toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I think we can all agree that both environmental and genetic factors make up who we are.
I do think our mental health and substance abuse systems need a lot of work and I would not want society to throw up their hands and say there is no point, it is just genetics. I dont think that is what is happening, in fact I sometimes think that issues that are seen as genetic get more support and funding than other issues but that is a side issue.
However I think traditionally society has been on the side of environment and good parenting is what matters and so parents of difficult children of all types are often seen as the cause of the problem. At one time they thought schizophrenia was all due to bad mothering! And I think many of us went into parenting thinking that if we were good parents we would have good kids.... and many many people still believe that. I might have believed that if both my kids had been easy and well behaved... if my daughter had been my only child I might have been one of those smug parents.
So it came as a bit of a surprise and revelation to me when my son was so difficult and had behavioral issues... and darn it could not follow the rules from an early age. I did everything I could and tried everything to raise him into a healthy productive adult and yet in spite of my best efforts he is still a mess. And yes I made mistakes and I would love to have a do over and try again with what i know now (I might move into the wilderness with no outside influences on him though!).
However I am not convinced that a do over would help all that much in reality. I do believe he is the way he is a lot because of his wiring.... I think he is very impulsive, I do not think he is resiliant emotionally, he struggles with depression, he does not think before he acts, and I am convinced he has that genetic predisposition towards addiction. I think all of those factors make up who he is.... and it may be that his upbringing (which was a loving two parent home who was financially stable) helped him get along as well as he did. It is hard to know what he would have been like in a different environment.
I think SuZir why there is reactions to your posts is it sounds like you are making the argument we have all heard so much which is the environment is what matters... and if our kids are screwed up it must be because of their environment. I dont think that is what you actually mean but it sounds like what you are saying.
And it is very interesting to me that in many treatment environments and in my parents alanon group a larger percentage of kids are adopted, way more than the percentage of kids adopted overall. I think there is pretty clear evidence that kids who are adopted are more likely to have certain kinds of issues, including substance abuse. I think there are probably several reasons for this....and I think it is something those of us on this board who are adoptive parents are very aware of.
TL
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
I do think our mental health and substance abuse systems need a lot of work and I would not want society to throw up their hands and say there is no point, it is just genetics. I dont think that is what is happening, in fact I sometimes think that issues that are seen as genetic get more support and funding than other issues but that is a side issue.
However I think traditionally society has been on the side of environment and good parenting is what matters and so parents of difficult children of all types are often seen as the cause of the problem. At one time they thought schizophrenia was all due to bad mothering! And I think many of us went into parenting thinking that if we were good parents we would have good kids.... and many many people still believe that. I might have believed that if both my kids had been easy and well behaved... if my daughter had been my only child I might have been one of those smug parents.
So it came as a bit of a surprise and revelation to me when my son was so difficult and had behavioral issues... and darn it could not follow the rules from an early age. I did everything I could and tried everything to raise him into a healthy productive adult and yet in spite of my best efforts he is still a mess. And yes I made mistakes and I would love to have a do over and try again with what i know now (I might move into the wilderness with no outside influences on him though!).
However I am not convinced that a do over would help all that much in reality. I do believe he is the way he is a lot because of his wiring.... I think he is very impulsive, I do not think he is resiliant emotionally, he struggles with depression, he does not think before he acts, and I am convinced he has that genetic predisposition towards addiction. I think all of those factors make up who he is.... and it may be that his upbringing (which was a loving two parent home who was financially stable) helped him get along as well as he did. It is hard to know what he would have been like in a different environment.
I think SuZir why there is reactions to your posts is it sounds like you are making the argument we have all heard so much which is the environment is what matters... and if our kids are screwed up it must be because of their environment. I dont think that is what you actually mean but it sounds like what you are saying.
And it is very interesting to me that in many treatment environments and in my parents alanon group a larger percentage of kids are adopted, way more than the percentage of kids adopted overall. I think there is pretty clear evidence that kids who are adopted are more likely to have certain kinds of issues, including substance abuse. I think there are probably several reasons for this....and I think it is something those of us on this board who are adoptive parents are very aware of.
TL
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app