Thankyou so much! I know that you are totally right about her NOT changing but I can and will. Keep me on the right path. X
BDP daughter wants to her & I to go family therapy
- Thread starter Lioness
- Start date
Here we go again! Difficult daughter isn't talking to me as she wants a break from me "space". Tonight is her best friends birthday dinner at a local restaurant to which I was originally invited as I have known her and her family for a long time. I didn't hear anything so assumed they weren't doing anything. I found out that the dinner has gone ahead but my daughter didn't want me there. So when I dropped of younger daughter I saw my difficult daughters car. I resisted the temptation to go inside to say hallo. My heart broke as I also realised she must be using a babysitter to look after my grand daughter instead of me! I always babysat her as my daughter doesn't like strangers looking after the baby. She was talking of getting a nanny before and her husband was horrified as he prefers the baby to be looked after by family. He wanted me to do it and I gladly said yes. Never heard about it again though. The baby hasnt stayed with us overnight for 6-7 weeks. We usually had her once a week overnight since one month old! My heart is breaking. I know Iam pathetic but I feel so, so sad. They are laughing & joking just 5 minutes away by car. And a stranger is putting my grand daughter to bed. My daughter is a cruel, disgusting person.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Let go of her. For you.
I don't mean to be harsh but I am going to speak plain.
This is not your only child and you have other grand kids. We adopted a six year old, now 37, who has not seen or spoken to me in almost ten years. Over my dead and buried body would I ever have given up the love of my husband, my four other kids and my two grands because one child is rejecting me. I wish things had turned out better with this son but my other kids deserve a happy mother. My husband deserves a loving wife. My grandkids deserve to be spoiled, even though the child who doesn't see me has two kids I have never even seen. I refuse to punish everyone else because of him. I won't punish myself either. You are not seeing your life's possibilities and for that I feel sorry for y out and hope you get help.
To throw away everyone for this abusive daughter makes no sense. Some people here only have one child and they are still living good lives. You can get help for yourself and focus on living a good life or you can let this daughter destroy you. The choice is yours.
I don't mean to be harsh but I am going to speak plain.
This is not your only child and you have other grand kids. We adopted a six year old, now 37, who has not seen or spoken to me in almost ten years. Over my dead and buried body would I ever have given up the love of my husband, my four other kids and my two grands because one child is rejecting me. I wish things had turned out better with this son but my other kids deserve a happy mother. My husband deserves a loving wife. My grandkids deserve to be spoiled, even though the child who doesn't see me has two kids I have never even seen. I refuse to punish everyone else because of him. I won't punish myself either. You are not seeing your life's possibilities and for that I feel sorry for y out and hope you get help.
To throw away everyone for this abusive daughter makes no sense. Some people here only have one child and they are still living good lives. You can get help for yourself and focus on living a good life or you can let this daughter destroy you. The choice is yours.
SWOT I have no other Grandchildren only the one! She is my one and only so far. I know that you may seem hard on me but I need it. The truth hurts but it is what it is. I know you are coming from a good place. Iam lucky to have two other wonderful adult kids, a good husband, friends and a job working with pre schoolers. I know I complain too much. I don't express myself to my family as I don't want what I say being reported back to my diff daughter. I just need to come to terms with this but am finding it difficult. I probably need professional help to value myself a little more. Rejection is a constant theme in my life : my mum, dad, husband and now daughter. Even my sister is cold and indifferent another product of my crappy childhood. She lives 10 minutes down the road but I haven't seen nor heard from her since april. I always have to call her so this time I haven't bothered as I have all the drama with my daughter. I am there for my family and friends all the time Iam Mrs Reliable. In fact that was the only positive thing my daughter had to say about me in therapy that I was always there for her and reliable. I don't show my pain to anyone except this forum and my husband. The truth is Iam embarassed and ashamed. Motherhood is The only job I ever wanted to succeed in and I turned out a big fat failure.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
My entire family of origin rejected me. My mom disowned me. Sister and brother are toxic and I never wish to see them again. A son we adopted at six left completely but I'm in a good place. I have rejection issues so I hang with the truly loving family and friends I can trust. I know what constant rejection can do to us. I recommend good long term therapy to learn to value yourself more. You deserve an abuse free good life I spite of difficult daughter.
You will have other grandchildren one day. Please realize this is your daughters loss and sadly it's her child.
Wishing you all the best.
You will have other grandchildren one day. Please realize this is your daughters loss and sadly it's her child.
Wishing you all the best.
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Swot i know you understand as you have lived it. I'm so angry, upset and grieving. I know I have to go through all the stages to get to a better place. My grand daughter has been so much a part of my life for the last two years. Family get togethers are awkward my other two children are in the middle. They love their sister and me. She is super nice to them but they know what she is like but probably fear being in the firing line. We regularly have dinners but haven't done for 3 months now. Its such a mess. I think I do need therapy but am short of money at the moment. Once I sell my house I will release some money then I can go for therapy. I know that I need to just see the loving people in my life and cut out the rest I.e. My sister and daughter. That is what I must do.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Lioness (hear you roar...hehe), there are free mental health clinics in every county of the country, I believe. Be nice to yourself and make an appointment. at yours. I thought they had the worst therapists or why would they work there, but I did go and found two AWESOME therapists who really, really helped me. Don't wait. Your other kids will be targets eventually and sadly. Be nice to them and anyone who returns the love your big, big heart has to give. Your other daughter still needs a babysitter and trust me if you play "hard to get" she will call you more with offers to see granddaughter. She can't afford a nanny. That's just more of her magical thinking.
The more she thinks she can hurt you, the more she will continue this. Act cool and calm, pleasant and distant, and she will panic that you are suddenly really leaving her and, if she is borderline, she will freak out and see you more, after the predictable tantrum about how you don't love her anymore.
You have come too far to let her destroy you. You are too worthy a person to be destroyed by anyone, even a beloved adult child.
The more she thinks she can hurt you, the more she will continue this. Act cool and calm, pleasant and distant, and she will panic that you are suddenly really leaving her and, if she is borderline, she will freak out and see you more, after the predictable tantrum about how you don't love her anymore.
You have come too far to let her destroy you. You are too worthy a person to be destroyed by anyone, even a beloved adult child.
My roar resembles a pathetic meow at the moment! Went for breakfast this morning with my husband,younger daughter and her friend. Her friend was talking about how close she is to her Grandmother & how much love she has for her. I had to leave the table & go to the toilet to cry as I remembered how much I loved my Grandma. And how much love I have for my grand daughter how this relationship is being ripped away. My younger daughter followed ME and told me not to worry & when she one day has a baby she will never withhold the baby from me. i will look into seeing someone on Tuesday. My younger daughters graduation is on Monday and I must be happy for that day and for her. I have to try and compartmentalise things. My younger daughter deserves my love and attention and we have always been close. I need to focus on those who return love you are right. I do deserve to love and be loved. Thank you.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
No, Lioness, your roar is loud. You can cry. It's ok. You are making progress. Love your young daughter. What a gift she is and she speaks the truth. Guess she has your heart.
We will help you make it, if you let us. We are all your cheerleaders and all of us have had some major heartache in our lives. We do get it.
Hugs and lots of good karma for your day.
We will help you make it, if you let us. We are all your cheerleaders and all of us have had some major heartache in our lives. We do get it.
Hugs and lots of good karma for your day.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Anytime. Remember that. We even stay open on Christmas 
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
This is stellar advice. You will be stronger in every way Lioness, now that you have this site. It makes all the difference for us to have one another, and I am glad you are here with us.
SWOT's advice regarding the older daughter was right on, I think. Any smallest change in your behavior will have huge effect. I agree with SWOT too that this sister will turn on her siblings at some point. It is a true thing that how you respond to this borderline daughter now, when you are her target, will help her sibs to know how to respond in healthy ways when they are the ones targeted.
It would help me to remember that, given her diagnosis, my child was not entirely responsible for her behaviors.
Your daughter is not responding to you in a rational way because she cannot. Much of her behavior is dictated by her illness. It would hurt me intensely too, to have been taunted and teased and singled out for punishment, especially when the thing you are being punished with is the love you feel for your grand.
That is a terrible thing your daughter is doing to you, and to your grand and even, to herself.
But she's the mom. She is the one in power in this situation. SWOT's suggestion for your behavior through this was exactly right and I am sorry it has to be this way.
I think your daughter is heartless and mean.
I would have a broken heart, too. But SWOT is right that you have come too far to let this daughter's behavior destroy you. I don't know what to do about the pain of it. Posting here will help. A good therapist will help immensely.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you, Lioness.
Cedar
Iam truly grateful to have found this forum with such a wealth of truly kind and wise people. SWOT is right I know this. I will change my behaviour as she has panicked in the past when I have toughened it out. I hate game playing though. It goes against my character as I wear my heart on my sleeve. But I must protect my heart from being stomped on. Bare with me all of you it will take time for me to make changes for better. Thanks again. Hugs to all of you.
Excuse me?
You have TWO other kids who love you, and it seems the only reason you don't have more grandkids is because these other two are younger and not to that stage in their lives yet.
But these two kids who love you sound like successful child raising to me. Your younger daughter sounds really observant and very kind - marks that are stellar in any person.
Focus on your successes.
If you expected to get a 100% mark in your parenting practicum, I've got news for you: I haven't met anybody yet who did.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Lioness, we do not get the life we want. Nobody does. Not you. Not me.
We create ourselves in response to, even in defiance of what happens to us. Right or wrong, our sadness and suffering defines our lives. Not in an enduring way. Our choices of what to do next come to define us. As we choose, we make our character. We become who we choose to be, if we can.
The question is this: What are you going to about it?
You have the power to choose your life and who you will be in it, not your daughter.
Your response to your daughter's cruelty will define you.
Will you choose to respond to the love and need of your other children, and see yourself reflected in their lives, as a loving mother worthy of love?
Or will you allow your anger and your sense of injustice in reaction to your daughter's withholding of your granddaughter, to embitter you?
I know this is difficult, because of your history. But lives are defined by our choices, not by events over which we have no control. You cannot and can never control your daughter. You cannot change her. You cannot make her love you or to show you love. You cannot make her do what she does not want to do.
As long as you focus on this or your feelings in response to her, you will stay in this place of powerlessness, of loss, of anger, of hopelessness.
What would make this particularly tragic, is this: you would be returning to the heartbreak and victimization you have suffered in your life as a child and in your first marriage.
Lioness, please do not choose to re-victimize yourself. Because that would be what this would be. Do whatever you can to save yourself, your relationships with your other children, and for the future grandchildren that you will have.
I agree with the other posters. You have other children who need you. You need you. To love and to take care of yourself and to turn away from this hurtfulness. You can do it. Choose hope.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
What insane Canadian said.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I want to make another comment, Lioness. Forgive me, it is something that you may not take kindly but it is important to me.
When you describe your daughter as having a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, with the traits that go with it, it does not seem kind.
You show a great deal of anger towards her, which does not sound loving.
If you show these feelings to her. If she knows you disparage her as a "diagnosis."
If she knows that you hold her and her alone as the responsible one, for the destruction of your relationship, I understand why she might seek distance from you.
This is your daughter, Lioness. Your beloved daughter. While she may have inherited traits through a genetic predisposition that you do not like, she is your daughter.
She was your daughter who needed and still needs and craves your love and your care. And now she requires your respect. Before she was a mother, she was a daughter. Your daughter.
Lioness, can you find it in your heart to love her? As she is. Not as you want her to be? Can you love her? Can you find love for her beneath or apart from your anger? Can you love her no matter what? Whether she gives you what you want, or not?
Even if you never again see your granddaughter, can you find love for your daughter?
Lioness, I am not forgiving her. I am not overlooking the hurts she has caused and the blame you feel she deserves.
She is your daughter. You loved her once and love her still. Find that love for her, if you can. It will free you.
When you describe your daughter as having a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, with the traits that go with it, it does not seem kind.
You show a great deal of anger towards her, which does not sound loving.
If you show these feelings to her. If she knows you disparage her as a "diagnosis."
If she knows that you hold her and her alone as the responsible one, for the destruction of your relationship, I understand why she might seek distance from you.
This is your daughter, Lioness. Your beloved daughter. While she may have inherited traits through a genetic predisposition that you do not like, she is your daughter.
She was your daughter who needed and still needs and craves your love and your care. And now she requires your respect. Before she was a mother, she was a daughter. Your daughter.
Lioness, can you find it in your heart to love her? As she is. Not as you want her to be? Can you love her? Can you find love for her beneath or apart from your anger? Can you love her no matter what? Whether she gives you what you want, or not?
Even if you never again see your granddaughter, can you find love for your daughter?
Lioness, I am not forgiving her. I am not overlooking the hurts she has caused and the blame you feel she deserves.
She is your daughter. You loved her once and love her still. Find that love for her, if you can. It will free you.
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Cop a love u but disagree. Borderline are mean and the harder you try the harder u fall. They do not reason. One day granddaughter will realize her mother has a mean personality too unless she inherits the Borderline (BPD) and becomes like her. This daughter is 39, too old to be expecting help and abusing her mother in such mean ways. There is no excuse for it at all. Lioness is beloved by most people in her life. Personality disordered people need no reason to be mean. They just are as they lack normal human empathy and have rather twisted thinking. They make certain people targets. I think my mom was borderline. I think her mean games were on her. I can not agree there there are always two at fault. Not if your kid or parent has a personality disorder. The daughter can not get her adult life together or stick in any relationship. Lioness needs to move on or this daughter will destroy her. If she keeps obsessing over this woman who can't love she will cheat herself and her emotionally available daughters out of the love she has and that she can return. That isn't fair.
Cop a you know my disagreement with you is laced with love and respect. We just disagree which is ok.
Cop a you know my disagreement with you is laced with love and respect. We just disagree which is ok.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
That is exactly what I mean, SWOT. Lioness is permitting herself to be destroyed, if she keeps in this same space with her daughter.
I do not mean that she submit herself to her daughter to be hurt. I mean rising above the current situation in her own heart. And accepting that she has no control.
Her daughter has suffered, too. Being manipulated by her father as a pawn, sacrificed by him to his own interests. She is a victim, too.
The last thing I am saying is for Lioness to submit.
Lioness, you are the strong one, the adult in the room, the moral force in the family, as the Mother. Take that road, irrespective, of your angry, hurt feelings.
Choose for good. It is in you. Let the bitterness and anger go. For the sake of yourself and your children. Love is always there. Hidden. I am not saying you are wrong. What I am saying is before everything you are her Mother. To me that means everything.
Your daughter is wrong. You will not change her. But do not allow yourself to go to her level. You are better than this.
SWOT, I think we agree more than disagree. At least, I agree with you.
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