Birthmom is now "Mom"

[butterflydreams]

I am so sorry you heart is hurting right now. I can't imagine having a child tell you that, but I remember how I felt when my children's father died and my daughter hating me because of it for a while and comments that were made in the heat of the moment.

<<<<<HUGS>>>>>

Christy

 

[SaraT]

Nancy,

Please don't take this wrong, but I am also adopted and just thought I'd let you know where difficult child may be coming from. It may help your heart.

I am not difficult child, but I am adopted. When I hit my teenage years I became curious of birth parents, especially bm, and wanted to know. I had a lot of questions that needed answered. You sound like you have some of those answers, but maybe difficult child needs to hear it from BM. Mom/daughter relationship is very tense in the teen years, even with easy child kids, and those of us that are adopted sometimes feel we don't belong in the family.(Irrational I know, but teens don't think clearly, at least I didn't). The process of finding bm, talking to her and then finding boyfriend did fill the hole I felt from not knowing. Unfortunately it did hurt my mother, and I didn't realize it until a year or so later. I then had a long talk with her and we repaired our relationship. We are now closer then we ever were when I was a teen.

I hope difficult child gets her answers and curiousity needs filled. Then the hole of something missing(a feeling we adopted tend to have) will also be filled.(At least mine was.)

Hopefully she will then see how good a mom YOU are and begin to heal your relationship.

I am sorry you are hurting.

Hugs.

 

[daralex]

Nancy,
You're post brought many tears to my eyes. So sorry for your pain , huge ((HUGS)) You know the real definition of being a mom is not being a birth mother. You are truly THE mom and a wonderful one at that! Keep strong.
-Dara

 

[BusynMember]

Ok, quickly putting my .02 in and I mean this post kindly. I have four adopted kids. All of them, even my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son, thinks of himself as having two mothers, although they are careful to be easy child around me. I am Mom who takes care of them. But there is this mystery woman who looks like them and maybe is more like they are (good or bad) and that they do think about and she also is called "mother" when the child isn't talking to me. Sometimes I even hear "real mom." They don't mean they don't love us or don't think of us as THE Mom. It means "she gave birth to me." I used to feel hurt, but talking to my older kids, I put it in perspective. Also, I have a best friend who found her birthmom at age 37. She calls her "Mom" to her face, but she is "Sue" (not her real name) in private. To me, she says her adoptive mom is really her mom--and her adoptive mom was no prize, an alcoholic. Her birthmom is actually really cool and enfolded her into the family right away--but the more she knows them the more she sees that they are dysfunctional too. It did help her a lot to see who she looked like, why she is musically gifted, and she liked meeting her siblings. It is natural for adopted kids to think different then us, their parents. They always have this "who are they?" in their minds.
So far none of my kids have searched, although they can and we'd help. I think they may once we're gone, and that's ok. I don't mind being one of the moms--the one who did the hard work! But if my kids refer to birthmom as mom too, well, I'm not going to let it bother me because I think it means "you who gave birth to me and whose genes I shared." Although my son we adopted at age six is not close to us, or anyone in the family, I know my once drug-addicted daughter loves me very much, and I her. I doubt she could form any closer a bond to anyone else because we've been through hell and back together and, in the process, have come full circle and have a very strong, unbreakable relationship. I am confident that no birthmom can take my place, even if she finds her and calls her "Mom." I don't believe your daughter meant YOU aren't her mom--really. And I"m sorry it hurts because I've been there. JMO

 

[Sheila]

I'm sorry for the hurt. It must be difficult.

Before I adopted difficult child, I did quite a bit of research on adopted children. One thing I learned is that is pretty typical for an adopted child to have a need to find the bio mom. Not so much the bio dad, which I found perplexing....

difficult child was 5 before he came to us -- having lived with his bm until that time. He's forgotten a lot of the horror he lived through, and now believes that life could be perfect, e.g., his bm would let him do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and without any consequences or responsibilities. And actually, he's 100&#37; correct -- she'd let him run wild.

I will not be the least bit surprised if, when he's older, he attempts to reconnect with her. And even knowing beforehand, I'll be crushed. But I also know that he will come to understand where the love and security lies.

I kept a poem I found when I researched adoption. It brought a different perspective to me and is of some comfort, so thought I'd share.

The Legacy of an Adopted Child
Author: Unknown


Once there were two women
Who never knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother.


Two different lives
Shaped to make yours one
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun.


The first gave you life
And the second taught you how to live it
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it.


One gave you a nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of a talent
The other gave you an aim.


One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears.


One gave you up -
it was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child
And God led her straight to you.


And now you ask me
through your tears
The age old question
through the years


Heredity or environment -
which are you the product of?
Neither my darling, neither,
Just two different kinds of love.

 

[DazedandConfused]

This may be completely unrelated, but I know if Daughter had been adopted she would definitely be fixated on finding BM and living her fantasy life of no rules and "getting whatever I want". I also know, without a doubt, whenever angry at me, she would zing me with "you're not my REAL Mom", etc.

About the last year, or so, Daughter has made bizarre statements to me like: "I wish you and Dad would divorce. I would go live with him and he would let me do, and buy, whatever I wanted". (Yes, I am usually the heavy)

Of course, I would inform her that she was gravely mistaken. To no avail. She would just argue back. About a month ago, I told husband about her statements and he was SHOCKED. So, one of their favorite things to do together is go out to dinner and have chinese food . At their last outing husband made it clear that there was going to be no divorce and that she needs to come back to earth if she thinks even if we did he was just going to let her run wild. That he backed me 100&#37;.

There hasn't been a peep out of her since.

I think that some adopted kids, especially difficult children, have so much emotional baggage that even inspite of a parents best efforts they just can't seem to lighten their load.

 

[timer lady]

Nancy,

Listen to Star - she's brought up many valid & genuine points from a very personal viewpoint.

Sweetie, kt & wm are already talking about searching for "mom". How life will be wonderful once they meet her. According to wm I'm supposed to buy bio mom a dog & help them buy a house. Not likely!

Having said that, I have expected this from the tweedles for years & anticipate the search for bio (hazard) mom when they are old enough to do it. Both kt & wm have written letters to BM - some were hurtful to read. Others were questions to BM - why didn't you keep me safe, why did you hurt me type of letter. The hardest were the letters filled with plans for when they could all move together under one roof.

I had to learn, as someone said earlier, that all these "fantasies" were not about me. Rather, I had to accept these letters were how the tweedles thought life should have been - not the reality.

AND I had to learn not to react. I, to this day, reply very little or say hmmmm, maybe. I've almost become numb to this fantasy.

Yup, take that knife out of your heart. You have been the best mom in the world for your difficult child. She may or may not eventually understand that. (If she doesn't I may come on over & kick her young butt! ) Life isn't fair AND your difficult child has had so many advantages because of you & husband.

While the grass may always look greener - no one knows what poisons were used to achieve that look.

((((hugs))))

 

[dirobb]

Sorry you are going through this right now. I agree with some of the post regarding difficult child's being spiteful (whether she realizes it may be another matter).

My mom met my DAD when she was 5 months preg. they married 4 months after my birth. somewhere along the way I realized my birth certificate had a different last name. So everytime I felt wronged or was mad at DAD I asked for my birth certificate. Not really sure why just something was not right ( I started this probably around 9 or 10) I probably gave them both such heartache. But at that age that really didnt factor in. But looking back it probably did. I was hurting and something was not right, my DAD's name was not on my birth certificate and I had a diff name. This prompted the talk with my mom. Then we had to have a talk with my sibs.
(side note:when we were having this serious discussion. my mom and me and my sibs. she tells them before she was married she had a daughter, my bro pipes up and asks if dad knew. It was pretty funny, here she was sharing her big secret with only us not husband. kids sometimes are so black and white.)
To this day as the oldest I have a special relationship with my DAD we are closer than he and my sibs are. My parents eventually divorced, but my dad is still my DAD.
I had all the fantasies about who my real father could be. (we always dreams of some celebrity/wealth/handsome guy in the mix...lol) And how he could rescue me...save my life with medication history or something equally goofy. New car/clothes.

As I have gotten older, it doesnt matter. I love my DAD. He has always been here for me. Warts and all. Hes not perfect, nor am I. The other gave me genes for that I am grateful. Do I want to met him. NO. It's my personal choice. As long as either of my parents are alive, it is unimportant. I would never dream of hurting them over this again. I have never asked other than what he was like. After my mom is gone I will probably have no way to know. Others will probaly disagree. But I know who my real family is.

I hope your daughter realizes this too. In time maybe she will. But I know you, as only a true mom can do, just love her unconditionally, guide her and pray for the best.

 

[Fran]

difficult child is pretty outrageous in her need to hurt, shock and devastate her adoptive family.
I'm betting that normal adoptive child curiosity intermingled with her gfgdom creates a lot of pain for you, husband and easy child. As you say, when 18 she can do as she pleases and search for what she is looking for. I doubt that it will be anything like she imagines. Doesn't make it hurt less.
I'm sorry for you and any mom with an ungrateful, unappreciative, selfish difficult child. Which is most of us but your difficult child seems to have just enough smarts to aim for the most vulnerable spot in you.