Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[New Leaf]

I am thinking of you and your Mom, New Leaf. I hope the doctor goes well today.

I had a terrible phone call with the sister, who thusly shall be named Attilla. I will have to write on it later, got to go to work. After a fall into the bottomless pit of despair, I am all cried out.
It is good in a way. She "poked me" got me to cry, then told me to stop. Family dynamics....uck.
Called lil sis, she was supposed to go, but the d@mn airlines cancelled the flight......
aaarrrgggghhhh.
Will write later, thank you Copa. I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness.
sadmadleaf

 

[Copabanana]

sadmadleaf

This reminds me of my son and I when he was little and sulked. Are you mad? Glad? Sad? Bad?

No matter how many times, it got him to smile. I hope you do too.

Remember, New Leaf. Everybody is off the rails. Out to lunch. Try to take everything with this in mind.

Your sister copes differently than do you. Unfortunately it seems she does so by being mean to you. Do not let her. If she cannot contain herself you will have to do what you must to protect yourself.

She is a bully. How unfortunate. Can you bypass her and go through your brother?

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Before we knew what was happening, her personality changed, she was sullen, she was angry.I cannot help but think this may be my future with the hubs.

When I watched my mother die, I think it changed who I was in so many ways. The strongest part was the loss of her, and a "mother" who I had had, but wanted so much more of and from.

But I also lost my innocence about what my life is as an aging person would be. I became somebody on the way to illness and dying...instead of on to new goals and adventures as I had been before.

He will say to me "What do you want me to do, have conversations with you?" As if that was the craziest notion, for a husband to converse with his wife. Sigh.

Cedar talks about us seeking out what we need and want from a mate based upon our childhoods and their deficits. It is what we are comfortable with and we seek to work it out, to master those hurts of the past and surmount them. And then when we get this, we want more. And then we change? And it gets even harder.

At the end of the day it is our conversations with ourselves about ourselves that are the important ones. And with each other.

So, I find ways to replenish myself, and feed my soul. I will not accept that I cannot have joy, it is integral to being. I find other ways to capture it. So yes, Feeling, I am a caged bird, too.

Like Viktor Frankl, New Leaf. You choose.

And you choose to see the way your husband is able to show his love for you and accept it as half full. Nobody can do what they cannot do. We can only speak the language that we know. To have the devotion of somebody in the way that they can express it is so much more, I think, than empty chatter.

If you trust your husband, and it appears that you do, you know that what he is able to do and express, is a true thing. You have chosen to hear him, and have it be enough, and seek the rest in yourself. I think this is very mature.

After all, there are people that go seeking one mate after the next. And all they find is themselves, if they pay attention. If they do not, they seek yet one more. Until no more can be found.

It is a kind of emotional death, for me. I have to subdue that yearning for a personal, emotional relationship with my husband. It will not change. It is not all terrible, all the time. But there, just the same. I have to eek it out, by seeing his steadiness, his providing. In small ways, he shows me he loves me, this I see.

I think one can have a personal, emotional relationship with someone who is stoic, self-contained, even withholding in the way you are doing. By paying attention and interpreting what he is able to express. They say that the important thing is loving, not the receipt of it.

The loving is in us. Look how I was able to find my great love for my mother in the days before her death when she was almost a vegetable and after.

What a paradox, to have someone, but to be profoundly lonely.

New Leaf, you tell us you are profoundly lonely. Is this so? Is the loneliness for another person or in yourself? Is there a way that you can find the company you seek by your creativity? In faith? In friendship? Why have women always sought out each other? I think for similar reasons, in part.

M's Mother has a spouse who mistreats her still. They are in their late 80's. She has chosen to stay with him her whole life because of her belief in the sanctity of marriage and her devout Catholicism. I do not believe she has ever thought of leaving him.

That I am aware of she is never alone. She has her primary relationship with G-d. Of course we would want her to have more, and to be safe and to not feel afraid. What I am saying here is the deciding is in us. We can tell ourselves not "this is my lot," (something we are stuck with and foisted upon us) but this is my choice" and thereby own the strength of our commitments.

I am thinking now about your looking at your husband and deciding to try to understand his language. His particular language of love. As if you were an anthropologist entering a new tribe and trying to decipher their customs and language.

I have started to do the same with M. Instead of thinking so much of what I want and need, thinking about and studying him, like he is a fascinating and marvelous being from some other world (which both of our mates are, actually).

And I?

I will SING!

And you are, New Leaf. You are singing. Such a beautiful and lovely and meaningful song.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Cedar talks about us seeking out what we need and want from a mate based upon our childhoods and their deficits. It is what we are comfortable and we seek to work it out.

Your father was taciturn was he not? Keeping inside his strong emotions. Withdrawing after losses, and more losses, as if to protect himself.

Is it an accident that Hubs should be so similar? The working out of this, New Leaf, is in us. The opportunity to come to grips what is in us, a legacy of our childhoods.

This is not to say you do not deserve more. It is the opposite. You deserve everything. The sense that we do not, is in us.

I will practice believing that M is an esoteric and remote tribal constellation. One that possesses all of the magic that I have been seeking. But I must first understand his language and his customs, to unlock the treasure chest.

Here's hoping it goes well for your Mom today. Thinking of you, Feeling and you, New Leaf, and you Cedar, today.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Greetings.

I hope everything went well today for your mom, Leafy. I am sorry that your sister was once again rude and bullying you. Is there a way to go through your btother, as Copas adked. The last thing that you need right now is drama. You are a family at a very difficult juncture. Be very matter of fact with her.

We teach kids in school not to show that the bully is 'getting' to us, not to tolerate the bullying, and that the bully feels the need to bully because they are feeling badly about themselves.

Yes, it is very true that you can experience lonliness...When you are not alone. I am so sorry that you feel lonely. I love Copa's analogy of pretending that your husband is in a tribe and you need to discover their secret 'language'.

I tell people that the grass is not greener on the other side...is is weeds! I am in favor of trying to work out marriages. Mine both ended because they were sociopaths. This ailment was too serious to work out.

Both promised counseling...but never went. The second one was not violent, but had almost zero affective domain...when my son was rushed by ambulance, when my mother died, when I faced an uncertain future with brain surgery, and lastly when I had repeated seizures. No emotion. Left the hospital and walked out of the house. No emotion.

Copa, I found you speaking about how your mother's passing changed you. My mother's passing also drastically changed my outlook on life and mortality. You spoke of looking forward to goals...and then, after her death...looking ahead at dying. Hmmm...very telling. Is that when you took to being in bed?

Leafy, no matter what, we are here for you. You are so much kinder, intelligent, and caring of a person than your sister could ever be. She is jealous and threatened by you. You have gifts that she does not possess.

Do not 'dance the dance'. Do not get snared by her bait. Do not feel that you have to justify or correct any perceived wrong doing. Rise above it. Confidently brief and to the point about your mother. Who is the family contact person that speaks with the doctors?

I am sorry. This must be so very difficult for you to go through. My husband who was violent was Japanese American. His father was a double black belt. In his culture, men do not discuss feelings. When his dad told his mom that it was time to go, there was no discussion...she grabbed her purse.

Thank you again for your support last night.

My prayers are with you.

All of us...day by day.

 

[Copabanana]

You spoke of looking forward to goals...and then, after her death...looking ahead at dying. Hmmm...very telling. Is that when you took to being in bed?

Yes. It interests me that the worst part did not come right away. I had enrolled in an online art class which began 2 weeks after my mom's death. I crashed. The teacher wrote to me after a month with a caring note, inviting me to make up the missed work. I did. I worked night and day. I was so happy. The course was in Color. I composed these beautiful collages of pieces of colored paper, that came from my depths, of mother and child.

I sensed I would fall. I asked the teacher who was retiring if she would work with me as a private student. She said yes but meant no.

Almost I cannot remember the worst of it.

It is not just my mother's death. Except it is. To see your mother failing, how the aging process escalates so rapidly when you enter the realm of the very old. And for me in my mid-60's I see it. Hearing, vision, lungs, what more am I forgetting? Arthritis. And something more I am forgetting.

But it is mind over matter. I do not have to cede energy and health. It is a state of mind. At least for now it is.

Anyway, I am more up than in bed. I have a couple of days a week in bed, but not every day, thank you.

How was your day Feeling? And you, New Leaf, how did it go with your Mom today?

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, I am so glad that you are continuing to move forward. Yes!!! Good for you. Keep it up. Fantastic!

Leafy, how are you holding up? I kept you up so late. I did not know about today until I read your post this morning.

I was asking who the family contact person for the hospital was so that you could perhaps circumvent your rude sister. These times are hard enough for the whole family. How dare she treat you poorly.

Even though you are not physically there, your mother will directly feel your love and support. If your rude sister is the contact person, maybe you could speak to the doctor directly and say that it is difficult to reach your sister and that you are calling from Hawaii.

Have you been able to speak with your mother? Continued prayers being sent...

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, we are here for you.

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

 

[Copabanana]

New Leaf, I am beginning to worry too. Where are you?

I hope you check in.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

You have helped us so many, many times with your beautiful words, and perfect poems and songs.

Let us help you now, sister Leafy. Your warrior sisters are here for you.

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf, do you get up in the middle of the night? How many hours different from the time are you from the West Coast?

Or do you get up very, very early?

COPA

Hi Copa, I get up very very early at times. When my arthritis is bothering me, I get sore laying down, so I get up and stretch. Getting crikkity, I am, like an old house with the squeaky floors.
Oh well such is life.....
We are three hours difference.

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf, I am beginning to worry too. Where are you?

I hope you check in.

COPA

So sorry sisters, Mondays I have my clay class, I took a refreshing nap after work, and then headed off to class. I was anxious about picking up my newest pieces, one does not know exactly how the glaze will come out, it is not a perfect science.

I am quite pleased with the result.

So sorry to worry you my friends.

I am okay.
leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am sorry that Attilla upset your earlier.

Are you okay?

 

[New Leaf]

No matter how many times, it got him to smile. I hope you do too.

Yes Copa, you surely made me smile, thank you, you are very sweet.

Remember, New Leaf. Everybody is off the rails. Out to lunch. Try to take everything with this in mind.

This is true, everyone is off the rails, we all handle things differently. It is a very emotional time, this path we walk with the decline in health of our parents.

Your sister copes differently than do you. Unfortunately it seems she does so by being mean to you. Do not let her. If she cannot contain herself you will have to do what you must to protect yourself.

Oh sigh. I read one of Cedars' post and she mentioned gaslighting and I had to look it up, I was not familiar with the term, imagine that.
And there she was in all her glory, Attilla. It is like the light bulb went on.
Ahhhh, said my inner child, you were not so crazy, silly, overly sensitive, after all.

I awoke this morning to an email from Mom, lil sis was stuck, airlines cancelled her flight.
I was upset, for she would balance Attilla the broiling turmoil, with her even voice of reason.

Called Mom just as Attilla arrived, Mom put us on speaker phone.

I asked sis if she received the group text on brainstorming questions for the Dr., she immediately went to her raised tone, in your face mini tirade of how "that text was sent in the evening, and I will not read it, I cant SLEEP, I just cant sleep LEAFY! I am not going there."

I gulped, I am now 10.

I say "Um, I sent that text four days ago, this is the only way I can be present." I also point out to her that she has been complaining that sis and brother do not communicate with her....? This is how I was hoping we could get together on this one thing before this appointment.
She went on and on in her condescending tone about something, this and that, telling me to stop, pull myself together, she would ask all the right questions.....I again reiterated that this was how I could feel present, fielding these questions. She went on and on about how she did not want to fight, that she would take care of this. Mind you she was literally yelling at me, and I tried to remain calm.

I am ashamed to say that I lost my cool, and swore, not only did I swear,

I enunciated the word, it rolled slowly off my tongue, clear as day, in my madsad voice

" Do you realize I---am--- so----F--#---* --}i---n---g--far? How hard this is, being so far?

She scolded me in a softer voice "Ahhhhh, you are on speaker phone."
Mom is in the background. I totally forgot that we were on speakerphone.
OMG
"Sorry for swearing MOM" (whispering) please take me off speaker phone!"

She is now yelling at me about how she has helped me so much in the past, she has been there for me, and she would not listen to my crying anymore, to just stop it and breath. "Just breath Leafy, just breath, just calm down." She is the one yelling.

I make an exaggerated, elongated, unladylike hand gesture pointed towards her booming voice emanating from my phone,
a gesture unseen by anybody but me and G-d himself.
My teeth clench. I take a deep breath, swallowing my feelings.

"I get it, thank you for all you have done for me, please just give the phone to Mom."

I am now really, really sad, because all of this happened while my dear Mom is waiting to go to a critical Doctors appointment, where she will hear life or death news.

I am mortified. This woman should not have to be subjected to this.

"Mom I am so sorry for swearing. Attilla and I have a misunderstanding, (I am choking back giant sobs). It will be okay Mom, I love you and am thinking positively.

"It's okay dear, I understand, yes be positive."

Hanging up the phone, the floodgates open. I have not cried like this in a long, long time. I am frustrated, I am angry, and incredibly sad. I call my lil sis and vent to her. She is consoling and understanding. She tells me that she and brother have been through this on too many occasions with Attilla. I hear myself say she has been like this our whole life, that I am going through some intense reviewing to find out why I am the way I am. And now I am understanding.
Attilla has been the driving force with her tirading, in our family dynamics, from as far back as I can remember.

She is a bully. How unfortunate. Can you bypass her and go through your brother?

Brother is in a world of his own. He has not reconciled with my fathers passing. He approaches things with a kind of unnatural mirth, deadpanning odd statements to mask his feelings, such as responding to Moms call about her fungal infection with "Geez Mom, don't let them grow mushrooms in your lungs now."

I hope everything went well today for your mom, Leafy. I am sorry that your sister was once again rude and bullying you. Is there a way to go through your brother, as Copa asked. The last thing that you need right now is drama. You are a family at a very difficult juncture. Be very matter of fact with her.

Yes, Copa and Feeling, things did end up going very well. We were able to have a speaker phone in the doctors office, so I could hear much of what was said. It was not the doom and gloom of the pulmonologist, rather an attitude that if Mom was not suffering symptoms of the mix of mycobacteria and fungus festering in her lungs, it was okay to continue as is, not take medication. As Mom said, the other Doctor had her thinking she only had weeks. She left feeling much better, appreciating this doctors bedside manner and respect for her feelings. She may look for another pulmonologist. A good thing.

Leafy, no matter what, we are here for you. You are so much kinder, intelligent, and caring of a person than your sister could ever be. She is jealous and threatened by you. You have gifts that she does not possess.

Oh Feeling, thank you for your comforting words. My sister is who she is. She has many good qualities.
I do love her.

I need to strategize my approach, and my responses, so that I will not get prodded by her
towards the pit of despair, only to be admonished when I get there.

I need to build a hazmat suit for my emotions, so to speak. I have learned that at this juncture, as in many in the past, she simply cannot put herself in anyone else's shoes but her own.
I do not know why she is this way. I do not want to judge her. I feel badly about naming her Attilla. I suppose naming her so, helps me to keep a bit of a distance.
To be guarded.

It is a lesson, and also a playback for my inner child to review through my adult eyes.
I love my sister, she has many wonderful qualities. Unfortunately, empathy is not one of them.

So, with everything said and done this is my comment through song

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you've had too much
Of this life, well hang on
Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand, oh no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts sometimes

We are all hurting in this, the death of my father after years of battling illness, the subsequent diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer for Mom, just two months after Dads passing, the poor dear didn't even get to grieve her lifelong husbands death.

We are all imperfect humans. We all make mistakes and unintentionally hurt people. I do hope that if I offend folks with my actions or reactions, that they will find it in their hearts to forgive me.

It is in prayer, is it not? ...And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us....

So, I shall not call my sister Attilla, I shall find another, kinder name.

Thank you so much my warrior sister friends for being here for me.

leafy

 

[Copabanana]

She may look for another pulmonologist. A good thing.

My mother had lung disease for most of her life. In her early 60's she had non-infectious TB and she died from its' recurrence.

Now I have lung disease. I use my inhaler everyday and try to forget it. When I think of it I think to myself, you have to die of something.
It is funny to me how acclimated one can get to living with illness. The "new normal." I am feeling now that even if I were to be diagnosed with lung cancer now, I would stay relatively calm.

I first went to the pulmonologist 5 years ago because they had found a nodule on a lung. I had been told I have a 50 percent chance of lung cancer.

I became absolutely unhinged. My mother remained calm. She had nodules too. It was benign.

Now I think I would be OK. That is the change in seeing my mother die. Dying and death have been normalized for me.

At first it seems horrifying. Then it becomes something that is within ones vocabulary. Mind you, I am not volunteering, but I am accepting. At least more. I think your mother is somewhere along this path. Farther along than I, much more, but on a path that she accepts and understands.

Do not fear for her, because she does not have the same fear and dread as do you. She wants to live as long as she has, but she understands where she is going. Where we all will go with her in our time. This is now what I understand. And accept, too.

What I do not accept is that my son travels the path before do I.

My sister is who she is. She has many good qualities.
I do love her.

This is such a good thing. This will enable you to master the encounters with her.

See, her game has been to get her feelings into you. You accepted because that was the only vision of the world you knew. When you were a girl. Now you see it.

In time you will treat her like the limited person that she is.

I have been in the same place my whole life. I have accepted the weakness of others as my own. I too will find a way to change my understanding of things too, so that I no longer play my part.

I need to strategize my approach, and my responses, so that I will not get prodded by her towards the pit of despair, only to be admonished when I get there.

Yeah. What a set up. It makes me mad.

The important thing is to remember that it is not important that they understand or accept your new understanding. Only we have to understand. That understanding, I think, is everything. I see glimmers, but not the whole thing.

I feel badly about naming her Attilla. I suppose naming her so, helps me to keep a bit of a distance.

Yes. This is absolutely right, I think.

It is when I named my sister Germany and myself Argentina, that I felt some mastery. And then Cedar told me that I am Germany too. That all of the things that I had ceded, were incipiently me, too. Organization. Mastery. Accountability. Power. Etc.

In your case, voice, dominance, control, power, dignity and whatever else you have subordinated in accordance with your sister's needs and unilaterally imposed rules, she enforced from her weakness...are in you, waiting to be acknowledged and put into practice.

It is all wonderful when looked at as opportunity to reclaim parts of ourselves which we chose to suppress to survive.

I am glad it went well for you and your mother.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Well, here is my answer to that: This is a statistically derived prediction. Based upon a number of people. They are talking about a mean. Or a median. Not an individual. Nobody can say what any given individual will do or how they will respond.

This reminds me of when the stupid doctor told me that I had a 50 percent chance of having lung cancer and facing certain death because a solitary nodule on my lung was found by accident.

I was frantic. Well, the pulmonologist looked at the scan and said, I do not think this is malignant, I can tell by looking. I have been doing this for many years. But we will follow up by Pet scans now, in 6 months and annually for awhile just in case. You can go if you want to the University Teaching hospital to get a second opinion. I did. They said the same thing.

The thing is that first doctor was wrong. He should never have given me that 50 percent chance figure.

I had either a 100 percent chance of having lung cancer or zero percent. Yes it may be true that 50 percent of solitary nodules are malignant. But individual people are unitary. They cannot be 50 percent or any other percent except zero or 100. Only in large populations do those predictive numbers make any sense. And only limited sense.

I think the pulmonologist handled it well.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling and New Leaf

How was your day? I think fondly about each of you during the day, and look to see how you are doing.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Greetings.

My air in my classroom was finally fixed. We have had air only 5 days since school began in August. My students all cheered today!

I am sorry that your sister caused you to feel so frustrated over the speaker phone. She IS a bully.

I think that you chose that name because it fits. You are kind. You were abused and tormented by her your whole childhood...and adulthood, for that matter.

You chose a name that showed how scary she was to you as a child. No way to 'fight' off a battle with Attilla! You were young and innocent. You were defenseless. No one protected you from her. Yes...Attilla fits. It is your empathy, that your sister lacks, that is making you think badly of the name.

What name would she chose for you? Baby, or Whiner, or Complainer, or Wimp? You picked a name that spoke...and speaks... of your immense pain. She still draws you in just to ridicule you again.

Today, she made you so frustrated by ignoring your pleas to be included in the questions for the doctor that were going to be asked, that you audibly and slowly swore over the speaker phone. You felt horrible. She was probably gloating.

Yes...Attilla fits.

Copa, I do agree that people should get second opinions. I was told by one hospital that I could not have brain surgery. He told me that I had a great risk of losing my memory or becoming paralyzed on my right side. He told me to go home and that we're just going to "keep an eye on it". Yeah, right!

I became my own advocate and went to another hospital. A whole team looked at my films and told me that it needed to come out now. If they waited, it would grow and soon be more difficult to take out. They said that given my life span, the tumor would impact my life. They said that there were small risks, but it was on the top of my brain and easy to reach.

I had surgery in 2007. In was benign and is still gone.

Facing an uncertain future caused me to change. 'Things' do not mean as much...people do. I shared rooms with people at the hospital. Two died and one was severely brain damaged after her surgery. She did not recognize her family. That could have been me! I experienced 'survival guilt'.

Yes, Copa, I even felt guilty then. I felt like, "Why me?" I send cards to my brain surgeon thanking him and telling him that I am still a Sp. Ed. Teacher. Am I trying to rationalize? No. I just want to show him that I am still out here being productive and...terribly thankful.

I am glad that the news was not as bad as expected, Leafy. I am happy that you were able to 'be there' in the doctors office.

We are ALL beautiful, strong people. We are slowly coming into our 'powers' as confident people who possess intrinsic strength about our value, abilities, self-worth, and gifts...that no one can take away!

I am proud of us all.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, it sounds like you had at least a moderately good day. Good.

That is so scary about your operation. I would have found it very difficult like you did to watch my peers emerge from surgery damaged or not at all. You are very, very brave. It must have been terribly frightening. I mean, I do not even have the words to express how frightening it must have been. Hopefully you and I and everybody we care about does not have to face such a thing.

I wish nobody did.

I would have been terribly grateful too. I would want that surgeon to understand that I knew what a precious gift he gave me. Life. And to permit my sons to have me these years longer.

You know survivor's guilt is very common. I think that I suffer from whatever kind of guilt that exists, but this type most of all.

You never answered by about the arts or crafts or hobbies you really like or would like to learn. I know about collecting, already.

Glad you are home and hope you are resting up. How has your sleeping been, Feeling?

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Feeling and New Leaf

How was your day? I think fondly about each of you during the day, and look to see how you are doing.

COPA

Hi Copa and Feeling, good evening to you both. The trade winds have finally returned, replacing the hot humid air with cool breezes. Our cousins across the way are playing music in their garage. It drifts with the wind up through my windows.

I think fondly of you as well Copa, and am in awe at the progress you are making, and Feeling, and Cedar.
I am very fortunate to know you all, and marvel as we weave our stories and experiences together to make a fine, colorful tapestry.