Brokenhearted
- Thread starter Hopeful97
- Start date
Kalahou
Well-Known Member
Brokenhearted,
You are reaching a good point of detachment. I had a similar eye opening moment when I first realized (as you did today) that I was losing any emotional feeling for my son. It was a strange feeling to realize I felt differently. I knew I didn’t need the stress and negative vibes around us and it could be making husband and me sick. I really felt like I did not want to even see my son anymore. (And I thought, “I don’t like to feel this way about my own son, but I just do not like the person he is now. I don't want to be around him or think about him.”) What I noticed was the big change in myself, as I’ve grown in detachment and released much of my emotional fear. I’ve came to feel that I no longer really even cared what was going to happen to him when he left my home. (I did not like feeling this way about my own son. This was not like me. And it made me wonder, how could a mother feel this way, and will this feeling ever change back.)
It was Tanya M., who replied to my post with a very comforting explanation, stating:
“It is very normal to have a lack of "feeling" when we get this point. We have become calloused, but not in a bad way. Just as a workers hands become calloused, that "hardening" of the skin actually protects the workers hands. Our hearts have been broken so many times by our Difficult Child that our hearts develop a callous, again, it's a way to protect us.”
I like Tanya’s analogy, and it makes sense because the protective callous actually makes the worker more efficient and he can be more focused on the task without always wincing from the pain. This is the value of detachment.
You are making progress on this path and journey. The folks here are with you. You are going to be alright -
You are reaching a good point of detachment. I had a similar eye opening moment when I first realized (as you did today) that I was losing any emotional feeling for my son. It was a strange feeling to realize I felt differently. I knew I didn’t need the stress and negative vibes around us and it could be making husband and me sick. I really felt like I did not want to even see my son anymore. (And I thought, “I don’t like to feel this way about my own son, but I just do not like the person he is now. I don't want to be around him or think about him.”) What I noticed was the big change in myself, as I’ve grown in detachment and released much of my emotional fear. I’ve came to feel that I no longer really even cared what was going to happen to him when he left my home. (I did not like feeling this way about my own son. This was not like me. And it made me wonder, how could a mother feel this way, and will this feeling ever change back.)
It was Tanya M., who replied to my post with a very comforting explanation, stating:
“It is very normal to have a lack of "feeling" when we get this point. We have become calloused, but not in a bad way. Just as a workers hands become calloused, that "hardening" of the skin actually protects the workers hands. Our hearts have been broken so many times by our Difficult Child that our hearts develop a callous, again, it's a way to protect us.”
I like Tanya’s analogy, and it makes sense because the protective callous actually makes the worker more efficient and he can be more focused on the task without always wincing from the pain. This is the value of detachment.
You are making progress on this path and journey. The folks here are with you. You are going to be alright -
Hopeful97
Active Member
Leafy, Thank you. What my Difficult Child did today was appalling. My hubby wanted his phone. So this evening Difficult Child texts hubby just said "dad" hubby texts back I'm in hospital, no response. Maybe this appalling behavior will in a bizzare way will help hubby start to realize he needs to step back.
Hugs
Hopeful
Hopeful97
Active Member
Kalahou,
Thank you for your wise words. I love the analogy explains things very well and helps put things in perspective.
Hugs,
Hopeful
Hopeful97
Active Member
Another wow, Difficult Child texted me last night "mom" I did not respond so Difficult Child texts hubby "dad" hubby replies "what's up I'm in hospital heart problems" no response. Yet again unbelievable. Difficult Child tried texting sis and mom also but they did not respond. I am hoping after such lack of concern and consideration will help along this terrible journey concerning our Difficult Child. Hubby doing well testing being done now.
Hugs ,
Hopeful
Hugs ,
Hopeful
Hopeful97
Active Member
Hubby is okay, everything checked out good. Could have been caused from stress.
Difficult Child texted me this morning I did not respond. Called hubby who answered Difficult Child wanted to know which hospital hubby told Difficult Child not to come he was not takin visitors. Waiting to go home and take a very long nap. Thank you all for all of your support and prayers.
Hugs,
Hopeful
Difficult Child texted me this morning I did not respond. Called hubby who answered Difficult Child wanted to know which hospital hubby told Difficult Child not to come he was not takin visitors. Waiting to go home and take a very long nap. Thank you all for all of your support and prayers.
Hugs,
Hopeful
Hopeful97
Active Member
We were able to sort of rest yesterday, Difficult Child called (do not why I answered) asked if I could take him to get an id. I did, all went ok. I did not pay for it, dropped Difficult Child off. Not sure what happened this morning got phone call from hubby's coworker kind of symptoms of tia or severe panic attack. Picked hubby up from work, employer very understanding. Difficult Child calls no one picks up, he comes to door. Hubby goes out talks to him gives him can of fruit and bag of chips Difficult Child asks for money hubby says no. Difficult Child leaves. Difficult Child just calls no one answers, calls again hubby answers Difficult Child asks if he can sleep in our truck hubby says no. Our Pastor came by today talked with us for long time made suggestions.Great meeting. Hubby realizing unhealthy attachment. Thanks for listening. Hopeful.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi Hopeful, oh boy, you are going through some tough times, but you are doing this Hopeful. You are strong and steady.
It was a kind thing you did to help your son with his ID. I hope he appreciated your effort.
I am sorry for your husbands illness. This stuff takes a toll on us.
I am very glad you had a good meeting with your Pastor.
It is good that your Hubby is starting to see things clearly.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
It was a kind thing you did to help your son with his ID. I hope he appreciated your effort.
I am sorry for your husbands illness. This stuff takes a toll on us.
I am very glad you had a good meeting with your Pastor.
It is good that your Hubby is starting to see things clearly.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
Hopeful you are doing all the right things. Your son may very well get to the point where he finally wants real help. Be prepared with a plan, places he can go, offer to drive him there, be as supportive as possible if and when he finally says he wants help. Until then you are doing great. I know how hard this is. We had to close and lock our door on our daughter in the middle of an awful snowstorm. I cried my eyes out. The police came and made her leave. She walked through the snowstorm with sneakers and a jacket. She called and told us she was going to walk in front of a car that night. I prayed hard. She did not. It was six weeks later that she begged us to help her get help, and we did.
Childofmine
one day at a time
Hopeful, you have been under siege and I am sure you are completely spent. Hang in there. Nancy gives you good thinking above. It's helpful FOR US when we can have something to offer---something in the way of a list of resources (shelter, free food, health clinic, clothes closet) that they can go to. They don't like it, because they want US to do it all for them, but it makes us feel better.
Also, if you can, write down a list of a few things you can say to him and have it handy:
1. I'm sorry, but we aren't giving you any more money.
2. I love you.
3. I'm sure you will figure things out.
4. Call us in a few days.
5. Oh.
6. Really.
7. That's interesting.
8. No, I'm sorry, we can't do that (whatever it is).
9. Well, if that's how you feel, okay (when they are blaming us).
10. That may be true. (this is good to say every time they say something outrageous).
I learned to whip out my list of things to say and work like the dickens to stick to it, no matter how much cursing and blaming and bs I heard from him. Just keep it slow and simple and keep on reading up and down the list. That really helped me when things were at all-time crazy.
I'm glad your husband may be coming around. It's so much better when both parents are on the same page.
It doesn't mean this still doesn't hurt and that you aren't scared for your son. Don't expect those feelings to change. Just feel them, but work hard not to act on them. And if you do, that's okay too.
This is a marathon, not a sprint. We're here for you. I hope your husband and you are both feeling better today.
Also, if you can, write down a list of a few things you can say to him and have it handy:
1. I'm sorry, but we aren't giving you any more money.
2. I love you.
3. I'm sure you will figure things out.
4. Call us in a few days.
5. Oh.
6. Really.
7. That's interesting.
8. No, I'm sorry, we can't do that (whatever it is).
9. Well, if that's how you feel, okay (when they are blaming us).
10. That may be true. (this is good to say every time they say something outrageous).
I learned to whip out my list of things to say and work like the dickens to stick to it, no matter how much cursing and blaming and bs I heard from him. Just keep it slow and simple and keep on reading up and down the list. That really helped me when things were at all-time crazy.
I'm glad your husband may be coming around. It's so much better when both parents are on the same page.
It doesn't mean this still doesn't hurt and that you aren't scared for your son. Don't expect those feelings to change. Just feel them, but work hard not to act on them. And if you do, that's okay too.
This is a marathon, not a sprint. We're here for you. I hope your husband and you are both feeling better today.
Hopeful97
Active Member
Thank you child of mine, I have written down responses and am sure will be referring to them.
Difficult Child texts or calls hubby a couple of times a week. I do not always respond to Difficult Child. Difficult Child tried calling home phone 3 times this morning we did not answer, Difficult Child knocks on the door hubby answers comes back in puts a few things in grocery bag gives it to Difficult Child. I come home from church Difficult Child sitting on front porch while hubby and our oldest put up Christmas decorations . I ask hubby what Difficult Child is doing here he says waiting for a ride, and hubby told Difficult Child he would give him a ride when he was done with decorations. I say not a good idea he will start coming back all the time. I know that sounds mean but I cannot handle being around Difficult Child right now. Sure enough later in the day getting ready to leave and here comes Difficult Child and company (hubby says cronies). We leave hubby says I hope no one breaks in. I ended up giving Difficult Child a ride when he was here waiting for hubby because I just could not handle Difficult Child being around. I told hubby after today Difficult Child will probably start trying to hang around again, so I am resolved if he does not leave I will call police. Told hubby I am not doing anything for him for a while (maybe food now and then) I can not and have been doing really well. Difficult Child texted hubby asking for 10 bucks "he really needs it" hubby said no, so he is coming around so to speak, I think beginning more and more to realize things. Hubby said it is going to be really hard when he comes to door and there is snow on the ground and it is freezing. I said yes it is but he cannot come into our home you can tell him you can take him to a shelter but that is all you can do, I told hubby I am not going to not feel safe in my home again. He totally understands, he said what if he does not go to a shelter just stays outside I said then I will call police and if necessary get another restraining order and this time I will stick to it no contact at all. I learned my lesson. Well that is all just wanted to get this off of my chest. Thanks.
Difficult Child texts or calls hubby a couple of times a week. I do not always respond to Difficult Child. Difficult Child tried calling home phone 3 times this morning we did not answer, Difficult Child knocks on the door hubby answers comes back in puts a few things in grocery bag gives it to Difficult Child. I come home from church Difficult Child sitting on front porch while hubby and our oldest put up Christmas decorations . I ask hubby what Difficult Child is doing here he says waiting for a ride, and hubby told Difficult Child he would give him a ride when he was done with decorations. I say not a good idea he will start coming back all the time. I know that sounds mean but I cannot handle being around Difficult Child right now. Sure enough later in the day getting ready to leave and here comes Difficult Child and company (hubby says cronies). We leave hubby says I hope no one breaks in. I ended up giving Difficult Child a ride when he was here waiting for hubby because I just could not handle Difficult Child being around. I told hubby after today Difficult Child will probably start trying to hang around again, so I am resolved if he does not leave I will call police. Told hubby I am not doing anything for him for a while (maybe food now and then) I can not and have been doing really well. Difficult Child texted hubby asking for 10 bucks "he really needs it" hubby said no, so he is coming around so to speak, I think beginning more and more to realize things. Hubby said it is going to be really hard when he comes to door and there is snow on the ground and it is freezing. I said yes it is but he cannot come into our home you can tell him you can take him to a shelter but that is all you can do, I told hubby I am not going to not feel safe in my home again. He totally understands, he said what if he does not go to a shelter just stays outside I said then I will call police and if necessary get another restraining order and this time I will stick to it no contact at all. I learned my lesson. Well that is all just wanted to get this off of my chest. Thanks.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi Hopeful, it is getting tough, for me too, eldest coming around again. Hubs was in the hospital, but out now, thank God. When it rains it pours. I am so sorry for this heartache. I understand it being tough on you folks because of the weather.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
This is hard. Figuring out what to do, what not to do. My hubs is right there with yours, still wants to help as much as he can. This is his thing. I am like you, it is better for me not to have contact. We need time to heal, too.
Oh how I know of this fear with my d cs and cronies. They do not bat an eye, when it comes to breaking in. It is a shame.
This is good that you have an idea of what you will do. It is not an exact science, all of this.
I feel the same way. Home is supposed to be our haven, our sanctuary.
I am glad your hubby understands. I guess it will take some time for my hubs and I to get there. Patience on my part......Thanks for writing Hopeful, it is good to know you are okay. Hang in there, we are all in this together, though we are miles apart.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Us too, Hopeful. Please do take care.
Hopeful97
Active Member
This is so very hard. I went to leave this morning and Difficult Child was sleeping in my truck. I made him get out of truck he says tell me why did you lie when you said I would always have a place at home. I do not recall saying that, I told him when he changes he may have a place here. Difficult Child said he has changed I told not from what I see, your posts on facebook, etc......Difficult Child said I'm not cussing at you. Difficult Child started crying said he is not going to be able to take a winter outside homeless and he was just going to kill himself and he was going on and on about being lied to and killing himself. I just said to Difficult Child im sorry and he would say something and i would say im sorry. Wow this is so hard to even write but I have to get it out. He then called and like an idiot I answered and Difficult Child says mom can you please give me a ride I just farted and it was the runs it's down my leg I said I cannot give you a ride I'm sorry, he starts really wow and hangs up.
I called my sister she gave good advice. Difficult Child was at my sisters house Saturday took a shower and ate, she will help him out occassionally. She told me yesterday she could see no change when he was at her house saturday. Back to this morning my sister said Difficult Child is going to tell you anything to get in the house, you have done everything you can, pleas do not let him back in your house, I told her I was not going to let Difficult Child in house. I told her I tried to tell Difficult Child about shelter where he could get help and he was crying and saying he couldn't take a homeless winter and he was going to kill himself. Sister said he is going to say anything to you to get to you she asked me to call police next time he comes around.
I guess I answered phone because I was so upset not really paying attention.
I was going to ask sister or my oldest son to tell Difficult Child about shelter where there is extra help for teens, but decided that it would probably do no good. Then I thought I could text Difficult Child with the info., bit decided against anymore contact, I will try to call police next time.
Older son called to check on things this morning, I explained what happened and I started crying. Older son said "mom do not let him in you are doing the right thing, this is going to be incredibly very very hard but I am here for you and dad and I am coming by after work."
I don't know if Difficult Child is really that distraught or just trying to get to me like my sister thinks. I know what it's like to be in that black hole and thinking no hope and only way out is suicide. I also no what it is like to lose someone close to suicide. I do not know what to do..... I do not want my Difficult Child to kill himself and yet I cannot help, that does not make any sense but it is true. Why do I feel like this is my fault?
Thank you for listening to an emotional mess this morning.
I called my sister she gave good advice. Difficult Child was at my sisters house Saturday took a shower and ate, she will help him out occassionally. She told me yesterday she could see no change when he was at her house saturday. Back to this morning my sister said Difficult Child is going to tell you anything to get in the house, you have done everything you can, pleas do not let him back in your house, I told her I was not going to let Difficult Child in house. I told her I tried to tell Difficult Child about shelter where he could get help and he was crying and saying he couldn't take a homeless winter and he was going to kill himself. Sister said he is going to say anything to you to get to you she asked me to call police next time he comes around.
I guess I answered phone because I was so upset not really paying attention.
I was going to ask sister or my oldest son to tell Difficult Child about shelter where there is extra help for teens, but decided that it would probably do no good. Then I thought I could text Difficult Child with the info., bit decided against anymore contact, I will try to call police next time.
Older son called to check on things this morning, I explained what happened and I started crying. Older son said "mom do not let him in you are doing the right thing, this is going to be incredibly very very hard but I am here for you and dad and I am coming by after work."
I don't know if Difficult Child is really that distraught or just trying to get to me like my sister thinks. I know what it's like to be in that black hole and thinking no hope and only way out is suicide. I also no what it is like to lose someone close to suicide. I do not know what to do..... I do not want my Difficult Child to kill himself and yet I cannot help, that does not make any sense but it is true. Why do I feel like this is my fault?
Thank you for listening to an emotional mess this morning.
I can feel your pain and anguish, it breaks my heart for you. I know the awful pit in your stomach, like it is being ripped out of you. I know that you just want to take him in your arms and let him in and make everything better. I felt that so many times. When he is ready to change you will know it. And then you will be there with support for his recovery. Continue to tell him you will be there for him when he truly wants to change, when he decides for sure he no longer wants to live like this.
I'm sending all the strength I can for you in this very difficult time.
I'm sending all the strength I can for you in this very difficult time.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Oh Hopeful, I am so, so sorry for this pain and hardship.
My niece was a d c. Many years. Her parents went through a much longer time allowing her to live at home. She was a terrible mess. Breaking things in the house, swearing at her mom, partying.
I saw her a few months ago, she has been clean for awhile. She said " The only way I got clean was when my parents finally kicked me out."
This is so hard. I am glad you have your sister and son.
You are doing the right thing Hopeful. Stay strong. Your life cannot go back to what it was.
Our d c's know there are shelters out there, they do not want to follow rules, plain and simple.
Praying for your strength and peace.
Hang in there girl, you got this.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
My niece was a d c. Many years. Her parents went through a much longer time allowing her to live at home. She was a terrible mess. Breaking things in the house, swearing at her mom, partying.
I saw her a few months ago, she has been clean for awhile. She said " The only way I got clean was when my parents finally kicked me out."
This is so hard. I am glad you have your sister and son.
You are doing the right thing Hopeful. Stay strong. Your life cannot go back to what it was.
Our d c's know there are shelters out there, they do not want to follow rules, plain and simple.
Praying for your strength and peace.
Hang in there girl, you got this.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hopeful,
I wanted to tell you I am sorry that I did not see your thread sooner, but belatedly want to say a few words of support.
You are doing everything right. The only thing I would do differently is make even greater distance until your and your husband's health stabilizes.
The lack of empathy seems characteristic of our children. I do not know if it is drugs or what. But it is typical. Do not take it personally.
If he speaks about suicide, call the police. He must learn that he cannot go there, without your taking it seriously.
What he is saying and doing is typical. My son did every one of these things. As long as they see their own power and possibility and productivity in you...outside of themselves...they will not change. Every single thing you do or say...to reinforce his responsibility for himself and his choices, helps him. Every single thing you say or do for him hurts him.
What he is doing is heartless and cruel in the effects. But I do not believe the intention is this. He is pulling out all of the stops so that you do not change...so that he will not have to.
Take care. Keep posting. We understand. We have lived it too.
COPA
I wanted to tell you I am sorry that I did not see your thread sooner, but belatedly want to say a few words of support.
You are doing everything right. The only thing I would do differently is make even greater distance until your and your husband's health stabilizes.
The lack of empathy seems characteristic of our children. I do not know if it is drugs or what. But it is typical. Do not take it personally.
If he speaks about suicide, call the police. He must learn that he cannot go there, without your taking it seriously.
What he is saying and doing is typical. My son did every one of these things. As long as they see their own power and possibility and productivity in you...outside of themselves...they will not change. Every single thing you do or say...to reinforce his responsibility for himself and his choices, helps him. Every single thing you say or do for him hurts him.
What he is doing is heartless and cruel in the effects. But I do not believe the intention is this. He is pulling out all of the stops so that you do not change...so that he will not have to.
Take care. Keep posting. We understand. We have lived it too.
COPA
