Elder Care & childrens care...guilt...choices...obligations..love..

[BusynMember]

Confused, you are sooooooooooooo headed out of the slave factory you once lived in. I'm so proud of you!

If you can think of us while you muster up the courage, tell Grampa that you're not doing what the woman he fired did. He had her to do it and he decided he didn't want her so he'll have to do without. Do not go back to it. The man is impossible, just like a child difficult child. It's not his age. It's HIM. My ex's great-grandma lived to be 94 and I never heard her yell or utter a mean word to anyone and she would receive upwards of 100 Christmas cards each year. He is like he always was and everyone was scared of him so they decided to make sure he got his way...and they decided YOU (probably a nice, sensitive, responsible person) were going to be his caregiver...and dad's and aunties and sisters too. Nuts is what it is. Abuse is what it is. But only you can leave. You are like an abused wife who has such low self-esteem she stays with her abusive husband, but many of those women leave and you can too. And they will all abuse you for taking your life back, but you admitted you gave it up.

I can understand your not wanting to work with people. There are many desk jobs that don't require continuous contact with others. And one day you will bounce back and be the person who had spunk and spirit and cared about yourself. You can do it. You WILL do it.

Please try hard. We care about you. Don't let grandpa guilt you into getting up at 5am to make coffee again. THat's insane. He can buy a coffee pot anyway that makes coffee at 5am and if he doesn't do it, well, guess he doesn't want coffee that badly. What a control freak. You think he'd give it up by his age...lol. I think that way about 90 year old father too (mine). Why is he still playing tyrant? Doesn't it take up energy they don't have? LOL!!!!

I like your new spunk!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Im a work in progress

Yes. It is good for you to remember that. (Good for me to do that, too.) We are becoming so keenly aware of the nastiness in the people we trusted to love and want the best for us.

Good on us!!!

Maybe it will help us to be stronger if we envision ourselves as standing up for our rights as surely as overworked, disadvantaged people everywhere must stand up for their rights, too.



I hear a kind of strength and hope and happiness in your writing now.

I am glad.




Are you aware that you continue to mention working with animals? Perhaps that is what you love most. We can be honest and helpful and loving to animals without being taken advantage of. Here is an interesting story: So, I was at work the other day. A couple came in, and bought a painting of a parrot. We got to talking about the parrot and the painting and ~ their parrots. Turns out both partners to this marriage had been divorced, found themselves with nothing but their jobs, and started fresh. Each had somehow gravitated toward the other through their love of parrots and together, had gone on to create an officially sanctioned, licensed, regional safe-haven for abused parrots.

It was an interesting conversation in two ways: First, had this couple stayed in their dysfunctional marriages, they would have continued their caretaking roles in that thankless, being-judged way that is so hurtful to those of us who are natural caretakers. And second, because this couple took risks and made changes in their own lives, they found one another and, together, created a safe haven for innocent creatures living painfully abusive lives, too.

It will be fun to celebrate where life will take you, now that, like me (and of course, like Earth MWM), you are seeing everything from a changed perspective.

We are fortunate, in this.

Cedar

 

[Confused]

MidwestMom, Im trying and his guilt trips /sarcasm are more then ever. He woke me up again for coffee, to find his watch, etc. He cant make his own coffee anymore because he is blind, barely can walk with a walker and cant hold or fix much as he has numbness in his hands/legs no circulation and other issues. My grandpa puts on a show to strangers and most neighbors/relatives. Hes so sweet and a lovable and all he does and is worried about you blah blah is all all I hear. So when I tell them behind closed doors its different.. Im the lier making up lies about my frail grandfather and the rest of family who refuses to come. I know I need out of here...

Scent of Cedar,I hope you and everyone else here keeps having the strength to to be whole and happy! Yes, I know I mention animals a lot! When I was 4/5/6 I told my family this: Im going to have a little house with a white picket fence, 4 kids, 2 dogs and be a Veterinarian, I always wanted to be a Veterinarian! My grandma wanted to be one as well, she never did as she said because back in the day it was harder to go to school, but she also married. She was an animal lover and had dogs while I was growing up, she fed the strays, fed the birds, just animal crazy lol! But my dream never turned out. So, I don't know what I will do hopefully I can work with animals one day!Thank yo for sharing about the couple, thats amazing! I know, many of you have changed with your life experiences.

Thank you both!

 

[BusynMember]

Confused,

You don't owe anyone an explanation of Grandpa. Maybe people have said things to him and he has even said "She's a liar" and who isn't going to believe a "pathetic, old man?" Know what I mean?? You don't owe anything to anyone about your situation.

Grandpa can wait for his coffee and can also buy himself a coffee machine you can set for coffee at 4AM in the morning (if that's when he wants it), while you sleep on. If t here is nothing he can do without your doing it for him, again, he needs to be in an assisted living situation whether he likes it or not. You can't be his everything. Let your sister get up and make his coffee. I haven't heard that she has any physical problems. Having mental health issues doesn't stop one from being able to make a cup of coffee. Jeeeeez!

Be good to YOU for once

 

[Confused]

I know My sis wont help him because he wont let her reptile live there.. plus she is still married in another state.. well, I don't know whats going on there. Aunt( his daughter) I don't know if I mentioned it here wont come because she knows they will fight ( he blames her on things too) and she and her husband will leave and its a waste of their time, gas as well as her high blood pressure issues. She is gpas POA....

I thought of buying a tiny refridge and putting that on a table next to his chair( he cant bend or he will fall over and get hurt) I do feel at this point he needs 24hr care mainly mobility issues. But doctors say hes sound mind and stubborn.

Ya, I had my Dr. Pepper today, fountain drink with some choco cake! I know, diet today who cares! I love my junk haha. That was my good deed for myself!! There's something about fountain drinks vs cans/bottles!

 

[BusynMember]

In other words, you are the only one with a big enough heart to take it all on. And they all know that you can't say "no" to a needy soul, even if they aren't that nice to you.

Bless you. I hope you keep taking those baby steps. They get to be big steps one day I'm glad you treated yourself.

 

[Confused]

Well, I have always wanted to help those in need, even if they have done me or others wrong( as long as not too wrong) and I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings, so yes, its hard to say "no". But even behind that theres the obligation and guilt as well. Weird combo I know. Depends on the person, maybe all I don't know. Somethings have been happening this week, some thinking, confusion, I just dont know what all this is with me. I havent figured it out yet, no not depression. Let me explain: sort of explain

So tonight son said he was staying, but yet wanted to go for soda to gpas and stay with me, but yet half asleep wouldnt go, but yet getting mad for me needing to leave. Well after a big issue my dad got dressed went down and fixed gpas heat and door and came back home. Son earlier was once again throwing rocks into the street not caring when cars came by and thats scaring the hell out of me. He started to take off to get his own fries today barefoot and hes not even allowed to go around the block alone! He broke the mailbox, ripped up our plastic for our landscaped yard,his threats, anger, daughter just wanting her darn comp games.. Laundry is sitting in gpas washer he only has fancy clothes left to wear now, no job, it just goes on and on. ( lady was suppose to do it I thought) Anyways, sons second or now third comment about me staying home with him has hit me hard. He usually goes no issues-on his own. Daughter barely leaves her room so as long as she doesnt have to even go out side ( which I told her she will be walking with us starting this week for 20 min a day daily) shes not happy but oh well! She only wants to leave on her terms.. ha!

I am just feeling so weird I cant explain it.. I dont know.. I don't know. I know I cant work at night no matter because Im a single mom, Im scared because what if thats the only job offered my way for a long time? Well, if I even got that offer? If my kids cant handle me gone to gpas, how will they handle me at work yet they want me to work? What if that was at night? I need to work! Im just feel so weird and cant explain it. I cant even get out what Im trying to say, I dont know what Im saying, I just know, something is off.

 

[BusynMember]

Maybe you're just tired of all the pressure that you put on yourself to please everybody?

Even if your kids don't want you to work, whose in charge? Lots of us work even if our kids don't want us to.

You are the only boss of yourself and your life. You just have to exercise your control over your own life. It does not really sound as if you are liking taking care of so many people (difficult people). At some point you will have to give yourself a break or your body and mind will shut down and then what will everyone do while you can no longer do it?

Hint: I think you'd be amazed at how fast they'd figure it out. They have you so they don't do it, but they would take the necessary steps to have everyone who is sick being taken care of if you wouldn't do it because they sure as heck aren't going to.

I do not know who, if anyone, would step up to take care of your kids, even with all you've done for everyone.

 

[Confused]

I think your right

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It takes a time and half a time, to change how we interpret who we are. But it can be done, and you have begun the process. There will be many times, I think, when you hardly recognize yourself, and when you are not sure changing was a good thing. That is how it is with me, when I decide to change. Brene Brown (you can You Tube her) writes that we human beings are wired, hard wired, for challenge. If you can learn patience with yourself, and kindness for yourself, and compassion, this time of uncertainty will pass.

Keep applying for different jobs, check out Craig's List. You just never know. They say 90% of what happens to us in life has to do with showing up.

That is all you really have to do.

Just go where you said you would and do your best. When you are home with the kids, do your best there, too. If it can only work that you work nights, you will figure it out.

Take it one small, small step at a time. Remember that we all get as many do-overs as we need, and that it is a human privilege to make mistakes.

That is how we learn and grow.

You are doing really, really well, and I am so happy about that.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Confused]

Scent of Cedar, thank you and believe it or not I am trying and have made some decisions the last few weeks, and been packing and looking( you can see my other thread that I updated) Anyways, sorry to all and thanks again to all. Just to update this thread, Im no longer caring for gpa any hours- I have contacted social services- will be in their office tomorrow...and cops although I have done nothing wrong and cops agreed with me. ( they did say continue to take to doctors, keep roof over their head here at my house or where else I choose and its safe here, they know Im not caring for gpa, they see no neglect or issues)

It will be just me and kids at new place. I do have option to stay with a friend if need be. But theres no need. Everyone in family and here knows my new plan. Well been my plan just was taking a bit so I could save money and rent a trailer or whatever. But,two places look good so far with all needed care ,new evaluation, in/ out patient care treatment center thing , therapy !!! / Special Education (non private -its public yes)-school for kids and job me, cost of living is higher but its ok! I just never say every little thing because as I just found out some def info on these places today,( plus was looking at home messages to see call backs) I didnt want to jinx it!

I dont care what anyone says- as much as my days lately have been -its been a overall ok day today,meeting at school will get him by until I can transfer him, son did h.w., got cleaned up and went to sleep! No extreme issues as it had calmed down today with a couple issues that didnt last long! Daughter was studying I got more info on the home school association in the mail today too.

So to add, gpa has a caregiver back, neighbors on standby, if needing night care he can call a male neighbor that we told him to call. Gpa said hes fine, then good! doctors and lawyers said he can still make his own decisions. As am I!

Take care and best wishes you Scent of Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

But,two places look good so far with all needed care ,new evaluation, in/ out patient care treatment center thing , therapy !!! / Special Education (non private -its public yes)-school for kids and job me, cost of living is higher but its ok! I just never say every little thing because as I just found out some def info on these places today,( plus was looking at home messages to see call backs) I didnt want to jinx it!

Yes!

:O)

Cedar

There is a book you might find helpful, now that you are away from abusive, cranky old gpa: Self Esteem, by McKay/Fanning. You could look it up on YouTube, too. In it, interpretation of self and meaning is described as a screen in our brains. We continually play our interpretations of ourselves, and of ourselves in the world, on this screen in our brains. Once we become aware of the theme of the truths we tell ourselves about who we are, we can choose to see ourselves differently.

It was a handy little book, beautifully written.

I think you are changing, already.

Very proud and happy for you.

 

[Confused]

Thank you, ya know, I would not allow kids or me to be at gpas or even in this house if he was physically abusive to any of us. His mouth runs but I havent let the kids hear him as I know how to handle that between them.He hasnt made any comments to them about school or behaving and all he does for them. I told him not to or they wont see him. ( before- none of us has gone down- no worries I wont even drop off food as my dad is doing that) Am I hearing it? Yes!!! I have a migraine so bad bleh!!! Its me hes doing this to , telling this stuff to. Id never put my kids in a bad situation. My grandpa didnt bring down all my self esteem as some of my exes have, ex friends, and strangers, not working. Its embarrassing and hurtful to hear remarks and laughs about my looks. Even when I was thinner Im no model face or body wise. But then I knew I had/have my love for my kids, family, people over all. Going to the vet seeing them just dive in pick the dogs up, ( even the big ones) even handling any nervous ones etc, Im all thinking to myself" I cant do that anymore Im to old" . I dont want to think that way! Ha Im oldish but I know with job training on computers( getting interested in that but not bilingual), stocking, anything= practice.

See I also look at how people judge me everywhere,I start to fall down when I hear some stuff or feel bad for making them mad or whatever, Im far from perfect but I am a good mom and a good person overall.But you know what? I dont care what anyone says anymore ( ok I do but Im not trying to dwell on it), or who changes their opinion of me for whatever reason, Im going to be who I want to be ( yes a nice person and helpful mom as I been) I know I am a work in progress I have been, My kids ARE getting help, Im slowly hopefully losing more weight-every pound counts right?( eating less and less junk too). Son and I will be going to a public school Monday to have him evaluated through their Special Education -its a far district but its public and recently some parents said improved we shall see( to set appointment and give info, then they set the date) Am I worried yes, Im not for the schools here until I leave town, plus I hope this doesnt affect son mentally to bad, as hes already upset about changing schools. But Im the parent so hopefully he will accept it one day, hopefully its a good move. I keep telling him he will be ok, hes strong and smart, change happens to kids and people, look at the military families or families whos jobs takes them out of town.

Son has been ok, still a mouth but right now hes very angry about moving this quickly. Hes not handling it well, we are still getting things done and looking around. He wants to be in his home He says he has friends here( couple kids yes) and he is happy here.

Well, Im closing this ramble so, thank you again. Thank all of you again and no matter what, I care for all of you and hope you all have a great day Hugs to ALL

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

See I also look at how people judge me everywhere,I start to fall down when I hear some stuff or feel bad for making them mad or whatever

This is what people do. It is shocking and sad that we do that, but we do.

It helps me to remember (both for myself, in the way I treat others and for myself, in the way they treat me) that making mistakes, saying just the wrong thing, falling down and falling apart and falling into things we don't have a clue how to handle ~ all that stuff is just what it is to be human, and it happens to all of us.

It is how we think about ourselves as we meet those challenges that teaches each of us who we are.

Change the self concept and the behaviors change and life opens in a new direction.

***

The person who is "mad" may as easily have seen an opportunity for teaching, or for clear expression of a vulnerability or a well-defended hurt. The person who backbites and gossips and name calls knows exactly what they are doing and they set about their destructive patterns with determined intent.

We can know that if they are doing such things with us, they are doing such things to us.

There is nothing personal about any of it.

I was so surprised when I realized that. It feels personal to be the one judged and found wanting, or to be the one targeted or excluded or made an example of.

When we are vulnerable, when we are broken or ashamed or at the ends of our ropes...that is when they strike.

I don't know why they do that. It could be that we have been heartless, or have hurt them in the past.

In any event, since we cannot control what they do, what they do has nothing to do with us. Sometimes, we will be the ones having the bad day. Running around, shooting off our own mouths ~ which I sometimes definitely find myself doing, too.

Even though I know better.

But there are those days when I just let it rip.

Bad Cedar.

Just human, after all.

So then, because we have no other choice, we learn to forgive ourselves, too.

***

As we went through family of origin issues here on the site, I realized that behaving badly unites us, somehow.

We can see the now excluded other person as less than.

I don't know why that should build us up, but it does.

Just look what goes on in political races or even, political discussions. It's heartbreaking and yet, there seems to be almost no other way to unite us than to have a common enemy.

I suppose it's an evolutionary thing.

That is why someone like Martin Luther King was so extraordinary, or the American Constitution. Not "Since the other guy is such a jerk," but "We hold these truths to be self-evident...."

Once we can see that, then we can interact with others without being destroyed...and, some of the time, without destroying anyone else.

Just like they say, it's a balancing act.

You are coming through all of it beautifully, Confused. I am sorry the struggle is such a hard one, but I do think you are doing so well; really, so well.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I always wanted to be a Veterinarian!

My grandma wanted to be one as well, she never did as she said because back in the day it was harder to go to school, but she also married.

I hope you are journalling, or are keeping some kind of record of your process here, Confused. I think you will become a veterinarian. You are changing, strengthening, seeing yourself so differently already.

If you do it, what would you call your clinic?

How would that dream look and feel?

I work in an art gallery. The artist is a woman, a fascinating woman. She is strong and centered and has created something incredible from nothing but her talent and her will and she changed the world, and the ripples are still going out and out and out.

Here is a quote for you:

"No one is listening. Now you may sing
the self song.
As the bird does ~ not for territory
or dominance
but for self-enlargement.

Let something
come from nothing.

~ Stan Rice

Cedar

 

[InsaneCdn]

Confused... about this career thing... Sometimes, our "dream" might be out of reach but still the right direction. If your education holds you back from being a Vet, I'm guessing you'd still have a shot at a vet technician.

 

[Confused]

Scent of Cedar, everything your saying makes sense. And I know it will take time to completely change, but I will keep going. Its hard to let go of things ( I do) but I do take things to heart too much. Thank you for all the quotes, I will keep reading them. No, if I was younger I would open a clinic/work with another Vet. I never actually thought of a name though! Oh my gosh I cant believe I never thought of a name haha! I think for the "dream" of it I will think of one, it will be fun doing it. I bet my kids would come up with a good one if I ever did open one! Your "dream "sounds really nice too, I like that

InsaneCdn, I have played with the idea of that. Almost all courses are online so Id be able to with my kids. It would take about 1 1.2 or so depending for Vet Tech course. Something to look into for sure!


(Last night Son made us a snack of jalapenos, cheese slice and yogurt! Daughter was all no thanks and had her own snack. She loves canned pears in pear juice! )


***Thank you all for the encouragement still, means a lot.

 

[BusynMember]

A Vet Tech at a two year college is a good start. You don't have to be an actual veterinarian to work with animals and to be successful. You don't need a college education...that's a long time and you have kids.

You're detaching really well. The hardest part of detaching is taking the abuse from others. Well, it's not their life. They are welcome to fill in the shoes you left them. Grampa will probably cooperate more with outsiders than you because they won't put up with him not wearing his Life Alert and they will make him do everything he can.

Cautiously glad at your progress.

 

[Confused]

Thank you MidwestMom. I like online schooling myself so it is looking like a good idea, vet tech and computers online! So, Im really excited to think its a possibility! Oh I agree, I couldnt and wouldnt do a Vet degree now, but anything close is fine. Meanwhile Id still love to learn how to use the cash register, stalk , learn computers and Spanish!(And sign language). Well, my kids and I are practicing Spanish so it helps.

I am happy you wrote me I am happy with my progress for everything, and glad your "Cautiously glad at your progress."( not sure how to quote-)

Everyone here is trying to get me to go down, I haven't I promise. He is wearing his life alert as it called my dad and he went right away as did a neighbor. Dads been trying to feed him and he wont eat most times, but is for the caretakers as far as gpa told dad (dad called one to ask havent heard back) Well I am just resting with my kids, getting my health and sleep back up slowly. Thank you

 

[Confused]

oops not stalk- stock.. ok, back to another English/grammar and spelling course