walk away, lock your bedroom door, and call 911. Don't tell your son or the girlfriend you're considering calling the police! Just do it.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Copa, I agree. I won't announce I will call the police. I'm hoping I won't need too.
Last night went well. My son did stand outside my closed bedroom door when they got home and told me what they had done in the backyard. I did not respond.
He said, YOUR WELCOME....
I have not heard them all day except just now.
Pizza delivery. Doorbell rang, they didn't go to the door so I went to there room and said your delivery is here. I went to the door and told the delivery guy they would be right there.
My son came out and said she couldn't grab the pizza?
Well hell, I'm not signing for it. And I am damn well not going to eat any of it.
This is one thing my son threw in my face yesterday before I walked out. "You don't realize how much it costs when we order out and get you something. You don't think about that, do you?"
Well I am thinking about it now.
I offered to buy chicken for everyone the other day and it became an issue. That won't happen again either.
Such petty stuff I write on here. SMH
I am getting things done but slower than I had hoped. I am feeling more anxious as the day goes on. Guess because they are still here but not because I am afraid.
I think I need to slow down and let yesterday sink in and not try to push myself to fast. There is still aways to go.
I think a nap is called for. I did get up early. Yes a nap will be good.
Thanks for checking on me and noticing where I may need to rethink things. You are so appreciated.

Peace and Love

 

[Copabanana]

If, by chance, any confrontation is started by them, I will let them know they can go quietly or I can get the police involved, which I hope to avoid.
I'm feeling good this morning. A sense of relief and empowerment.

I support you and I admire what you're doing. I want to say one thing. There is the sense of empowerment, and there is the reality of safety, of having control over our space. As long as our adult children are there in our space, with the potential to control it, and to threaten us and to hurt us, we are not empowered, and we are not safe. When they have yelled at us, threatened property damage, or destroyed doors, walls, refrigerators, thrown things, or squatted, they have already decided NOT to go quietly. The horse is already out of the barn at this point. I would argue that the horse is already out of the barn with your son.

You gave him the gift of an opportunity to choose again, after he stormed into your room, even though he has a documented history of violence and threat against you leading to arrest. In my view he does not need another opportunity to choose to act right. Not at your expense.

The question is this: How many opportunities do you want to give him to get this together, that is, to stop threatening you or god forbid hurting you? Every time when I asked my son, please do not do this, I reinforced the reality that he was in control. I rewarded the very behavior I sought to stop. I rewarded him for disregarding my boundaries. I showed him he could keep doing what he was doing without consequence. I gave him a chance, the opportunity to do it again. And he did.

Every word we utter to our children after they have acted violently, aggressively, rewards this behavior. We show them that we are afraid of them, or afraid of hurting them, or afraid of responding proactively to them or afraid of letting authorities know what is happening to us, in our homes. This empowers the behavior we seek to stop.

 

[Copabanana]

Pizza delivery. Doorbell rang, they didn't go to the door so I went to there room and said your delivery is here. I went to the door and told the delivery guy they would be right there.
My son came out and said she couldn't grab the pizza?

You are doing great! Why get into it with them? It's their pizza. Who cares what happens to their pizza?

I think I need to slow down and let yesterday sink in and not try to push myself to fast.

I agree. Look how far and how fast you've gone. It's amazing. You've identified ways in which you feel peace and tranquility. You've let both of the kids know what you're doing to turn this around. You're minimizing interactions with them. You've put the focus on yourself and your needs. Bravo.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

OW, I hope that you are ok and safe. Your situation is so volatile and I’m certain all of us on this site have been in this similar situation.

I remember one instance when my son was still living at home. He and husband at the time got into it. My son popped my husband and broke his nose. It was a horrible scene. We called police but my husband refused to let them in when they got there. He told me to tell them everything was fine.

This was probably 7 years ago now. So fast forward. This son has been living in his car off and on for 3 years. Still has anger issues, PTSD, ADHD and I believe but cannot be certain is working on alcohol addiction.

My point here is that what I’m learning is that the longer we hide the problem, squash it, pretty it up and ignore it, it will not go away.

The hardest thing we do in our part to change the situation is learning that it’s US who will likely need to make the changes to better the situation. Our adult kids will not ever likely be the ones to do that first. That’s where you need courage and I believe strength from God to do what you know you must.

Be careful, be safe and for once in your life put yourself first. The reality is this kind of dynamic will not likely get better soon. But take care of yourself because you can begin to heal once they are out of your house.

Thank you JP, I am feeling a little deflated as the day goes on. Yesterday I was just plain exhausted, this morning I felt like I had accomplished something and now I starting to feel anxious and unsure of the days to come. Work is on my mind. I have so much to prepare for training tomorrow and my mind just isn't in it.
I appreciate you understanding and giving me encouragement as well as good advise. Thank you!

 

[Overwhelmed1]

You are doing great! Why get into it with them? It's their pizza. Who cares what happens to their pizza?
I agree. Look how far and how fast you've gone. It's amazing. You've identified ways in which you feel peace and tranquility. You've let both of the kids know what you're doing to turn this around. You're minimizing interactions with them. You've put the focus on yourself and your needs. Bravo.

This would have never happened without you and the wonderful people here. And that's a fact!!

 

[Copabanana]

Dear OW

I am going to work around the house for the rest of the day and will check in tonight.

I want to apologize to you for how intense I get. My son is not the only person to have acted aggressively to me, in my life. Unfortunately, I have not responded as quickly and decisively as I should have, as I wish I had. Still, I tend to be cowed. And, too much I put the responsibility for boundaries in the other person, rather than acting from my own power center in the moment. For sure, I am a work in progress. I need to forgive myself. It is hard.

You see, what I am saying is there is a bit of hypocrisy in my posts. In effect, I am saying do as I say, and not as I do. This makes me very sad to admit, but it's the truth. (To be fair to myself I am doing better and better.)

So. Please understand that when I post decisively and from a place of knowing the right thing to do, I am trying to bolster that knowing and strength in myself, in the two of us, or whoever else reads this to whom it may apply.