Detaching "WITH LOVE"?

[SuZir]

Environmental factors are much more than loving a child. Parental care is a small part of it. And big part of even that is something we often give little thought of. Some people are a good fit together, some are not. Temperament is something we are born with. And while one temperament type isn't better than other, it is often a bad fit if people have very different temperaments. And that is of course more likely to happen with an adopted child than with your biological child. If laid back parent gets a sensitive, irritable and impulsive child, it may well feel like a child is almost like an alien and simply unparentable from the get go.

By the way, while new genetic factors have also been found in recent studies, some are also putting into the question things we have always assumed to be inherited like talents. New studies seem to imply that to master a skill (like playing an instrument or throwing a ball really well) one needs certain amount of practise, about 10 000 hours, and that is it. Any kind of talent doesn't seem to play any significant role and kids who did seem talented in the beginning are no better than untalented ones after all that practising. So basically concept of talent is meaningless. It is just about practising enough.

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[BusynMember]

Lucas would have likely been so vulnerable if he had grown up in the neighborhood he was born in that some drug dealer would have controlled him and forced him to deal drugs. He was born in Cook County Chicago in one of the highest crime and gang-infested areas there is. Unlike most adopted children, Lucas is very aware of this and has expressed many times how relieved he is that he doesn't live there. I guess he saw stuff on TV because I'd never belittle the place his birthparents lived and probably suffered from extreme poverty and lack of hope. I try to keep Lucas's birth family in as positive a light as I can to him. But he is aware that he could have lived in a dangerous place. And he never had that challenge of street drugs, gangs and war zones, thankfully. He is a gentle soul whereas he may not have turned out that way if he hadn't been moved to another world (a middle class, safe lifestyle). So, TL, I totally agree with you that nature certainly matters to a point. Being abused as a child matters too.

However, even great parents end up with antisocial children. In fact, one child can be very well adjusted while another, maybe a child of another father or a stepchild or an adopted child can turn out to be like that "off" parent...the child is hardwired to be defiant against society. I really can't see anything any of us did so wrong that our children turned into criminals and most of our difficult children are. Most of us have law abiding, agreeable adult children as well. They are brought up the same.

I always say if you have great kids you gave them some lucky genes, but if you don't and you were loving and kind and giving to your children, then something else is at work...nature.

I do believe most adoptive parents believe that nature trumps nurture. It is hard to find anyone in my adoption parent group who doesn't feel that way because so many know/knew their child's family before the adoption or afterward. I believe some people are born with more resilience than others (Jumper being an example and 36 being an example of somebody who totally falls apart under pressure). Both were raised by us since birth.

It is not helpful to feel guilty or to blame ourselves.

Science is just now studying personality disorders, which seems to be what most of our difficult children seem to have. This is new territory. When I was a wee one, things like Autism was a form of schizophrenia caused by refrigerator mothers. Now we know about heredity, but back then it was Mom's fault. They are just learning about personality disorders and differences in the brain. If our kids are born with differences in the brain, there isn't much to feel guilty about, is there?

In ten years we will know much more. Maybe there will actually be help. A mental illness that is not a personality disorder is far more understood and treatable, at this point, than a personality disorder, which, until this past decade, was thought to be untreatable. Borderline is an example. Just now they are learning that motivated borderlines can be helped, but it is by a very exact therapy called dialectal behavioral therapy, not medication and not talk therapy. This is brand new. We are young in this field.

So our adult kids may have hope that we don't even know will exist in a few years. A reason to Keep the Faith and pray a lot to the higher power of our choice.

 

[Signorina]

I too agree that nature performs the hardwiring...

My h was raised by his bio mom who had primary custody of him at age 5 and beyond. He saw his bio dad every-other-weekend until age 8 or so when his dad & new family moved away. H has a 1/2 sister he met as a baby but then he did not see her for 20 odd years until she was married with kids of her own.

Long story short- h and his half sister are incredibly alike. They look alike, talk alike, have the same cadences, mannerisms, and use the same phrases. They have the same values and work ethics and a stranger would think they were raised as best friends. She has 4 boys, we have 3 and our children look and act like brothers- even though they have met only a few times. In fact, my pc17 looks just like his Aunti K. Interestingly enough, neither one of them were raised by their shared father - Ks mom ended up raising her with her older kids after they got divorced. My h is nothing like his full bio brother with- whom he was raised and K is nothing like her maternal half siblings with whom she was raised. Yet she and her 1/2 sibling - my h- are almost the same person! It's all genetics and it's unbelievable until you're in the same room with them.

 

[SuZir]

Even identical twins turn out very differently quite often. If nature would trump environmental factors, that wouldn't be a case. And even more so it is common that same parents have kids who end up to very different life even though same genetically factors are there to play.

Environmental factors are what tend to change. There never is two kids raised in same way and same environment in one family. Life isn't stable and family situation, life events, family dynamics all change and no two kids in the same family has a same childhood or same upbringing even when it comes to things in the family, and as said, things in the family are just a tiny bit of environmental factors. And children don't answer same way to same parenting techniques. One parent for example may be in their comfort zone when they talk calmly with a child who likes to think things through deeply and from many point of views but feels exhausted with a child who needs clear and precis instructions and doesn't care much about talking about whys. And someone loses their cool with sensitive, easily crying child, who never dares to try anything even a bit different and some one else is totally in the end of their rope with wild daredevil child. Two different kids will always have different relationship with their parent even though parent feels he or she treated the children just the same.

But as said, parents have only one part to play in environmental factors. In the end most parents spend just couple wake hours a day with their kids. Rest 10 to 14 wake hours the kids are influenced mostly by totally different people or things. And then there are physical surroundings and how they influence. For example something like lead paint in the crib or toy has changed quite a many 'natures' to totally different. And even when it is nothing huge like that, simple things like sleep pattern, nutrition, exercise and playing etc. change the brains of the kids.

If the troubled kid is adopted, it is easy to think that is what is causing the problems. When you have given birth for your troubled kid, you start to notice it is not all birth parents fault...

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[Lil]

I find the nature v. nurture question both fascinating and terrifying. My son is also my biological child. His father and I separated when he was 10 months old and divorced shortly thereafter. He saw him occasionally until he was 5, then never saw him again. His dad (my husband) adopted him when he was 7 and shortly thereafter his biodad died. My son has no real memories of him.

Even when he was little, I saw things in him that were his dad dead-out. When he'd get in trouble, you'd be scolding him and he'd get this little smirk on his face...exactly something his biodad did. I see him in my son more than ever now. It gets worse as time goes by.

His biodad was an alcoholic. He stole from his parents. He was a pathological liar. He was manipulative. He didn't want to get a job and work. He thought other people should just like him and his life should just be good with no effort on his part. I've often said the song, "All I want to do is have some fun" about sitting on a bar, drinking on a Tuesday, while the "good people" of the world are washing their cars on their lunch breaks...signaled the downfall of my marriage. It came on in the car one day and I turned to my ex and said, "This is how you think you should live your life, isn't it?"

Other than the alcoholism, I see all these things in my son. I'm not like that. My husband isn't like that. We're honest, hard-working, decent people. We tried to raise him like we were raised and to set a good example. We're completely lost because we don't understand people like that; how anyone could want to live that way.

It really scares me.

 

[toughlovin]

I certainly don't look at my difficult child and think oh this is all his birth parents fault....I think adoptive parents do sometimes look at things a bit differently...we don't feel any guilt or defensive about genes that were passed down. We also dont have expectations based on "good" genes that might be in the family. We often really dont have much clue about the genetic background of our kids.

However before I was a parent I attributed much more to environment than I do now. I have two kids and their are aspects to their personalities that have always been there no matter what I have done as a parent. My son has always been defiant and no matter how I have tried to deal with that it has still been true. What is clear to me is that I did not cause his defiance, that has been part of his personality since he was 3 years old. I think I have taught him some good things along the way that may have helped but it has not changed his need/love for breaking rules.

There are other things that are clearly part of wiring...I saw this very clearly in sleep and eating patterns. My kids were opposite in this regard and I adapted to each of their styles.

So yes my parenting differed some between my kids but that was partly because of who they were when they were born!

I don't necessarily think nature always trumps nurture but I know that nurture definitely does not trump nature either.

TL


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[Stress Bunny]

This is an interesting discussion.

As an adoptive mom of two children and also a foster parent of around 20 or so, I have learned that biology matters MUCH more than I had ever thought. This is not about blaming. It's about the truth.

In the case of our oldest difficult child, JT, he seems to have a personality disorder. The traits have been constant his entire life, and nothing we have done has changed anything; very stable characteristics. His bio family is full of dysfunction, mental health issues, substance abuse, trouble with the law, poverty, and domestic violence. As I mentioned, even some of JT's specific mannerisms are identical to his bio mom and half brother. It is uncanny. We have NEVER spoken poorly of JT's bio family with him. We have always shared that his bio mom loved him very much but was not equipped to take proper care of him, which is the truth.

I KNOW that nothing we have done or didn't do has caused JT's lack of conscience, lack of empathy, compulsive lying, substance abuse, egotistical/narcissistic attitude, sexual promiscuity, or failure to take personal and financial responsibility for his own life. We (and our entire family) have loved him dearly and surrounded him with wonderful relationships and role models, as well as a faith in God. There is no divorce, no smoking, alcohol, or drug use, or violence in our home. We live a comfortable life financially. husband and I are both working professionals, and we live a healthy lifestyle, and pay our bills and take care of each other, our home, and property. We have tried our hardest to raise JT with positive encouragement and support. I know of much worse parents raising children in much worse situations who have grown into decent, respectable adults now.

Genetics are playing out strongly here for JT, I believe. I hope and pray that he will make better choices in the future, but the reality is that he may well struggle his entire life. I am heartbroken. I wake up every day with an urgent sense that I need to do something to fix things and then I realize just as quickly that there is absolutely nothing I can do at all to fix anything. I feel very powerless and demoralized. The serenity prayer is a constant source of strength for me now.

 

[Nancy]

"All you have to do is adopt a child to see the nature/nurture."

OMG MWM I was just about to say the same thing when I scrolled down and read that. Yes of course there are other factors and yes of course environment can make a difference but no one can tell me that nature isn't the prevailing factor.

"Many adoptive parents talk about how, upon meeting their child's birthmother for the first time, their child, who has never seen his/her family walks, talks and even has gestures of the bio. family."

Yes yes yes!

Do people mature and modify their behavior? Yes. I am a combination of my mother and my father, both good and bad traits. As I got older I have been able to see that more clearly and moderate those things that weren't working for me. My adult daughter now tells me she has the same traits I do, and she is correct, some of which I wish I didn't pass onto her.

Many studies have been done using twins to conclude that genetics plays the most important part in a persons character.

Of course my difficult child can learn self control by life experiences and natural consequences, but she was born with the genetic DNA that had none.

 

[Childofmine]

From all I have read and studied, genetics plays the greatest role in whether a person becomes addicted or not, and how people cope---learned behaviors---is also a huge factor.

Here is one link:

http://addictionsandrecovery.org/is-addiction-a-disease.htm

When I look at my family history on both sides, there are multiple addictions---food, alcohol, drugs and also mental illness.

My difficult child has the DNA he was born with, which includes the genetic predisposition to addiction from both sides of our family. I have also read a lot about triggers, which can have an influence about whether a person becomes addicted or not.

One of my sons is an addict, the other is not (at least right now). Could the other son become one? Very possibly, I believe. He will have to safeguard against that for the rest of his life.

My difficult child has anxiety and depression and has since he was little. We had a lot of boundaries set for him, and gave him a lot of love, affection and support over the years.

But he does not have good coping skills, and I believe he found a way to ease his troubles with drugs.

Also, an addict stops maturing when they start using. So, his normal development has stopped. That is why he makes immature decisions at age 25 (almost), also part of the addiction. His reasoning is not developed.

Also, another factor: as a person uses substances, his/her brain chemistry is changed.

I believe it is impossible---like most things in this world---to point definitively to a cause-and-effect relationship about addiction, at least. There are multiple variables at work here.

Would I have done some things differently and earlier with difficult child? Absolutely. I would have taken him for mental health treatment much earlier on.

Am I to blame or responsible for his addiction? No. I know I was/am a very good mother. Not perfect, of course, and I made mistakes along the way, but in no way did I cause this.

My son can change, but he will have to learn different ways of dealing with life. Life on life's terms. Until he is ready to do that, I believe little will change for him.

 

[Nancy]

COM I had my difficult child in mental health counseling since she was 6. I am here to tell you that they have no idea how to help kids like ours. I lost count of the number of counselors/therapists that worked with her. From where we sit now it was a huge waste of money. I had a conversation with my difficult child the other day about some of the therapists she saw and she told me how she just learned to say whatever they wanted to hear and the only one that was helpful at all to her was the one that taught her yoga and how to self comfort. She also said that she hated one therapist that did holding therapy and told her that her biological mom didn't care about her and that had a huge negative impact on her that she thinks about today.

 

[SuZir]

If addiction is a destiny, why not all identical twins who has twin with addiction issues are addict too?

Why anyone is talking anything about choices, if it is the genes? If you truely believe that, you also have to believe, that your kids had no other choice than became addicted. If they were predestined to that, nothing they could had done could make a difference.

Luckily real world doesn't seem to work that way and people are not predestined to addictions, mental illnesses, type two diabetes or anything else. While there are genetic factors, we can change our lives because environmental factors are stronger than genetic, that just give some outlines and risk factors.

It is well possible CoM's other child will never became addict even though he may have genetic risks to it, because environment matters.

As I said, many studies show, that even the most inherited mental illness, schizophrenia, genes explain only 50 % of the probability. About same is true with male alcoholics (with female genes seem to play lesser part, in other words, 50 % of identical twins of male alcoholics are also alcoholic, but with female identical twins the correlation is lesser.) Of course 50 % is a lot, but it still leaves other 50 % for environment. And that is a part we can do something about (if you are not prepared to propose government mandated eugenics programs.)

Temperament is highly inborn (not so sure how much is genetic and how much environmental (for example hormonal variance of the mother etc.) during the time in the womb) and yes, child with sensitive, 'fussy', clingy, impulsive and irritable temperament is more difficult to raise than more laid back and serene kid, but that is not a reason to throw your hands in the air and start to blame genetics and do nothing. It just mean that you have to be even more careful with environment. While there are some people, who turn out okay in horrible environments, those are few. Most don't.

And when it comes to personality disorders, they do indeed have some genetic factors and even more they have to do with early environment. However new studies, like the one I posted about in general parenting board, show, that core traits of some of the most difficult personality disorders, psychopathy and sociopathy, can be treated with success, when started early enough (preferably before age 10.) Unfortunately the effective treatment method is the one that doesn't tend to be the one people who are raising children with these callous-unemotional traits tend to turn to, when they notice their child doesn't seem to have ability to empathy and are lacking conscience. First reaction of any normal, common sense parent or guardian would likely be about opposite to methods that have given great promise in treatment of these children.

 

[Nancy]

SuZir where did anyone say that addiction was a predetermined fact or destiny? I believe the addictive trait is genetic whether that be to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, video games, or any number of other things. That does not mean I believe everyone that is born from an addict has that gene and even if they do that they will succumb to it. My father is an alcoholic, I am not. Almost all of his sibling were also alcoholics along with his father. But I don't think my not becoming an alcoholic had anything to do with my environment but I believe the other characteristics I was born with were more prevalent, including resilience.

I'm not sure what you are disagreeing with since I haven't seen anyone say their child has no choice than to become addicted because their parent is, we are just recognizing the importance that genetics play, and it is huge. Perhaps the only difference is you seem to feel the environment can stop that from happening in many more cases than I do and that may be true in some cases but I believe in those cases the person has other characteristics that were inherited that allowed them to compensate, for example self control, resilience, lack of impulsiveness. I can show you many other studies done on adoptees but unless you have that experience it's only theory.

Does any of this deny the fact that nurture or environment plays an important part in a person's outcome? Not at all. I am convinced that without our intervention my difficult child would be far worse off and possibly dead. But did we stop the addiction in her? No. She has learned some coping skills and lessons that hopefully she remembers before allowing herself to fall into the same pattern she was in years ago, but in all honestly, the chances of that happening are much greater than if she did not have the genetics that she does. She will always struggle.

In any case I've had this discussion far too many times with people to want to get into it again. It's like the chicken and the egg thing. And it also is the stuff that adoptive families have to deal with every day, but if we did not feel we had any impact on their lives adoption would be obsolete.

 

[SuZir]

I'm disagreeing, that life is just about genetics. That if you happen to be that poor b**** who happens to have 'addiction'-gene and 'lack of resilience'-gene and 'lack of other redeeming characteristics' gene, there is nothing that can happen, that would make it possible for you not to become an addict. And on the other hand: I'm really against an idea, that it doesn't matter, how we treat our children, because it doesn't make any difference. If they just have worthy genes, they will rise from any circumstances and fly and if not, so bad, so sad.

If person has a parent with type two diabetes, we are not telling them, that it is no use for them to eat right or exercise, because if they have that gene (and don't have any saving genes to nill the effect) they will get it no matter what. That is simply not true. Neither is that if child happens to have bad mental health genes, he is goner, and nothing parents do, can make any difference.

Especially when things like addiction are so much more complex things, than what they are usually portrayed. No one for example still can explain, why vast majority of alcoholics and other substance abusers have spontaneous remission in their condition and why majority of them are able to go back to social drinking, while for some social substance use means relapse to addiction. If it would be just genetic, chronic and progressive disease, that would not be a case.

EDIT: My dad was an alcoholic too for decades, though nowadays he is in remission and is a social drinker and my mother was a pothead. I'm neither and I'm fairly sure it is not because some other characteristics, but because of environmental factors e.g. pure dumb luck.

 

[Stress Bunny]

If addiction is a destiny, why not all identical twins who has twin with addiction issues are addict too?

The genetics vs environment issue is complicated, and I did not intend to create any discord with my original post or imply that "addiction is a destiny". In addition, I believe our son has a personality disorder along with his substance abuse problem. From the research I have done, genetics can either cause or predispose a person to certain issues. There are studies that indicate genetics play a larger role in determining personality/character than environment. I am not denying that environment is an important consideration in healthy child development, but in the case of our son, he had a great environment and still displays personality disorder traits, substance abuse, high-risk behavior, ADHD, and a host of other problems. All of these issues are present to a high degree in his bio family, and I very much doubt this is a simple coincidence. Most research indicates a combination of genetic and environmental factors for the development of personality disorders. In terms of addiction, the 50% genetic effect you mention is very significant with which to be born into the world.

And when it comes to personality disorders, they do indeed have some genetic factors and even more they have to do with early environment.

I have not seen any research to support that early environment plays a larger role in the development of personality disorders than genetics.

You referred to callous-unemotional traits in your post:

Unfortunately the effective treatment method is the one that doesn't tend to be the one people who are raising children with these callous-unemotional traits tend to turn to, when they notice their child doesn't seem to have ability to empathy and are lacking conscience.

Callous-unemotional (CU) traits in children are highly heritable:

"These differences, researchers say, are most likely genetic in origin. One study calculated the heritability of callous-unemotional traits at 80 percent." From: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/m...ear-old-a-psychopath.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

While this article does indicate that certain therapies may be helpful in developing empathy in such children, that they haven't been tested in C.U. children, but that warm/affectionate parenting "seems to" reduce callousness in those children over time.

but that is not a reason to throw your hands in the air and start to blame genetics and do nothing

I feel offended by this remark, largely because, though I believe genetics play a HUGE role in our oldest son's current mental health issues, I have not thrown my hands in the air and done nothing. Nor would I advise others to do so. We have spent the past 18 years of our lives in a constant state of crisis, trying to help our son. We have tried SO hard that we were left completely physically and emotionally exhausted. Raising him was the most difficult thing either of us has ever done. At this point, JT is an adult, and despite all of what we've done for him, he is making his own decisions now. I didn't cause these choices, and I cannot control or change them either. It's up to him.

When we first met that two-year-old, beautiful, blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy in the tiny green pants with suspenders and green tennis shoes, all of his earthly possessions fitting into a brown paper bag, we thought we could give him the love and security and family he needed. We thought that we could overcome any problems he might have with lots of caring effort. We thought we could help make his life great and make up for anything he missed. But we were so wrong.

 

[SuZir]

I feel offended by this remark, largely because, though I believe genetics play a HUGE role in our oldest son's current mental health issues, I have not thrown my hands in the air and done nothing. Nor would I advise others to do so.

I'm sorry if you feel offended. My intention was not so. In your posts you make it clear, you have done everything you could, were able to, and knew how, to help your son. That not seemingly helping him much is a shame and certainly not your fault.

I'm also not trying to imply, that someone else in this thread/on the boards would have not tried their very best with their children. I'm sure we all did. Most of us probably did some mistakes too (at least i did) and if we had a do-over, would do some things differently. But we did try.

However, when we are talking about the phenomenon, it is dangerous to hide behind genetics, because that does give us a 'get out of the jail free'-card when it comes to how we need help the kids (our own or in society) that may have disadvantageous genes or early environmental factors. My posts are in no way meant to blame anyone for what has happened with their kids, but when talking about generalities, hiding behind the illusion that some people are just destined to have it bad because of their genetics is a dangerous notion in many ways.

 

[Nancy]

SuZir I hope I am not too blunt here but I do not want this conversation turned into an attack on anyone. With all due respect your difficult child is not adopted and there are issues we deal with that you really could not be expected to understand. Stressed is giving her experiences with her difficult child and those are valid, not generalizations. However I will tell you that I am in contact with many adoptive families and if I make generalizations it is based on my experience with them and my readings and studying of the matter. Some of your comments come off as being offensive or judgemental. We use to have an adoption forum on this board because we realized this phenomenon as you call it is not understood well by others and we needed a safe place to express our feelings, which is what I want this forum to remain.

Let's try to respect each of our experiences here.

 

[Stress Bunny]

However, when we are talking about the phenomenon, it is dangerous to hide behind genetics, because that does give us a 'get out of the jail free'-card when it comes to how we need help the kids (our own or in society) that may have disadvantageous genes or early environmental factors. My posts are in no way meant to blame anyone for what has happened with their kids, but when talking about generalities, hiding behind the illusion that some people are just destined to have it bad because of their genetics is a dangerous notion in many ways.

I respectfully disagree if you are stating that genetics cannot cause significant disadvantages in the mental health department for affected people. And, it is okay to disagree. I am not hiding behind any illusions, and I do not believe I or most adoptive parents are exercising a genetic "get-out-of-jail-free card" to avoid helping our children who are struggling with mental health/substance abuse issues.

 

[SuZir]

I respectfully disagree if you are stating that genetics cannot cause significant disadvantages in the mental health department for affected people. And, it is okay to disagree. I am not hiding behind any illusions, and I do not believe I or most adoptive parents are exercising a genetic "get-out-of-jail-free card" to avoid helping their children who are struggling with mental health/substance abuse issues.

I'm not worried it would be adoptive parents, who would be using that card. In my experience, when one adopts a child, they are usually willing to go all lengths to help that child any way possible. I was more referring to society as whole. The importance (and because of hat funding) we give to programs and resources to help children in less advantageous position and so on. Most often adopted kids, even with maybe disadvantaged genes and even early and prenatal environment, have advantage of resourceful parents who are committed to help their kids. Though they too can lack outside resources to do so efficiently. But children, who get the double or triple whammy of disadvantageous genetics, early and prenatal environment and later environment are what I'm really concerned about.

And with adopted child one has to remember the hopeful part. At least half is environment, so while that adopted child may have bad genes, it is not yet a lost case.

And Nancy: I find a bit of an attack and offensive to tell, that adult children turn to be problematic individuals, because they turn to be just like their birth mothers and that is just how it goes. Or that people who give birth to difficult children simply shouldn't have kids. I'm not that problematic individual even though my son is.

 

[SuZir]

Let's add one more thing. I come from the lineage of all kinds of difficult children. There is addiction, mental illness, all kinds of behavioural issues going on few hundred years in my background. All very well documented. And that is just in my mother's side, who was mostly harmless pothead herself. My dad was more difficult with severe alcoholism, personality disorder, couple psychosis and being quite an a**. His family background is rather horrible. Let's just say he is about the most sane and at least has not killed anyone. I even have couple great(great)aunts/uncle, who were sterilised in the name of eugenics.

Still I'm rather happy I'm alive. I'm also very happy to have my sons. I do take offence, when someone tells that people like me or my sons shouldn't be born.

 

[BusynMember]

People, please remember that ignore is your friend.

Also, it is old fashion thinking that how you are raised is why you are the way you are. Genetics is trumping that in every area. It reminds me of the days when autism was caused by (cough, cough) refrigerator moms.

When I gave birth to 36, I had a nervous breakdown during my pregnancy, which may have contributed to his problems, but I don't think so. There are just too many in my family when the mother didn't have any problems during birth. In fact 36 is mild beside many of them.

When I was pregnant, I prayed for a healthy baby and, at the same time, swore I'd never have another one because my own depression reminded me that this could all be passed along. This was in the 1970's and I never believed that nurture had a thing to do with my own problems or any 36 may have. I just hoped he'd get lucky. He didn't. It is uncanny how much like many of my DNA collection he is like, although they had little to nothing to do with us. By the Grace of the Higher Power I Embrace, my grandson is as resilient as an ox with no behavior problems at all, but my ex has a very stable, normal family. Bless them.

After I gave birth and it was clear early on that 36 had inherited many things, I decided to adopt. I don't think it is bad if others did not make that decision, but for me it was the best one. I knew that adopted kids could have massive problems too, but at least I was no longer passing along my own DNA, and I would not feel guilty if they had problems in the personality or mental health department.

Although I do think that things like being raped, being abducted, living in poverty, having parents who do horrible things to you or around you affect you a lot, I also think they do those things in a big way because THEY have many of the problems we inherit from them and we are part of who they are. In my case, this makes me shudder.

My adopted kids actually are doing better than 36. But none of them are like each other.

There were studies on identical kids who were separated through adoption at birth and when they finally met, they were eerily alike. Wish I still had those articles, but it's easy enough to look that up.

At any rate, any adoptive parent knows that your child will not take on your behavior. They will be more like their bio. family. And that's ok. I love my diverse and very different kids and I love HOW they are different.