Daughter jobless, homeless, 2 special needs kids in tow. Update on her situation.

[Kat9]

I’m super depressed today. I’m a basket case every time I talk to daughter. Recently I was very ill and she kept calling and I was too sick to face her drama and all her problems. She never calls me. All her adult life I did all the calling and she seldom answered. She was having her fun. Only called if she wanted something. So this man she moved in less than a month after her husband died has a prison background For armed robbery that ended in murder. She turned her ATM over to him to go to Walmart for groceries and bring back the receipt. She says he would not give it back. Finally after some time she went into his wallet and got it back. Her social security card seemed to disappear and reappear in her wallet. The man also has a roommate. Needless to say all her savings of maybe as much as $15,000 was spent. She said she didn’t really have 15k that her husband had loans against part of it but she didn’t tell me how much she was left with when he died. He overdrew her bank account and she has payment and insurance on her car that bounced. She’s been thrown out of apartments twice for staying with people because she went over a 5 day visiting rule. The second apartment is going to let her move into an apartment and let her pay the rent out because she is homeless with two kids. Because she trusted this man with her entire savings I’m not helping her. She was just too lazy to take her special needs kids to Walmart herself. Plus she tried to file taxes and he fraudulent had filed already taxes on the kids to get tax refund on them when they haven’t even been there enough months legally to do that. Her husband hasn’t even been dead that long. So he’s stollen her kids identities to commit more fraud probably on top of what he’s gotten out of her already. . This is the worst situation she has ever been in. I also don’t know if anything she is telling me is the truth. I do love her so it hurts to tell her no. But she’s not going to learn otherwise unless She begins to take steps to support her own self instead of looking to other people to do all her duties and responsibilities for her. It’s very painful to see her make such bad decisions and end up in such bad shape. Even worse will happen if she doesn’t change Like failure of health and mind and death. I’m wondering if she’s going on drug benders even though she’s not known to do drugs. Her decisions are worse than what crack heads make.

 

[Copabanana]

he fraudulent had filed already taxes on the kids to get tax refund on them

Hello Kat9 and welcome! As I read your story, I don't see any room for you to take responsibility for your daughter or her children. You are ill and her demands seem to only make you feel sicker.

But she’s not going to learn otherwise unless She begins to take steps to support her own self

In my own experience, we need to focus on our own welfare. Whether or not our adult children learn from their mistakes is their business and their responsibility not ours.

I’m a basket case every time I talk to daughter. Recently I was very ill and she kept calling and I was too sick to face her drama and all her problems.

The focus needs to be on you. Setting external boundaries, for example, when you will or will not answer the phone; and having internal boundaries to deal with feelings such as fear, obligation and guilt, what we call FOG.

This man she's been involved with has committed crimes. Now he's preying on the kids, indirectly, but who knows what will be the consequences. I support you to step back from this drama and to protect your emotions and your health. Your daughter's welfare is her responsibility, not yours.

I really do feel for the kids. How confusing for them to have a new guy show up after the death of their father. That he is a predator is just so sad for them. That their mom can't seem to take into account her responsibility to them let alone herself is a great sadness, but not your responsibility if you do not choose to or are unable to take this on.

 

[Kat9]

Thanks Copacabana. I had never done this to her but because I felt so emotionally vulnerable to her I did not speak to her for a couple of weeks until my medical tests were done. I had a 6 day colonoscopy prep, six days because mine was a special gentle type for people with liver issues. During all this my husband and I were real sick at home with Covid. Plus I needed to think about how I was going to deal with her and come up with a plan of what to say. I didn’t lay any blame on her. I just said it was due to my health expenses and the state of our nation causing me even more financial in stability. I’m not someone with much income. She was very mad at her brother for not taking her in, I explained to her that normal people with normal kids who have to work full time and raise their own kids can’t cope with her special needs children after they get home and deal with all the baggage that brings. That it would cause her brother to jeopardize his own relationship with his foster child and jeopardize his functionality at work. Her autistic son pees and poops on furniture and destroys things in the home. So no one can deal with that.she had gotten a cash app and I wouldn’t even give her gas money. That seems ridiculous to refuse but I know if I start that she’ll be calling multiple times a week for cash app deposits And my stress would escalate and my budget issues would escalate. I really need to drive it home to her by backing off that she can’t expect other people to take care of her and do all her work. She wants welfare money on the kids but doesn’t want to care for them properly, train them, mother them, feed them properly. She’s 50 years old. Too old to be acting this way. shes Never been ambitious, she did used to work before having the kids with special needs. But after that she decided to just live off the government And beg other people to help her take care of the kids and do her housework for her. Because she is the way she is she only attracts bad people.

 

[Copabanana]

I wouldn’t even give her gas money. That seems ridiculous to refuse

I don't feel this is one bit ridiculous to refuse. She is a bottomless pit. You can't even get started with her. You are not wrong. You don't have to justify yourself. Fifty years old is old enough to know better and to do better. Even if you weren't ill, you would have the right to set a limit, and you would have a right to have peace in your own life. She owns her own life. She can live as she wants and is able. The thing is, if she crosses the line she will have her children taken from her, and that would be the right thing, in my book.

 

[LetGo]

Hello Kat9 and welcome! As I read your story, I don't see any room for you to take responsibility for your daughter or her children. You are ill and her demands seem to only make you feel sicker.

In my own experience, we need to focus on our own welfare. Whether or not our adult children learn from their mistakes is their business and their responsibility not ours.

The focus needs to be on you. Setting external boundaries, for example, when you will or will not answer the phone; and having internal boundaries to deal with feelings such as fear, obligation and guilt, what we call FOG.

This man she's been involved with has committed crimes. Now he's preying on the kids, indirectly, but who knows what will be the consequences. I support you to step back from this drama and to protect your emotions and your health. Your daughter's welfare is her responsibility, not yours.

I really do feel for the kids. How confusing for them to have a new guy show up after the death of their father. That he is a predator is just so sad for them. That their mom can't seem to take into account her responsibility to them let alone herself is a great sadness, but not your responsibility if you do not choose to or are unable to take this on.

Well said, Copabanana. Kat9, you do need to just focus on you. I know this is hard but your daughter's situation seems complicated and her choices are her own. I know this is hard for you.

 

[Kat9]

Well y’all. I wrote to my Episcopalian Franciscan Oblate spiritual director. She said that addicts and criminals bring down or harm at least 5 people close to them by their actions and choices. She said that my daughter has crazy thinking from being a victim of domestic abuse from that criminal boyfriend. She has a history of getting with predator abusers. She said that she must get a counselor that specializes in domestic abuse. She said any time someone takes money or resources from someone that was meant for their needs that that is domestic abuse just like yelling or hitting or physical abuse. So she told me to just keep reminding her to go and get a domestic abuse counselor in hopes that the counselor will help her start to unravel her wrong thinking. I’m not sure my daughter will ever contact me again Because she said she was cutting off all her family because they refused to send her money in her time of need. So since she hinted but didn’t outright say I was included in that that I went ahead and told her that the problem isnt all these people in her life, special needs kids, and all that but that the problem was her thinking and bad choices and the people she chose to be around. I figure I have nothing to lose in telling her she needs to get a domestic abuse counselor or someone who deals with addicts and criminals. Basically she needs someone who will call her out on manipulations and lies she uses as excuses to have no responsibility. I’m not sorry I told her. The email is harsh especially after losing a husband. I’ve been divorced and had hardship but I kept my credentials locked up around questionable people and didn’t hand them over to them to control. I didn't move in with such people. If I dated someone I wasn’t sure about I had my own house that I kept to go back to so I wouldn’t get in jeopardy. This taking down 5 people thing happened to my Dad. They kept enabling my half brother. He financially wiped out Dad, stepmom, his mom and stepdad, wife and daughter and in the end he killed himself huffing freon.

 

[Kat9]

Well, she finally wrote me back an email two liner response to my letter refusing to help her and why which I cover in the above post. I explained I had sought counseling by a Franciscan Oblate out of state who specializes in counseling people with abuse issues, drug addiction, and criminality And that the lady said she needs a counselor dealing with being a victim of abuse. Her only responsely response to this was “You spilled my entire life to a stranger to me. “I don’t like it. I won’t tell you anything about my life anymore. Dad was right you are drama.” I wrote back that I found it more fitting to seek counseling by a stranger rather than defame my family with my Priest or people that know her that could hurt her reputation. I asked How could I be causing drama when I had not contacted her but rather she had contacted me wanting something from me and now she was mad. She likes to say to me her Dad says I’m nothing but drama to try to make me feel crazy. However I was 17 when I married him and 20 when I divorced him. He couldn’t pay the bills and played his family for support so I moved away and developed a career. I had not contacted her in a very long time until her husband died And she called me from the hospital Just a day or two before he died. She didn’t even tell me he had been very ill. She didn’t even contact me during all that. Even after that I’ve been very limited reaching out to her because of how she is. She only goes on and on about how terrible her life is or how she’s crossways with this person or that person. Or how she’s fighting with the kids teachers and everyone up at their school. Or how she’s a witch now and into Wicca, rocks and crystal balls. its too depressing and anxiety producing to even listen to her. She hasn’t mentioned the witch stuff in a while but she has indications in photo stuff I see on line that she still might lean toward that. I’m very depressed and am not functioning right now. I hate what she is living. I hate what she’s putting her kids through. Just saw a picture of her daughter on line. She’s old enough to be interested in boys at 14. What’s going to happen to her? I don’t even know my Granddaughter. I live out of state and couldn’t really be with them. When her husband died she told me that the funeral director told her whom her husband worked for that,” “Only people who come forward to help you are your real friends and family.” That people who offer only condolences do not care about you.“

 

[Kat9]

Well, she finally wrote me back an email two liner response to my letter refusing to help her and why which I cover in the above post. I explained I had sought counseling by a Franciscan Oblate out of state who specializes in counseling people with abuse issues, drug addiction, and criminality And that the lady said she needs a counselor dealing with being a victim of abuse. Her only responsely response to this was “You spilled my entire life to a stranger to me. “I don’t like it. I won’t tell you anything about my life anymore. Dad was right you are drama.” I wrote back that I found it more fitting to seek counseling by a stranger rather than defame my family with my Priest or people that know her that could hurt her reputation. I asked How could I be causing drama when I had not contacted her but rather she had contacted me wanting something from me and now she was mad. She likes to say to me her Dad says I’m nothing but drama to try to make me feel crazy. However I was 17 when I married him and 20 when I divorced him. He couldn’t pay the bills and played his family for support so I moved away and developed a career. I had not contacted her in a very long time until her husband died And she called me from the hospital Just a day or two before he died. She didn’t even tell me he had been very ill. She didn’t even contact me during all that. Even after that I’ve been very limited reaching out to her because of how she is. She only goes on and on about how terrible her life is or how she’s crossways with this person or that person. Or how she’s fighting with the kids teachers and everyone up at their school. Or how she’s a witch now and into Wicca, rocks and crystal balls. its too depressing and anxiety producing to even listen to her. She hasn’t mentioned the witch stuff in a while but she has indications in photo stuff I see on line that she still might lean toward that. I’m very depressed and am not functioning right now. I hate what she is living. I hate what she’s putting her kids through. Just saw a picture of her daughter on line. She’s old enough to be interested in boys at 14. What’s going to happen to her? I don’t even know my Granddaughter. I live out of state and couldn’t really be with them. When her husband died she told me that the funeral director told her whom her husband worked for that,” “Only people who come forward to help you are your real friends and family.” That people who offer only condolences do not care about you.“ I used to really try to counsel her and send crafts and things to stimulate my Granddaughter. But when she wouldn’t take care of the things I sent and try to use them or help granddaughter with them I just gave up.

 

[Kat9]

I feel stuck in my emotions and having trouble moving forward.

 

[ksm]

That's normal. Since her husband died...are these children his? Has she applied for the kids social security? That would help her have some funds. She needs to apply for help available where she lives.

It's hard to watch someone make horrible decisions, then expect others to help them. Ksm

 

[Copabanana]

That's normal. Since her husband died...are these children his? Has she applied for the kids social security? That would help her have some funds. She needs to apply for help available where she lives.

It's hard to watch someone make horrible decisions, then expect others to help them. Ksm

There is also help through Regional Center.

 

[LetGo]

I feel stuck in my emotions and having trouble moving forward.

This happens to us sometimes. Words can be manipulated to make us feel crappy and deflect away from your daughter looking at her choices. It would help if she'd follow through with getting help/financial assistance for her children with special needs. This is her life. Try to do some self care for you, hot shower and a movie or whatever you enjoy.

 

[Kat9]

That's normal. Since her husband died...are these children his? Has she applied for the kids social security? That would help her have some funds. She needs to apply for help available where she lives.

It's hard to watch someone make horrible decisions, then expect others to help them. Ksm

She’s Been married 3 times and had 2 die. Kids were already getting checks but its not enough to survive on. She was getting survivors check too but lost it when married husband on his death bed, She shouldn’t have married him but rather gotten power of attorney for his medical decisions. So they were married for one month and lost her benefit to get his $15,000 savings. In the long run she’d have gotten way more on the benefit.If there are two choices she always takes the one that makes no sense. Perhaps his mind was gone and she couldn’t reason with him.

 

[Kat9]

What is regional center?