Daughter in abusive relationship

[New Leaf]

Wish,
Weekends are usually slow on CD.
You are not losing it, you are expressing your anxiety and deepest fears, and that is healthy. It is so very hard to see this happening and have absolutely no control over what your daughter decides. I lived it for years and I understand how hard it is.
Take deep breaths and get whatever you are feeling out. Cry, yell, however you can, let it out.
Make a plan for yourself to go see a counselor versed in domestic violence.
It is important to be able to talk to someone face to face.

There is not much you can do right at this minute. Oftentimes, we think of the absolute worst case scenario, as a sort of macabre prepping, if it does happen.
This does not help you, or your daughter.
I am a firm believer that thoughts have power. Try to think of good things. I know it is hard when everything seems like it is tumbling down.
I would repeat things like "My daughter is smart, she will figure this out." Or, even just a simple prayer "Lord, please help me."
That was a start to my road to recovery.

We do not have to get lost in the choices of our adult children.
Copa is right. We have all been where you are at right now.
I will not have computer access this weekend, but I will be thinking of you and keeping you and your daughter in my prayers.
Please take care and do good things for you.
I am an old hippy, and find lavender oil and pachouli to be calming.
I also have a ring with peace written in script, as well as a peace sign ring. Silly little things that remind me to work towards that goal of finding peace in the storm of this.
Find something that works for you.
I am so sorry for your heartache.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Wish]

You are not losing it, you are expressing your anxiety and deepest fears, and that is healthy

<3

It is so very hard to see this happening and have absolutely no control over what your daughter decides

I need to drill this into my brain. Will it ever happen?

ftentimes, we think of the absolute worst case scenario, as a sort of macabre prepping, if it does happen.
This does not help you, or your daughter.

You're right

I am a firm believer that thoughts have power. Try to think of good things. I know it is hard when everything seems like it is tumbling down.
I would repeat things like "My daughter is smart, she will figure this out." Or, even just a simple prayer "Lord, please help me.

Especially this: My daughter is smart, she will figure this out

I hear you New Leaf...my heart hears you

There are no words New Leaf to describe the little bit of weight you lifted off my heavy, heavy heart. I know you can't cure it, no one can, but any type of relief is more than welcomed right now and you provided that to me. Thank you New Leaf.....so very, very much. It especially helps to hear it from someone who has been down a similar road.

 

[Wish]

Wish. Hi

I am so sorry. We all struggle with this. The fear and agony. And powerlessness. Only they can keep themselves safe.

It is especially difficult for us when we have a history of abuse.

Please know we are here.

And try to mother yourself right now. Be comfy. Climb in bed. Be safe. Deep breathing.

You matter.

Thank you Copa, Thank you so much for your support. You all have no idea how thankful I am for this place. The tears have not stopped flowing since reading all your responses. I am so touched, I really am.....

 

[Wish]

It just occured to me that I forgot to ask, do I let her stay or tell her to go?

 

[BusynMember]

Wish, maybe this story can help you a little.

My daughter's friend from childhood is trying to get out of an abusive relationship, but she has to be careful and it took her four years to want to leave.

She has always been extremely beautiful but very shy and hung around her house more than going out. My daughter was her bff until high school because she simply would not want to do anything. She cooked and cleaned at home. She had two horrible father figures though. One was her father who left her mother while Mom was pregnant with her and her stepdad started out nice then he hurt his back and lost his job and tried to commit suicide then staggered in the house all bloody. The friend and his little son were home, saw and we're terrified. Mom divorced him.

Mom and daughter, my own daughter reports, are like besties and I know well and love her mom. But she has had bad luck. Before losing his job stepdad was so great then he got verbally and physically abusive especially to this friend so Mom kicked him out and the suicide scenario happened. Fast forward.

Friend found a boyfriend, her first one, at 18. She moved in with him on his farm. He was adorable. He is abusive. He won't let her go anywhere without him. He follows her to make sure she isn't with another man.
Or he sends friends to make sure she is where she says she will be. He takes her phone and looks through it. He sleeps with a loaded gun when he thinks she might leave. I don't know if he has hit her or not, but after four years of Mom begging and being there, she wants to leave.

She has to be careful. And strategic. But she is planning with her Mom. And my daughter, who she is close to again, and my daughter knows a lot about domestic abuse from being in law enforcement. My daughter is loyal and I s staying close.

Friend hasn't left yet. The guns are a concern. But she is on her way out. And it took four years. She is already planning to finish college when she leaves. Her brain is ahead of being with him.
She sees her mother every day. They plan. Carefully.
Boyfriend so far is not aware and acting like his regular controlling self but no different.
It took Friend four years to want to leave.
But she will.
Your daughter will probably leave too. I am tired and it is late and I don't recall how old your daughter is or how long she has been with Jerk but I wanted to pass this on. Through all of this her Mother, like you, has had her back. This is what gives her the strength to say to herself "I am leaving when it's safe to go." She does not feel it is smart to directly confront him. But at least she is planning. She hates him now and just wants out.

I don't and never will understand why young or old women choose abusive men or don't leave right away when they realize just what they are like. But it's common. And it is also common for the woman to finally leave. Can the parents force it? You know it has to come from the person, not us. But once the abuser loses his prey, he is toast and it is a matter of time.
This friend is afraid of boyfriend going after her and her beloved mother and mother tells her not to worry about her but she isn't made that way. She cares. So the trick of leaving is longer than just leaving quickly.
But her head is not with him anymore and that's a good start. I forgot to ask my daughter if she thought of our domestic abuse shelter. I volunteered there and it is safe and helpful.
Love and light!

 

[toughlovin]

Wish as hard as it is you are doing the right thing. She needs to get to the point herself that this relationship is not worth it. Tough love does not work in abusive relationships. This is the time to keep showing her she is loved and worth something. In the meantime treat yourself with care.

 

[Wish]

Wish, maybe this story can help you a little.

My daughter's friend from childhood is trying to get out of an abusive relationship, but she has to be careful and it took her four years to want to leave.

She has always been extremely beautiful but very shy and hung around her house more than going out. My daughter was her bff until high school because she simply would not want to do anything. She cooked and cleaned at home. She had two horrible father figures though. One was her father who left her mother while Mom was pregnant with her and her stepdad started out nice then he hurt his back and lost his job and tried to commit suicide then staggered in the house all bloody. The friend and his little son were home, saw and we're terrified. Mom divorced him.

Mom and daughter, my own daughter reports, are like besties and I know well and love her mom. But she has had bad luck. Before losing his job stepdad was so great then he got verbally and physically abusive especially to this friend so Mom kicked him out and the suicide scenario happened. Fast forward.

Friend found a boyfriend, her first one, at 18. She moved in with him on his farm. He was adorable. He is abusive. He won't let her go anywhere without him. He follows her to make sure she isn't with another man.
Or he sends friends to make sure she is where she says she will be. He takes her phone and looks through it. He sleeps with a loaded gun when he thinks she might leave. I don't know if he has hit her or not, but after four years of Mom begging and being there, she wants to leave.

She has to be careful. And strategic. But she is planning with her Mom. And my daughter, who she is close to again, and my daughter knows a lot about domestic abuse from being in law enforcement. My daughter is loyal and I s staying close.

Friend hasn't left yet. The guns are a concern. But she is on her way out. And it took four years. She is already planning to finish college when she leaves. Her brain is ahead of being with him.
She sees her mother every day. They plan. Carefully.
Boyfriend so far is not aware and acting like his regular controlling self but no different.
It took Friend four years to want to leave.
But she will.
Your daughter will probably leave too. I am tired and it is late and I don't recall how old your daughter is or how long she has been with Jerk but I wanted to pass this on. Through all of this her Mother, like you, has had her back. This is what gives her the strength to say to herself "I am leaving when it's safe to go." She does not feel it is smart to directly confront him. But at least she is planning. She hates him now and just wants out.

I don't and never will understand why young or old women choose abusive men or don't leave right away when they realize just what they are like. But it's common. And it is also common for the woman to finally leave. Can the parents force it? You know it has to come from the person, not us. But once the abuser loses his prey, he is toast and it is a matter of time.
This friend is afraid of boyfriend going after her and her beloved mother and mother tells her not to worry about her but she isn't made that way. She cares. So the trick of leaving is longer than just leaving quickly.
But her head is not with him anymore and that's a good start. I forgot to ask my daughter if she thought of our domestic abuse shelter. I volunteered there and it is safe and helpful.
Love and light!

Thank you Swot, your story of your daughter's friend helps a lot. Thank you so much for sharing their story with me. Sometimes I wonder if my daughter goes back to him because she's scared of him. Scared of what he might do if she stays away from him. Try as I might, she doesn't let on at all to me in this specific aspect. Maybe she's afraid I can't protect her.....if only she would listen to me, and do exactly as I say, then I could really help her. I can even hide her out somewhere for a few months. But, she wil never listen to me concerning this issue. She has to really want the help, until then , this is what it is I guess....

<sigh>

 

[Wish]

Wish as hard as it is you are doing the right thing. She needs to get to the point herself that this relationship is not worth it. Tough love does not work in abusive relationships. This is the time to keep showing her she is loved and worth something. In the meantime treat yourself with care.

You're right, Tough lovin that tough love does not work in abusive relationships. That is a wake up call that I needed to hear. I will take the rest of your advice as well. I will pray to God that he helps me show her that she is loved and worth it in a way that she will listen to me more than abusive boyfriend.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm so sorry Wish. I would be petrified too. I've been scared like that when my daughter was homeless, it is the worst kind of powerlessness and lack of control.

When my daughter was in the throes of poor choices which put her in harms way.....when I was out of control and scared....I began creating a "tool box" of various techniques that supported my sanity & well being and offered me ways of moving thru the fear and regaining my balance so that the fear did not overtake me.

Do whatever you can to switch your brain out of that fear place...when we are powerless and so frightened, our brains get stuck in that fear...take some kind of action when that happens...writing down your fears here was an excellent choice....

......something that helped me was to place my daughter in the hands of a Higher Power....Praying helped me....if it's possible, if you can take a walk for about 10-15 minutes, statistically, that shifts the brain. Meditation also helps to calm the fear down as well, you can check on YOUTUBE for guided meditations that are specifically for worry/fear/overwhelm.

I realized that I might be in this situation for awhile, so I began strengthening my Self with a strong focus on my own needs and desires......so that I would feel centered and learn how to respond differently.....therapy helped a lot to address my fears.....changing my diet and developing an exercise program helped immeasurably......meditation......pursuing a spiritual path and practicing acceptance, which is so difficult what our kids are involved.

Keep posting Wish....put together your own "toolbox" so that when the fear emerges, you have options to bring you back to balance. Your daughter is going to do what she is going to do, AND you can choose to take excellent care of yourself......and as you do, you will be able to be more present......more available to stay grounded in your strength to be able to be available for yourself and your daughter.

Hang in there Wish. We're here for you. You're not alone.​

 

[BusynMember]

Re is so wise.

If you are spiritual or religious the higher power works so well .Ask your higher power and her angels to protect your daughter. In what better hands could she be?

Girls and very young adults in abusive relationships is hard. I am not happy with my oldest daughters SO. I hope she leaves him one day as he is an angry man and I fear a bit for daughter and grandbaby. She knows she can live with us or her sister anytime with full-time free babysitting. I am glad she never married him. I don't fear him every day but he has some sparadic scary moments and Daughter is getting fed up.

I feel good offering her sanctuary in another state. She is a sweet and smart woman and would follow our house rules. No reason to make her think she has no choices or options. I don't do tough love for abusive relationships mixed with nice kids who are willing to work and be good people. Plus if she wants more space, her Sis has more room and we live nearby. So does her brother. She would have a ton of support here. I won't take that from her.

I went tough love on her for drugs but that is long past. She has a loving support in her family. Always.

Wish, I support you. Now if she were older, using drugs, dissing you etc....that is different. At her age, she needs a place to go.

 

[toughlovin]

Wish and even if she seems to be listening to her boyfriend more than you...she is taking in what you say. I have worked with many many women of all ages who got out of abusive relationships and getting out is a process. The most important thing was knowing they had love and support outside of the abusive relationship.

 

[Copabanana]

The issue I am concerned about is your being exposed to his violence. And him violating the security and sanctity of your home.

You can support your daughter without permitting her to live with you.

With that I fear the man will terrorize her and you both at your house.

When daughter is ready to leave a domestic violence program will help her. Meanwhile, you can go to a domestic violence program, to get info and support for you. This will help her and model to her what she can do.

 

[Triedntrue]

This has to be terrifying for you. My prayers are with you and your daughter.

 

[BusynMember]

She CAN go to a domestic violence center. Copa is right. And you ARE putting yourself at risk. To be honest, my daughter and me would not be at risk that way from her SO. But you could be.

It is so hard. No good answer. Please get an alarm system at least.

 

[Copabanana]

Honestly, wish. I don't know why you have to be daughter's protector, when first, she could be safer in a dv program.

Second, she keeps going back and/or otherwise stays involved.

And third. He knows where you live and has a grievance towards you for protecting her. He's pissed at you now. Rather than a protector, you are a magnet, I fear.

Help her. Support her. But not in your house, I think.

Guns are a double edged sword, I fear.

 

[toughlovin]

You should get a restraining order against him not allowing him to come to your home. Then if he shows up you call the police and he would be arrested for violating the ro. A domestic violence agency can help both you and your daughter with safety planning.

 

[Wish]

I just deleted my last post. Sorry to cause any confusion, but that's was too much for me. Please forgive.

 

[New Leaf]

Honestly, wish. I don't know why you have to be daughter's protector, when first, she could be safer in a dv program.

I agree. The problem is that your daughter is making a choice to return to her abusive boyfriend.
That is hard enough for a mother to witness, as well as be involved with violent altercations.
I encourage counseling for you Wish, because this is very tough stuff to deal with. A counselor versed in DV, could help you find local resources, as well as provide comfort and ways for you to deal with your daughters choices, as well as suggestions to keep you safe.
There is no telling what an abusive, violent person is capable of, not only to our loved ones, but their protectors as well.
I understand that tough love does not work on abuse victims. I closed the revolving door to my home and encouraged my daughter to seek help in a DV shelter. I do not consider that tough love, it is truth. The safety and well being of all family members is important. I had a unique situation with my daughter, due to drug use and grandchildren involved. My husband and I tried many, many times to provide safe haven, to no avail. I took my daughter to get TRO's, several times. My experience is not one of a DV counselor, or worker, but first hand of a mother and grandmother. Believe me, the grief of this is all consuming; relief when my daughter sought ways to escape the madness, helping her, then complete and utter dismay when she went back. She would roll her eyes and become angry at me, for my objections. "You are just making it worse for me Mom, stay out of it."
Dismay is not a strong enough word for that emotional roller coaster.
Rinse repeat, over and over again.
My dilemma is and was, that I have a young son that I am responsible for. He was first hand witness to many violent episodes. This is traumatic for anyone to experience, and we were all dragged into the violence far too many times.
Yes, it is imperative that victims of abuse know they are loved and have a safe haven.
There are safe havens. But, in my first hand experience, our homes are not.
My home was not a safe haven. It was far too easy for my daughters boyfriend to come to my house, which of course, he knew the location and was the first place he would come looking. It was far too easy for him to turn his violence against us. By the hand of God, we are still here. The episodes we witnessed and endured, are too graphic to write of.
In this, I began to look at my daughters relationship as a sort of addiction. I could not control her choice to return, neither could I persuade her to seek help. In the same way an addictive person will endanger their health for drug use, a victim will return to their abusers.
So what is one to do?
I understand that a person who has worked trying to help victims of abuse, would encourage family members to stay involved and provide refuge. The problem with this, is, it endangers everyone involved.
For certain, let your daughter know how much you love her and that she does not deserve to be treated badly. Research and keep handy a list of DV shelters that she can go to. When she is willing, get and keep copies of her important documents, so if she has to flee in a hurry, she knows that you have her information. Keep a bag of clothes for her, and if she has to leave, you can meet her in a public place with her belongings and help her get to a shelter.
These are things you can do to ease her mind and yours.
There are far too many stories now a days of people in a fit of rage harming their victims and family members who shelter them.
I am sorry, that is a harsh statement, but true.
Swot, your daughters friends story is important, the big difference being, that she is ready to leave.
Wish's daughter is in the back and forth stage.
This is agonizing for a mother to endure.
Our safety and well being matters, too.
Our being able to hold it together, while facing the fear of what may be, matters.
That is why I will keep encouraging counseling for you, Wish.
This stuff can cause PTSD, and make it difficult to live our own lives.
It is important to strengthen ourselves and keep our own heads above water.
I don't mean to offend anyone by my comments.
It is horrific to live through for a mother.
Every single situation is unique.
We are not counselors, just folks who have lived through similar journeys, or know of people who have. While it is good for you to be able to vent here, and to receive opinions and suggestions of others, please take steps to seek professional help for you.
As a mother who has walked this road, it helped me tremendously to have a one on one with a therapist.
I think it is also an example to our daughters that when we need help to sort through difficult situations, we seek it.
My heart goes out to you.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree witn leafy 100%

 

[toughlovin]

Leafy gives you very wise advice. I really encourage you to call a dv agency near you. They will know options and can also do specific safety planning for you and your daughter. Call the national dv hotline and they should have a lot of programs near you. Their number is 800-799-SAFE. Please call them.