family and difficult child

[svengandhi]

I have a different take on this. I don't think these people have any obligation to give your kids or you a gift. A gift is something you give because you love and care about someone, not because you feel obligated.

Did your difficult child bring THEM a present? If she did, was it on par with what you thought she should get from them if not monetarily, then in thoughtfulness?

On the other hand, since there are children involved, the present opening should have been done out of the presence of your kids, who are too young to understand why the grandchildren are getting great gifts and they are not. That was inconsiderate but it didn't sound intentional - it was probably their family ritual to do it at that time and they didn't see the point in upsetting their grandchildren for kids who might or might not be around next year.

I think these people were thoughtless but I don't think they have any duty to give to your kids the same as their grandchildren. If you do marry their son, however, the gifts should equal up or at least get closer because then there is a relationship.

 

[DaisyFace]

I used to feel the same way as you....naively expecting others to do right by my family or my children...and ending up feeling hurt after things didn't go so well.

Eventually, I learned that it was just easier to turn the tables and politely decline invitations from folks who usually disappoint me.

Instead of explaining, bargaining, or otherwise trying to talk them into the behavior you would hope for...simply arrange to visit with these folks on your terms. Invite them to attend something instead. As hostess, you can specify whether gifts would even be appropriate! Why not emphasize the fact that merely getting together at Christmastime is present enough? Plan an outing...such as going out to eat...or watching a holiday parade...or attending a holiday craft fair. Have a good time...and when it's over--it's OVER! As in "Oh that was a lovely meal...thanks for coming...Merry Christmas and Good Night!".

It is SO much less stressful...especially if you can arrange something that does not leave a mess for you to clean up afterwards (either physically or emotionally). Personally, we like to take people out to breakfast. Breakfast is very casual...it does not take up the whole afternoon...and the kids absolutely LOVE it!

 

[Jena]

hi i can see part of your point. yet at the end of the day the way i see it, it's not about obligation it's about making children feel welcome and not upsetting them. there was no reason for what they did. they knew what they did and they didn't care. best is they know how i've struggled with difficult child.

it was thoughtless without a doubt, although they are not obligated to give to my children (and yes we brought everyone great gifts by the way. i picked them all out with-kids) it is the "right" thing to do and yes I do expect them to do the "right" thing quite honestly. I do the right thing by their grandchildren everytiem i'm with them, I love those grandchildren of their's and treat them as if they were my own and they know that. the kids are always hanging on me each holiday not boyfriend.

so, thanks for the different perspective yet to me they messed up. it hurt my kids and i wont' allow anyone to do that, not an option for me.... they just wanna fit in is all. best was the zero thought that went into the gifts, that's what killed me most of all.

 

[Jena]

another thought and what i kept pushing with difficult child was we are appreciative for what we get, we are not the type of ppl to complain about a gift. Ok so here i am complaining lol, yet you get the drift.

didn't really work but i thought it was a good try. i just sat there in amazement feeling like a huge idiot to be honest. i took picture's of all his sister's kids opening the gifts that we bought them, his kids opening coach bags, and oranment trees with 300 worth of gift cards on them, and than what was i to do take a picture of my kids faces when they opened their slippers?? ugh.

for example, my family ok they dont' have alot of money. so last year they bought something small for each child, all 5 of them. they hardly knew the kids at the time which didnt' matter to them, they didn't want to silght anyone.

 

[DaisyFace]

Jennifer,

I completely understand where you are coming from....

The last straw for us, was the year that in the midst of the other kid's "Barbie Dream Houses" and video games, my children were given underwear purchased from the Goodwill Thrift Store. {Can you even believe that? Picking out old underwear at Goodwill? That is putting in a pretty big effort just to be a jerk to a child!} Luckily, I had prepared my kids to receive "bad" gifts that year--and so when the boxes were opened each child was ready to give Nono and Nona a big hug and say "Thank you". When we went home we had a huge laugh about it--making jokes about the "Worst Present Ever"--and then with great ceremony we let the kids throw their "new" undies away.

We have not been to Nono and Nona's house for Christmas since...

AND, I am happy to report, that because we turned things around and set boundaries on our holiday visits...we have earned a new level of respect from these relatives. This year, each child received a special card in the mail (a card that had been purchased individually--not from a boxed set of holiday cards), with a handwritten note have a wonderful Christmas, and a check for $25. What a huge difference!

What made these two so inconsiderate of my children's feelings in the first place, I have no idea. Why they have now come around to being better grandparents...who knows? I am sure that here will never be a good explanation.

However, the story of receiving "Goodwill Underwear" for Christmas is one of the holiday stories that we will re-tell for many generations to come.

I hope that you and your boyfriend will be able to work out a Holiday visit arrangement that works out best for your family. There may well be no rational explanantion for their behavior--blended family, unmarried, problem child, no money--none of these really excuse away rudeness. And when your child sees that you are upset over the situation...it only makes her feel worse.

And at the end of the day...you want to spend the holiday with the people who love you (and these are not necessarily your relatives). Visit instead with "Honorary" Aunts, Uncles, and Grandparents--Those friends and neighbors who truly care about you and your child.

Best wishes!!

 

[Jena]

Daisy that's pretty outrageous good will underwear wow!!! thank goodness you prepared the kids for that and got a laugh out of it. that's truly turning a lemon into lemonade.

I'm not sure how this willl all work out. I think that part of it is we arent married. I'm not ready to get married though just to have my ids be recognized lol.

Yet boyfriend doesnt' view what they did for what it is, which really ticks me off. He views it like oh it wasnt' intentional!! I said are you kidding me? Your sister with whom was talking about how her 3 yr old has a coach bag (crazy to me) and meanwhile she brought nothing small for my kids to even open. They just don't care.

I just know that it also sends a message to his kids as well wtih whom we treat equally here at home. His 13 year old sat there watching my kids get slippers while she got 300 in gift cards and a coach bag. To me it creates some sort of division.

Now as i'm typing this im thinking no wonder I never wanted to marry again, blended families are nightmarish. dating is easier ugh

 

[TerryJ2]

Looking at it from both sides, we have invited "casual" friends over on holidays and have given nice, but inexpensive gifts. We always discuss how we are going to go about opening the gifts--do we open them first, then invite people over? Or open everything at once? No, too chaotic. You get the idea.
If we buy a family gift, it is clearly a family gift, like, a huge tin of popcorn that is to be shared.
You cannot share 1 pr of slippers with-two people. (At least, not unless they're Siamese twins, and then you'd still have the wrong # of slippers. )
It is never considered good form to invite "outside" people over in the midst of gift-giving. It obligates the inviter to give gifts they otherwise may not want to give. Which, in your case, was pretty obvious. I see you as an outsider here, and agree with-others, that even if you do marry your boyfriend, this may be a glimpse of things to come.

 

[susiestar]

I cannot envision a time when ANYONE would be in my home or with my side of the family during Christmas gift opening and not have a present. Usually I can even manage to pull together soemthing the person will LIKE. We have had international students my bro invited with-o telling my parents that showed up at 8 am for the day (yes, he told them the time) and my mother and I managed to get fairly nice items quickly wrapped for them. That is why we always have a storage tub with gift items bought when we had extra $ and things were on sale. So we CAN make sure no one leaves our homes on an occasion like this feeling left out or unwanted.

I could see if they didn't give Jen a gift. That sends a message, but she is an adult.

but to give a child something that CLEARLY says I don't care about you and don't want to (and that IS what they said) well, it is worse than bad manners. It would take me a while of stewing about it. But I would end up sending an apology for "crashing" their gift opening, thanking them for the slippers, and assuring them that we would not ever be at their home again.

And yes, my husband would have to literally drag me kicking and screaming through their door again. It is willfully oblivious of your SO to think that they were just not thinking. Gift cards are just too easy to get - and since they gave them to other kids, well, it wouldn't be hard to pick up one for each of your kids. And a $5 McDonalds gift card is the same size as a $500 mall gift card. So it makes the "size" MUCH less "in your face".

these gifts were "in your face" messgaes that you are not welcome in their home. I would take that message and return it.

 

[Jena]

yea i know susie, it's just insane. i'm sick of it to be honest. between last year with no gifts for them and this year this carp. it's just ridiculous and unacceptable. i have been obsessing for days over it.

he spoke to them and their response was oh we thought the slippers were cute. whatever they simply dont' care, he doesn't get it and i'm done obsessing. he said well next year i'll just be sure to subtly say oh by the way what did you get the kids? i said hmm you are not getting it there will be no next year at this point. i'm not going to put my kids thru that junk again, there's no need.

your kids meaning his would of been 100 times worse, in their response and also the fact that they wouldnt' of held their tongues they lack serious manners at times.

so that's that for now. i told him forget easter whichis the next one. i said if you chose to go than you go alone.

 

[TerryJ2]

i said hmm you are not getting it there will be no next year at this point.

There ya go!
No need to get angry. Just be matter of fact. When that day rolls around, you'll be too busy making Rice Crispie Treats and going to the movies to even notice.

 

[Jena]

LOl Terry your funny. I do get mad, I am a dramatic very animated person you have all come to see

With that being said i do get upset over stuff, and when i have to explain step by step to him what they did was wrong it's like hello are you kidding me???

See what I mean about my obsessing, lol.........kids are over it and i'm still obsessing lol.