difficult child willing to explore options

[DDD]

Has your husband looked into paternal rights? Don't want to add another burden to your worries but I have been quite shocked by some State laws regarding this issue. I hope your State isn't one that has laws allowing Dads to gain custody if the Mom gives them up. From extended family experience I know that California "claims" babies and prevents adoption procedures by one parent. DDD

 

[pepperidge]

Nancy,
You are being incredibly strong and wise. It sounds like things could be worse. One can only hope that she will have far more understanding of her birthmother's adoption decision after being pregnant.

I am glad you will be able to give some input to the adoption agency if it comes to that. As an adopted mom for whom two adoption agencies did not reveal the truth about birthmother's background it is good that you may be able to do so. Often the interest of the adoption agency is in finding a "good home" which they feel like full disclosure will make difficult. Fetal alcohol is much more sensitive in the first trimester.

I don't know what state you are in. There are states where it is legal for the adopting couple to pay birthmother's living expenses, which is a mixed bag. There are some adoption agencies that I think provide living quarters for women who have no other home. Perhaps she could explore if it comes to that places where she could get adoption support and also support for sobriety. That is, if course she comes to you for advice....

Hugs to you.

 

[Nancy]

Good question DDD, certainly wouldn't want him to do that. It's a concern for down the road which I'm sure husband could help her with.

Pepperridge one of the reasons we suggested to her last night to get in touch with her agency is because they can help with medical/living expenses. Ohio does allow that, but no other monetary compensation.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

My great neice got pregnant at sixteen after hooking up with a difficult child teen in Ca. Because her parents are in the military they moved mid pregnancy to Va. Neice is a very religious easy child and actually transferred into a new high school when she was five months pregnant. They explored adoption agencies and different types available. A month before the baby was born official papers from Ca. saying that she could not put her child up for adoption because the bio Dad did not agree with the choice. Bottom line of a long story the newborn was picked up by social services, flown to Ca. and has lived there for twelve years. No cards or gifts or letters are accepted from the maternal family. It has been a heartbreaker. State lawmakers there feel it is fair...and, of course, it saves money. Geez. DDD

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs))) Nancy

You know your difficult child better than anyone. And it sounds like you're handling it appropriately.

 

[Star*]

Adoption huh? Boy OH boy........whenever......she starts to talk to perspective Mothers about this baby she's going to hand over because of HER life and how that little life is going to affect THAT Mothers' life? This is going to smack her right in the "OMG what did I do to MY MOM" so hard.....she had better have AA friends, and by then I'm glad she will have at least 7-8 months of sobriety under her belt. This is all going to be what goes around - comes around for her in a very big way for that little girl. Sobering to say the least as to how she's treated HER Mother the last 18 years.....and how this baby and it's genetic makeup will treat it's perspective Mother and Father. Wonder if she thinks her child will behave any differently? Interesting. Not surprising - just interesting.

 

[dashcat]

Nancy,
Just logged on after a bit of an absence. Wow! I am thrilled that she is using her head right now. Huge.


As to the vitamins and all that... well, I am just old enough to remember my sisters just going ahead and having babies (big age difference .. my first niece was born when I was 4!). They ate what they wanted, didn't eat what they didn't want, pre-natal vitamins were unheard of ...and, between them, they nine healthy infants who turned into nine amazing adults.

Yes, it is ideal that she does whatever she needs to do for her baby..but her not drinking is way more important than vitamins at this stage. I hope she does this after she sees the doctor, but don't sweat it.

And, Star, seriously...we can't speculate about this. There is no "recipe" for a difficult child. Sometimes kids of difficult children break the cycle (read The Glass Castle by Jeannete Walls). It happens. It could happen here.
Dash

 

[rejectedmom]

Nancy, I understand how you feel about the heart ache that this child might cause for it's adopted family. I went through the same feelings when I though my difficult child had fathered a child. Our two difficult children are so much alike even though they are male and female. I hope and I pray that all the good genes the parents have get to express themselves in this child and that this baby has a good life. -RM

 

[bby31288]

I guess I am the only one who thinks it is ok for her to continue her "good life" with AA friends and doing young adult things while pregnant within reason. If she is planning on putting the baby up for adoption, this may be one way to help cope and detach from the baby. Sitting home for nine months in my opinion would be much harder to not become attached to this baby. I am sure giving up a baby is not an easy decision for anyone even a difficult child. She knows she isn't ready. I hope I am getting my point across. Going out with AA friends instead of sitting in her room rubbing her growing belly.....

Either way Nancy I am so proud of how you and your husband are holding up. You are handling it as great as you can. Keep supporting her as best as you can by listening and encouraging her to make good choices. I believe it will help in the end....

Beth

 

[Star*]

Nancy - I meant no disrespect if my words were taken harshly.

Dash - Not exactly what I meant, but if that's how they were interpreted okay then, you're correct, sometimes genetics skips a generation. My thoughts were more for difficult children thoughts on how she has treated Nancy over the years and her behaviors due to her possibly thinking her life would have been different had she stayed with her bioMom and not her true Mother. She (difficult child) seemed to make a big deal for a whlie over finding her BM which Nancy was very accomodating in her quest of seeking to find answers on geneology (ie: genetics) - why am I like this??? As if that would have made a difference in HER life. I was wondering if she had given thought to the baby's thoughts of how it would perceive it's life without a BM,and how it would treat his/her true Mother, as difficult child has treated Nancy. (sort of thinking hindsight and perhaps having some introspect)

 

[witzend]

Fingers crossed, Nancy.