Coping with adult daughter Borderline (BPD)

Mamacat

Active Member
Kathryn, I've just found your posts. I too deal with a difficult daughter. I have 2 granddaughters 8 and 6 who I'm not able to see because i didn't do what she wanted. She has taken them 1000 miles away. All I can do is trust that they are being taken care of. I too am building a support for myself, reading books and this website. I've also signed up for borderline central.com. take care of yourself,cry when you need to, know that there are others who understand.
 

Kathryn

New Member
Kathryn, I've just found your posts. I too deal with a difficult daughter. I have 2 granddaughters 8 and 6 who I'm not able to see because i didn't do what she wanted. She has taken them 1000 miles away. All I can do is trust that they are being taken care of. I too am building a support for myself, reading books and this website. I've also signed up for borderline central.com. take care of yourself,cry when you need to, know that there are others who understand.

Thank you so much, Amann, for your comments. My heart aches for you and your 'loss' - being unable to interact with our grandchildren is so terribly cruel. My daughter is on her 'roller coaster' at the moment - and because she relies on me for 'babysitting' (she continues to lose jobs, and cannot afford to hire babysitters), I am able to see my grandson. I realize all too well that this can and will change the next time she decides to lash out at me. Through your words, and those of others (along with therapy and reading) I am learning how to "communicate" with my daughter - VERY CAREFULLY! - and how to maintain a healthy distance in order to salvage my sanity. As I've said in earlier comments, I am beginning a new full-time job next week - and while I do not relish the fact that I must work to survive, I realize it may be a blessing in disguise. Having my days taken up with work related tasks and stresses, will definitely take my mind off these continuing crises with my daughter. I pray that you may find some peace and resolution (even if only temporary) in the near future. There is definite comfort in numbers. Warmest wishes and hugs~~
 

Mamacat

Active Member
Thank you so much, Amann, for your comments. My heart aches for you and your 'loss' - being unable to interact with our grandchildren is so terribly cruel. My daughter is on her 'roller coaster' at the moment - and because she relies on me for 'babysitting' (she continues to lose jobs, and cannot afford to hire babysitters), I am able to see my grandson. I realize all too well that this can and will change the next time she decides to lash out at me. Through your words, and those of others (along with therapy and reading) I am learning how to "communicate" with my daughter - VERY CAREFULLY! - and how to maintain a healthy distance in order to salvage my sanity. As I've said in earlier comments, I am beginning a new full-time job next week - and while I do not relish the fact that I must work to survive, I realize it may be a blessing in disguise. Having my days taken up with work related tasks and stresses, will definitely take my mind off these continuing crises with my daughter. I pray that you may find some peace and resolution (even if only temporary) in the near future. There is definite comfort in numbers. Warmest wishes and hugs~~


Today was a difficult day. I wonder if I will see my granddaughters again. I wonder if they wonder where grandma is and if she still loves them. My oldest granddaughter has a birthday on Monday. I've never missed a birthday. This will be the first one. I sent gifts to her friends house since I don't have an address for her . my heart is breaking!
 

JaneBetty

Active Member
Amann, I'm sorry you're hurting and missing your grandchildren. Sometimes dealing with the unknown is so hard in life, and you have made plain your love for your grandchildren.
I hope you hear something from them soon.
 

Mamacat

Active Member
Amann, I'm sorry you're hurting and missing your grandchildren. Sometimes dealing with the unknown is so hard in life, and you have made plain your love for your grandchildren.
I hope you hear something from them soon.

I hope I hear from them soon also. I'm trying to have faith and be patient. I send lots of love vibes their direction. I'm hoping they don't think I've abandoned therm or that I don't love them.
 

Kathryn

New Member
It's been many months since I've shared with all of you regarding my 31-yr old daughter (Borderline (BPD)). As of 11/01/16, I began working a full-time job (out of financial necessity), and endure a ridiculous long commute everyday as well. I'm almost 70 - and I can't believe I continue to ALLOW my daughter's behavior to drag me down & take over MY life! I know that all of you have experienced the same pain and anguish, and are STILL going through this living hell. I guess it doesn't stop until the Borderline (BPD) actually recognizes the illness & seeks help. Realistically, I know that won't happen anytime soon. Those of you who are also dealing with grandchildren (who are used as leverage by the Borderline (BPD)) understand the complete feeling of helplessness when it comes to those young innocents.

My daughter & 7-yr old grandson, have been living with her 'boyfriend' for the past year and a half. As predicted, that relationship has totally failed, and he wants them out of the house. Like many of your daughters, mine has jerked my grandson around from home to home, a couple of states, has lived with me on several occasions (which always turned out to be disastrous), and has never held down a job for more than 10 months. She has been unemployed for the past 8 months - and boyfriend wants them out of the house by July 1 (supposedly by mutual agreement and because it would take them through the end of my grandson's school year). Naturally, all her bravado about finding work and a place to live, is just hot air! She spends her days doing frivolous things, eating out (and God knows how she pays for most of this - she exists on meager child support and food stamps), and in short, living a life of relative luxury. But, yet I am the villain because I will not let my daughter & grandson move in with me!

Trust me, my heart would let them in a minute. And I would take care of my grandson completely without hesitation. But, I know that I must practice "tough love" and be firm. It is killing me - but my reasonable brain says that I should not let this affect me this way. Some days I just feel paralyzed by grief and sadness. I know that she is spreading vicious stories to her so-called friends (who will traditionally disappear within a year or less) saying that I'm turning away her "child and grandchild".

Thank you for allowing me to pour out my heart. I feel great comfort just in knowing that I'm "not alone". Even though I don't check this 'thread' frequently (I'm just so utterly exhausted after working 40-hour weeks!), please know that I am here to listen to you should you wish to share. We are truly blessed to have each other - even if we have to be united by such excruciating pain.
Kathryn
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
Kathryn,

I am in the same boat as you, and my prayers and thoughts are with you. I understand how hard it is to hold the line. I have a 36 year old borderline daughter with a 5 year old and now a 3 month old. She does not take any advice, but then uses FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate me. When I keep my boundaries, I am filled with tremendous anxiety because she is in danger of becoming homeless and, I imagine, likely to lose her children. When I give in and use my $ and also allow her to live with me, I am filled with resentment because she is verbally abusive. Either way, I feel as you do that it is 'killing me' as you say. This time she has left another a abuser and says that I should be proud of her for leaving, when in truth I told her she was making a very bad choice choosing to be with him and have another child. She just called me while I was writing this, then had to 'go' and said she would call back, and I feel sick to my stomach. I am 64, and this is not the life imagined. You will be in my thoughts. Take care of yourself.
 

Amethyst

New Member
Kathryn, I am going thru something similar with my 39 yr old daughter. As soon as I finally stopped giving her money, she stoppd talking to me totally. She says I have abandoned her and my grandson. I am learning thru reading, therapy and the wise advice given here to live my life and not wallow in guilt and regret.
 

Kathryn

New Member
Kathryn,

I am in the same boat as you, and my prayers and thoughts are with you. I understand how hard it is to hold the line. I have a 36 year old borderline daughter with a 5 year old and now a 3 month old. She does not take any advice, but then uses FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate me. When I keep my boundaries, I am filled with tremendous anxiety because she is in danger of becoming homeless and, I imagine, likely to lose her children. When I give in and use my $ and also allow her to live with me, I am filled with resentment because she is verbally abusive. Either way, I feel as you do that it is 'killing me' as you say. This time she has left another a abuser and says that I should be proud of her for leaving, when in truth I told her she was making a very bad choice choosing to be with him and have another child. She just called me while I was writing this, then had to 'go' and said she would call back, and I feel sick to my stomach. I am 64, and this is not the life imagined. You will be in my thoughts. Take care of yourself.


Oh, Acacia - my heart aches for you! If only our daughters had an inkling of the pain that they inflict on us!!! I'm sure you feel that there are many days, and hours, where you feel you just "can't take anymore!" But....somehow, we do and we keep on "doing" and "doing". It is such a vicious cycle. I too am glad that there are those of us who can relate to each other, and can truly empathize with all the dynamics of this hideous disorder! I began therapy for myself back in October - and between that, and anti-depressants, and this online community, I feel that I can muster the strength to keep going! I don't know if you have other children - I have two sons, 36 and 34. Thank God they are strong, stable and supportive (even though they have their own spouses and their own lives to manage). Coincidentally, they are both bipolar - but again, thankfully, managing very well and succeeding in life. They are my sunshine when I find myself in complete and utter despair. I hope that you have someone in your life who can give you that 'hope' of a calmer future. Please take care of yourself as well. xo
 

Kathryn

New Member
Kathryn, I am going thru something similar with my 39 yr old daughter. As soon as I finally stopped giving her money, she stoppd talking to me totally. She says I have abandoned her and my grandson. I am learning thru reading, therapy and the wise advice given here to live my life and not wallow in guilt and regret.

Amethys - I am so, sooo sorry that you are enduring this unwelcome suffering. It seems that no matter what we do - give them money, DON'T give them money, give them advice about boyfriends, DON'T give them advice about boyfriends - we're damned if we do and damned if we don't! It is totally exhausting at times. Yes, thankfully, between the wise advice on this online community, and the support of my sons, I am able to survive. As one of my sons said, we don't deserve to be treated this way - and we certainly don't deserve the verbal and emotional abuse. Keep trying to NOT take it personally - we all need to realize and acknowledge that we are NOT guilty of anything!!! Please take care of yourself xo
 

wisernow

wisernow
Welcome Kathryn. All of the above advice is wonderful. One thing to think about and hope for is that as you get stronger and well, the dance with your daughter will change significantly and she will likely change her reaction to you. And when boundaries are set your daughter will raise the ante as she is doing right now. Focus on yourself and reclaim your life...when you finally get to that beautiful waltz she will be looking on and will hopefully want to be part of it. Right now she is holding the cards and that gives her power. Its yours to reclaim and fight for! hugs to you!
 

Kathryn

New Member
Welcome Kathryn. All of the above advice is wonderful. One thing to think about and hope for is that as you get stronger and well, the dance with your daughter will change significantly and she will likely change her reaction to you. And when boundaries are set your daughter will raise the ante as she is doing right now. Focus on yourself and reclaim your life...when you finally get to that beautiful waltz she will be looking on and will hopefully want to be part of it. Right now she is holding the cards and that gives her power. Its yours to reclaim and fight for! hugs to you!

Wisernow - Thank you! Very wise words that I will certainly cherish and begin to act on. You've definitely presented me with a different perspective - and I like it! Thank you again. Warm wishes to you on your journey xo
 

rebelson

Active Member
@Kathryn Hi and I can feel your pain, I'm pretty sure that my son (24) has Borderline (BPD). We thought it was Bipolar, but since he's had some sober time, it's more evident that he fits more of the Borderline (BPD) criteria.
Just yesterday, I rec'd my new book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" from Amazon.
Hugs to you. I just try and take one.day.at.a.time.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
@Kathryn Hi and I can feel your pain, I'm pretty sure that my son (24) has Borderline (Borderline (BPD)). We thought it was Bipolar, but since he's had some sober time, it's more evident that he fits more of the Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) criteria.
Just yesterday, I rec'd my new book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" from Amazon.
Hugs to you. I just try and take one.day.at.a.time.

Hi rebel!

How have you been?
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
to live my life and not wallow in guilt and regret.
I almost cannot read this thread for the pain of it. For almost 4 years since the death of my mother I have been cycling in and out of grief, mourning, depression and despair. I keep trying to climb out only to fall back in again. When I fall back I question my whole life. Actually, even in better times I do that. No success or achievement gives pride or solace or the sense I lived well. No hurdle surmounted gives a sense of self worth or self-confidence. Just despair and self-doubt and wondering where all of this pain will lead and wanting it all to just stop, already.

I find myself remembering the work of Erik Erikson who described and named stages in adult development as a series of challenges to be met or not.

I believe that this is what makes our pain with our kids so impossibly difficult. Because their challenges dovetail with our own developmental challenges. I am remembering now an article I read more than 35 years ago: "Parenthood as a Developmental Stage", the thesis, this: it is not so much the problems we have with our children. It is the challenge presented to our core selves by their crises.

This is what gives our circumstances the profound power to either grow or fell us. This is why my life (and yours, and yours) has been so hard, and feels so rotten. The despair, I think, in better moments keeps presenting me with an opportunity to overcome. And why my life seems to serve up more and more of the same. Until I learn. Or not. What does not kill me makes me stronger. But sometimes the cure feels deadly.

So most of us are in Erikson's stage 7 or 8. Stage 7 from 40 to 65 years is about creating and building and raising (our kids, our careers, a relationship.) For those of us who feel we have failed with our kids or lost them, we are unable to resolve this stage in the normal way, I think. We may feel both mired in the problem and personally as if we do not "work" as people, as mothers.

Only to be hit at age 65 by stage 8 which centers upon reflecting upon our accomplishments and seeing our lives as "successful." Failing this we "feel guilt about our past, or feel that we did not accomplish our life goals, we become dissatisfied with life and develop despair, often leading to depression and hopelessness." Which pretty much describes me and how I feel.

Can we not see how the circumstances with our kids only reinforce and intensify this despair? Am I alone in this?

We come here to CD not just for counsel and advice. We come here personally stuck, drowning, despairing. It is so easy to feel that I momentarily "work" as a person by giving a smart reply to a post, momentarily forgetting that a mother is drowning in her grief, her sense of self battered and seeking as much or more a loving word, a hand, a hug, and a way to see herself and her life as meaningful, as worth it, as well-done and well-learned.

The reality is I do not believe I work as a person. I feel that any sense of accomplishment belies the truth: that I have failed and my life has failed. My dreams have failed. I do not work as a person or a mother. Or as a daughter. Any sense I ever worked was a fantasy, an illusion. That is the feeling.

Of course all of this pain can lead to a deepening of spiritual life but in the moments and hours and days of despair, when I fall back and back, I wonder if there will ever be a safety net for me.
 
Last edited:

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Oh, Copa, you think so wrong about yourself. Even if we dont always agree on everything, I know your heart is good and kind and caring and that you have been very successful. Family relationships can be very hard because of societal expectations and shows that are fantasy like The Brady Bunch.

Sounds like you are depressed which you know clouds your thinking. I felt like ypu whrn I was depressed.

Your post made me sadder than the other posts. So not true...
 

Acacia

Well-Known Member
Copa,

I hear your despair, but you have helped me with your generous words when I read your posts. You matter because you are you. You don't have to be anything but what you are to be worthy. Suffering leads to spiritual growth if we choose to learn, but you are right that it hurts. My favorite poem is my Gregory Orr, who at 10 accidently killed his 12 year old brother in a hunting accident.

Burden and Blesssing
Two blossoms on the same branch
Oh, to be so lost in this radiant wilderness

This is the life we have - always with joy and sorrow side by side.

With love to you, Kathryn and her posts, and to all who ease my burden by sharing theirs
 

february

Member
I almost cannot read this thread for the pain of it. For almost 4 years since the death of my mother I have been cycling in and out of grief, mourning, depression and despair. I keep trying to climb out only to fall back in again. When I fall back I question my whole life. Actually, even in better times I do that. No success or achievement gives pride or solace or the sense I lived well. No hurdle surmounted gives a sense of self worth or self-confidence. Just despair and self-doubt and wondering where all of this pain will lead and wanting it all to just stop, already.

I find myself remembering the work of Erik Erikson who described and named stages in adult development as a series of challenges to be met or not.

I believe that this is what makes our pain with our kids so impossibly difficult. Because their challenges dovetail with our own developmental challenges. I am remembering now an article I read more than 35 years ago: "Parenthood as a Developmental Stage", the thesis, this: it is not so much the problems we have with our children. It is the challenge presented to our core selves by their crises.

This is what gives our circumstances the profound power to either grow or fell us. This is why my life (and yours, and yours) has been so hard, and feels so rotten. The despair, I think, in better moments keeps presenting me with an opportunity to overcome. And why my life seems to serve up more and more of the same. Until I learn. Or not. What does not kill me makes me stronger. But sometimes the cure feels deadly.

So most of us are in Erikson's stage 7 or 8. Stage 7 from 40 to 65 years is about creating and building and raising (our kids, our careers, a relationship.) For those of us who feel we have failed with our kids or lost them, we are unable to resolve this stage in the normal way, I think. We may feel both mired in the problem and personally as if we do not "work" as people, as mothers.

Only to be hit at age 65 by stage 8 which centers upon reflecting upon our accomplishments and seeing our lives as "successful." Failing this we "feel guilt about our past, or feel that we did not accomplish our life goals, we become dissatisfied with life and develop despair, often leading to depression and hopelessness." Which pretty much describes me and how I feel.

Can we not see how the circumstances with our kids only reinforce and intensify this despair? Am I alone in this?

We come here to CD not just for counsel and advice. We come here personally stuck, drowning, despairing. It is so easy to feel that I momentarily "work" as a person by giving a smart reply to a post, momentarily forgetting that a mother is drowning in her grief, her sense of self battered and seeking as much or more a loving word, a hand, a hug, and a way to see herself and her life as meaningful, as worth it, as well-done and well-learned.

The reality is I do not believe I work as a person. I feel that any sense of accomplishment belies the truth: that I have failed and my life has failed. My dreams have failed. I do not work as a person or a mother. Or as a daughter. Any sense I ever worked was a fantasy, an illusion. That is the feeling.

Of course all of this pain can lead to a deepening of spiritual life but in the moments and hours and days of despair, when I fall back and back, I wonder if there will ever be a safety net for me.
 

february

Member
You must believe in the safety net, in hope and faith.

My prayers are with you that god will give you peace that passeth all understanding.

Life is short just a quick journey.
 

february

Member
It's been many months since I've shared with all of you regarding my 31-yr old daughter (Borderline (Borderline (BPD))). As of 11/01/16, I began working a full-time job (out of financial necessity), and endure a ridiculous long commute everyday as well. I'm almost 70 - and I can't believe I continue to ALLOW my daughter's behavior to drag me down & take over MY life! I know that all of you have experienced the same pain and anguish, and are STILL going through this living hell. I guess it doesn't stop until the Borderline (Borderline (BPD)) actually recognizes the illness & seeks help. Realistically, I know that won't happen anytime soon. Those of you who are also dealing with grandchildren (who are used as leverage by the Borderline (Borderline (BPD))) understand the complete feeling of helplessness when it comes to those young innocents.

My daughter & 7-yr old grandson, have been living with her 'boyfriend' for the past year and a half. As predicted, that relationship has totally failed, and he wants them out of the house. Like many of your daughters, mine has jerked my grandson around from home to home, a couple of states, has lived with me on several occasions (which always turned out to be disastrous), and has never held down a job for more than 10 months. She has been unemployed for the past 8 months - and boyfriend wants them out of the house by July 1 (supposedly by mutual agreement and because it would take them through the end of my grandson's school year). Naturally, all her bravado about finding work and a place to live, is just hot air! She spends her days doing frivolous things, eating out (and God knows how she pays for most of this - she exists on meager child support and food stamps), and in short, living a life of relative luxury. But, yet I am the villain because I will not let my daughter & grandson move in with me!

Trust me, my heart would let them in a minute. And I would take care of my grandson completely without hesitation. But, I know that I must practice "tough love" and be firm. It is killing me - but my reasonable brain says that I should not let this affect me this way. Some days I just feel paralyzed by grief and sadness. I know that she is spreading vicious stories to her so-called friends (who will traditionally disappear within a year or less) saying that I'm turning away her "child and grandchild".

Thank you for allowing me to pour out my heart. I feel great comfort just in knowing that I'm "not alone". Even though I don't check this 'thread' frequently (I'm just so utterly exhausted after working 40-hour weeks!), please know that I am here to listen to you should you wish to share. We are truly blessed to have each other - even if we have to be united by such excruciating pain.
Kathryn
 
Top