At My Witt's End

[Copabanana]

I am feeling a little deflated as the day goes on.

Isn't this part of the process? And all of this that we're living through with this Coronavirus. And it sounds like your work may put you in a position of responsibility and exposure to crisis situations. I am home alone, and I control 100 percent my environment and I still feel exposed and unstable and labile.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Dear OW

I am going to work around the house for the rest of the day and will check in tonight.

I We are y son is not the only person to have acted aggressively to me, in my life. Unfortunately, I have not responded as quickly and decisively as I should have, as I wish I had. Still, I tend to be cowed. And, too much I put the responsibility for boundaries in the other person, rather than acting from my own power center in the moment. For sure, I am a work in progress. I need to forgive myself. It is hard.

You see, what I am saying is there is a bit of hypocrisy in my posts. In effect, I am saying do as I say, and not as I do. This makes me very sad to admit, but it's the truth. (To be fair to myself I am doing better and better.)

So. Please understand that when I post decisively and from a place of knowing the right thing to do, I am trying to bolster that knowing and strength in myself, in the two of us, or more.

Copa, don't you dare apologize to me. You have said what I needed to hear and said it with care and concern.
Unfortunately, your sorrows have helped me and isn't that what we are here for, others experience and advise. I am just like you, I can help others better than I can help myself. I believe this is why so many of us are here. Our kindness to others make us venerable to those that are out to manipulate and control.
I have gotten so caught up in my own issues, I had forgotten everyone here helping ME has their own personal struggles. I should be the one apologizing.
I am here for you. You can send me a private message and we can have a conversation any time.
You sweet soul, of course you still struggle. We all probably will the rest of our lives.
Just remember I am here for you and will be.

 

[BusynMember1]

Ow, I actually think you are putting yourself at great risk and I am very concerned that maybe you don't want to admit to yourself that your situation is dangerous. With both son AND this goofy girlfriend there, there are TWO young healthy adults who could hurt you. I still feel a restraining order to get them out NOW is best. Right now there is too much nasty interaction. I feel at any time either of these middle age adults could lose it. I have seen this sudden violence. If you evict them, they won't leave right away and you will be their target, as you live together, until they are evicted. Then they may come back some night and vandalize the house or hurt you. For revenge. You need in my opinion to show you will take strong, swift action.

We pay a huge price for trying to protect our dangerous adult children and you have his girlfriend to deal with too.

Is your state in any way forcing you all indoors? Our state is. If those two go out and.mingle in any way, they are putting you at risk for Coronavirus. You are unsafe on many levels.

I hope you get them out fast rather than evict them. I am afraid for you. When you were 35 could you imagine yourself living in your parents house, standing outside your parents door and threatening them?

Your son and this girl are dangerous.

Prayers that you stay safe and well.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Blindsided I am being careful. In fact I am sleeping a lot. I am so tired lately. Been working long hours and everyone needs everything yesterday.
I have not heard from my daughter so that wears on me. So worried about my grandkids and miss them so much.
My son and his girlfriend worked out in the backyard while I worked in the front. No communication or confrontation.
Today my son went to a interview.
None of this will change my mind. I will stay safe.
I appreciate your concern.
WOW, I am so tired. Going to go to bed.
Thank you again....

 

[Copabanana]

So worried about my grandkids and miss them so much.

I am glad that there were no fireworks with son and girlfriend. I think it's more than safety, although safety is the essential basis of everything. I think we deserve to have serenity and autonomy in our own space. I am feeling that. I love it that I control everything that's here. I don't know how it was that for 10 years I ceded everything. I would hide in my room.I won't ever do that again. Good for you overwhelmed.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Man did I sleep!! Almost 12hrs. I didn't wake up once. I really needed that.
The girlfriend continues to go to work at a hospital, I pray she doesn't bring the virus here. I have been quarantined for over a week now and have only left when I went to the lake but I wasn't close to anyone and stayed in my car.
Son went for a job interview yesterday don't quite know how that worked. Maybe they stayed a good distance from each other.
I think for me it helped to be able to have all my windows up at the house.
Son and his girlfriend are playing nice right now so that is good. Not that they are changing my mind but it is easier to deal with especially since I am working from home for awhile.
I am going to be smart and safe while I go through this.
I appreciate you all so much for your support, encouragement and mostly your wisdom and caring of my well being.
Sending thanks and love to all.

 

[Beta]

I hope you get them out fast rather than evict them. I am afraid for you. When you were 35 could you imagine yourself living in your parents house, standing outside your parents door and threatening them?

Your son and this girl are dangerous.

I'm afraid for you too. I hope you have set a deadline for their departure. I'm shocked at how abusive and contemptuous your son is toward you. If you have set a deadline, things may very well ramp up as that gets closer. You may have to call the police to be present and, by all means, change the locks, install some security? It grieves me to hear how you must be feeling at times, in your own home!
Glad you got such a great night's sleep.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

What a day. For two days it was in the 80s but today chilly and rainy both cause my arthritis in my thumbs to be painful and stiff. UGH!
I turned my heat on today and couldn't figure out why my hands were so cold. I went to my son's room to ask him to speak lower, so I could hear better on my conference calls. I felt heat coming from under the door.
When I opened his door, his window was wide open and he had the fireplace blowing wide open. What the hell.... Got it he doesn't pay the electric bill.
I told him I had turned the heat on, so he needed to shut his window.
I then said you have your heater on.
He denied it, came out into the living room and said it's just as warm out here as in my room.
I told him no, it's colder because the heat is not coming on because your room is warm and it is right by the thermostat.
He immediately got on the phone with girlfriend saying we have to get out of here. She is going nuts.
Then proceeded to rant about craziness. Don't know what she said but son said, no really we need to get out.
I'm thinking she wants to stay....
I took a week vacation the second week of April will hopefully be cleaning house....
I am not trying to start any confrontations but I am ready to get them out any way possible if they start any.
I hope everyone is doing well today....

 

[Copabanana]

He immediately got on the phone with girlfriend saying we have to get out of here. She is going nuts.

I hope he does want to leave. But it doesn't matter one way or another. You are the driver here. Who cares what they think. Keep your eyes on the ball. The ball is that YOU NEED THEM OUT. There is nothing that could happen that would change this. Nothing they could think or say. Your needing your space for yourself, is for your welfare. For your peace and contentment and serenity and security. They are peripheral. Like so much noise. I would try my very hardest to minimize interaction with them.

He will keep doing this, gaslighting you, as long as you keep yourself centered in you. The fear is that when his gaslighting doesnt' work, he will escalate and become aggressive.

How can you find out what the legalities of getting them out are in your State, and when can you start the process?

 

[AppleCori]

Wow, OW1, I am very impressed with you!

You sound so much stronger and so much more confident than you did at the beginning of this thread, less than two weeks ago! You are no longer willing to believe lies about yourself and take abuse. You have discovered your own self-worth and are fighting for it.

Your son can see the difference in you. He knows that you have changed and you aren’t going to take his abuse anymore. Yes, he tried to gaslight you about the heater in his room, but he knows you are just laughing at his silly gaslighting attempts rather than believing him.

He knows they are on shaky ground and will have to move out soon. He is trying to convince his girlfriend, who has grown used to free rent and utilities (as well as everything else you provide) while spending her money on fun stuff, so she is resistant. Too bad.

Continue on your path to free yourself. Have you had time to look into what it takes to evict someone in your state?

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Copa and Apple thank you. I am really trying hard to get my life back before I turn 62.....
I have had no contact with my daughter in the last few weeks.
Still worry about the grandkids. I know she is their mother and is responsible for them, but they didn't ask for this either. I can remove myself from the situation, they cannot.
My son and his girlfriend are playing me but it will not work. It has become easy for me to ignore them lately.
I have worked so many hours the last couple of weeks that my AD has insisted I take off Friday. I'm going to use this time to talk to people about my situation and what my right are as well as what steps I need to take to get them out ASAP.
I know I have come a long way quickly and I have stood up to my abusers but I did not do it alone.
First, God was here throughout it all. Guiding me to you all and giving me strength.
God, then let his Angels help me see this through. Without all of your encouragement, love, understanding, wisdom and kindness, I would not be where I am now. You are my God sends!!!
I will never forget you all.
Thank you all so very much!!!!

 

[RN0441]

Overwhelmed,

Following along and praying for you.

I do hope that they leave soon and maybe they already have - fingers crossed.

For me, stress is exhausting so that could be what is happening to you too!

Hugs and we're all here for you.

xoxo

 

[Copabanana]

I am really trying hard to get my life back

Bravo!!

I take off Friday. I'm going to use this time to talk to people about my situation and what my right are as well as what steps I need to take to get them out ASAP.

Ditto. Bravo, OW.

 

[Triedntrue]

Great job!!

 

[Beta]

I have worked so many hours the last couple of weeks that my AD has insisted I take off Friday. I'm going to use this time to talk to people about my situation and what my right are as well as what steps I need to take to get them out ASAP.

.
Good!

First, God was here throughout it all. Guiding me to you all and giving me strength.

.
Yes, He did. As He did for all of us.

Your son can see the difference in you. He knows that you have changed and you aren’t going to take his abuse anymore. Yes, he tried to gaslight you about the heater in his room, but he knows you are just laughing at his silly gaslighting attempts rather than believing him.

He knows they are on shaky ground and will have to move out soon. He is trying to convince his girlfriend, who has grown used to free rent and utilities (as well as everything else you provide) while spending her money on fun stuff, so she is resistant.

I agree.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Hmmm, if things keep going like they are I won't need to discuss anything with anyone. Me being here all day is driving my son and girlfriend crazy.
After a little spiff today with son, your can probably guess.
Yep, on the phone with girlfriend discussing how crazy I am. He was saying we have to get out NOW. We need to look for an apartment.
I don't think I am acting crazy. I am relaxed, self assured, unaffected by outbursts and just OK.
I actually felt crazy before.
It's getting easier each day. Don't get me wrong I still get anxious at times and struggling terribly where my grandkids are concerned.
Here is my question. Should I go on line and by some groceries and have them delivered? I am not sending cash. I don't know for sure if she is still in the apartment or not. I would think the apartment manager would have contacted me if she was gone. Anyway, I would like to make sure the kids have food.

 

[Deni D]

Overwhelmed, just want you to know I'm following along here and there and wishing the absolute best for you. I think you have been very strong, you're doin good.

Yep, on the phone with girlfriend discussing how crazy I am. He was saying we have to get out NOW.

That would be great for you, hope they do move very soon.

Here is my question. Should I go on line and by some groceries and have them delivered?

I would say no, if I understand right she has not asked. Right now, across the country, people are volunteering and stocking up the food banks so she would certainly have access to plenty of food.

Stay safe, take care.

 

[Overwhelmed1]

Overwhelmed, just want you to know I'm following along here and there and wishing the absolute best for you. I think you have been very strong, you're doin good.


That would be great for you, hope they do move very soon.


I would say no, if I understand right she has not asked. Right now, across the country, people are volunteering and stocking up the food banks so she would certainly have access to plenty of food.

Stay safe, take care.

Deni, you are right. Didn't think about it that way. If I send them food, it may appear as though I am going back on what I said. Could cause a back slide.
Thank you for helping me see that side.
Appreciate your sharp thinking!!
You all see why I need each and every one of you....

 

[Copabanana]

Ow. I agree with deni about the food. Let her solve this. Don't jump back in. It's a mixed message. It's asking for trouble. Let her solve this.

By sending food you're not only sending her the message she doesn't have to meet her challenges. It's not only to continue taking responsibility. It's to undermine her and to tell her you don't believe she's responsible. She doesn't have to change. That she doesn't have capacity. And that you weren't serious. But most of all it's to say you're incapable of changing. Which isn't true. One day at a time. This is how Al Anon would help. We have been addicted to rescuing them. This is a behavior change that is your responsibility to change.

 

[WiseChoices]

Hmmm, if things keep going like they are I won't need to discuss anything with anyone. Me being here all day is driving my son and girlfriend crazy.
After a little spiff today with son, your can probably guess.
Yep, on the phone with girlfriend discussing how crazy I am. He was saying we have to get out NOW. We need to look for an apartment.
I don't think I am acting crazy. I am relaxed, self assured, unaffected by outbursts and just OK.
I actually felt crazy before.
It's getting easier each day. Don't get me wrong I still get anxious at times and struggling terribly where my grandkids are concerned.
Here is my question. Should I go on line and by some groceries and have them delivered? I am not sending cash. I don't know for sure if she is still in the apartment or not. I would think the apartment manager would have contacted me if she was gone. Anyway, I would like to make sure the kids have food.

Hi OW,
It is incredibly rude for your son to keep labeling you as crazy on the phone with his girlfriend right in front of you. But if that prompts him to want to get out now, good!

I see a big shift in you. You are digging deep into your own strength and empowerment. Maybe that's what son labels as crazy: he doesn't recognize you anymore .

I would also suggest not to do get food for your grandkids . I agree with Copa that it suggests to your daughter that she is not capable of providing and that it sends a mixed message as you are just establishing a boundary. They will be ok. Put the focus on you. Think about what you need.

Blessings!