Dazed and Confused Thanks Giving

[so ready to live]

We've missed your wisdom Leafy. For LBL and all of us who are drawn to the flame and burned only to come back here for love and support. En mass we are so much stronger.

 

[BusynMember]

Ah, hi, dear leafy. Yay. It is rather tough love to parents...but i lived through it. On both ends. I am not in the throes now, but I was and have talked about it with my daughter. My words are really HER words that she told me about drugs and addiction. Who would know better? I shudder when parents give their last dimes to addicts...we need to survive too. Money doesnt help. Our last breath doesnt help. It has to be THEM. So hard, I know.

It is so good to "see" you, but I am so sorry that you are hurting.

 

[RN0441]

Leafy

We miss you terribly and welcome your wisdom...always.

No one understands how we feel other than us.

 

[Littleboylost]

It has been a long while since I have written here.
I have been working hard at shifting my focus and trying to rediscover (reinvent?) myself, which caused a hiatus from posting.
I returned from my walk the other morning deep in thought and a bit troubled by recent events with Tornado. I logged on to see an alert to this post.
It was the quote that triggered the alert, Albie, a reminder to me, as I still wrestle with my heart, my thoughts and the winding road of dealing with this
You all have been such a support, a true lighthouse in calm and stormy times in my own struggle with what I see now as a sychronistic tailspin with two addicted adult children.
Like a moth to the flame, drawn by love and despair, burned over and again by the heartache of it all.
Dammit, as lost as they are in their drug world, I became lost myself.
These are our children, and we are catapulted smack dab into the desolation of their addiction.

This grief we deal with,
is rekindled with each twist and turn,
the blows just keep on
and on
and on.
Here we all are, holding each other's hearts and hands, trying to soften those blows.
LBL, that morning walk, I prayed and traveled the maze in my mind, seeking solace from my latest episode with Tornado. I was also grappling with thoughts of her approaching birthday, October 20. She will be 29.
I found myself spinning again, that moth to the flame feeling.......
Stop.
Breath.
Rethink.
If I could change one word in that old post Albie quoted, it would be ignore.
How can any mother ignore this?
I suppose at the time of writing it, I was at a point in the stages of grief, fed up, tired, angry.
I needed respite from the battle.
I was tired of feeling lost.
Probably in a "no contact" period, often imposed by my daughter as punishment.
What an odd world we are living in, dealing day in and out with the degradation of this
Ugh.
Today, I would say ignoring it is impossible, it is always In the back of my mind.
Recognition of that has helped me in the never ending road of recovery.
It is not because I am strong, it is because I am weak.

My two are con artists and I am their easy mark. They have a bag of tricks and I am no match.
I went through all the shoulda, woulda, coulda, over and again.

That isn't ignoring, that's bloody work.
I had to step back.
Like an outmatched boxer in the ring I had to bob and weave and step back.
The blows keep on coming.
Ignore them?
No way.
I have to continuously build my toolbox bigger than their bag of tricks.
I don't ignore my two and the choices they make.
Now, I try to look at it right in the face.
It has been ongoing for years.
They are drug addicts.
Addicts lie and steal.
Addicts harm their loved ones.
Swot, I used to think that was harsh to write here to hurting parents, but it is the reality of it.
Truth.
We all must do what we must do to deal with this
I think it was Cedar who wrote "lest we cannot look ourselves in the mirror"
You are right to give your son his wings to fly on his own.
It is not an easy thing either way, how I do feel for you and your aching heart.
Take the time you need to feel and find your way through this
Take extremely good care of yourself.
My hopes and prayers go out to all for strength and comfort.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

Leafy
Thank you so very much. Today has been a terrible day. Son missed bail meeting yesterday and missed court today. We didn’t even know he had a court date today.
His Birthday is tomorrow he will be 18. A decade behind your Tornado.
This is not how I imagined parenthood and spending time with my son as he turns 18. We probably won’t see him at all.
I need to learn how to detach with love for him and me. Grief is getting in the way.

 

[Littleboylost]

I am in the horrible throws of feeling guilty and afraid.
Took his phone and he missed bail yesterday and court today.
If he had his phone what difference would it have made. There was nothing on there to notify him of bail or court. Why do we do this to ourselves.
He has a bus pass. He demanded we not be involved in his life.
I wrestle with the idea that I have isolated him and cut him off. He was using his phone to buy and sell drugs.
NO is No. I need to calm down and respect that decision. He is living the life he invested in for himself.
I can’t rescue him. It will only prolong the inevitable.
Oh how I wish there was an easy button for all of this.
We all have endured so much and I am so grateful to see that we do endure and we do survive.

 

[Copabanana]

look. if you bought that phone and pay for calling he betrayed your trust by his behavior. for which he is responsible, not you. but more, you would be enabling his addiction and criminality.

second. he. not you is responsible for the chain of events involving bail and court.

he wants you out of his life? good.let him leave. now. today.

why string this out?

you are writing endings when there is (are?)none. this is a conversation. you have been muzzling yourself. stop it.

nobody is interested in what he says. his brain is addled and he is too big for his britches. he has too much power.

let him leave. let's see what he does. there are lots of chances. for him. for you. but close the curtains on this act! there is no good to come of it.

 

[It'sbeentoolong]

Thank you all for your support and insight today. I'm sorry you hurt. I'm sorry we all hurt.

I certainly could have written this. I told our counselor once that I no longer felt guilty or ashamed, I simply felt overwhelming profound sadness at the waste of his life. I truly also feel that in reality there should be profound sadness about how I'm wasting my life grieving about his. It does pinpoint the fact that I must believe my son's life is worth more than mine. That is what is so hard for me, to realize my value. It seems selfish and foreign to me to put myself above him...and this thought in itself belies the fact that I believe I control this all. Underneath the blah, blah, blah I'm still always trying to pull the strings...

"in reality there should be profound sadness about how I'm wasting my life grieving about his." That is the truth I am trying to accept. I'm taking a codependent Breaking Free class and one of the symptoms is Accepting our Reality. I feel grief about my son who is mentally ill and killing himself with drugs. My grief is killing me. It's really him or me.

 

[Copabanana]

no it 's not him or you. we just feel that way. our sacrifice of ourselves does not save them. to save ourselves does not hurt or cost them.

 

[so ready to live]

LBL---please rest and wait. Now is the time for that. As hard as it is, let this play out. You have given your son the respect of treating him as an adult. He has made adult decisions (albeit foolish in our eyes). Try not to look at that phone, if you can't cut off service, just shut down phone. Would you grieve that he missed bail and court if you knew he would be picked up as a a result and that would save him? Of course not. You have truly tried it all and that didn't work. Now-a new day, doing a new thing.

we just feel that way

and we do feel that way...but feelings aren't facts and they can be deceptive.

our sacrifice of ourselves does not save them. to save ourselves does not hurt or cost them.

But it can cost our marriage, our health, our sanity.

This is not how I imagined parenthood

It is said, "Expectation is the root of all heartache". Many of us here have learned that the hard way. It's such a change in programming for me to expect less or nothing. I'm not wired that way. It's how I have always ordered my world. But now a new day.
Today (and maybe tomorrow too) I will go horseback riding. Fall is a beautiful time and for a couple hours I won't think of my son. It's a relief to forget the chaos that is us. The chaos I didn't expect and don't have the power to fix.
Do something just for you and your hubs this weekend. It won't feel right, but you need it. You'll get through this. Prayers.

 

[Littleboylost]

Today is my sons Birthday. He is 18 today.
I have canceled his phone and I have place the hand set in the family safe.
He text several times last evening and called from a Friends phone seeking shelter for he and his new found and newly homeless girlfriend. We did not respond.
I sent a message back this morning. Wishing him a happy Birthday and advising they seek the support of social services for housing.
Crying is the mode of the day today. There is nothing left now. Nothing more to be done.

 

[BusynMember]

This is so sad for you (you are probably sadder than your son who deliberately dismissed all of your attempts to help him). His choice in girlfriend shows he has not changed yet. Like finds like.
You however have changed...you are stronger and sadder. I never will forget how I cried like a baby for weeks after I made my daughter leave at 19. It was gutwrenching and filled me with guilt and despair and you probably have those feelings too.
Yet it helped my daughter decide to change and I hope the same for your son.
Asking the Universe to look out for you and your son today and in the future. Be good to yourself today. You deserve it. You worked very hard to stand strong. It is not easy for a mother to do.

 

[Littleboylost]

This is so sad for you (you are probably sadder than your son who deliberately dismissed all of your attempts to help him). His choice in girlfriend shows he has not changed yet. Like finds like.
You however have changed...you are stronger and sadder. I never will forget how I cried like a baby for weeks after I made my daughter leave at 19. It was gutwrenching and filled me with guilt and despair and you probably have those feelings too.
Yet it helped my daughter decide to change and I hope the same for your son.
Asking the Universe to look out for you and your son today and in the future. Be good to yourself today. You deserve it. You worked very hard to stand strong. It is not easy for a mother to do.

SWOT thank you for your honesty and insight. Yes it is a day of tears and guilt. Coming here prevents me from rescuing him. It would be a short term rescue with disasterous results.

 

[RN0441]

LBL

Yes and you will have to start OVER. You've come too far to do that.

We're here for you.

 

[BusynMember]

Thats the saddest part of all. Our inability to help in a long term, lasting way. It is very frustrating and scary to think they are on their own. Most of them make such poor choices and are so immature. Been there, have the shirt. So sorry.

 

[New Leaf]

our sacrifice of ourselves does not save them. to save ourselves does not hurt or cost them.

ahhh the wisdom of this.......
LBL, as hard as this is, it will get better. As you work through the grief and the fog of it, it will get better.
I have my good days and not so good, but I don't allow myself to sink too far into the abyss, it is a dishonor to me and to my two.
It is writing the end to the story.
For where there is life, there is hope and even though it has been a long road for my two, I still have hope that one day they will see their true potential.

Grief is getting in the way.

It is not in the way, dear, it is a process that we must go through.
Though the grief of this is hard, your son is young and has much to learn, and you are teaching him a valuable lesson of self worth.
By not allowing your son to continue to disrespect you and your husband and the sanctity of your home, you are teaching him.
It feels contrary to everything we have done for our young adult children to show them the door and when we do, all of those memories we cling to come flooding over us.
Thats okay.
In the throes of dealing with the chaos at home, we are gaslighted, caught up in the swirly whirly, sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, that is what I meant by looking back-seeing a synchronistic tailspin with my two.
It simply has to stop.
Someone has to be the adult and say no more.

If you can't follow the rules, there is the door.

Then, the house is quiet, and you are left with your thoughts, the grief and the shoulda, coulda woulda's.

Be kind and gentle to yourself.
You are battle worn.
Though you said your son has not been violent, he has violated your home, your trust and your heart.

That, is unacceptable.

You have value and worth. By understanding that and drawing boundary lines, you are showing your son by your word and actions that he does, too.

I have to keep reminding myself that I must live well. I truly believe that by picking myself up, gritting my teeth, carrying on, striving to live the best rest of my life, I am showing my children that they can, too.

He text several times last evening and called from a Friends phone seeking shelter for he and his new found and newly homeless girlfriend.

Ouch, that was fast. When Rain left at 18, she went silent. She is stubborn. Years of the revolving door syndrome (in and out of the house) I had to learn. Came home after work to find her homeless friends partying up in my back yard.
That is the last thing you need, a bunch of lost, no conscience drug friends knowing where you live.

Stay strong LBL. There will probably be more messages. The only way these d c's learn is by understanding and living the consequences of their choices.

You can do this, one day, one minute, one step at a time.

Honor your feelings, cry if you must, and when you feel up to it, start to build your toolbox. Keep posting. Though I took a break, this site and the wisdom, kindness and understanding here has been and is a lifeline for me.

Big hugs to you warrior sister.

Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

In the throes of dealing with the chaos at home, we are gaslighted, caught up in the swirly whirly, sleepless nights, anxiety, depression, that is what I meant by looking back-seeing a synchronistic tailspin with my two.
It simply has to stop.
Someone has to be the adult and say no more.

If you can't follow the rules, there is the door.

Oh the gaslighting. It makes me feel as tough I am gong insane. And the lies and the just one more chance. And yes Leafy the house is quiet and that does leave us haunted with it own thoughts.

Trying not to go too deep. Keeping busy and distracted.

Thank you all for your support! this is just so damn difficult. Especially when I am swimming up steam against him and the guilt slinging system.

No other children to occupy our thoughts and focus. That is probably a good thing in some ways.

 

[Copabanana]

stand firm.

the begging is good. you can see the power shift before your very eyes. apparently he believed the gravy train would go on forever. this was not good for him.

you are doing the right thing. i do not think you had a choice. i have only disrespect for the professionals who pressured and guilted you. they were very wrong.