difficult child stabbed yesterday, he's okay, in hospital

[Childofmine]

Thanks again for all of your wonderful thoughts and prayers. It helps so much to know that there are other people who understand and get it and care.

Yesterday was a blur of many phone calls and texts from him from many different phones. He is incensed that we don't believe him and feels we are being mean in view of his injury. I didn't respond. Then the discharge nurse called me and said she had a free place for him to get his RX filled, and I texted him that information. Then he called and texted that he was at different drugstores and would I pay for his RX. I didn't respond.

Late in the afternoon the social worker from the day shelter called and said she and her supervisor are working with him intensively to help him find a place to live right now. She asked if he could come here to stay for one night. I said no, but I will pay for a hotel room. I did that, and I later talked to him by phone. It was not a good call. I told him to stop talking and listen to me and not interrupt and I told him exactly how I feel about all of the recent and past behaviors of his. I told him I am tired to the core of my being of all of this.

I said I don't care who stabbed you. The fact that you are stabbed tells the whole story.

He continues to only want to focus on who stabbed him and that it was him accidentally and not her. That is a microscopic episode in the long story of difficult child.

I can get so confused so quickly. I finally cried and cried last night. I feel like I am in a daze. This is PTSD.

Anyway, I am going to do my best to take a break from him. I can obsess---and did so in the middle of the night again---about whether he is telling the truth and that I don't believe him when he needs someone to believe him and is any of this ever going to change and how awful and sad it all is.

But the fact remains: He is an untreated drug addict. All of this drama and stuff is never-ending. I have to get off the merry go round.

I am going to yoga, then to Al-Anon, then to get my oil changed, then a nap and then out with friends tonight. I am going to work hard to get back to level ground over the holiday weekend.

I hate this disease.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Why, oh why, don't our difficult child's want to change their lifestyles so this kind of thing would not be so apt to happen?

SS

That's the core of the issue, isn't it.

That's the question that keeps us hooked.


Cedar

 

[hopeandjoy66]

Hugs to you COM. Try to enjoy your weekend. Make it about you.

 

[Albatross]

But the fact remains: He is an untreated drug addict. All of this drama and stuff is never-ending. I have to get off the merry go round.

That's it, right there.

Have a lovely night out with friends, COM, and a lovely weekend. I'm glad you let us know how you are doing.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I thought about you all day today COM............each time I said a little prayer for you and for your son............I am thinking about you..........sending you lots of love and good wishes...........I hope the yoga, Al Anon and your friends got you back to your balance point. You excel at moving through each incident quickly and with enormous grace and courage..........you're a helluva trooper COM...........just wanted you to know that............sweet dreams.........

 

[Childofmine]

Thanks to all, again. This is really turning out to be a rough period. His arm is pretty severely damaged. The doctors said if the wound becomes infected, he can lose the arm. The drama is at an all time high with him insisting this girl did not do this, and in fact, he accidentally did it to himself. He is going around trying to get $630 to bail her out. Asking everyone, all of his homeless friends. Insisting she is unjustly jailed. He is taking Lortab, which I guess he needs, but anyway. You get the picture. The tornado that is difficult child is whirling at an extreme rate.

Ex and I talked yesterday after finding out what the doctors said. We decided we had to help him temporarily, at least. I spent about four hours yesterday working with him and the social worker. The bottom line is we put him up in a hotel for two nights and today are moving him to another cheaper hotel for 7 more nights. I have given him cash for food. He is going to work today. I am picking him up and taking him and picking him back up. He can't ride his bike. The day shelter is closed for the holiday weekend and there is no bus service here on Sat. and Sun. He is not supposed to get overheated and of course it's in the 90s.

He tried to get me to let him come here, and I just could not agree to it. My serenity is in tremendous jeopardy right now. I feel like I have been beat up and bloodied. My head is fuzzy and I can't think straight and I am crying a lot.

This girlfriend is a real train wreck. Has been an alcoholic since age 14 and is now 19. She has been with many of the men at the day shelter. She also is bipolar according to difficult child. She is also very pretty.

He "loves" her. He is completely obsessed with getting her out because it's all due to him that she is in there unjustly, he says. She already is on probation for public intoxication and underage drinking---two offenses---misdemeanors. This of course is a felony---aggravated assault.

The social worker has talked herself blue in the face to difficult child, trying to reason through the issues. He is rounding up money from others and will take his first paycheck and maybe even sell his car for salvage to get the money.

Instead of moving forward and getting himself a place to live, he is going to spend his first money on getting her out of jail. The social worker said because he is working they can help him get a place to live, but not if he is obviously going to have her living there too. That isn't allowed.

Ex and I decided to pay for somewhere to stay for the next week. Then, we are also willing to pay a first month's rent somewhere that he can then afford on his own. We are not cosigning anything or finding the place. He will have to find it. We suggest renting a room. I have no idea if we will actually do that or not. I can't police what he does, I don't have the stomach or energy for it. We are working to have no expectations at all around all of this, just to do the humane thing for someone who is seriously injured and has nowhere to go.

Of course, he doesn't want to be anywhere that she can't be there too. He has written her more than 10 postcards in jail and has asked me to bring stamps to mail them.

The situation is very sick and I see nothing good coming from it all. His thinking is very mixed up and he is not making good decisions at all. This girl is very troubled and has little to no family support and hasn't for years. There is no help from her mother, financially, although the girl has been living there off and on. The social worker told me that the girlfriend is "known" to the two detectives who investigated the stabbing.

Who knows where the truth lies? I told difficult child it doesn't matter to me anymore who stabbed him. I don't want to hear or talk about that anymore. What does matter to me is your health, and that should be your first priority too. It isn't though.

So I am dreading today, picking him up and taking him to work, and then getting him to the new motel after work. I feel like a prisoner and at the same time, I also feel guilt that I will not allow him to come here. He is my son, and I am not allowing him to come here at his greatest time of need. I can't allow him in my sanctuary. I have to have somewhere to be that is not filled with chaos and sick thinking. Just being with him for a short period of time is jarring to me. I feel completely helpless and filled with despair to listen to him go on and on about this.

Right now, I feel like I am in an impossible situation. I think the only thing I can do is what I am doing. But I am planning to get him some bus passes next week. I am not going to do all of the running back and forth once the buses are back in schedule and the day shelter is open. I have to work, and I have to take care of myself so I can work and function in my own life.

I am in the FOG, RE. I am just barely getting by. I am not sleeping well and my mind is running and running.

I never got to AlAnon yesterday. I did get to yoga and I left there relaxed and peaceful. Then I dropped of difficult child's clean clothes at the shelter, and the drama began about 10:30 a.m. I got back home about 3. The day was gone and I was exhausted. We did go out with friends last night and ended up at an outdoor place on the lake with a band for about 1.5 hours. Just sitting and singing and being there was good.

I am working to take better care of myself---I know that is what I have to do first. I am going to get difficult child to work and then go to the noon alanon meeting. I am stepping up my meetings again to every day or every other day. I know that will lead directly to more peace.

It's going to be like this for at least a week. Thanks for your thoughts, ideas and especially for your warm care and support.

 

[in a daze]

Reading along and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, COM.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I read your post too, COM.

There is nothing I can say to comfort you right now, except that, tough as this time is, you are handling it well.

Sometimes COM, that is the thing we cannot see.

We cannot see ourselves standing up, behaving ethically, balancing between the cloud and its unseen lining.

You are fine.

You are on course.

You are walking that fine line between crazy and rage and betrayal and nothing anyone can say will change what this time is. But I can tell you it won't always feel like this.

We are all right here, COM.

Your imagery of that place of balance between the cloud and its lining gave me a way to stay present through so many confusing times.

Let go, COM. This isn't about the girl. If it weren't her, it would be someone else. Remember difficult child daughter, going from one abusive male to the next?

And oh, how I hated them, how I believed that they were victimizing difficult child.

Remember when difficult child daughter would not come in off the streets because we would not take in the abusive male, too?

Your son is, at last, showing an interest in someone else's well being. He is trying to do the right thing.

Help him as you are able. Recovering told me once that if we resent the help we are giving, that is how we know we are enabling. Once we know the feeling of that place, then we know where to
begin working on ourselves.

That is where the unanswerable questions will be.

I don't know why these things are happening to all of us. But I think I do know that every one we meet is carrying as much as they can bear, too.

That includes your son.

It helped me to believe there was some purpose at work I could not see.

I found a place to balance in that imagery of the cloud and its unseen lining.

Believing in the lining is an act of faith.

Cedar

 

[susiestar]

I am truly sorry that you have had to experience this. I am so very sorry that your son is so clearly ill and unwilling to get help.

 

[Echolette]

But I can tell you it won't always feel like this.

But I think I do know that every one we meet is carrying as much as they can bear, too.

Not so good at the mobile app, i hope i copied Cedar's post right.

Child, you won't always feel
This way. These emotions, this storm, they are like theof a movie projected on a screen. As vivid and real as they seem, you can walk right up to the screen and touch it..and the images will just dance on your arm. They aren't reality, waves of anxiety and grief and anger and fear that are gripping you now.

And..it is good to be reminded that our difficult children also much as thy can..we all do. Thank you, Cedar, for that.

Echo

 

[Calamity Jane]

Since the stabbing was out on the street, is there any way to find out if it was caught on surveillance tape? If it was, and it shows girlfriend did it, I don't think it will matter that your son insists it's self-inflicted. The girlfriend will be locked up and out of the picture, and perhaps your son will have some semblance of a chance to get help.
I hope you know we're all here for you. Take care.

 

[DammitJanet]

So sorry to read this update. It never does end does it. I can understand exactly where you are at.

A couple of things have jumped out at me while reading this. One is the thing about the stabbing possibly being caught on video. Another is that if both the girlfriend and your son are on probation I dont think they are supposed to be around each other. I know it is standard language in release papers to say something like the person on probation will not associate with others on parole or probation or be around other people involved in criminal behaviors. If either your son or his girlfriend has that language in their probation paperwork, well they can hold her and put her back in jail even if your son wants to bail her out. I have also heard that they dont like to allow victims to be the ones to cosign for bail. I also have to wonder if he is correct in the amount of money it will take to bail her out. That 650 sounds like 5% which is really low. Here it is 10 to 15% and you have to have a stable cosigner. Your son isnt stable. A bail bondsman probably isnt going to take a chance on him to be honest. Really, its not a good risk. Neither of them have anything to take if the girl doesnt show up to court.

Another thing that just astounds me. I am 52 years old and I have gone my whole life never being stabbed, never stabbing anyone, never personally knowing people who die from drug deals and all that jazz. My son and his girlfriend know dozens! It boggles my mind.

 

[Albatross]

COM, I think you are doing the compassionate thing, for your son who needs it and for yourself. In the midst of an impossible situation, it sounds like you have found a razor-thin tightwire to walk along that stands a chance of meeting both your needs.

I do understand that feeling, of not being able to shut it off, of having my brain whirl and whirl until my stomach joins in and my heart starts racing. Somehow I have to find a way to give it over to my higher power and find a way to parse out the "acceptance" things from the "courage" things.

He's in the abyss, COM. He's addicted, he's obsessed, he's physically wounded. You can't control those things. You CAN give him a safe haven until the dust clears and some of the threats abate. You CAN help him keep a foundation of some stability and hope, things that he gets through going to work every day. And you've DONE those things, in a creative way that allows you to keep some semblance of your own sanity.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I think it's critical for us to remember everything we do for our difficult children in crisis.

As Albatross has suggested COM, get very clear with yourself about what you are doing and why, and just as clear with yourself about those things you are choosing not to do - and why.

Journal through it.

It limits self condemnation when we do this.

You must make a decision to survive it, COM.

I had to be very cold and clear eyed with myself during the worst times.

It is what it is.

No one knows the end of this story.

The only thing that has changed is that your son needs to take responsibility for following through on wound care and probably, physical therapy.

He is fortunate in having access to excellent medical care.

Remember Recovering's advice on how to know whether we are enabling.

Annie Lamont writes that there are really only three prayers.

HELP

THANKS

WOW

She has a book out with that title.

Works for me.

:0)


Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Hi, Echo

Nice to have you back.

:0)

 

[Childofmine]

Thanks for your great thoughts today. I will read them over and over again.

I want to post this because I hope it will help someone else.

I woke up crying this morning. My thoughts were all negative. I felt helpless and hopeless and more than anything in the world, I didn't want to go and get difficult child and drive him to work. I wanted to get in the car and drive away as far and as fast as I could.

I did go and get him and drive him. My one thought was to keep my mouth shut and I was able to do that, mostly. When I got there, he was ready to go, showered, shaved, packed and waiting, on time. It was much better than I had imagined. We loaded the car, I turned the radio on, and we had a few words, nicely, back and forth. It was really okay. It was not the completely terrible and awful experience I had imagined all morning.

Then I went to Al-Anon at noon. The subject was our own attitudes, thoughts and perceptions. The leader talked about the fact that her daughter (easy child) had just deployed yesterday to Kuwait. She was so sad and was already missing her. She started crying and said she is very emotional today. Then she talked about how excited her daughter is to be serving her country in this way.

She said she realizes this is what her daughter wants to do, and she is going to have to change her own attitude and perceptions about this situation. Her daughter is 23, a grown woman.

Then others talked about how their own attitudes and thoughts sabotage them. They gave examples of things they are dealing with right now that are worse because of how they, themselves, approach and think about the situation.

That hit right home for me. In time, I shared the recent situation with difficult child. I cried and cried. The group lovingly and silently sat and listened to me until I was through talking. They were patient. I tried to frame the situation, not in the awfulness of it all, but in how I am trying to deal with it, how upset I am, how I trying to just get through it one day at a time, but I am failing a lot at that. How I hate this disease and all it does to all of us.

After the meeting, several came to me and warmly hugged me. I left there and I felt better. A lot better. I was able to stop for a while, my obsessive thinking about difficult child, and start taking responsibility for my own thoughts, attitudes and perceptions. I can't know what is going to happen next. Maybe something good will happen. That likelihood is there as well as the alternative.

I took a nap (another miracle helping tool for me) and then I went back and picked difficult child up at work, took him to the new motel and helped him get his room set up. Ex has paid for nine more nights there. I had gotten difficult child some food, and made him two turkey sandwiches, and some bottled water, and an ice pack and some Advil. I hugged him, said I love you, and now am back at home with SO.

I am going back to Al-Anon in the morning at 9.

I am seeing, even in the FOG, that using my tools is going to immediately give me relief. I use them, they work. I hope this encourages someone here on this board right now. Use the tools. Whatever your tools are, reading books, writing in a journal, going to 12-step meetings, therapy, etc. etc. Assemble your toolbox and keep on using your tools every day. In a crisis, make time to use them even more.

None of us wants to feel hopeless and helpless and full of despair. Sometimes we get in that state, and it feels so bad that we have no idea what to do next.

Use the toolbox. That is the answer.

Warm hugs and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you are saying to me. Every single post helps me.

 

[BusynMember]

COM, you are amazing in your resolve and strength. You are an inspiration.

I hope you have a peaceful rest of your week now and take good care of yourself.

 

[1905]

I agree with MWM, have a manicure and pedicure, go for a bike ride (the wind in your face will make you laugh), go to a movie, call an old friend, have a glass of wine, rent a movie, ,read a good book, cook a favorite thing... do whatever you can to take your mind off this. I know this is so rough and out of your control. I'm sorry and wish you peace. That difficult child 19 year old kid will be sick of your son soon. He can get his life back on track, all is not lost. I know what I'm saying. Hang on, you know, this isn't the end. A new beginning is around the corner I will speak from experience here. Hugs.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

COM, there was a time when we believed we were imminently losing our daughter's life.

And I got it COM that the only thing that mattered was that I had another chance to let the bulls*** go and laugh, person to person, with my daughter.

Whatever is coming COM, open a space to recognize that thing I am trying to explain when those instants happen with your child.

It boils down to...I don't know how to describe it. It has to do with letting anger and guilt and shame take a back seat.

And all that matters then, all you feel is that feeling of wanting to put your face right up next to that other person's face and enjoy just that moment.

Like no one else even exists.

And then you both take up the burden of your identities, again.

But that moment that you had, that priceless thing that was always right there...that can never be changed or taken away.

Knowing that, knowing that is how I really feel, changed everything for me.

Cedar

 

[nlj]

Oh COM.

Just back from two weeks away and just catching up with things. My friend's husband died while we were away and another friend's husband lost his job. Now I'm reading this sad thread about another friend.

The main thing is that your son is OK. It's not life-threatening and they let him out of hospital the same day as the op and he is going back to work. Hold on to that.

The girlfriend thing is a nightmare and I feel your helplessness at not being able to get him to 'see' this. Is he focussing on her and her problems to try and deflect attention away from his own dysfunctional state? Both for himself and for everyone else?

Your actions to provide financial support during this time of crisis are what any loving mother would do. I've done it myself. I'm glad that your ex is there to share this burden with you. I've no idea where my ex is (thank goodness). I'm glad yours is there for your son though. A problem shared is a problem halved so they say.

You've been so strong to not let him into your house, even though probably every mothering instinct was screaming at you to open the door, your core strength at remaining detached and not being sucked into this drama and crisis has survived a great test and your beacon of light is still shining. You will look back and know that you survived this intact.

What happens now? What happens with your son is up to him, you have no control over that. What happens with the girlfriend is up to them, you have no control over that. What happens with you? You have to seek support and look after yourself and do all those things that you know will help you over this latest crisis. I know you will be ok. You have your toolbox, the one that you shared with me, there is everything in there that you need. In time this will all be just another wave of madness that's washed over your son's life and he will have moved on to the next episode. That's what happens. WIth all our children. We just have to try and swim to the shore and build up our strength to survive the next wave. It's exhausting.

I'll be thinking of you, and my other friends and their troubles, while I sort through these mountains of suitcases full of washing and ironing. I might cry.

Hugs x