Daughter is now homeless

[toughlovin]

Hi Rosybird,
Its tough and I have also been throught he manipulation and the getting very nasty to hurt you and then the sweet words to manipulate.....

My stand with my son has always been I will help you when you are helping yourself and not when you are not... and that means I will help him get into treatment and help him when he is in treatment and wont when he is not. And yes at times he has used treatment because he had no other choice, or he wanted to get off the street... but so be it. I think every time in treatment he got a little bit....

and now he is back in treatment again but seems to be getting a lot closer to really getting it.... and our relationship has gotten a lot better too.

So keep your boundaries.... and think about what are the situations you would help her in..... it helps to think about those ahead of time.

 

[Rosybird]

Thank everyone again for helping me with this process. This is the first time I have taken a stand with her and it has been a roller coaster. Being here with all of you has really given me strength.

One of the boundaries that I set (just in the letter on Saturday) was no more money. We have paid for rooms before and even paid a full month's rent for her once at a friends apartment. Over the past year we have given her thousands of dollars not to mention all the food and expenses we have paid or the money she has stolen.

This is what I texted her back (I can't call her because she is out of voice minutes):

"Sorry your out of town plans didn’t work out. I have set my boundaries and I am sticking to them. If you need a ride to a shelter, let me know or if there is a phone call you need me to make."

Her reply: "Go to Hell"

 

[Rosybird]

t is a fine line, loving detachment. Have you read the article in the P.E forum? It is a good reminder for me.

Yes I did. This is what helped to prompt me to write the letter on Saturday telling her what I would do and what I just couldn't do anymore and that I loved her and truly wanted her to be happy.

Truly the only boundary was no more money and she could not move back in here (which she says she doesn't want anyway) I told her I would provide rides, food on occasion, etc. Of course it was met with much hatred and venom. That is when she told me to lose her number.

Also I have to remember she is not really in the "cold" we live in Florida and it is suppose to be 80 today with a low tonight of 68.

My heart goes out to all of you that have replied and the struggles and pain that you are also going through. All of you have been in my thoughts and prayers since I found this forum. I hope to soon be in a place where I can help someone else.

 

[New Leaf]

One of the boundaries that I set (just in the letter on Saturday) was no more money. We have paid for rooms before and even paid a full month's rent for her once at a friends apartment. Over the past year we have given her thousands of dollars not to mention all the food and expenses we have paid or the money she has stolen.

This is what I texted her back (I can't call her because she is out of voice minutes):

"Sorry your out of town plans didn’t work out. I have set my boundaries and I am sticking to them. If you need a ride to a shelter, let me know or if there is a phone call you need me to make."

Her reply: "Go to Hell"

Well, that says it.

Huh.

Yup, I have been there. It is a game. We are fine parents to them, as long as we are funding them. Still, it is never enough.

When it stops. UGH.

Well, Rosybird, you have stood strong.
Now the backlash will come, and it won't feel good at first. You may start to doubt your decision, or not.
It is still a roller coaster of feelings, loving detachment.

Stay the course and keep posting and sharing. It helps to read others stories of their similar journeys.

Keep strong Rosybird, you are doing the right thing.
Your daughter is not going to like it,
but this kind of response from her, shows you where she is at right now.
Too bad.

One day, hopefully, our d cs will wake up and realize that they are adults and responsible for their choices and their lives. As long as we enable them, this will not happen.

Keep on keeping on Rosybird, you are not alone.

In the mean time, do good things for you. We need to build ourselves up. This is exhausting, dealing with D cs. Focus on you, take good care of yourself.

Peace to you
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Also I have to remember she is not really in the "cold" we live in Florida and it is suppose to be 80 today with a low tonight of 68.

Oh my.....yes, not in the cold. Her choices, her consequences.....

My heart goes out to all of you that have replied and the struggles and pain that you are also going through. All of you have been in my thoughts and prayers since I found this forum. I hope to soon be in a place where I can help someone else.

Likewise, Rosybird.
You are already helping by posting your story, that in of itself, encourages others.
Thank you for being here.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

And..... I am sorry for your reasons to be here. SIGH.
Nevertheless, it is a good place to be for folks with challenges like we have.
Breathe in, breathe out.
leafy

 

[AppleCori]

Hi and welcome, Rosy!

I'm glad you have found us.

Sometimes the best thing we do around here is just to let people know that they aren't alone in this.

My hubby, years ago, used to think that he was alone in having a problem adult child. He really thought it must have been something he did, or didn't do, that made his son the way he was. That kept him desperately looking for answers, trying everything to 'make it right'.

When he realized that he wasn't alone, and that there was nothing he could do about it, he was able to slowly let go and stop trying to control his son's life. And to start living his own life.

Stay with us, Rosy.

Apple

 

[Lil]

Her reply: "Go to Hell"

Oh my. I'm so sorry. I'm actually quite lucky with my Difficult Child in that he doesn't usually place blame on me and such. Once, he ended a call with "Thanks for nothing." Nothing? Thousands of dollars over the years, including three smart phones because he kept breaking them, rides, money, etc. - nothing? Once, I got a "eff" you. I didn't speak to him for a couple weeks then saw him at a family function. I took him aside and advised him if he EVER said such a thing to me again, it would be the last time we'd speak for a VERY long time. Apparently, he believed me - which is good because I was quite serious.

They get venomous when you set boundaries. They manipulate and if that doesn't work, they abuse. Your daughter is quite lucky. 68 degrees is shorts weather here...good for camping! She can get by quite well if that's the low temp.

Hang in there. You have done well.

 

[Looking For Hope]

This forum has helpful for me this morning. I have a 25 year old daughter that refuses to do anything to change her life. My husband (her step dad) and I have been trying to help my daughter for over a year now. She was on the street and we bought a new home and had room for her. She would not come to us without her boyfriend and he became unwanted very quick.We tried to help them get jobs and even helped my daughter in a mental clinic because she said she was suicidal which they prescribed her adderrol which they took the whole bottle in a matter of days. We finally got him out and at that time she did not leave with him but we gave her a deadline or told her she had to go into a rehab facility which we were going to pay for at the tune of $18000.00 (she is also addicted to pain pills) and she found a friend to stay with in another state. She wanted to come home a few months later and we said no. She managed to find her way back to Florida (where we are) and she managed staying in a hotel for a while. She works when she feels like it as a cam girl but only when she really wants to and needs internet and a computer to do that. They also keep messing up her pay (so she says). She came back here shortly again when she couldn't pay for her hotel and broke her computer and we gave her a deadline to be out again. We also bought her a new computer. She left that time back to a hotel. About two months ago she developed a bad tooth ache and claimed she couldn't work and I brought her back for "three days" to get her tooth taken care of. That took a week and then she wanted to go back to the clinic she went to when she was suicidal. That lasted two days because they wouldn't subscribe her whats she wanted. We then told her she would have to leave and she came to us and said she wanted to go to bartending school and if we could just let her stay here until she finished with that. We agreed but she never earned enough to go. We found out that she was making some money (which she said she wasn't because she lost her computer cord at a friends house who wouldn't send it back) and spending it on drugs and paying for phone time with the boyfriend. I told her she had two days to get out and she told me we would have to "evict" her. My husband and I really didn't want a big drama scene and decided to talk to her again about setting a time line to get out. She refused and started yelling and screaming about our rules and how horrible and that I wouldn't stay out of her things (she was a complete slob and I would clean up after her because I couldn't stand it and would find things she didn't want me to see). My husband who has completely had it by now got very angry and backer her against the wall. She started screaming that he attacked her and wanted to call the police. My husband called for her and the police made her leave that night. A friend came and picked her up. Ever since she has been texting me daily with hate and venom. She has told me she is out on the street, sleeping in her friends car because his parents won't let her sleep in the house (he is 30) and she texted me this morning that she had not eaten in two days and that it was my job to take care of her and how could I do this to her. She also copied the information from my debit card and used it to buy phone time with her jailed boyfriend. We had to change all our cards and report it to our bank. She has two children that she has NO legal rights to that I see on a regular basis and she keeps threatening that I will never see them again, but their father says that I can see them whenever I want. I have them here with me for Thanksgiving. I am exhausted and reading some of these other stories helps me to see that I can't keep trying to take care of her forever. I am done!!



Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/and-the-drama-continues.61371/#ixzz3sccQFHmA

 

[Looking For Hope]

My daughter is living on the street. Her car was recently towed away, which was her last "home". She refuses to believe that there is anything wrong with her. She refuses to talk to a social worker or take any medication. At one point we tried to buy her a condo, or rent her an apartment, but she would not accept these choices because they were not "her" choices. She would really like to live with me, but her step father says she must get help for her bipolar illness before we give her anymore help. I give her $300 a month to survive. It causes me great pain to think of her circumstances each day, but she is very intelligent and resourceful, but also very manipulative. She blames everyone else for her problems. I am just trying to cope with this from day to day. We belive she has bipolar disorder, but she has never really had treatment. Ultimately, I have to wait for her to make the decision to seek help, right? She is almost 39 years old.

 

[Time To Let Go!]

This forum has helpful for me this morning. I have a 25 year old daughter that refuses to do anything to change her life. My husband (her step dad) and I have been trying to help my daughter for over a year now. She was on the street and we bought a new home and had room for her. She would not come to us without her boyfriend and he became unwanted very quick.We tried to help them get jobs and even helped my daughter in a mental clinic because she said she was suicidal which they prescribed her adderrol which they took the whole bottle in a matter of days. We finally got him out and at that time she did not leave with him but we gave her a deadline or told her she had to go into a rehab facility which we were going to pay for at the tune of $18000.00 (she is also addicted to pain pills) and she found a friend to stay with in another state. She wanted to come home a few months later and we said no. She managed to find her way back to Florida (where we are) and she managed staying in a hotel for a while. She works when she feels like it as a cam girl but only when she really wants to and needs internet and a computer to do that. They also keep messing up her pay (so she says). She came back here shortly again when she couldn't pay for her hotel and broke her computer and we gave her a deadline to be out again. We also bought her a new computer. She left that time back to a hotel. About two months ago she developed a bad tooth ache and claimed she couldn't work and I brought her back for "three days" to get her tooth taken care of. That took a week and then she wanted to go back to the clinic she went to when she was suicidal. That lasted two days because they wouldn't subscribe her whats she wanted. We then told her she would have to leave and she came to us and said she wanted to go to bartending school and if we could just let her stay here until she finished with that. We agreed but she never earned enough to go. We found out that she was making some money (which she said she wasn't because she lost her computer cord at a friends house who wouldn't send it back) and spending it on drugs and paying for phone time with the boyfriend. I told her she had two days to get out and she told me we would have to "evict" her. My husband and I really didn't want a big drama scene and decided to talk to her again about setting a time line to get out. She refused and started yelling and screaming about our rules and how horrible and that I wouldn't stay out of her things (she was a complete slob and I would clean up after her because I couldn't stand it and would find things she didn't want me to see). My husband who has completely had it by now got very angry and backer her against the wall. She started screaming that he attacked her and wanted to call the police. My husband called for her and the police made her leave that night. A friend came and picked her up. Ever since she has been texting me daily with hate and venom. She has told me she is out on the street, sleeping in her friends car because his parents won't let her sleep in the house (he is 30) and she texted me this morning that she had not eaten in two days and that it was my job to take care of her and how could I do this to her. She also copied the information from my debit card and used it to buy phone time with her jailed boyfriend. We had to change all our cards and report it to our bank. She has two children that she has NO legal rights to that I see on a regular basis and she keeps threatening that I will never see them again, but their father says that I can see them whenever I want. I have them here with me for Thanksgiving. I am exhausted and reading some of these other stories helps me to see that I can't keep trying to take care of her forever. I am done!!



Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/and-the-drama-continues.61371/#ixzz3sccQFHmA

I wish I could say something magical right now, though all I have is I know and feel your pain. You're not alone!