difficult child stabbed yesterday, he's okay, in hospital
- Thread starter Childofmine
- Start date
I've been reading along with this post and replies with absolutely no idea of what to say! I agree with the others that your strength in facing these trials have been nothing short of amazing. I am praying for you and difficult child and sending hugs. It sounds as if you and your SO and EX have come together to support difficult child in his time of need. Will this change the course of his life? Maybe or maybe not, though it is incomprehensible to us, his path belongs to him. He has a large support system in place and it sounds like the social worker at the shelter is working hard on his behalf. What he chooses to do now, like at any other time is in his hands. I admire your resolve to continue your path without being overwhelmed and drowned in the tide of chaos and drama that difficult child is swimming in at the moment. my thoughts and prayers are with you both!
Sent using ConductDisorders
Sent using ConductDisorders
I feel for you, and wish to remind you to try to enjoy the now. Your son is safe right now, he has food, everything he needs. Try not to think of the past, or the future, try to be at peace with what is happening to you right now. Now you can do something peaceful for your soul. Embrace the people in your life that let you breathe, right now. These kinds of. thoughts give me a bit of peace in chaotic times. Take care.
tishthedish
Well-Known Member
Thinking of you COM, sending you warm wishes and a gentle hug.........
tishthedish
Well-Known Member
COM, I just wrote a long message and for some reason it didn't work. So I'll make it short and sweet. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay strong and treat yourself well. Sometimes just doing what our hearts are telling us to do without question or analysis is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves. See the quote from Cedar above...I wholeheartedly agree. We are with you in spirit, friendship and unity.
Childofmine
one day at a time
Well, I AM resenting some of the things I am doing. His needs are endless, and he calls four or five times a day with the most basic of questions. He is like a newborn baby, all need, all consuming.
SO and I talked again last night (so sick of this being such a big topic all the time). He said two things that broke through the FOG:
***You need to keep this very simple right now.
***difficult child is exhausting every scenario he encounters, even being homeless.
I am going to keep on helping him right now on a one day at a time basis because of his arm. I told him that this---all of this---is very temporary. And he can either use the help we are giving him right now as a bridge to something better for himself or he can go back to the street.
His response: Well I have to bail her out Sunday. She can't stay in jail for something she didn't do.
My response to that: Complete silence.
It is what it is. I am doing "this" because of his hurt arm. That is very simple. This is going to end.
I am hunkered down right now, against the harsh wind that is difficult child.
He is 'stressed' he says. His arm really hurts. He woke up and wanted to take his bandage off. He is anxious. He needs to wash clothes. What about the weekly rate? What about this? What about that?
I said, I can't solve all of your problems for you, difficult child.
This completely surreal and unreal. I am keeping myself at a distance and I am moving forward here. Wow, when you think about difficult children, you think, nothing can be worse than it is right now.
Well, it can. And I am sure it can be even worse than this. And it never ends.
One day at a time. Live and let live. No is a complete sentence. This too shall pass. Let go and Let God.
These slogans from Al-Anon---I used to scoff at these slogans, saying they were too simplistic and remedial---these slogans cut through the FOG. They help me keep it simple.
SO and I talked again last night (so sick of this being such a big topic all the time). He said two things that broke through the FOG:
***You need to keep this very simple right now.
***difficult child is exhausting every scenario he encounters, even being homeless.
I am going to keep on helping him right now on a one day at a time basis because of his arm. I told him that this---all of this---is very temporary. And he can either use the help we are giving him right now as a bridge to something better for himself or he can go back to the street.
His response: Well I have to bail her out Sunday. She can't stay in jail for something she didn't do.
My response to that: Complete silence.
It is what it is. I am doing "this" because of his hurt arm. That is very simple. This is going to end.
I am hunkered down right now, against the harsh wind that is difficult child.
He is 'stressed' he says. His arm really hurts. He woke up and wanted to take his bandage off. He is anxious. He needs to wash clothes. What about the weekly rate? What about this? What about that?
I said, I can't solve all of your problems for you, difficult child.
This completely surreal and unreal. I am keeping myself at a distance and I am moving forward here. Wow, when you think about difficult children, you think, nothing can be worse than it is right now.
Well, it can. And I am sure it can be even worse than this. And it never ends.
One day at a time. Live and let live. No is a complete sentence. This too shall pass. Let go and Let God.
These slogans from Al-Anon---I used to scoff at these slogans, saying they were too simplistic and remedial---these slogans cut through the FOG. They help me keep it simple.
Echolette
Well-Known Member
I wish there were a click button for "I am here, I am listening."
Wow you are going through a maelstrom right now. Sometimes the maelstrom comes from within and sometimes from the circumstances difficult children deliver to us, but you have both going on right now.
I am so glad you have him. He sounds wise. My SO, too, is wise and kind counsel. Lets pause and really feel the gratitude of that.
It is so! They do that! It is ASTOUNDING. I can't believe the situations that difficult child has failed to manage. He got thrown out of LIVING UNDER THE BRIDGE. You can't make this stuff up. How can you exhaust being homeless? And yet they will do so. It is good to see it, to name it.
Child, I know you know this, but listen to me now...there is nothing you can do about this. Absolutely nothing. You cannot impact his choices. Your choice of silence when he brought it up was perfect. Good for you for not engaging. You won't be able to talk him out of anything...this is his cause celebre, and also the only thing he THINKS he can control right now (he can't, of course, and he'll figure that out soon enough).
Write that one in your book of responses. Put it by your phone. You cannot. He can, though. He can solve all of his problems, one baby step at a time. Granted he is making it harder and harder for himself, cause he won't put the darn shovel down and stop digging, but he can, actually, solve his problems himself.
Isn't it, though? I mean, how did we get here? Who is this completely unhinged irrational dependent disturbing thought disturbed dirty person who looks like my son? Its scary to look into those eyes, that mind, and realize that we know nothing about them, because their minds are, in fact, incomprehensible to us.
Sadly, my friend, I believe that this is so. One of the ways we make ourselves crazy is with the recurring idea that "they have finally hit rock bottom." Or that we have inured ourselves to their choices, their lives their behavior...We cannot. They have always managed to find a new low, lower than I ever imagined.
These are so, so, so good. These are so true. Thank you for writing them down. Repeat them to yourself. Simple things, like SO said. Simple relationship. Take care of yourself. The oxygen mask goes to you first, then to the people who love you and share their lives with you (SO, easy child, his fiancee, your colleagues, girlfriends, friends). This too shall past.
Tight hugs today,
Echo
Wow you are going through a maelstrom right now. Sometimes the maelstrom comes from within and sometimes from the circumstances difficult children deliver to us, but you have both going on right now.
I am so glad you have him. He sounds wise. My SO, too, is wise and kind counsel. Lets pause and really feel the gratitude of that.
It is so! They do that! It is ASTOUNDING. I can't believe the situations that difficult child has failed to manage. He got thrown out of LIVING UNDER THE BRIDGE. You can't make this stuff up. How can you exhaust being homeless? And yet they will do so. It is good to see it, to name it.
Child, I know you know this, but listen to me now...there is nothing you can do about this. Absolutely nothing. You cannot impact his choices. Your choice of silence when he brought it up was perfect. Good for you for not engaging. You won't be able to talk him out of anything...this is his cause celebre, and also the only thing he THINKS he can control right now (he can't, of course, and he'll figure that out soon enough).
Write that one in your book of responses. Put it by your phone. You cannot. He can, though. He can solve all of his problems, one baby step at a time. Granted he is making it harder and harder for himself, cause he won't put the darn shovel down and stop digging, but he can, actually, solve his problems himself.
Isn't it, though? I mean, how did we get here? Who is this completely unhinged irrational dependent disturbing thought disturbed dirty person who looks like my son? Its scary to look into those eyes, that mind, and realize that we know nothing about them, because their minds are, in fact, incomprehensible to us.
Sadly, my friend, I believe that this is so. One of the ways we make ourselves crazy is with the recurring idea that "they have finally hit rock bottom." Or that we have inured ourselves to their choices, their lives their behavior...We cannot. They have always managed to find a new low, lower than I ever imagined.
These are so, so, so good. These are so true. Thank you for writing them down. Repeat them to yourself. Simple things, like SO said. Simple relationship. Take care of yourself. The oxygen mask goes to you first, then to the people who love you and share their lives with you (SO, easy child, his fiancee, your colleagues, girlfriends, friends). This too shall past.
Tight hugs today,
Echo
TearyEyed
Member
COM,
I have felt this way so very often. Just wanted to know I am continuing to send prayers and hugs your way. You are very strong.
Hugs,
TE
Childofmine
one day at a time
I laughed out loud at this. Oh my gosh! What a crazy trip all of this is, Echo. Unfreakingbelievable.
I guess you can! I thought that was the absolute bottom. Not.
SO also said, jail obviously isn't a deterrent for him. He's been there 8 or 9 times. SO says in his opinion, he doesn't want him to go back to jail because it doesn't "work" for difficult child. It isn't a bottom.
For me, I like it when he's in jail. It's SO much better for me.
Anyway...the crazies continue. It is almost funny at this point. I mean, you know what I mean. I started laughing this morning.
difficult child called again (he's calling about every two hours) and left me a vm saying that he's checking out of the motel. He has to go to probation (probation is open until 6:30 p.m. but he had to check out at 10 a.m.).
What???
So now he is looking for another motel. Whatever.
When he called the next time, I just said, just let me know where to pick you up tomorrow morning at 5:20 a.m. to take you to work. I said nothing about him checking out.
I am getting to where I can say nothing. The whole thing is so insane---I mean lunacy here---that there is truly nothing to say.
Oh, and he called the doctor to make a follow up appointment (sept 11 at 3 p.m. ironic) and said: Oh Mom I gave them your phone number because I asked them for a refill on the Lortab. Really? If they give him any more Lortab, they need to be reported. No calls of course. So now he's calling me every two hours to see if they called. This---Oh, don't worry Mom I can't get addicted to those things again, they don't do anything for me anymore, just take the edge off this pain----is nuts.
I really started laughing out loud. By his crazier and crazier actions, he is helping me detach. And that is a GOOD THING.
I'll keep you posted. You truly cannot make this stuff up. I need to write a book.
nlj
Well-Known Member
TearyEyed
Member
Funny!
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I didnt know you could get kicked out of homelessness either...lol. What a concept! Does that mean someone gives you a McMansion? LOL
I do wanna say something about the pain pills. For him right now he probably does think he cant get addicted to them anymore because most likely he isnt getting high from them. When you take pain medications for their designated purpose such as pain from getting stabbed, the medication will work on the pain receptors to dull that pain. It doesnt make you high. Its when you take that very same pill when you have no pain issues that it becomes a problem. However with your son and the fact that he is an active addict, I dont believe he should be getting an opiate when not in a hospital setting. There are other pain medications that he can take. If you do get a call from that doctor, I would mention this and ask about maybe giving him ultram. It was made so that it could be given to people who need pain medications but not narcotics.
Not knowing where you live and what the bond people are like I cant advise you too much but I wouldnt be above calling a few of them and giving them a heads up saying they shouldnt write a bond with your son as the cosigner. I dont think they will anyway but you never know. Oh just thought of something....does your son have a current ID, stable income and stable living conditions? That is something they look for.
I do wanna say something about the pain pills. For him right now he probably does think he cant get addicted to them anymore because most likely he isnt getting high from them. When you take pain medications for their designated purpose such as pain from getting stabbed, the medication will work on the pain receptors to dull that pain. It doesnt make you high. Its when you take that very same pill when you have no pain issues that it becomes a problem. However with your son and the fact that he is an active addict, I dont believe he should be getting an opiate when not in a hospital setting. There are other pain medications that he can take. If you do get a call from that doctor, I would mention this and ask about maybe giving him ultram. It was made so that it could be given to people who need pain medications but not narcotics.
Not knowing where you live and what the bond people are like I cant advise you too much but I wouldnt be above calling a few of them and giving them a heads up saying they shouldnt write a bond with your son as the cosigner. I dont think they will anyway but you never know. Oh just thought of something....does your son have a current ID, stable income and stable living conditions? That is something they look for.
Childofmine
one day at a time
Thanks to all of you on this board. Brief update: He got his first paycheck yesterday and now he will have to decide what he will do with it. I am saying nothing. The motel will run out after Tuesday night. I have no idea if the day shelter will help him find a place to stay or not. It depends on what he does with his paycheck.
So there are lots of unknowns. I am going to just stay my course today, and have a good day. It's all up to him.
This makes perfect sense. Thankfully, the doctor never called. I did not think she would. He goes to the doctor for the first time for a followup Thursday. I am planning to take him. He has an ice pack and ibupropen. I guess he can buy things on the street if he chooses with the few dollars we have given him lately for food, or not.
I can't imagine any bail bondsman doing business with him, but there are many in this town, so who knows. He does not have a driver's license, but he does have a valid passport. He has been working at McDonald's for three weeks. He is living in a motel.
I would not think he would be a good risk, nor any of his friends. They are all homeless.
But never underestimate difficult child. He can make all kinds of things happen---when he wants to.
We'll see.
So there are lots of unknowns. I am going to just stay my course today, and have a good day. It's all up to him.
This makes perfect sense. Thankfully, the doctor never called. I did not think she would. He goes to the doctor for the first time for a followup Thursday. I am planning to take him. He has an ice pack and ibupropen. I guess he can buy things on the street if he chooses with the few dollars we have given him lately for food, or not.
I can't imagine any bail bondsman doing business with him, but there are many in this town, so who knows. He does not have a driver's license, but he does have a valid passport. He has been working at McDonald's for three weeks. He is living in a motel.
I would not think he would be a good risk, nor any of his friends. They are all homeless.
But never underestimate difficult child. He can make all kinds of things happen---when he wants to.
We'll see.
nlj
Well-Known Member
Great that he's working COM. I had a text from my son this morning to say he's helping with the harvest on a nearby farm, along with some of the other squatters, and he's being paid good money cash-in-hand. It's just so nice to have a bit of normality - like a job and wages - I sent a text back saying that sounded brilliant. He's picking apples for the annual cider-making. Sounds like hard physical work. It will do him good. Very short-term employment of course, but still positive.
I so want to keep thinking this of my son.
Winter's coming, I can feel the change in the weather here. One day at a time though. Let's see what else they manage to make happen.
That's such an optimistic statement, and it's true.
I so want to keep thinking this of my son.
Winter's coming, I can feel the change in the weather here. One day at a time though. Let's see what else they manage to make happen.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
I am picturing him getting that first paycheck and the pride in himself he must have felt. I so admire you, COM, for the way you can stay the course, have a good, day, let go and let him be him. I know just what you mean with how he can make things happen, when he wants to. Mine is the same way. Miraculous, really.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I was just thinking, a passport might be worse than a drivers license when you think about it...it means he could possibly leave the country! Really skip out on the bond...lol.
I have no idea how much you know about bail. Unfortunately I know a lot by now. My son has given me a wonderful education. Bail bondsman want that money down to make sure the client makes it to court. Both the person who is in jail and the person who is signing those papers is swearing that they will make sure the person goes to court. If that person doesnt go to court then they go after someone to pay the full amount of the bail (in this case I think its 15K right?). For that amount of money they want to know they can actually get that amount of money from someone. A couple of homeless people dont sound like a good risk. They have no collateral.
Now the girlfriend may spend enough time in jail that the judge will reduce her bond down to ROR and she gets out on her own. Depends on how crowded the jails are and how she acts in jail.
I have no idea how much you know about bail. Unfortunately I know a lot by now. My son has given me a wonderful education. Bail bondsman want that money down to make sure the client makes it to court. Both the person who is in jail and the person who is signing those papers is swearing that they will make sure the person goes to court. If that person doesnt go to court then they go after someone to pay the full amount of the bail (in this case I think its 15K right?). For that amount of money they want to know they can actually get that amount of money from someone. A couple of homeless people dont sound like a good risk. They have no collateral.
Now the girlfriend may spend enough time in jail that the judge will reduce her bond down to ROR and she gets out on her own. Depends on how crowded the jails are and how she acts in jail.
blackgnat
Active Member
COM what a horror story! The drama never ends, does it? And for you to have to endure MORE verbal slings and arrows when you are visiting is unconscionable.
I can't imagine the strength it took for you to stand your ground when he came to your house! You have a steel spine!
Don't you love how he is willing to go to extremes to defend the nutbar who was assaulting him, but wasn't willing to give an inch to you? When all you were trying to do was help him on his way to a positive direction in life? Ack!!!
Still, I hope he is okay and that you and the rest of your family get a chance to regroup and relax and remove yourselves from the chaos!
Hugs...
I can't imagine the strength it took for you to stand your ground when he came to your house! You have a steel spine!
Don't you love how he is willing to go to extremes to defend the nutbar who was assaulting him, but wasn't willing to give an inch to you? When all you were trying to do was help him on his way to a positive direction in life? Ack!!!
Still, I hope he is okay and that you and the rest of your family get a chance to regroup and relax and remove yourselves from the chaos!
Hugs...
Childofmine
one day at a time
Thanks Janet and BG---
I haven't heard much about getting girlfriend out of jail for the past few days. Today he wanted to come here and wash clothes. It seems the day shelter is closed because of some "disturbance" there last week---don't know what. Also, his vm said he "fell while riding his bike on his hurt arm."
I guess I'm just a big old meanie, but I said no. I told him after all this went down that he wasn't coming here anymore to wash clothes and take showers.
But here he is, asking again.
So I said: Sorry you will have to go to a laundromat.
Him: I can't and I can't carry all of my clothes.
Me: Sorry
Him: D____ WTF.
Me: I'll pick you up after work Thursday and take you to the doctor. Talk to you then.
Him: This is screwed up.
Me: Don't text things like that to me again.
Him: .... (always getting the last word in)
Here is the deal. It's a sad day when your homeless son can't come to your house to wash clothes. Yes, it's sad, but it is necessary. The door gets cracked open and then he pushes for more and more.
At the same time, he is able to keep on like he is, living like he is, because I'm doing for him things he needs to be doing for himself.
He has about $400 from his paycheck. No bail bondsman in his right mind is going to allow him to sign her bond. So difficult child can just make plans to get a place to live, somehow, some way. We told him we would even pay a first month's rent.
But he hasn't called to follow up on that. The motel's last paid-for night is tonight.
I have no idea what his plans are.
And you know, I don't want to know or need to know.
I am not even upset...much. I feel heavy today. Dragged down. But not weak about this. I don't have a steel spine, BG, I get weak and scared and confused a lot, but we have done a whole lot for him over these past two weeks, and it's time for him to use that help to take a next step forward himself. Or not.
Yes, I hope his arm is okay too. Of course, I don't want him to be hurt or have any permanent problems. I find it highly unlikely---but not impossible---that on the day he asks to wash clothes here he also just fell off his bike and right on his arm.
I didn't address that, but if your arm is damaged, go to the hospital.
I guess we just get to this point, don't we? It sounds cold and harsh, but you know, there IS a limit. And I'm at the limit right now.
I haven't heard much about getting girlfriend out of jail for the past few days. Today he wanted to come here and wash clothes. It seems the day shelter is closed because of some "disturbance" there last week---don't know what. Also, his vm said he "fell while riding his bike on his hurt arm."
I guess I'm just a big old meanie, but I said no. I told him after all this went down that he wasn't coming here anymore to wash clothes and take showers.
But here he is, asking again.
So I said: Sorry you will have to go to a laundromat.
Him: I can't and I can't carry all of my clothes.
Me: Sorry
Him: D____ WTF.
Me: I'll pick you up after work Thursday and take you to the doctor. Talk to you then.
Him: This is screwed up.
Me: Don't text things like that to me again.
Him: .... (always getting the last word in)
Here is the deal. It's a sad day when your homeless son can't come to your house to wash clothes. Yes, it's sad, but it is necessary. The door gets cracked open and then he pushes for more and more.
At the same time, he is able to keep on like he is, living like he is, because I'm doing for him things he needs to be doing for himself.
He has about $400 from his paycheck. No bail bondsman in his right mind is going to allow him to sign her bond. So difficult child can just make plans to get a place to live, somehow, some way. We told him we would even pay a first month's rent.
But he hasn't called to follow up on that. The motel's last paid-for night is tonight.
I have no idea what his plans are.
And you know, I don't want to know or need to know.
I am not even upset...much. I feel heavy today. Dragged down. But not weak about this. I don't have a steel spine, BG, I get weak and scared and confused a lot, but we have done a whole lot for him over these past two weeks, and it's time for him to use that help to take a next step forward himself. Or not.
Yes, I hope his arm is okay too. Of course, I don't want him to be hurt or have any permanent problems. I find it highly unlikely---but not impossible---that on the day he asks to wash clothes here he also just fell off his bike and right on his arm.
I didn't address that, but if your arm is damaged, go to the hospital.
I guess we just get to this point, don't we? It sounds cold and harsh, but you know, there IS a limit. And I'm at the limit right now.
Echolette
Well-Known Member
Hi Child,
I'm glad to get an update. I find a lot to agree with in your post, and I feel the heaviness of some of these..I won't even call them decisions...realizations? occurences? This place you are in.
Right? whoever thought we would live to see that day. There was at least a year when I thought that was a thing I would be OK with forever...I mean, of course I want him to have clean not smelly clothes, right? then it went from occasional..to regular, every Saturday (so then I had to stay home on Saturday mornings, and time my run or my trip to the farmer's market to get home on time to meet him) to he wanted to take a shower while waiting for laundry, to him helping himself to the refridgerator, falling asleep watching TV, spending 12 hours on Saturday at my house...so yes...you made the right call...see your comment below!
I think this is true and important. I had the same realization about a year ago (and of course have backslid many times since then..it is so hard to see it coming!) I facilitate his perpetuating his lousy choices. Even if he doesn't learn anythign from my refusals, I can't afford myself, mentally, emotionally, to facilitate his yucky life choices (yes ladies I am judging)
This is OK Child. It is OK that you feel this way today. Its OK to not want to know. Sometimes enough is enough. As you said to me once...there is such a thing as too much, wherever that line is. Sometimes it is a big drama event, and sometimes it is the slow leaching away of our energy.
I had the same thought. difficult child makes himself sort of pathetic sometimes in the hopes he'll help..I mean...when he fell off a bike when he was six I held him in my lap and kissed him, right? I find this angle to be ...yucky!!!! My favorite word lately!
Yup. Go to the hospital, young man. You have a serious injury and you should be taking care of it. If it isn't really hurt, then keep it to yourself. Don't try to pull at Mom's heartstrings for no reason.
There is such a thing as too much.
Child, it is OK to be where you are. You may or may not stay here forever. Today...it is fine.
Get the to your 12 step meeting. Hold SO's hand. Blessings on your today and all days.
Echo
I'm glad to get an update. I find a lot to agree with in your post, and I feel the heaviness of some of these..I won't even call them decisions...realizations? occurences? This place you are in.
Right? whoever thought we would live to see that day. There was at least a year when I thought that was a thing I would be OK with forever...I mean, of course I want him to have clean not smelly clothes, right? then it went from occasional..to regular, every Saturday (so then I had to stay home on Saturday mornings, and time my run or my trip to the farmer's market to get home on time to meet him) to he wanted to take a shower while waiting for laundry, to him helping himself to the refridgerator, falling asleep watching TV, spending 12 hours on Saturday at my house...so yes...you made the right call...see your comment below!
I think this is true and important. I had the same realization about a year ago (and of course have backslid many times since then..it is so hard to see it coming!) I facilitate his perpetuating his lousy choices. Even if he doesn't learn anythign from my refusals, I can't afford myself, mentally, emotionally, to facilitate his yucky life choices (yes ladies I am judging)
This is OK Child. It is OK that you feel this way today. Its OK to not want to know. Sometimes enough is enough. As you said to me once...there is such a thing as too much, wherever that line is. Sometimes it is a big drama event, and sometimes it is the slow leaching away of our energy.
I had the same thought. difficult child makes himself sort of pathetic sometimes in the hopes he'll help..I mean...when he fell off a bike when he was six I held him in my lap and kissed him, right? I find this angle to be ...yucky!!!! My favorite word lately!
Yup. Go to the hospital, young man. You have a serious injury and you should be taking care of it. If it isn't really hurt, then keep it to yourself. Don't try to pull at Mom's heartstrings for no reason.
There is such a thing as too much.
Child, it is OK to be where you are. You may or may not stay here forever. Today...it is fine.
Get the to your 12 step meeting. Hold SO's hand. Blessings on your today and all days.
Echo