Countdown to Job Corps...Will he make it?

[AppleCori]

Lil,

I would have called them back, too. It sounds like they were really going above and beyond to get him contacted so he didn't loose out on this opportunity. I am thankful for that, and also that they won't have to waste any more time on this and can spend it on others who many be ready to turn their lives around.

This was always your hope for him, not his.

Heck, it was MY hope for him, too. Probably everyone here, too.

But it wasn't his.

You know, I think the hardest part in all of this is letting go.

It took my hubby a long time before he could let go of the hopes he had for his son.

He still has hopes for him, of course. At least, I think he does. I know I do. But I think we have given him the freedom, in our hearts, to not live up to our expectations.

I think it has freed us.

On the bright side, he has been fending for himself, way better than you would have given him credit for even just a few months ago.

There is that.

 

[pasajes4]

Liz, He knows how to answer the phone. He knows that it upsets you when he does not. You told him what to do and when to do it as far as job corps and community service was concerned. You broke it into small steps for him. He did not want to do it from the get go. He did everything but come right out and tell you he was not going to go. For some weird reason doing anything that might improve their lives goes against their vision of how their lives should be. This way they can continue to try to play the "woes" me card.

 

[Lil]

He did not want to do it from the get go.

Actually, at the very get-go, he was excited about it. Go figure. He called Job Corps himself and talked to the guy, set up the appointment to go sign up, made it at a time I could go since I had to sign something (probably a coincidence there) and even posted on Facebook that in a month he'd be leaving for Chicago and when he came back he'd be a more educated and responsible person who was taking charge of his life (or something like that).

That lasted right up to when he was told they wanted him to come on the 26th.

Then the brakes came on...full-stop.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Theory vs reality. In "theory", it really sounded good even to him. In reality? OH NO! Another TRANSITION?

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I don't know what to say.

For once.

But I'm here too, Lil.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

He certainly isn't going to like the transitions that happen while living in the streets. There is no stability there.

I'm here too.

 

[Albatross]

Up until about 2 years ago I really did believe that the next prod, push, suggestion, manufactured opportunity would make all the difference. If it did made any difference it was only to weaken them through my machinations and enabling.

Tish, I SO could have written that post. And the manufactured opportunities? Oh my...I could have been a grand master chess champion with all of my scheming.

And for what? For basically sheltering him from how the world really works? Something that he should have had the blessing or misfortune of learning the hard way, just like every other member of his support system did.

 

[Lil]

Jabber and I had our bi-weekly counseling appointment yesterday. It's never really productive, since Jabber and I have a tendency to get off base and end up chit-chatting. But in the end, I reminded myself of all the doors we've opened for him. Even when we put him out, we got him to the shelter..we didn't just dump him. Did he use that opportunity to get a job and save money for his own place? NO. When he got kicked out of the shelter, we got the apartment. Did he use that opportuinty to work and pay his bills and establish his own rental history so he could get a better place? NO. In fact, he got arrested. So I represented him and kept him from having a record, 40 lousy hours of community service. Has he done them? Not yet.

Jabber is convinced he won't. I don't know. What I do know is I have no plan to go to court again. If he isn't done by June 10 - the fact is he'll have as much chance to get another chance from the judge as I will. I won't try again.

At least I think I won't.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil what happens is they teach us by their actions. We can't believe it from other people because surely our situation will be different. The insanity of it all is so profound.

But they teach us. And little by little, we learn through experience to stop.

I often write that I was a very slow learner. I was sure he would snap out of it at the next turn so I kept on.

Until finally even I began to see. Then is when his chance to change started. When i started stopping.

We can only do what we can live with. I have tremendous compassion for all of us here on this board. We are doing the best we can do in the face of profound love and incredible unbelievable insanity. It is a very tough combination.

You will be ready to stop when you are ready and not one minute before that.

He will be ready to stop when he is ready and not one minute before that.

Once I could really see that, it was a good day for us both.

Warm hugs today. You are a true warrior mom.

 

[DoneDad]

When it is time you will be ready to let go. You are trying everything to save him. My own wife is doing the same.

How could you not!

Hopefully he'll come around. More likely you'll learn that all your efforts are only prolonging everybody's misery.

But it's a process you have to go through.

COM says

He will be ready to stop when he is ready and not one minute before that.

That also applies to us.

 

[in a daze]

I am so sorry for the Hades you guys are going through.

There may come a sentinel event, such as another arrest or hospitalization, some dramatic occurrence, at which point you decide that you have had enough and that you are DONE. This is how it was for me. Like the addicts, co dependents have to hit bottom, too.

I would have done everything that you have done for your son, and you can know, like Cedar says, that you have done everything you could have done for him, no stone was left unturned, and your conscience is clean.

 

[JulieAnn]

Like the addicts, co dependents have to hit bottom, too.

SO profound. This is so true. I'm going to borrow, if I may. I found my bottom. Thank GOD!

 

[Lil]

Thanks. Told Jabber and the counselor, I'll probably give him ONE final reminder that he has until June 10 to pay his fees and get a letter from the church that he's done his 40 hours and if he doesn't, he better be prepared to go to the Court and explain why - because I won't. Why do that when it'll probably do no good? So I can say to myself...I tried everything.

 

[BusynMember]

Actually you did everything. You'd just be doing it AGAIN.

 

[Lil]

Want to know what a doormat I really am?

Thursday night I got a call about 5:00 asking if I'd take him to the vape store. (Apparently he got paid for the one week of work he did before he quit.) I told him no, because I was working late because I was having surgery Friday, so I wouldn't be able to get him there before it closed.

I TOLD him I was having surgery at 6 a.m. the next day, Friday.

It's Saturday. Noon. Not a single peep out of him. No call yesterday to see how I was. No call today. No text. No Facebook message. Nothing.

What a self-centered little jerk.

And still I'm thinking of reminding him to do his community service.

Jeeze.

 

[pasajes4]

Holy guacamole! How are you feeling Liz. This is your time to chill and NOT stress.

I was the queen of reminders until I asked my son if he was really that forgetful. He wasn't. He did not have to remember, because I would remember it for him. I stopped.

 

[BusynMember]

I hope you feel better.
Take care of YOU for pity sakes. I'm sure Jabber will make sure you do.

What (timidly) is a vape store? Is that a pot shop? I'd laugh if any of my kids asked me for a ride to one. I mean laugh and laugh hard.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

You've had your surgery already?!? Well that's wonderful! I am happy it's over and that you've come through this part so well. Remember to be very strict with yourself, and very gentle with and good to yourself, through your recovery.

I can't believe he wasn't waiting in the Waiting Room when you came out of Recovery.

WE DON'T WANT NO STEENKING PHONE CALLS! (I got that "steenking" part from you. :O)

Flowers he's picked along the side of the road, a visit with a nice hug attached, that's what we want.

What in the world is he thinking.

Too bad for difficult child in a way. That is the thing about when the kids are living this way. They miss out on so much of what it is that makes family that before you know it, you don't miss them not being there for the important things, anymore.

It doesn't even register, and that is sad, too.

I'm sorry he did that to you. You are a nice lady, a great mom. I always tell D H, when I am telling him about your son, "It's the lady who posted me that recipe for baklava."

That's cold, what he did this time.

WTF?

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

It's Saturday. Noon. Not a single peep out of him. No call yesterday to see how I was. No call today. No text. No Facebook message. Nothing.

What a self-centered little jerk.

The problem with people like this is that they are completely self-focused. They really don't care that much about other people, including the rest of their loved ones who have been kind to them. Personality disordered? I don't know.

It's not autism, even if he has it. My autistic son wanted to be with me during my surgery and take a day off of work (which for him is huge but we told him no...please go to work).

Have no idea, but guessing this kid is a lot of his biological father's DNA. You are so kind and so is Jabber and I know you brought him up with love. There is no excuse for that.

 

[Lil]

About the surgery...just a little outpatient hernia repair. Nothing major, I was in by 8, out by 9 or so and back to post-op by 10ish. I'd have been out of the hospital by noon if I hadn't been so queasy. Sedation does not agree with me.

Jabber is babying me. Not to worry.

What (timidly) is a vape store? Is that a pot shop?

LOL! Those "smokeless" cigarette things that put out water vapor? They sell them refillable now and you buy the nicotine fluid in various flavors. They call it vaping.

(I got that "steenking" part from you. :O)

You do know what that's from right? Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

Don't particularly care for the movie. Love that line.

The problem with people like this is that they are completely self-focused. They really don't care that much about other people, including the rest of their loved ones who have been kind to them.

I'm sure if I say a word he'd say, "Well you said it wasn't a big deal. Dad would call if anything bad happened." blah blah blah.

Wouldn't occur to him to just be there for moral support.