I studied education back in the 70s when the attitude was swinging away from the beleif that learning problems were hereditary (or non-existent) and that environment played an important part. Environment was all, in fact. My sister adopted two children when each was over 6 months old. They each had a rough start but she was told that if she gave them a loving, consistent home that all the early problems would simply vanish away. Not true.
It's not all genetic. It's not all environmental. We are all a mixture. Your father is under the influence of beliefs common in his generation. Be prepared for him to be hostile to the idea of any psychiatric/psychologist involvement, ebcause his generation also believes that it's all mumbo jumbo. My mother in law is a retired nurse whose atrtitude to mental health professions is very begative, because in her day it WAS a very inexact science, often very famaging. Not these days.
It's late at night here, I can only put some comments together in brief. I'll post more when I have more time.
But just quickly - you are the main focus of his raging and you wonder why - it's because you are his mother, he knows you love him and he feels safe with you. Life is difficult for him, it doesn't come as easy for him as it does for others and he gets angry and resentful very easily, and can't handle it. He can't let it go with everyone, but with you he feels safe. You will still love him.
WHat to do - you've already had a neuropsychologist recommended. Go for it. The ODD diagnosis is simply descritpive and is the outward manifestation of something else going on inside. ODD isn't the cause of his explosive nature and lack of impulse control. Neither is it bad parenting - why are your other kids OK?
But there are things you can do in the meantime, to begin to effect change NOW.
If you've been reading your way around the site, you will have stumbled onto a commonly-recommended book, "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. You ask what techniques you can use to handle him - read the book. If you can't get your hands on a copy for a few days, then Google it. Read our discussions on the book on this site - go to Early Childhood forum and read the stickies there. If you van, make a special trip to the library if you can, and get a copy from them.
There are also other books you wiull get recommended, I have read a lot of books too. Many boooks help me understand my kids better. But only this one gives me a roadmap back to sanity and a different (and effective at last) method of handling my problem child.
It's not a cure, at all. But it has helped me finally see my way through, to have the resources and energy to at last fight my way through out of the woods. Instead of being lost in the dark and trapped in a tangle of brambles, suddenly the trees have parted and I'm walking through the woods but on a wide gravel path.
Finally - this is also in the book, but I'm reinforcing this. You need to not try any discipline method that isn't working. Dump it. It's better to not attempt discipline, than to attempt it and fail to make it work. Choose your battles.
And take notes. Write stuff down, keep a computer diary. Log everything. Try to go back in your memory and make notes.
A lot of the raging etc is about his need to control what is happening to him and around him. With discipline, parents try to assert control. With kids like this, that's like a red rag to a bull. But often, we don't need to control our kids as much as we try to, there are areas where we can let the child have what he wants, because it's not a huge issue for us really. PPLus when we stop assering our own controls and let natural consequences do a lot of discipline for us, we are no longer the big bogeyman trying to contrl our child. To the child, out attempts to control can simply look like bullying, like we're bigger than them and we're just trying to prove that we're exerting this. So try to change your mindset form a position of "I must stay in control, I must be obviously in charge" towards a position of being his helper, his facilitator, instead. Again, the book helps.
An example I often use regarding how to use natural consequences - your kid wants to run outside and play in the snow. You could stand at the door and say, "You are not to go outside without your coat!" An impulsive child will be too desperate to go out and play; the delay in putting on a coat is getting in the way of fun NOW. And you are also standing in the way. As a result, his response is likely to be oppositional - he doesn't want his coat, he's not cold, he can do without, get out of the way. And the more you try to insist, the more he will rage and the bigger his investment in insiting he doesn't need his coat.
But if you don't make a big deal of it, if you just let him rush out - he will quickly feel the cold and once the cold is greater than the fun component, he will be back inside. Meanwhile if you have anticcipated, and are standing at the door ready to hand him his coat - you have what you wanted. He has what he needs, and he saw that YOU provided it. You didn't make a fuss about it so at no stage was it a "child vs parent" struggle. In fact, it was "child needed parental help and appreciated it" situation.
Another option you could have tried - the child is rushing out into the snow. Instead of saying, "Not without your coat!" you could say, "Which coat do you want - the red one or the blue one?"
The child has choice, has has not been "ordered around" but common sense is prevailing.
It's a matter of keeping your eye on the further goal. This isn't always easy when the child's behaviour has us on the ropes and we have become purely reflexive, reactive only. To best handle a chhild like this we need to be proactive and to also constantly watch to lay groundwork. We try to avoid confrontation but in ways which are heading towards raging. However, when the child is calmer we work towards resolving problems and planning ahead for any issues we might anticipate. We teach when we can, we pull back when it's causing problems. But always we are worknig towards helping our child learn better ways.
We need to get inside the kids' heads to do this, again the book helps there.
These methods will also work for easy child kids. For kids you teach. For a wide range of situations. These methods also can make your life easier, not more difficult. They don't need to involve charts, stickers, etc (not unless you want to include them as part of a mutually-agreed reward scheme). You take what you can use and toss out the rest.
And you can begin this any time you're ready. You don't need an expert to show you how. Of course, all expert advice is worth considering, they cna always add to the wisdom needed. But you need to recognise the wisdom and capability in yourself too (and also in your child - he doesn't want to be a bad kid, few kids do).
You can do this yourself, at leats to make a start.
It always comes doewn to us, and to the child, when we're trying to resolve behaviour issues and learning problems. experts can advise, they can suggest, they can even set up therapy. But we need to follow through and practice stuff ourselves too. And it's a team effort, always.
Gotta go. Bedtime is way past.
Help is here, so many of us can recognise our own families in your descriptions.
Welcome. Stick around. Pick our brains, dump on us when you need to. I'll be back when I've caught up on sleep etc.
Marg