At My Witt's End

[Overwhelmed1]

As always thank you everyone. Honestly I can't imagine Al-anon helping me any more than you all do here.
I do plan on getting into a group for several reasons once we can socialize again.
The covid-19 is going strong in my area. More and more positive results every day. One nursing home a few miles from me had 19 test positive last week and 4 of those have already passed away.
So very sad.
Keep praying for this to end soon.
Everyone keep safe and stay healthy.

 

[Copabanana]

It is incredibly rude for your son to keep labeling you as crazy

I agree.

But the thing is, who is the one who seems crazy and out of control? He does. I could care less what a nut job he is as long as he gets out and stays away from you.

And you? Standing strong. In control. Centered. With dignity and composure and self-respect.

And him? Acting like a screaming mimi. Good. Just stay away from them. And as soon as you can, go and find out the legalities and serve them legally. If you're in a city there may be a Board of Realtors that could help you find free help.

 

[JMom]

Overwhelmed,
Please excuse my grammar-it sucks. This is long, sorry, I just want to connect with you.

I'm not even sure where to start, so I'll go with I love you. You are a kind and gentle soul and I hurt for you. I am praying for you now, for your peace and safety. I would be a mess if I was in your situation. I don't think you will find any answers about why your kids are this way. It doesn't have to be your fault. I feel like we as parents feel as if we knew the "why" we could fix it.

The only people that can fix this are the ones who are acting out. What you can fix is you. I had a severe depression during my time dealing with my son. I took to the bed and couldn't get up. I had a neighbor come and pray over me. I was so scared that I would go completely crazy and not come back from it. I wondered about ending it to get some relief. I started praying and remembered someone in Al-anon once said "Just do one next thing".

So I got up and took a shower. That was huge, now, I cried in the shower but I was clean.

Next, I blow dried my hair (it's card to cry and blow, so just blow).

Next I put on just a little light make up. Lip gloss and mascara, I think. (Maybe just Burt's Bees lip balm). It smells good.

Next, I just started walking far enough from the house to not be seen. I know there wouldn't be anyone looking for me but took a path through some trees. I brought my phone and headphones and listened to 80's music on Youtube. (I'm not tech savvy but there is Spotify and other programs and such. It distracted my mind. It's hard to listen to old tunes and think about your kids.

Next, I went home and my family looked at me and asked where I had been. I replied "out" and made myself dinner.

Next, I got on the computer and played Texas Hold'em poker (again headphones in). I took a break from Facebook, Instagram, the news, my phone any other stressful distractions.

Every time I wanted to dwell on the negatives in my life, I picked up a book (romance novel about the court of King Henry the 8th).

Next, I went to sleep with headphones on listening to white noise or meditation stuff. Eventually I went to sleep.

Next,I woke up and did one next thing.

I hope this helps dear friend. Find what gave you joy in the past and do that. You are allowed to make new friends, away from your home that are yours. No one in your family even has to know about them and ruin it. I did it and it was kind of fun to have something for myself. I reinvented myself with that one person.

SELF CARE is the "how" to get you out of your slump, whatever that looks like to you. I think therapy might help you, there are virtual visits, just you a webcam and counselor. All you need is your phone or laptop and internet. There are lot of places have free wifi such as Starbucks, Wal-Mart, etc...

We are here for you and you absolutely CAN do this. As far as your kids go, as you practice self care, You will get stronger, I think, and be able to better deal with them and their nonsense. I don't know your situation but hope you can get them out of your home. They are resourceful, they have figured out how to live with someone, take complete control of someone and get a free ride. You could put your home up for sale. (I'm kidding, sort of). They will possibly be getting a stimulus check soon, it would be a great time for them to move out. Perhaps you can ask them to leave BEFORE the checks are mailed out, just a thought.

All of these are just me thinking out loud, not instructions. You are most certainly being abused. As far as your siblings abandoning you, I suspect they will be very proud of you if you stand up for yourself. If I were your sibling, it would be really hard to watch you be abused by your children. Don't worry about the neighbors honey, they have eyes and ears and know who is acting jacked up.
Video I used for negative thinking:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j91ST2gtR44
Video for meditation (I use it to go to sleep)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWEX3SRX7Ro

Best 80's music eva
Scorpions, Whitsnake, The Cure, Duran Duran, Bon Jovi, Cyndi Lauper, just to name a few...


Again, I love you.

JMOM

 

[Overwhelmed1]

JMOM, Thank you. I woke up to your nice words and it will make a big difference in my day.
I come here first thing every morning and almost always find a loving response from someone on here. It helps me so much to get through my day.
I come back before I go to bed and again I find someone expressing their care for me and I go to sleep with a comforted heart.
It may sound mushy to some of you but here, I can speak my heart without it coming back a month or maybe even 6 months later to be twisted and thrown in my face.
Using an analogy, it is like someone's loved one lost their life but gave you a heart transplant to save yours. I know that sounds extreme, but how do you thank someone for a gift like that. How do you stop hugging them and telling them how grateful you are for this renewed life.
Even through all their own struggles, they care about someone else, ME OF ALL PEOPLE, all messed up me.
Thank you from the bottom of my transplanted heart!

I am happy to hear you are doing much better in your life. You sound like you have come a long way. It is reassuring for me.

I pray you have an awesome day!

Peace and Love
by the way I love the 70s and 80s music!

 

[JayPee]

OW

The reason you felt CRAZY before is because you were practicing insanity. The definition of insanity (in Al anon) is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

In my opinion, you have stepped off the merry-go-round and are not playing a part in your son's drama. Once we remove ourselves from this role (sometimes which we willingly participate in until we know better), others, such as your son in this case, is forced to make some changes. It doesn't mean that they will happen now and or be perfect changes but inevitably when he doesn't receive the push-back and or participation in the blaming and pointing fingers from you, he has no resistance from which to operate from. You take the air out of his balloon.

You are strong and inspiring to me

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Was I treated like a queen today. Not one foul word. Actual was nice and asked if they could take me to dinner tonight.
Well, I washed off the word "SUCKER" from across my forehead..... So no, I declined.
No word from my daughter. Going on two weeks now. I wonder if she will call when she doesn't get her
"Allowance" as she called it.

Hey! I can take myself out to dinner now. NICE

You all have a restful night and sweet dreams...

Peace and Love

 

[RN0441]

Good for you.

Too little too late.

 

[WiseChoices]

Wow! They are really sweating it. Good for you not falling into their games.

 

[Triedntrue]

I can't say anything better than it has already been said. Keep up the good work.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Today did not go as planned. I ended up working so I couldn't contact anyone about my situation with my son.
This is just a little bump in the road but definitely not a game changer. I continue telling them they have to go.
I'm hoping my son does start working Monday. It will be nice having my house to myself during the day. This will also strengthen my stance on getting my home back permanently and soon...

Please stay strong and healthy friends!!

Peace and Love

 

[AppleCori]

Hi OW1,

I’m glad to hear that your son and his girlfriend treated you decently on Thursday! I hope that has continued.

Just keep working towards your goal of ending financial support for your adult offspring and getting your son and his girlfriend out of the house.

I hope your son is able to start working. That will be a relief if you can have the house to yourself during the day.

Keep posting, OW. You are sounding stronger and more determined each day. We are thrilled that you are doing so well!

Apple

 

[JMom]

JMOM, Thank you. I woke up to your nice words and it will make a big difference in my day.
I come here first thing every morning and almost always find a loving response from someone on here. It helps me so much to get through my day.
I come back before I go to bed and again I find someone expressing their care for me and I go to sleep with a comforted heart.
It may sound mushy to some of you but here, I can speak my heart without it coming back a month or maybe even 6 months later to be twisted and thrown in my face.
Using an analogy, it is like someone's loved one lost their life but gave you a heart transplant to save yours. I know that sounds extreme, but how do you thank someone for a gift like that. How do you stop hugging them and telling them how grateful you are for this renewed life.
Even through all their own struggles, they care about someone else, ME OF ALL PEOPLE, all messed up me.
Thank you from the bottom of my transplanted heart!

I am happy to hear you are doing much better in your life. You sound like you have come a long way. It is reassuring for me.

I pray you have an awesome day!


I had the SAME experience, coming here all day to gain strength. It's not all bunnies and rainbows now, my son seems to be drinking and smoking a lot, however, I am strong and can handle it. Hell, I can tell others to stop talking to me about him. I can say he's a big boy and not in my house so stop concerning yourself with his business. LOL. I never thought I'd be able to do that. He is grown and will suffer consequences if he makes bad choices. He's old enough to know that. I didn't make those choices so I don't have to hang out and watch him go down that road.

It will feel amazing when you get to a point of acceptance. I had to accept that he wasn't going to get better and that no matter how much I wanted him to be sober, nice, decent, hard working, none of it would happen until he was ready. Sometimes he's sober and sometimes not. But I am ok and you are going to be ok too. I just know it. The fact that you are here means you are putting the work in emotionally to get better. You are very sweet and deserve gentleness.

HUGS!
Peace and Love
by the way I love the 70s and 80s music!

 

[JMom]

Was I treated like a queen today. Not one foul word. Actual was nice and asked if they could take me to dinner tonight.
Well, I washed off the word "SUCKER" from across my forehead..... So no, I declined.
No word from my daughter. Going on two weeks now. I wonder if she will call when she doesn't get her
"Allowance" as she called it.

Hey! I can take myself out to dinner now. NICE

You all have a restful night and sweet dreams...

Peace and Love

oh dang did you leave your browser open? lol

 

[Overwhelmed1]

At a stand still. Son and girlfriend behaving, staying out of my way and speaking nice when they do speak to me. No, it isn't changing my mind but making it harder to get them out. I didn't get to call anyone Friday to ask how I could go about getting them out quickly. It is hard to do while I am working. I work this coming week but the following week I am off all week, maybe then. I am not in a good place this weekend to discuss with them. My brain is tired.

No word from my daughter. I paid her rent for this month and sent a message to the apartment manager that I would not be renewing the lease in June. She will have to move by the end of May. I am worried about my grandchildren. I just can't help myself. God, I love them so much!

I went out shopping for food today, had to, was running out of food. I haven't went grocery shopping in about three weeks. I did take good care not to get close to people and there wasn't that many people n the store. Now I will be home bound for awhile, again.....

I splurged and got all my favorite toiletries. I have been using bar soap and the cheapest shampoo etc. I could buy for the last 2 years. I couldn't afford anything else while sending my daughter cash and paying all her bills.

It was bitter sweet. My grandsons birthday is this month but I dare not send him anything. Every holiday or birthday for the last few years have been so stressful. My daughter would tell me " the kids need a nice Christmas this year since we are in a bigger place now or we need to make their birthdays special this year."

I brought decorations from my home, bought them a tree and as many presents as I could, even for my daughter. Took a week off and spent it with them. The day after Christmas, I gave my daughter some money. She exploded! it wasn't the usual amount. She proceeds to say " why did you spend so much money on unimportant stuff. You knew we needed money more"
She did the same thing the year before and on each of their birthdays. I know I can't send him anything and it hurts.

I was suppose to feel good doing something for myself, but it isn't feeling so great right now.

My son and his girlfriend bought pizza again, she walks by and opens the box, looks inside then shuts it. She then looked over at me with this glare of a look. No I haven't eaten any of your pizza. But they will not say a word. Being cool and conniving.

Just a little set back. I will do better tomorrow..... I pray I will anyway.

I hope everyone had a good day and will have a peaceful night.

 

[JMom]

OW.

Girl, eat the whole damn pizza. (I kid, I kid). You don't have to think about any of this right now. Give yourself the next two days off from worry. Two days is a drop in the bucket. They will be out soon enough and your daughter will still be difficult in two days.

I am super psyched that you bought yourself some smell goody things. It really does something to lift your spirits with a good smelling soap or shampoo. Don't feel guilty honey, buy that stuff in bulk and send them the generic stuff.

Also, buy yourself some flowers from the grocery store, put them on your bed side table. I'll cash app you $10 for them!
We love you girl, keep up the good work, you are doing fine!!!!!

Hugs,
JMOM

 

[Overwhelmed1]

OW.

Girl, eat the whole damn pizza. (I kid, I kid). You don't have to think about any of this right now. Give yourself the next two days off from worry. Two days is a drop in the bucket. They will be out soon enough and your daughter will still be difficult in two days.

I am super psyched that you bought yourself some smell goody things. It really does something to lift your spirits with a good smelling soap or shampoo. Don't feel guilty honey, buy that stuff in bulk and send them the generic stuff.

Also, buy yourself some flowers from the grocery store, put them on your bed side table. I'll cash app you $10 for them!
We love you girl, keep up the good work, you are doing fine!!!!!

Hugs,
JMOM

You are so sweet JMOM, thank you for making me laugh. I should go eat all the brownies they bought with the pizza.... hahahaha

I agree I need to just let it go for a bit. Nothing I can do until I can do it, right? Some times my mind just wont stop.

And by the way, instead of flowers, I bought your book to put on my night stand. I think it will be much more therapeutic and will last much longer.... I can't wait to get it.

I love everyone as well...

 

[Overwhelmed1]

I made it through a difficult weekend. Wow, I hate those.
Sunday seem to be the hardest day for me.
Seems like every Sunday I do the whole crying bit, the woe is me crap, the anxiety, worry, guilt and scared feelings bounce around all day.

I took a stupid chance and called one of sisters Sunday. Now I know that was the wrong thing to do. Check that off as duh!!! What was I thinking would happen?

I drove to Lowe's and got me a few things for when I am home next week to do in the yard. Nice how they had it set up to keep people separated.

My son starts working tomorrow so I will have the house to myself. I'm looking forward to that, especially when I am off all week.

I got through a rough spot without giving in, changing course or giving up. If this is a test, I will give myself a D for the effort.

I am not comfortable thinking about myself and doing things for myself but I keep trying. Maybe someday that will become more comfortable.

Everyone keep strong and healthy.

Peace and Love

 

[WiseChoices]

OW, I am so glad to hear your son starts work tomorrow. Yeah! This will give him the funds he needs to move out and forward. You will have a quiet house while they are both at work.

It takes time to learn to take care of ourselves: physically , emotionally, and spiritually. Baby steps, one day at a time .

You have shown so much strength and courage.

Much love!

 

[Beta]

OW, I think you're doing great. I can hear the difference in your words from when you first posted.

 

[RN0441]

Beta how are things at your house?