Changing the mindset of victimhood....

[Liahona]

Thank-you dreamer and Janet for your different perspectives. I hadn't thought of the survivor issues that way before. I do feel weak and want someone to take care of me. I don't want the PTSD or the memories or the current abuse difficult child is going through. But, for someone to say that I'm strong, I'm a survivor means a great deal to me. Its like they are saying you can get through this, I belive in you, I love you. More like a cheering section for someone they know is struggling than a declaration of "bring on more I can take it." I guess this is why everyone's struggle to function and have somewhat normal emotions after abuse is different. I don't mean to offend anyone with what I have posted and I'm not offended by anyone elses posts. I'm glad to see someone elses very valuable point of view.

 

[timer lady]

dreamer - hope you don't mind if I substitute playing piano for smelling the roses. It's my favorite therapeutic "me" time. :smile:

 

[dreamer]

emilyislost- I can understand and appreciate your point of view. and no, I am not offended. Possibly for me I might interpret people saying"you are strong" AS TheIR way OF SAYING- do this yourself, on your own, don't bother us" - so instead of being encouraigingg, supportive or cheering me on, it might feel more like abandnonment,- or like if i FlOUnder I have let them down. (I am not sure)

And yes timerlady- whatever feels good for you is perfect. or for the kids. GAB pleasure along the way- we only live once and even if are working hard onour issues and growth we still should do our best to live and enjoy
I got a guitar for mothers dya last year - and finally saved to start lessons
I always wanted to.

 

[dreamer]

I was just thinking cuz I was posting at another site about something----
My son. His eye.
For the last 14 months, very often we have spent as much as 3 days a week at the teaching university 5 hours away cuz of his darned eye. we have known since his last surgery last march that there was no hope of saving the vision. At that point my son wanted to docs to remove his eye. His reason? He is more than just an eye. There is a whole life out there to live. He is missing the here and now and Life is moving along while he sits in the hospital.
He is frustrated and wants to move on. "stop trying to fix me, I am fine just how I am, but you are making me miss life and I cannot get back this time"
Truth is, yes, he has learned to live in spite of the problem......His eye surgeon is hyperfocused on just his eye and not remembering there is more to life.
THats what made me say stop and smell the roses. Not just you but also kt and wm.
Yeah I spilled my um.....dark past here..but-------while it does sometimes come bite me......most of the time, I have learned how to live life anyway. Kids especially are more resilient than we might think. and more adaptable and flexible. There is a whole world out there and they might want to be part of it.
Maybe not.I do not claim to know-----just food for thought.

 

[totoro]

This thread has obviously made a lot of us think about our pasts... I wonder how things would have been different for those of us that were abused, sexually, physically, mentally, if we had help as children? I am pretty sure Dreamer, Janet and I had no help until we seeked it out in our adult years.
I walked around in a fog pretty much most of my teens and early twenties. I filled my head with drugs and anyone who would spend time with me... I know Dreamer and I have shared a bit of our deranged youth and it is hard at times to be forced to feel strong...
When someone tells me if the things that happend to me happended to someone else they would not have survived... I always say one never knows. We seem to rise to the occasion. We find a way to live day to day, even if that is in a fog. For me the fog just gradually lifted as I found things I enjoyed- sports,reading,friends,college,environment,husband,my kids. But it took a long time and lots of mistakes. I think it was a fine line I was walking I could have gone either way, luckily I found the right path.
I look at my brother and even though he makes good money, he has not let go of any of the past. He has not come to terms with it. He will not aknowledge it and he remains angry and a drunk. He is abusive and lost.
I try to think that everything that has happened to me is what formed the person I am and forms the person I will be. I try to turn that into a good thing. I learned these things on my own, I don't know if they could have been taught???
I cring when people say I have a difficult child maybe 2 because I am strong enough to help them... WHY!!! They are trying to be nice but because I have suffered I am better at dealing with more??? Sometimes you want to scream no more OK! But we don't and we keep going and I hope the tweedles will find this in them also...

They are having a better intermission than most of us here and I think some of us turned out pretty darn good!!!
You are doing a good thing...