Disappointed in some board members

[bran155]

Meowbunny, smart of you to bring this up. Maybe this thread will prevent something like this from happening in the future. I think when conversing on a computer you must be very careful of what you say because people cannot hear the tone of your voice or see the look on your face. There were plenty of times I typed something and then read it only to end up deleting it because in black and white it looked offensive, meanwhile that was not my intention. And then there are some people who are more sensative than others. I think Jennifer made a good point about weeding through the constructive criticism, not everyone can do that. Especailly through a computer screen. Sometimes it is hard to get a feel of where someone is coming from in their posts.

I do agree with you, no need to be intentionally mean. Is it at all possible that Eeky took some of the things that were pmed to her the wrong way?

 

[meowbunny]

Telling someone they shouldn't post because they're too young, not a parent, haven't been here long enough is not trying to save them embarassment -- it is bullying and cowardly. Sorry, in this instance it really does sound like a few were in fact "going after" Eeky.

Since I've pretty much "outed" Eeky's PM to me, I'm to copy exactly what she said to me when I asked her to not leave this Board because I thought she had much to contribute:

"It's the private hate mail I'm getting from the other girls on the board that's hurt the most. Y'know, the "you're only 27 and you're not even a real mom, when you get older and your viewpoint "matures", maybe then you'll understand how it works around here, you're too new here to "get us", etc"

I am absolutely breathless at the things other people are saying to me. "

The bold and italics are mine, not hers. If this doesn't sound like people didn't want her to post, you tell me what it is.

 

[Jena]

I think your point is well taken by all which is for us to always be accepting of new members, etc. and to also not "out" anyone at all.

Yet I'm sorry but maybe because I'm a mom of a messed up easy child and a difficult child I take anything anyone says to me with a grain of salt to an extent. So, unless I saw those pm's myself hmmm.. yet i'm not looking to debate any of it.

Yet listen at the end of the day you brought up a good point and I think we all hear you and share your overall thoughts on this.

Thank you for taking the time to post it. Shows how much you care about this place.

(((hugs)))

 

[Fran]

Sounds like the thread is not the problem. I, unfortunately don't know which one it is. It helps to have the url of the thread.

It is not unusual for a non parent to be pretty judgemental of some of our parenting choices. At least that is how it appears to me. Fortunately, the majority of the parents here are pretty good at being assertive.

It is unfortunate that eeky received PM's that were hurtful but strong opinions sometimes bring that response.

Hopefully, the membership all strive to bring positive criticism as well as soft comfort to the site. If one chooses to send an ugly PM or e mail, you have to ask your self what is the purpose of your response? Is it to share a difference of opinion or to win? If you need to win an argument then you don't belong here. in my humble opinion, of course.

If eeky has suggestions that are helpful then she is welcome. In my mind, if you come out with a flame thrower type post or response, it will come back and bite you on the behind. There aren't always a lot of voices but there are tons of eyes that watch here.

The bottom line is that there are board manners. New members and old members follow them for the most part. We sometimes make mistakes(I know that feeling) but I am quick to apologize and ask to start fresh the next day.
Hopefully those involved in eeky gate will start fresh tomorrow.

 

[flutterbee]

MB, agreed.

There have been members that have gone after other members in PM. I've been known to speak my mind to the mods. But, I would never dream of telling someone they don't belong here.

And Jen:

So, unless I saw those pm's myself hmmm.. yet i'm not looking to debate any of it.

Sounds like you're debating it to me. I can't believe you would say that after what was discussed on this thread. Just defeated the purpose of this entire thread.

 

[Jena]

Heather, not at all actually at least to me. I'm sure the intent of that was well taken, which is exactly how it was meant.

Nor, do i think we should now be aruging any of this amongst ourselves to be honest. That in itself will take away from Meowbunny's time and point of the thread to begin wtih. I spoke my peace in regards to it and now i'm done.

I agree with what Fran said basically

 

[meowbunny]

Fran, here is the url: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20934 Eeky's comments begin at post #20.

 

[flutterbee]

The intent was passive-aggressive which is exactly how it came across.

The whole purpose of this thread was about how a member was treated in PM - she may not be a mother, but she is an older sister trying to help her mother. And you just invalidated the entire thread by deciding not to believe what was said.

I don't want other members speaking for me via PM telling someone they don't belong here. They do not speak for us all and it shouldn't be done.

 

[Jena]

Point was taken by all. Yet if we continue to go back and forth on this thread and keep it up on the main board it may just deter other new parents from joining this amazing place, especially around holiday time when it can be so very hard handling our difficult child's.

I understand your point Heather, i do. I also feel the same, I would not want others speaking for me unbeknownst to me, you are soo on target with that comment. As far as my comment, it was meant how it was written.

Yet I think the best thing to do now is let it lie. Meowbunny made a great point and whomever reads this will see that. Id just hate for new members to be apprehensive about joining if we too begin going back and forth on it all as current supportive members to eachother.

(((hugs to everyone)) alright for real i'm going in my corner now....

 

[Shari]

Gosh, I really don't want to post this, cause I don't want in the middle, but...

Jen, I think what Heather was trying to say is that Eeky perceived the PM's to be negative, and included some wording. All we have on this board is what is on your screen in black and white - and while it can be wonderful, we have to take it at face value. By saying you aren't going to beleive she *should* or *should not* be offended without personally reading the PM's, kinda comes across as going against that "face value" thing - as saying those words aren't really there.

Golly I hope this wasn't the wrong thing to do.

 

[klmno]

Well- ok- I thought Jen meant that maybe a pm with those exact words weren't sent to eeky. Maybe eeky interpreted those words. I don't know- I don't think anyone here would deliberately lie, but it's hard for me to think of a single person who would pm another and "push" them to leave the board, too, unless it was really warranted and it was a moderator who did it.

But, I guess this is the point of it- we don't always interpret the words in the posts exactly as they are meant....and those of us reading the words can interpret things differently from each other sometimes.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm so clueless. I missed it all. I can't believe that, within this group of wonderful people, anyone EVER PM's people to try to get them to "tow the line." I'm just floored. I really don't think anyone should suggest that somebody not post. I have learned so much from everyone here...I would be sad if anyone was chased off because a few people didn't like the way somebody posted...JMO. Feeling sad right now...

 

[bran155]

I am sorry, I do not in any way want to feed into the negativity but I must say this: I went back and read the original posts and I must say that I can see how she was mistaken, she was EXTREMELY blunt and I found some of what she said offensive. The language she used was totally uncalled for!!! Not to say that I agree with nasty pms or bullying - I DONT!!! I just can see how some of the members might have been put off by her aggressiveness as well as some of her word choices.

p.s. Jennifer, kudos to you. I think you handled her responses beautifully!!!!

 

[tiredmommy]

Ladies, With all due respect to all parties I'm going to lock this thread. We seem to be going round and round at this point. I will say, however, that I feel it's in very bad form to present yourself as a caring individual on the public portion of the site, to turn around and be nasty in pm. I must remind all members that you can notify a moderator if you take exception to another member's posting. Also, pm's can be forwarded to myself, Cheryl or the appropriate moderator if another member is being abusive.