Coping with addicted, homeless adult daughter

[Nomad]

My son lives as he chooses.

This is so true. We are having "issues" with our daughter's constant moving. Ironically, her biological mother constantly moves. I recall nicknaming the woman a "Nomad" (ironic, I know). Anyway, now our daughter does this and with each move, she loses much of her personal belongings, deposits, etc. It's happening again right now. My husband once joked (sort of) that she has moved 100 times. I thought that was a big exaggeration. Well, when I reflect back on it..it probably truly was 80-90 times and now it really is 100+.. IT's what she chooses to do. I can't seem to stop it...although I've tried. "It's what she chooses to do." Good point.

Today a woman I know told me her 55-year-old son who has been an alcoholic since he was 10 years old stopped drinking. A lifelong atheist (my patient is a devout catholic) he told his Mom, I decided I didn't want to drink anymore and I asked G-d to help me. I am turning to G-d for help. Miracles _happen. But often parents of adults, need to get out of the way.

I went to a meeting or two "back in the day" as the kids say. OUr daughter is in her 30s and I would estimate she was a teenager when I went. There was a couple there with a son in his 50s who lived in their house. I will NEVER forget listening to them. Son had bipolar disorder and perhaps other mental illnesses as well . They felt practically trapped in their home. They rarely went out both together and when they did, it wasn't for long periods of time. They were afraid of him and every day their lives were mega stressed and awful. They appeared to be well in their seventies. I thought to myself "that will never happen to me." I also thought to myself, I hope he gets much better or at least leaves to give them some peace. I do believe God can work miracles, and this family needed one.

DAD....regarding dwelling on your mistakes, I've done that a lot and fortunately, am doing it less and less as time goes on. I know I wasn't perfect...but nobody is. I know in my heart I tried very hard to do the best I knew how to help our daughter and at times when things repeatedly failed, I would say to myself that I just haven't tried hard enough, or I just wasn't creative enough. I realize now that this was futile. A few things that are abundantly clear with our daughter is she is unwell. This is not my fault...never was, never can be, never will be. Additionally, something that I see repeatedly with our daughter and many here is this lack of appreciation. Sometimes I think if they simply appreciated the help they often get from their parents, perhaps they would put in a little more personal effort. I don't think they appreciate it, sometimes resent it, are quick to feel entitled. I did meet a young alcoholic once who humbly told me (I think he was sincere, but with drug abuse, one never knows) that he felt not only was he going to need psychological help, but he felt he would need spiritual help as well with his addiction. It was very touching and I suspect very true. I felt much hope for him. All this is up to them...you can't do it for them.

 

[Beta]

Hi Copa, yes I’m still here most every day. I’m okay, but have been struggling with being estranged from my daughter. It’s easy to dwell on my mistakes in the past as I try to guess exactly why she won’t respond to my occasional Facebook messages to her (the only way I know how to reach her). Is it my fault? Is it her addictions? Something else? All of the above? People tell me I tend to overthink, and that may be true here. I saw that Beta was able to communicate with her son in Phoenix, the impressive effort she made to do so, and I’m happy for her (though sad it didn’t turn out better…at least in the short term… maybe it will be good in the end, who knows ). But it makes me sad for my own situation, and causes me to consider how, if, or when I should try contacting her again. I don’t even know what to say to her anymore. Anyway, I keep busy and have much to be grateful for in my life too, so I try to focus on that. Thanks for asking! How are you?

Midst, welcome to the forum and I encourage you to stay and keep posting. I admire you and your husband’s devotion to your grandchildren, and I’m praying for you and for them.

Dad,
I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with the grief of being estranged from your daughter. Is it your fault? Is it her addictions? Well, who knows. Josh goes to the main library in Phoenix, where they have a cooling center, almost every day from what I understand. He could easily message us anytime he wants, yet we've had nothing but five months of silence. I ask myself the same questions. The other day when he was cornered into talking to us on someone's phone, he said he would call us later. No phone call or message.

But, in moments of clarity, I know it's not my (our) fault, and it's not your fault either. It's easy to see, just from your posts, that you are a loving dad, and it's normal and reasonable to feel sadness at the absence of our adult child in our lives. Just wanted to say that your feelings are shared by us all, and we grieve with you. May God minister His peace and comfort to you this moment.

 

[Dad34]

Hi Copa, Nomad, and Beta. Thank you so much for your kind responses, wise insights, and prayers for peace and comfort. As strange as it may seem, I hadn't considered that I was self-flagellating or doing penance, which I don't believe is productive in this instance (if ever). Rather, I need to accept God's grace and also forgive myself for any mistakes I made along the way. I did the best I could as a working, single dad under very trying conditions during her rebelliousness, which started at a young age, and what more can anyone do? Thank you for jolting me out of that mindset.

Wouldn't you know that after all of my pining over being estranged from my daughter, today I received a call from an "unknown" number. I never answer calls from numbers I don't recognize, but I wondered if that call was from her because no number was listed. Afterwards a message was left and it was from a jail (the message wasn't from her, but an automated message from the jail). I went to their website and there was my daughter's mugshot, arrested today for DUI, obstructing a peace officer, and refusing to submit to pretest. Instantly my tension skyrocketed and all the memories of receiving calls from her when she was in crisis flooded my mind, and suddenly I trembled at the thought of talking to her. What a strange tension...wanting to talk to her, not wanting to talk to her.

I was reading from a post from ANewLife4Me and New Leaf, where they decided to refuse calls from jail from their adult addicted children, in order to preserve their own health and welfare, and that is how I feel. My daughter is a master at fast-talking manipulation and often sets me on my heals, and I just am not ready for it. I hope they keep her in jail and maybe this will finally be an opportunity for her to turn around. At least I know she is alive. Her mugshot was heartbreaking, she looks so rough. I am praying for her though, maybe this is what she needs.

Again, thank you for sharing your stories and your wisdom that you have gained from your experiences. It reminds me I'm not alone in this nightmare. You all are obviously loving parents who struggle with the same emotions that I do, and I thank God you are here, and am grateful for you.

 

[MommaTried24]

Instantly my tension skyrocketed and all the memories of receiving calls from her when she was in crisis flooded my mind, and suddenly I trembled at the thought of talking to her. What a strange tension...wanting to talk to her, not wanting to talk to her.

I was reading from a post from ANewLife4Me and New Leaf, where they decided to refuse calls from jail from their adult addicted children, in order to preserve their own health and welfare, and that is how I feel. My daughter is a master at fast-talking manipulation and often sets me on my heals, and I just am not ready for it. I hope they keep her in jail and maybe this will finally be an opportunity for her to turn around. At least I know she is alive. Her mugshot was heartbreaking, she looks so rough. I am praying for her though, maybe this is what she needs

Dad, I have so felt exactly this same way. Wanting to talk to my son yet not wanting to talk to him. In jail again is obviously zero growth and still doing the same thing. That in itself told me I don't want to talk to him yet. Not like this and definitely, most definitely knowing I still need to protect myself. I can really relate to the heartbreaking mugshots yet grateful knowing they're alive and then relief that I at least we know exactly where they are, that they're safe and can't drink.

I hope you can at least somehow relax and rest well tonight knowing she's ok. May God bless you and this entire situation. I'm keeping you and your daughter in my prayers that this will be the time she gets help and turns her life around.

 

[Beta]

I too have the same emotions--I want to talk to Josh but it's such an unpleasant experience and brings into stark contrast how he is now versus the past. I can relate to how you felt at seeing your daughter's mugshot.

 

[Copabanana]

wanting to talk to her, not wanting to talk to her.

Dad, I have so felt exactly this same way.

I too have the same emotions--I

Me too.

 

[lovemysons]

Dad…I have seen a mugshot like that with one of my sons too. Heartbreaking and embarrassing as our former Pastor saw it too.

I hope and pray your daughter will turn her life around one of these days soon.

I understand not taking a call from your daughter.
You must take care of your own sanity and emotional wellbeing as I know full well from my own experience after losing my mind when my sons were in the thick of it.

Hang in there and keep posting. We’re here for you.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Dad
I haven't seen your posts for a couple of weeks. Not to badger you, but how are you doing?

 

[Dricent]

I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. I’ve been through something similar with a family member, and it’s beyond tough. Watching someone you love struggle with addiction can feel like you’re constantly on edge, trying to balance your hope and your own mental health. It’s heartbreaking and exhausting.

I’ve found that focusing on my own well-being and setting boundaries, even though it’s incredibly hard, has helped me cope better. It’s okay to take a step back and care for yourself, even if it feels like you’re not doing enough. You’re not alone in this, and sometimes just sharing your story or connecting with others who understand can make a difference. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

 

[Dad34]

Thank you for all of your kind, compassionate responses. I value all of you, and your thoughts, so much. And it's helpful to know I'm not alone in this.

Copa, you are not badgering me at all. I appreciate your concern. I have been keeping very busy lately, which is good on the one hand because it helps keep my mind off or my daughter's situation. But on the other hand, she is never far from my thoughts, which can quickly go in a depressing direction, and I have to redirect my thoughts to the many blessings in my life...even as I continue to pray for her daily.

My daughter somehow managed to get out of jail and I'm not sure how. Her mother usually won't talk with me, but I was finally able to get through to and talk with her on the phone, and she hadn't bailed her out of jail. Nor did I bail her out, because I believed she was better off in jail than back on the streets. Apparently her bail was reduced from $500 to $250. Who knows how she pulled it off.

During the week she was in jail, she did try to call me a few times, especially the last three days, probably after she realized her mother wasn't going to help her this time. On those last three days, she sporadically blew up my phone, always when I was either in business meetings, or with other people when it would have been awkward to step away, and lastly when I was in the dentist chair. Of course, even though it would have been disruptive, I could have stepped away and answered, but I knew what I was likely to get...she would want me to pay bail and was going to give me a hard time if I said no. I finally tried to call her back, but the jail wouldn't put me through to her. They said I had to sign up for some kind of app and pay and I didn't really want to go that route, so I decided I would answer the next time she called. Then, she abruptly stopped calling. A couple of days later her mother texted to say our daughter had been released from jail but she didn't know how it happened. I haven't heard from my daughter since.

I have tried to communicate with her on FaceBook, but with no response. So, how bad did she really want to talk with me? In the aftermath, I wrestle. I feel bad that I didn't answer; maybe she just wanted to talk, ask for emotional support, and tell me she really wants to get better in rehab this time. Maybe she is hurt now that I didn't answer her phone calls from jail and thinks I don't love her.

BUT, I also know that for my own sanity and health, I needed to prepare myself for and protect myself from what likely would have been a barrage of casting blame on me for not caring about her, guilt tripping for not paying her bail, etc. I just didn't know if I could take that. It's so sad. I saw online that her court date is in late August. I have thought about trying to go to it but should I? It is 3 hours away and it's possible she may not even show up, but of course I would go in a heartbeat if I thought I could help somehow. Guess I have a little time to ponder that.

It feels vulnerable to say all this but I am so thankful this is a place where we can share with folks who understand, who have been or are going through the same terrible nightmares. Blessings to you all.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Dad…this may be divine intervention.

Not long ago my husband was contacted by an old old teenage buddy of his that was nothing but trouble. This old buddy left a voicemail and I asked my husband if he was calling him back. He said, “yes, when I get around to it.” The next day my husband lost his phone.

No doubt in my mind that God intervened.

So even though you are left with some questions and you don’t know where your daughter is at the moment, I think it is good that you’re not in the picture right now. As hard as it is for you, you may just have to trust God’s timing and plan.

I will pray for your daughter and you as I have before.

Thinking of you.
Love,
LMS

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Dad.

Please give yourself a break. Sometimes I dread when I see my son calling. Most of the time it's manipulation. That happens as early as a week into the month when his SSI money is gone. He decides he loves us and that we're "Family" when the money runs out. Yesterday I told him that. Even though my partner, M, was amenable to letting him return, I felt otherwise. I told him point blank that I knew it was manipulation. He responded with a text: "Please believe that I am never visiting you again, nor will you be visiting me." "Thank you for your kind thoughts" was my response. He did apologize.

I mean, Dad, we should be saying rah, rah, rah, when we're abused? Give.me.a.break. You're only human.

It needs to be okay that we feel what we feel and we think what we think.

 

[Nomad]

The similarity is always so interesting to me.
Our daughter ALWAYS starts calling us more and speaks of family more mid to end of month when her disability money runs out. HOWEVER, there are a nice handful of months this happens literally a week into the month.
The idea of "family" becomes important to her when she is manipulating and it's obvious. When she wants something ...usually money or an invite to Christmas. AND the extra sick part is if she does get an invite to something like Christmas, you can pretty much guarantee she will be extraordinarily difficult and make all around her extremely stressed/miserable/anxious.

 

[Dad34]

Hi LMS, Copa, and Nomad,
Thank you for being voices of reason. The thought did occur to me it could be divine intervention because the timing of when she stopped calling seemed more than coincidental. And in honesty, it was more peaceful than finding myself in another likely firestorm if she had called again. The similarities between your stories and mine helps me realize my suspicions of her motives for calling were not unreasonable, and probably spot on. There’s a verse in the Psalms that says “do not fret, it tends only to evil.” When will I learn? Thank you for your prayers and please know I am praying for you all too.

 

[Be@peace]

This coming Wednesday, Sept. 25th, it will be 8 years since my homeless son died of a meth overdose. It is hard to believe that this much time has gone by already. We tried everything but, sadly, his addictions controlled him. Have a family member whose son has been in over 60 rehabs yet he still succumbs to his addiction. It's so hard for people who have never dealt with a homeless, addicted child to understand why/how we can not have them come home or find yet another rehab. Bottom line ( at least to the way I believe) is they have to want sobriety and that's totally up to them. As an old saying goes "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". My heartfelt sympathies to everyone who is/has dealing with this. My personal consolation is "he's in a better place". Life was always a struggle for him - ADHD, learning disabilities, Tourette syndrome, Bipolar and addictions.

 

[MommaTried24]

So very sorry for your loss Be@peace. Prayers for you and your family.

 

[Dad34]

I am also sorry for your loss, Be@peace. In a very real sense, we lose our children when they succumb to addiction, but it must be very painful when they die from it. Your description of the problem that so many of us with addicted children face was well stated. May God help us find peace as we sail through these turbulent waters, even if in part because we know there are others here and elsewhere who do understand.

 

[Kat9]

Hi New Leaf,
Your analogy is helpful, to stop "Reeling the Tapes" of happier times when our adult, addict children were young. It's good to be grateful for the time we had with them when they were children, but we can't stay stuck there if we want to live our best lives here in the present. There's an old 80's song that says "to the heart and mind, ignorance is kind; it's easy to pretend". Being stuck in the past is like trying to find comfort by pretending things are like they were then. But that only makes the present more difficult when reality comes back into focus or the next crisis slaps us in the face. I'm so glad we can find joy in what we had (and in other good things we have now), and that that joy can only be stolen from us by the present if we allow it. The choice is ours.

Amen to that. I need to remember this too, especially when the next crisis rears its ugly head. In the fog of war, it is easy to forget these lessons we've learned and share on this website, and insanity seems to be an accurate description of how I often felt when I continued to try and continued to fail. Prayer and "Let Go, Let God" is far better.

I think you are right, and I probably misspoke when I said I must accept her status as an addict. A more accurate word would be "detach". I must detach emotionally from the destructive consequences of her addiction, while accepting that I can't change her choices.

I'm sorry for your loss too. I didn't realize you had lost your husband. How hard that must have been. But I agree with your statements about grieving over the loss of our loved ones who are living vs those who were lost in death, and I appreciate your reminder that we as parents have the choice to get off the hellish roller coaster of fearing and being depressed over our addicted children's destructive choices, both past and potentially future.

Fearing the worst case scenarios almost destroyed me. I was sad and sometimes in despair about her situation and afraid of hearing the phone ring and hearing the next bad news. As I said earlier, it's so easy to slip back into that fearful mindset, and keeping free from it, or at least not being paralyzed by it, requires constant vigilance...thinking about good vs. bad, being grateful, praying, taking refuge in God.

Thanks again, New Leaf. Praying for your children and grandchildren.

This is an old post. But I identify with it today. I’m grieving my 50 yo daughter’s destruction and replaying her childhood in my head before she got herself all twisted up.

 

[LetGo]

This is an old post. But I identify with it today. I’m grieving my 50 yo daughter’s destruction and replaying her childhood in my head before she got herself all twisted up.

Hi Kat9, I identify with it, too. I grieve the "if only", and fear the future for my daughter. I realize that I truly did everything within my parental tool box and beyond with the help of professionals for her. She was on a relatively good path for who she was until she decided to leave the area and reunite with her birth mother. The "if only" was a pipe dream from long ago....given who she is, things never would have been easy with her. That is a sad but true statement for me to make. I only hoped that she could have found peace for herself. I feel sorry for her for the choices that she has made. I will see (or maybe I won't see) how her future goes. For now, I move on, am surrounded by those that I love and love me and enjoy my life. Allow yourself to grieve but also allow yourself to enjoy. Hugs, LetGo

 

[Copabanana]

My son came to my town yesterday. Despite a tortured history together the past 13 or so years he assumed he would stay with me, contrary to everything in our past experience. He sent a text from the train (paraphrased) that said, I'll be home, like good old times, me sitting and reading a book in the living room and you in your room at the computer.

This may be literally true. But even still it's a fantasy.

Well. i don't remember it like that. I remember hiding out in my room. I remember being sick to my stomach. Writhing in pain. Calling the cops to get him out. Raiding the fridge and leaving food and filth all over. And on and on.

I told him. You can't come here. I get sick. It will be the same old thing. You didn't even ask.

So, he hears it instrumentally. Saying, if I'd only asked. He misses the point, of being responsible for his choices, his conduct. Having to take into account the effects on another person, namely me.

I am pushed into a person I don't want to be, in order to save my own life. I can understand my son needing, wanting refuge, with the fantasy that everything will be comfortable and loving and blissful at home. But I can't give him that. Not at the expense of my own life. This is the situation we are all of us in. And it is a terrible one.

In the late afternoon I spoke to a friend from Chicago on the phone, I was so tired. I couldn't help falling asleep it must have been 530. And I woke up at 10 pm thinking it was morning. Now I am worried I have sundowner syndrome with Alzheimers. But it's just as likely or more that I am wiped out emotionally.

When we got home from taking me to the dentist this afternoon, apparently we didn't see my son in the street near the hospital. He called, to ask M if we were ignoring him. What a life. My son has something missing in his brain, that he is accountable for his own conduct, and that reciprocity exists. That we are not cardboard cutout figures. That to be a mother, or a son, both requires something but also costs something, and they are not ever-renewal resources, that exist no matter what. I am depleted. I just am. And I feel very sad.