2much2recover
Well-Known Member
Well, Lil, his problem really was that you just weren't being manipulated into bring him the cigarettes. That shows you are getting stronger in saying the big old NO word! When he is unsuspectedly turned down he turns to bullying you by trying to make you feel sorry for him. Then you tell him all the good loving and right "mom" things and that's not what he wants to hear. He wants you to hear and react to: I need, fill in the blank. So, even though you haven't always liked how this group has supported you, you are definitely making progress. I still think you could benefit from a private, one one one or therapy for you and Jabber, to help you to identify and respond to his shenanigans. It takes work and you are definitely making progress, showing you need to change for your own peace of mind. However if you had a professional to help you with "these problems" and the agenda behind them, you could more quickly identify what is really going on.
If you get behind what's his actions are, described, maybe, just maybe, you can detach more from his neediness. And he is needy for sure, not a popular attribute in anyone. Maybe, for just a while you should go low contact, only text messaging until you can more clearly identify his motivations and methods of manipulation and the get stronger in the detachment part of your relationship. It is not detachment from him as a person, but detachment from his controlling and manipulations that should be next on your agenda. You two, are in no way the bad guys here, and as you think about it your son is always trying to find a way to once again take advantage of you even if it's as small as a pack of smokes. It's sad really, however even this low level of manipulating keeps you "caught" by him, his immaturity, his irresponsibility, these things ping your heart and will always bug you until you go deeper and understand when you are being asked for help directly vs manipulation. Getting wise to these games only strengthens you and leads to your own happiness, beyond your relationship with your son. I do hope if you detach and force him to make it on his own, he will live up, eventually, to the man you want him to be.
If you get behind what's his actions are, described, maybe, just maybe, you can detach more from his neediness. And he is needy for sure, not a popular attribute in anyone. Maybe, for just a while you should go low contact, only text messaging until you can more clearly identify his motivations and methods of manipulation and the get stronger in the detachment part of your relationship. It is not detachment from him as a person, but detachment from his controlling and manipulations that should be next on your agenda. You two, are in no way the bad guys here, and as you think about it your son is always trying to find a way to once again take advantage of you even if it's as small as a pack of smokes. It's sad really, however even this low level of manipulating keeps you "caught" by him, his immaturity, his irresponsibility, these things ping your heart and will always bug you until you go deeper and understand when you are being asked for help directly vs manipulation. Getting wise to these games only strengthens you and leads to your own happiness, beyond your relationship with your son. I do hope if you detach and force him to make it on his own, he will live up, eventually, to the man you want him to be.
thank you landlords will let it slide for awhile, but that's why it's a 
sheet - y
