Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..

[InsaneCdn]

As soon as we got to the house, he was asleep within few minutes( he took his night pill ) He has no issues with my dad and as far as I know theres no separation anxiety. I was hoping he just has a bond with me and missed his mom! What do you all think?

What do I think?
I think your son is wiser than you in some ways.

He believes that the nuclear family is the highest priority. And he is right.

 

[Hound dog]

I've not read the other replies.........

Grandpa needs more than you can give, more than anyone without some type of training can provide due to his current level of care. Sight loss and tactile loss is a sound reason to have him placed either in assisted living or a nursing facility. If Gramps wants to bulk, then you bring in a social worker who will evaluation his safety in the home without help.......and he will go whether he likes it or not, or else he will pay for qualified care in order to stay in his own home.

The guilt? Go stick it on a shelf somewhere. Not everyone is cut out to care for the elderly, especially once they reach a certain level. You and the rest of the family can still dote on grandpa where ever he ends up, you just don't have to carry the whole load when you've already got a full plate.

There needs to be a family meeting, one with a social worker if necessary.

I'll admit, my mother is driving me insane. Time and distance faded memories that should have never faded. I'm handling her fine, but it's one of the HARDEST things I've done. And this is not the first time I've cared for an elderly family member until they walked on to the next world. Being with an insane person 24/7 is exactly what you might imagine it to be. My girls are starting to step up the support because I have told them I'm about to blow a gasket, and I am, I'm also one who doesn't have an issue admitting it.

Mom knows the moment safety becomes an issue, she goes into some sort of assisted type care. There will be no discussion. I will use the medical POA to place her if she is uncooperative.

If it is too much for you at this point in your life, then it is what it is. You gave it your best shot. Time to figure out what the next step will be.

((hugs))

 

[Confused]

Thanks everyone.

Guide, Vacation? Thats on my "please give me a miracle list" I still am willing to camp out somewhere for a week, although Ill be a nervous wreck in a tent in the middle of no where lol

Midwest,Yes its too much. So yes, he has VA but does not qualify for assisted living he needs more care. He has TRI Care, Medicare, and retirement check so he is set to have/hire more people.

Insane, I just dont know what to believe at this point, but your right on that.

Hound, Its hard isnt it for our elders and difficult children!! I mean if my kids didnt have issues, I had a reg job, and my dad was healthier, sure I can handle hrs with grandpa..with my kids by my side of course. Im glad your girls are starting to help. Hang in there too

**** Weird that I started this topic he was on his couch, as he was again tonight... this time I kept my cool just asked hey you ok, you need help to your chair or bathroom? Im proud of me for that BUT add my son tonight not going to sleep( refused sleeping pill and has been acting like a wild animal banging, jumping, talking, screaming like a tornado.) NO respect to at least keep it down while others try to sleep. No matter what he just wouldn't calm down! He even layed on the floor in the way of where my grandpa would have to walk knowing my grandpa cant see and barely walk.. Even when stepping outside he just screamed and neighbors lights when on :/ We came home and now was keeping my dad up!

My sister told me again tonight that "but you are there you can do it,. Ughhh really? I told her you and our Aunt says cuz your there! "Oh well they cant handle it like I can, Im doing such a great job.. just cut down some hrs so I can work too." they say. well sis says nursing home but not my decision its aunts - sort of. My cousin was tantrum happy as a child, my aunt has sympathy for me as my kids with issues, ( she says), esp son, as I understand even more so now what she went though, but even my cousin and sis weren't as bad as my son. So I keep thinking of my health, panic attacks, acid reflux is so bad most foods daily doesnt even make it down my throat. ( back on the otc medications) my teeth, my headaches, Im so tired all the time, shaking, whining( nothing new sorry) but guess what?

I see myself dead in less then 10 yrs because of all the stress, my health will just keep spiraling down and I wont be able to stop it. I see my kids with one day less of me, even if they hate me they are my life, loves and responsibility. All I can think about is how it will feel it being just me and my kids for a while( until my dad needs more care) I mean, my sis will eventually come and she can help our dad, hopefully. Even if its for 6months/year etc. Gpa will need help or VA at the same time. I will need a job away from town, I will lose this house but at this point, my kids and my sanity comes first. I am tired of things getting in my way to have a semi decent life. I want my troubles to be less, all I keep thinking is how many caregivers DIE BEFORE the patients... and with caring for two adults full time, my sis in a sense( again mix of both my kids) no way am I gonna take it, and that scares me.

You know, I did promise to keep my grandpa out, and I promised to help,and I have and am, but I never promised full time- almost 24/7. I can keep my promise by having help come in and I have told him that a while back.. you know what? Since he chooses not to, thats his fault because I told him I cant do 24/7 nor does he want me to he claims. So, Im not gonna feel guilty with that anymore.. I gave notice and warnings that I cant be there- doctors still clearing him to be home..as far as my kids... Im not giving up and still searching for help with evaluations.therapy's etc. Sorry so long but least I feel better!!

 

[BusynMember]

Your family is using you, glad you'll do it so they don't have to.

Confused, if they loved you they would not want you to do this. I am not saying they don't love you at all, but you are somebody they can boss around and treat badly and you refuse to change anything once your promised something, even if it's not working.

Confused, I would NEVER want my kids to feel they had to care for me when I was sick and needed grandpa's degree of care. As for sister...really? She's still young. There is help for her, whatever her issues are, and you don't have to house and care for her. Dad? Why does Dad want you to care for him on top of his difficult father? He can't live in assisted living either? What if you didn't exist? As for aunt, calling the shots from afar, let her try it and you'll see Grandpa and Dad suddenly getting A LOT of services so that aunt's life can go on, which is normal.

You are not obligated to keep a promise you probably made years ago when Grandpa, Dad and co. were all much healthier and you didn't know how hard it would be and maybe you didn't have children. Promises get broken because circumstances change. You are sacrificing getting valuable work experience in the prime of your life, having fun, and letting your own kids made noise in their own home, as kids do, for all these elder relatives who are taking advantage of you and guilting you.

What kind of life do YOU want? Why won't you go for it?

In the end, you will not get the appreciation or accolades you hope for, nor the love. Loving people don't do this to a family member. Let somebody else get Grandpa's house. Dad lives next door? Sister lives there? It will never really be your house anyway.

You should not be dead in ten years. I am guessing you are in your 30's. You should have forty or more years to go and your health should not be so bad at such a young age. I hope you learn to value yourself and do what is best for you. Nobody here can make you do it though. in my opinion it would be best to go very low contact with this bossy, bullying, guilt-you family and start your own life with your kids. You have a hard enough battle with them. Your son should not have to be quiet because of Grandpa. He's a little boy. They don't do quiet.

I am hopelful, with this last post of yours, that you are finally cutting the ties that bind.

Hugs and good wishes.

 

[TerryJ2]

What MWM said.

 

[Confused]

Well dad claims he doesn't want my help but needing little things now. Gpa called this morning to complain I didnt make new hot coffee for the lady coming in this morning at just after 5am. (I just made the pot yesterday and before I took over the other ladys time, they had to make coffee anyways) and complained I shouldn't wake my son up at 4am... So I reminded him we left last night at 11pm around and havent been back he got mad hung up. I locked the door last night so my dad went to unlock it for the lady after he called...and dad said it was unlocked. Gpa said he didnt unlock he claimed. Well I know I locked it. Anyways fast forward he called about his wheel chair wanting it in front of him making no sense, got mad that I didnt rush to get his wheelchair because I was in the middle of handling a tantrum with son.( son had broken a mug supposedly rolling it to hard to me which I didnt even know it was there, claiming he wasnt mad but...) I finally went down and he demanded the wheelchair in front of him, I kept telling him I didnt understand why if he wasn't going anywhere. He does not use the wheel chair in the home unless we push him because he has no strength, needs helping getting in it, cant see and the bigger one is tricky to fit through the doorways. He got mad and kicked me out! I called his daughter who has POA and she said just leave him alone, dont bother going down unless he calls you. I told a neighbor- tried a couple others to check on him.

So anyways, yes, Im in my late 30's and I know this is my last chance here. I talked to daughter already about possibility of moving out of town if we get kicked out of here, but also if I find a job elsewhere and shes fine with it!!! Son I will mention it soon when he is calm- it would be hard on him to switch schools as hes doing better there..and does not want to leave his school. But, time will tell. Im been looking for all sorts of jobs now Thank you both

*** another question, I finally got some sleep buy why am I still so tired? Because of all the drama?Stress? It still feels like I dont get much even when I catch up a little.

 

[BusynMember]

Confused, that is out and out abuse. Period. NOBODY HAS RIGHT TO THROW YOU OUT OR HANG UP ON YOU! My God, you are trying to take care of them. What jerks (sorry about that, but they are and, yes, I know they can be nice. Anyone, even a psychopath can be nice for a few minutes). You're tired because who wouldn't be?

Don't wait to be kicked out, if only not to give them the satisfaction or to experience the hurt. GET OUT FIRST!

Now let's break this down.

Why should you get up at 5am? You don't have a job. You need your sleep. I sure don't get up at 5am and I *have* a job. This lady can't make her own coffee or warm old coffee up in the microwave? Or do without coffee? Jeesh. I'd tell them all to go to that hot, hot place where the sun don't shine! Insanity! And you should not feel obligated to do it. As for the wheel chair, tell your father, "Stop disrespecting me. You will get it when I have time to get ready and come over and not before." These adult difficult children need to be treated like the children they are act like pouty, obnoxious children.

You have too much good time in front of you to waste it on these people, your family, who abuse you, use you, and don't "allow" you to have a life. But understand this, the one who is not allowing yourself to have a good life is not them...it is YOU. You are like an abused wife who feels guilty or afraid to leave. This is like a domestic abuse situation and I'd seek help at the domestic abuse shelter. Shouting at you, expecting you to wake up at all hours just to make coffee, guilting you, hurting you emotionally and physically making you sick IS ABUSE. It's garbage. Normally I say take what is useful and leave he rest, but I think it's important for you to break the chains and get out of Dodge and stop being their unpaid servant. I assume you don't get paid for caring for them, although Grandpa was in the military and has a check that comes in every month and Dad gets SSDI. Does Dad still smoke? Well, he isn't going to get any better then, is he? Is he as bad as Grandpa at not caring for his health, but expecting you to jump with he snaps his fingers. You call that love? Who is this aunt who has so much power over everyone? Why is sister involved? There are services if she is mentally ill and homes.

Girl, your kids make more sense the more I hear. THey are not of the best DNA and on top of that they are forced to be quiet because of these older people and they see horrendous behavior and disrespect toward you. They will never respect you if they live with that and you accept it. They will respect you more if you get out of Dodge.

My family was a loony bin, but it was not as bad as yours. Nobody expected me to care for them, unpaid, and not work and jump when they said "NOW!" If they had, I never would have done it. Not in my twenties. No in my thirties. Never. I know you aer also caring for Mother, although she isn't sick. You are not responsible for ANY of them. You ARE responsible for yourself and your kiddos.

Get help for yourself so you can have a good life. Who knows? You may meet the man of your dreams

But no man is going to want to inherit your family. You are not tied to them. You are all separate people. You do not have to live your life for them (or kill your health for them) just because you share DNA. It's abuse, abuse, abuse. It.Is.Abuse.

Hugs.

 

[Confused]

I hate to admit this but I have also hung up on people. I just got so tired of it all ya know? No excuse I know. Well, yes, guilty and afraid to leave. More less guilty. I know if I had a job and backup place to live Id feel less afraid. I really can see a trailer( apartments cost to much) with my name on it I pray but getting the money is a whole another thing. Called job again. Gpa does get a check and wants to save money to leave me after he dies to handle a few bills until I find a job. When I tell him the house or kids needs something he pays but yikes never ending guilt trip.. same with when I ask for me. My dad doesnt make much and has bills to pay, so far he hasnt barely needed anything from me, lately just fixing foods( he does when hes not in so much pain)

Grandpa gets up at all hours sometimes but usually by 3/4am and used to wait until 6am for the girls to come and help and fix things. My dad is grouchy but not like my grandpa. Dads more open to things and is still driving around, and helping me keep the kids busy and with h.w. as much as possible. He wants me to get a job so we can have a back up. I agree. Sister will come home... she had never been diagnosed but is a cross of both my kids. My aunt was given POA from gpa and now she wants to reverse the WILL to the way SHE had it which is my kids school money and this house go to her.My grandpas check can pay for help or the VA and she says no pull it out of his savings I said why? As long as Im working I dont need any money from him.

I was at gpas last night, asked what he would like for breakfast, gave pills, danish, drink, and he wanted nothing. Son decided to throw another violent tantrum and still very moody..I couldnt go visit. My dad ofered to help him gpa blew and said hes lonely and everyone quits and no one cares about him etc and he will go to VA. I told him before I need to get son calm and counseling with medications and things hopefully calm down and I could help some and visit. But If he wants me there all day, I have to work all night, when do I sleep? All day with gpa is min 8hrs add job going to and from full shift /10hrs depending if I need a bus, then time with kids.. ummm, just dont see it. Son is home Im exhausted and have lots to do places to go and cant now. Bleh!Oh add I hit my toe lastnight and its bruised and sore.


Well everyone, keep your fingers crossed that someone hires me quick!!! Thanks

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

****how can I work on me if my situation never changes?

One small step at a time. Perhaps you could begin with exploring caregiver stress on YouTube or TED. There are so many people helping others to the point that they are exhausting themselves. Just like it is with our difficult children, no one really knows how to do caring for our elderly. It is a really hard thing to know when enough is too much.

Maybe it could help if you said: "I love you. I am leaving, now."

If I keep something simple, then I can remember to say that and nothing more and that is an important thing to know.

Small steps, small changes, things you can handle.

Just a little more time for yourself. For right now, that is all you are looking to accomplish. Try not to look further ahead than that.

Just a little time for cherishing yourself, for tasting the taste of your life.

If the other family members do not step in to fill the gap that is on them.

These changes can happen. However tiny those first steps toward freedom are, take them.

Do you have a day when you don't go there? Or are you there every day.

Take this Sunday off.

Smile, tell your grandpa how much you love him, and tell him you will not be coming on Sunday. His response matters less than your courage in having made this beginning. Plan now how you will nurture yourself through the hurt of his response. No one likes someone they are depending on to take time away. Your grandpa is making choices. Those choices have consequences, but that doesn't mean you are the one who should pay them.

Your family can, and should, step up to the plate.

husband' family was spinning off in their own directions too, where care of the mom was concerned. One of the sisters was burdened with most of the care. Everyone else would visit, get praise for that, and be gone within an hour or two while the sister was left being yelled at and put down and never having any time away.

So, we started emailing the mother's needs, status, falls, and behaviors to every brother and sister in a common thread. Suddenly, no one could say they did not know. Those who were trying to avoid responsibility had to admit it publicly.

It worked beautifully.

There were hard feelings about it, but nothing more than "This is what happened, today and I need help." needed to be said.

The sister who was designated caretaker just needed someone to stand with her. With just that little bit of support, she was able to change her status from someone the others did not want to see too well because she represented their own irresponsibility to a valued member of a family where the sibs were equally involved with the mother and her needs. It actually did turn out that the sibs who tried to hang on to the old way of doing things, where the sister took the brunt of it and got no credit or even, thanks ~ began looking exactly like the jerks they were being on the email threads all the other sibs were reading.

Perhaps something like that could work in your family?

Cedar

 

[Confused]

Thank you Scent Of Cedar, I will give it a try I go everyday unless Im to Ill , Or with kids and ask my dad/son to go. ( My son even though he can have such violent and mean hatred has his "other" personality where he is the most helpful smart little man and can help out, he has offered) My Aunt because I have been complaining about all my situation has made a few calls and she got the old caretaker back for a few hours.Long story. But I still have lunch, dinner and all night with gpa. I dont mind helping but as I said my situation changes from day to day as my dad is in the hospital, daughter refuses to go to gpas and says shes working on her homeschooling. Or when my son acts up, appts. But as my dad and others said" theres a reason they have Nursing homes in shifts, and its the person job, as you dont have one... " So some good points.

My Aunt used to come every 2 months, maybe 3 and stay 4 or so days. Now shes not working and says she cant handle him its to much on her blood pressure. ( She lives in another state as does the rest of my family..except a handful who lives in the same State but other cities) BUT many of these adults can afford to come and stay even a few days a month, swing by when they go on their fancy vacations. They all tell me" Your there, your younger, you can handle it, balance your kids and find a job( some say no job just care gpa)!!

 

[Confused]

Ok no sense in me starting a new thread just to do this..........


SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM UGGH! Kids know the rules on bathing, even the scheduled times,( giving them their own options and they never bathe) so son is playing, refusing a bath been in the same clothes, yelling" shut it punk" and few minutes ago when I raised my voice he told me he wishes I was dead again Im so uggh that I cant get him to even get in the bath, besides his defiance, hes late for the sleeping pill and bed. Now, he will be even harder to get up. Showers never work esp for daughter in the morning.. well, even son now. Add its late for me as I tried to nap today with no success and his laundry has to be washed for school. Oh joy hes throwing dog food at me.

 

[BusynMember]

My Aunt used to come every 2 months, maybe 3 and stay 4 or so days. Now shes not working and says she cant handle him its to much on her blood pressure. ( She lives in another state as does the rest of my family..except a handful who lives in the same State but other cities) BUT many of these adults can afford to come and stay even a few days a month, swing by when they go on their fancy vacations. They all tell me" Your there, your younger, you can handle it, balance your kids and find a job( some say no job just care gpa)!!

Well, I would stop letting family use you for t heir free care. There IS a reason there are shifts in nursing homes. The nurses would go crazy under your schedule. What a convenient excuse for Auntie. Why do you let them tell you what to do?

You only have a few years left to mother your children intensely.

You need to distance yourself from this whole situation or you will have you aunt's medical issues at age 39 or whatever. Your kids will never get the attention THEY need. And you will have no job experience at forty years old.

Your kids should not have to live this kind of life.

My heart goes out to all of you. Here's hoping you finally decide to walk away. They'd all find a way to get care. They are using you. In the end, if anything happens to anybody, they will blame you. You are the family scapegoat. I've been there, and it doesn't feel good a nd you can never please all these people you hope will finally praise you for what you do.

Think of your children first. This is no life for them...Mom taking care of a very sick Grandpa every day, your father sick and under your care and your sister now another burden. Loving families don't have these expectations of one another. This is abuse. You are the only one who can stop it though.

If you take slow steps to change things, and you aren't even doing that, your kids will both be eighteen and disrespectful and possibly in serious trouble and you will two more to care for. It will never end because you allow it. This is on your shoulders. I hope you wake up and see that this is not love; it's abuse. The guilt is part of their abuse. A big part.

Hugs.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The guilt is part of their abuse. A big part.

The guilt is the part that makes the abuse possible. And that has to do with how you see yourself and your role. You sound so much like me, Confused. I have willingly "helped" myself into positions where people were walking all over me.

And I never even knew that is what they were doing, or that there was anything wrong with it.

I would never try to evade helping. It does not compute for me that anyone else would, either.

But they do that.

Here is a beginning way out.

Time.

Take control first of your time.

Give them notice and then, don't go there.

You need someone to fill in for you Tues - Thurs. (Or whatever days you choose.) You are going to be taking a class, you think you might have found work. Stick to it. Not "Can you help with so and so," but "I will not be there on the following days." Or for the following weeks. Just like we have to do it with our difficult child kids, we have to stand up to our families of origin.

In my case, I think they already did not like me. They only liked that there was always someone who could understand their crappiness into decency.

Or maybe that was me who thought that.

It is a two-handed sword.

What they do about your choosing to stand up is up to them ~ and is on them.

MWM is right.

You are the young mom, here. The others are using you. Your children need you and you need them. That is why we have children in the first place.

To be their mothers.

Warm and peaceful or kicking up a storm, your children need time with you, too.

It happens that as we stand up just a little, we get stronger. And the next step is just as scary. One day, we wake up and find ourselves in a bright, happy place from which our families of origin look pretty messed up.

I still can hardly believe it.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, Cedar, you say it so well.

I never had to say no. By the time my parents were older, well, my mom wasn't talking to me and, to be honest, my family is very independent. My 90 year old dad asks for nothing from us.

But I used to do things for people who turned it against me later in life, Confused. Look, I care about you. I care about your hurting heart. I'm old enough to be your mother and I wish I COULD be there for you to shield you from this abuse. I would do it if you'd let me.

I remember when my sister may have had encephalitis and she was still in college. I was young too. I called my mother to ask her to take her to the doctor or to be with her at the hospital...the little details fail me. All I know is that I told her off after the fact. I think it was that my mother, who had money, would not pay for it or threatened not to and maybe she never did. So I did. We did not have money. During the time I was tellling my mother how her total disregard of her daughter was hurting her, I told her some things I was not supposed to tell her, like that my sister had an eating disorder and that she had done some drugs. Honestly, my heart did not mean to do anything other than try to get my mother to pay my sister's medical bills from now on. I don't know if she did or not. Guess what? My mother and sister turned this incident on me.

Ten years later my sister hung up on me after blubbering she'd never talk to me again because I told my mother "secrets." Ten years later I had no idea what she was even talking about. Well, seems that after Mom and Sis got cozy, my mother didn't like my close relationship with my sister (my opinion for her motive) and wanted to cut it off. So she twisted what had happened and told Sis that I told her all the bad things she did when she was in college so that I would think poorly of Sis. And Sis believed it and did not speak to me for three years or even let me explain. In fact, when I drove to her house, because she kept hanging on, she called the cops and I was told by the cops that my sister was "afraid of you."

Ok, this was not the only time I tried to help my sister AND my brother. In the end, they turned on me. It had to be that way. I was t he black sheep.

Confused, YOU are the black sheep. No matter what you do it will never be enough, be good enough, or end (unless you stop it). When Gpa is gone, and somehow it will be your fault he died even if he's 99, you will inherit the house WITH aunt or something close to that and still be in charge of caring for now maybe older aunt, Dad, Mother, Sister and both of your kids who see your being thrown around like trash and, because of your good heart and fear of letting down those whom you desperately want to love you, you will not ever say "I can't."

Confused, you are not young. Your aunt is wrong. You are old. You have never been allowed to be young. You have always been an unpaid caregiver for your ungrateful relatives who aren't even nice to you. Do you want your kids to think that this is how normal people behave? That this is how YOU believe you should be treated? You don't deserve this.

I am 61 and many of my friends have very elder parents in homes. They visit. They take them out. They give th eir love. They are very attentive. They do NOT have them in their homes, pretending they know how to take care of the sick, the frail, those who may be getting dementia. If somebody's parent falls and breaks a hip in a home, they do rush to their side. This is NORMAL attachment, NORMAL loving. What you are doing is accepting the role of a slave, an abused slave. Nobody should have to take care of so many people all the time plus raise two special needs children. And the children also deserve better.

Confused, they tell you what to do like you are a little kid. Gpa buys a toy for your son and dictates how he can play on it. You allow him to. They treat you like a little girl. Yet they expect you to snap to do their bidding and take on a role that ten adults could never do. Did THEY do this for so many relatives when they were your age?

Another thing I wonder. ARe they misusing your religious beliefs by telling you you'll go to hell or something if you don't take care of them? If so, you need to speak to a pastor. He will set you straight...that is false. Something you posted made me think maybe they were throwing that in for good measure. No religion on earth dictates what you are doing.

I truly hope to read one day that you have decided to make other plans for your relatives and just be there at appropriate times. Then I hope you move away with the kids and tend to their needs since so little time exists when you can. I hope you finally live your own life and not their lives. I think you live a very sad story, but I also know you can give it a happy ending.

My own feeling, from what you've written, is that a long as you are in their orbit you will never be free. I'm not sure a slow detachment would ever work. For you, in order to have a life, you may have to get out of Dodge. Only you know.

I hope you do. I hope so very much.

 

[Californiablonde]

I really hope you can get strong, Confused, and put your foot down with your family. I can feel your stress and anxiety every time I read one of your posts. I feel bad for you. You have been superwoman for your family way too long and you deserve some freedom and peace. I really hope and pray that you get it.

 

[Confused]

You both are so right I cant do this anymore I just cant. Im just crying a lot, Im so tired I barely sleep , attempted yellow egg( my dads awesome at it) and it didnt turn out again, Im tired- did it quick and some things I just cant make no matter how simple they are for others. My son and I went to gpas to feed him and fix pills, drinks, check in on him, make the bed, turn of the heat on one side of the house...and within 25 minutes this is what I got: NON STOP..And I gotta go fix lunch Im late but Im shaking so bad I just cant go handle him at the moment...

"Where have you been , whats wrong"( didnt spend the night and told him before he went to bed last night I wasnt and I got blasted for that)

"The heat you left on full blast again, money trying to save and your just spending" Um HIS bedroom other side of house he has to have it on, its still cold...when it was off before" what are you trying to do freeze me out, I couldn't sleep blah blah"

"Didnt/ dont you know how to do x, y, z" for most of the time

"Cooking is easy, why dont you understand to follow a recipe, open a book, dont feed me this -just I wont eat" Then he tells the neighbors I dont feed him or have time to. Offered soups/tv dinners and thats awful he says.

"Why you keep apologizing when Im just telling you..."

"I want a broom all these months no one gets me a broom Im trying to clean my home, my carpets, tile, cabinets" no one helps me" I interrupted him and told him , we do help even a full thick carpet that you have cant handle a broom. And I only use a vacuum on carpet I said" he yells at me saying he will do it, " hes blind, barely can walk and WILL fall "when he does this and I refuse it to be my fault so I tell him I dont know where it is. I do know where it is but darn it Im not going to be responsible for him getting hurt when hes acting like a fool". So even when I told him nicely he will fall I get yelled at.

"Why you sleeping you slept for 4 damn hours" this morning and I was nice enough not to call you and your complaining.." Um, first of all, I dozed off about 10 maybe 20 min max this morning.. I was planning sleeping a while yes, but between the phone, dogs, daughter is home, my stress, my dad is going into heart surgery today -well new defiblater along with a groin surgery but we arent telling gpa or anyone but my sis and my friend who is mad at me cuz she is helping with my son. My dad has had a stroke on the table, has trouble coming out of surgeries... so ya, IM stressed!!

---I just do everything wrong, Im shaking, tooth pain from cavity, dizzy, pulse rate is up, and Im just tired! Yes I am trying to change my situation, I have been calling my Aunt almost daily lately crying and thats when she called the old caretaker back and told my grandpa something has to be done. In fact, called her again today, shes not home. But things are still rocky there between her and me.HUD ,even emergency HUD can take up to two years!! One year est, but, yes, Im looking into it. Apartments with my screaming violent son? Ahh no, but cheap ones cost a little too much too. Agin 6 months working even for the bad areas of town. But again, keeping options open. Still taking down Christmas stuff!!!



****Thank you I know Midwest Im their scapegoat and being used.. I agree with everything you said.. but as my Aunt /sis says, they arent doing that Im just here and they said to work... I know Im old, Its like I sit here remembering when I was 5, 6,7,8, and all I thought about is how my life was good( didnt realize my grandpa/others were the way he was til I was a teen and yes, he treated my aunt,dad and uncle the same way as me..esp my dad) My life was set, of course my ex step mom was mean.. I been in bad relationships/bad friendships. Both my grandmothers have passed years ago, and my mom bless my mom , even with her Schizophrenia she was the most amazing women you could meet. She loved my sister and I so much. One day when she wasnt having a delusion, she looked at me and said" I know Im sick but I love you and your sister" I cried so hard like I am now and hugged her told her we love her and know that, then she just went back into her other world. She passed away in Jan 2010. Yes, I get religion held over me, but here is why I dont fully believe in the catholic religion. I do not feel those who have gender or same sex issues should be judged...we were told back in the day marriage was not an option, even if there was abuse/cheating and a remarriage after divorce was approved through the church and only if the person converted! Ok, they have change the last one but still. Then Of course if we so not go to church we go to hell, devils chasing us. In my life... its complicated but I do "pray " and we believe in God. Oh thats the other thing.. I believe in all healthy religions, that there is a God their God, or higher being even if its not the "same god" .

****Scent thank you and yes, like you said "In my case, I think they already did not like me. They only liked that there was always someone who could understand their crappiness into decency."- Yup I know they hate me, as does most of my neighbors... Im not that much different then the neighbors kids, ok, weigh wise yes, and no job but the job issues, in my defense was in school, threatened by gpa hed kick me out if I didnt finish college first" then when I started looking for a job I was prego w son just finishing school, having complications, then my sons issues started from day one" he went to school , and my health was down along with, when I did look off and on no one hired me. All this time cared for gpa but not this much.

I know you all care and you all mean a lot to me,I care about you all and iM sorry I keep complaining all the time, I try to help others. I read your other posts what you all are going through but I dont know if Im allowed to respond to you in substance abuse/PE cuz I dont have kids that age yet.. but I do read them and Im sorry and you all are on my mind a lot. I really dont know who I would have to talk to if I didnt have you all, Im glad I came back and restarted my account. You all do understand and I know you care and are tyring to help me. I want a different life too

 

[Confused]

Thank you Californiablonde, Im trying, Im trying to encourage you and others and here I am stuck in my situation. Yet I give advice haha. I am stressed I dont even want to move off this chair.. I gotta force myself to care for my grandpa at this point. I mean if I just had a little stress just a little with each person I could handle it better. But I think Im at a point I just cant anymore. I agree with everyone, my kids and me , my kids and me. I just have to get there. Then when I have a few minutes or an hr, I can lend a hand to family. But only when we are on our feet and I have a break...and when I can say no and stick to it.

 

[BusynMember]

I know I care. I am outraged at how you are treated. And, like I used to be, your mother saying she loved you (like everyone should expect, right?) made you cry because like me you didn't hear it from anyone else. We were happy for any crumbs.

If Gpa gets out his vacuum cleaner and falls, you know whose fault that is? His fault. Sounds like he throws nonstop abuse at you. You don't need t hat, honey. I would let some caregiver do it for him. My hub has VA and he says caregivers are covered under VA. Let him deal with strangers. He has no right to treat you like trash. No right to expect you not to sleep in. No r ight to expect you to do his every bidding. He is an abusive man. Your aunt is also abusive. I hope you lose her too and go your own way.

The fact is, most people have others outside of the family taking care of their loved ones. We are not trained to do it and it's not good for them or for us to allow them to pick on us. No, it's not good for Grandpa either to be a tyrant. It makes him think he IS one.

You grew up with abuse, like me, and did not know "normal", like me. But you can escape it, like me. I don't even talk to anyone from my family of origin now (except dad and he has rules if he wants to be able to talk to me3). I thought I'd feel lonely and lost if I ever lost contact with my brother and sister, the only DNA connection I really know. Maybe from TV, I overestimated the importance of DNA over those who truly cared for me. So I thought if sis or bro didn't speak to me I was no good. Then it happened and I don't feel bad at all. Instead, I feel relieved, freed, and peaceful.

Keep coming back here. We do care.

 

[Confused]

Thank you Midwest Yes, and what made it even more special is that my mom wasnt in one of her paranoid delusions, it was the "real her". Kids used to tease me Id turn out like her, and I got a little scared and embarrassed. Then I realized something, my mom had issue, but she was still my mom and a great one at that! I was lucky overall to have a mom who really loved us no matter our faults.

My Aunt called back and I filled her in..again... and I flat out told her.. for now, I will call see if he wants food/drink/help. I will go in and check for a few minutes make sure everything is ok. Night for now varies with son and daughter but daughter doesnt want to go, and I don't know about my son now after gpa went on and on this morning. I told my Aunt that no matter Im work days try not nights so my only shift with grandpa is 8/9pm -5/6am and thats it!!! I dont know whats going to happen but she and my grandpa are going to have to decide care. I need a job and kids need to get back into sports,volunteering and stuff. Nights are not forever either..

Please keep my dad in your thoughts - Hes in surgery as we speak. Thanks

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Well, seems that after Mom and Sis got cozy, my mother didn't like my close relationship with my sister (my opinion for her motive) and wanted to cut it off.

I believe this is true. My mother said something like this to me once re: caring for my mother. "It's so funny to see the jealousy between you and your sister over me."

As is so often the case with my mom, I said nothing at all.

Perhaps it was true.

:O)

***

In the end, they turned on me. It had to be that way. I was t he black sheep.

I never was the black sheep. When we change our roles though, when we begin to get what is happening and stand up ~ man, do the reasons why our families of origin never worked in the first place become glaringly clear.

Or maybe I was the black sheep, periodically.

There were all those years when my parents and I didn't speak.

I always think I am not sure what those times were about. Maybe, that is just the sickness in unhealthy families. Someone has to be on the outside looking in for the family to feel they are inside? It does seem that if my sister is involved, she and my mother create a reality of "I'm Chevy Chase and you're not."

***

I think the difference might be that healthy families do not assign roles. Everything might be very fluid, in those families, so things don't bounce between extremes the way they do in unhealthy families.

Here is the thing. In unhealthy families, there is always a faction, always someone who isn't speaking to someone until that doesn't mean anything, either.

There is no serious, true thing in unhealthy families.

Nothing to hold on to and nothing to stand for.

How sad for us, and how good it must feel in healthy families.

So that is what we are going to shoot for, here.

For you and your children, for the family you make with your children, to be healthy and independent and happy, Confused.

I have learned alot about how to do that, and about how to see what healthy is, here on this site.

***

For you, in order to have a life, you may have to get out of Dodge.

Have you checked with Social Services? Simply present the issue. You don't know what you need yet, because you don't know whether or how they may be able to help you with apartment, food, child or respite care.

That would be for you. Two special needs children means you need some time away, too. Time just for you.

There may even be respite care for the grandpa.

. Im not that much different then the neighbors kids, ok, weigh wise yes, and no job but the job issues, in my defense was in school, threatened by gpa hed kick me out if I didnt finish college first" then when I started looking for a job I was prego w son just finishing school, having complications, then my sons issues started from day one" he went to school , and my health was down along with, when I did look off and on no one hired me. All this time cared for gpa but not this much.

Oh, I think you are very different. This is your time to grow out of who your family promised you you were or could ever be.

They lied.

You can be whoever you see in your mind's eye.

That is how they trapped you in the first place.

It will be scary as you change your idea of who you are and then, change your life accordingly?

But we will be right here.

Im glad I came back and restarted my account.

Me, too.

:O)

Cedar