Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[New Leaf]

You are going through enough. You do not need to reply...or Copa. You are both going through too much right now. I feel badly that I shared it now. I do not want to burden you right now.

Feeling, don't ever feel badly about sharing, you need to share. I fell into a deep sleep after a hard day at school, we have some new, troubling issues with children, that definitely saps my energy.
Your sharing is not a burden.
After reading your post, I had to take a step back and breath before replying. I know you are at a tough spot, a deep hurt.
I did not want to write anything to offend you, because I am upset at how upset you are.
When I am upset, I don't think enough before I write. I am...spontaneous.
So, I began to reread your posts from the beginning, when you first came to CD- July? I came to land here in September. And I thought, and thought. And then I came back here and so perfectly COM answered.

And that is to love someone and let them go to their own self-destruction.

And then, to learn how to live in the shadow of that.

I hope it helps you to know that for you, it came down to the physical safety of you and your younger son. That is a clear line in the sand. No way around it.

Yes, Feeling your safety. In all of your posts, there is a patterning, a bargaining back and forth between your intense love for your son, his condition, your need to know that he is safe, the real threat to your own safety, and your younger sons safety and the resulting TRO.
The sleepless nights when your young son went away.
Then there was the electricity incident, where you were terrified, Feeling.
Your struggles with your childhood memories and your P.ost and P.resent TSD.
The memories, as you lay there in your bed, hearing your sister speak with the voices of harming you. How terrifying to live with this.
Who helped you as a little child Feeling?
What could you do?
Is it this, that keeps you going round and round and round with your sons condition?
Do you feel that you need to live with the burden of this, in the forefront of your mind?
That you are somehow responsible? Is that feeling somehow a part of your past?

How cruel life can be, that you grew up with this.
That your son, so brilliant and charming should eventually fall victim to schizophrenia.
Forgive me Feeling, but you write this over and over again,
your son who held the broken bottle to your throat.
That is blaring, undeniably, utterly, unacceptable to me Feeling.
That your very life is threatened,
and you continue to teeter-totter between that
and somehow feeling responsible, worrying, grieving for your adult sons condition, his choices.

It is as if he still holds the jagged bottle to your throat.

This is not living Feeling.

But here is what IS the same: what you and I have to do to keep on living.

Yes, Feeling, somehow you have to keep on living. Living for YOU. You are worth so much more than this constant grief and worry.

You have to get all kinds of support around you. Marshal the "troops" as it were. I hope you are getting any therapy and medical help (like antidepressants if that is helpful), plus NAMI, Al-Anon, other group therapy, trusted friends, rest, meditation, coffee or lunch with friends, taking naps (getting extra rest is #1 during these times), crying if you need to, writing in a journal, reading books that are helpful (Pema Chodron, Brene Brown). This is a toolbox. Assemble the tools that work for you, and schedule time into every day to use them.

Yes Feeling, rally the troops. Not the troops in your child memories of "coping" living in the shadow of fear for your own life as a child with your sisters illness.
What did your mother do to save you?
What patterns are ingrained in you now, to continue on this road of bargaining for your own sanity, value, safety in the searing, blinding light of your ill sons condition?
Teeter-tottering, between the horrible realization that your son is a danger to you and the security of your home, and your intense desire to know that he is alright?
To ensure he is alright?
How can you possibly do this?
Who am I to question this?
My D c's as far as I know, were in their right mind, as far as I know, did not have a mental illness.
Is there a difference in detachment, between addiction and mental illness?
Do we bear more responsibility, because our adult children "cannot help themselves"? Does not addiction, now called a disability, mean that I must continue, as their mother, to help, to have a bank account for them, to pay for their car registration, to do something to stay connected, to constantly, over and over again, worry and fret over what they are doing?
Am I a bad person, because I have completely detached myself, not even wanting to pick up the phone to call them?
Do I need to go over and over in my mind the endless degrading, mortifying possibilities of their choices and lifestyles?

Oh my goodness Feeling, if I did that I would certainly go mad.

Lastly, my well-planned therapist decided to be very frank about my son's prognosis on my recent visit. She said, as you know, with each 'episode' schizophrenics just plateau. They continue to slowly get worse...even with help. Your sister was that way...

Why now? I feel like I am crumbling. I think that she was trying to make me feel less guilty. That the slow decline is inevitable, with or without my help.

She might as well take my "Hope" stone back that she had given me.

Yes, I knew that. I was a psychiatric major, a Special Education. Teacher, and have 3 schizophrenic people in my family.

But, I wish that she would have told me the positive things...like before. That I had "helped" him.

This made me think about when I went to my counselor and she called me an "enabler" it reverberated in my brain. The word spun around in circles with the Twilight Zone music in the background.

My child mind said silently "and YOU are a "labeler".

I did not want to hear that, Feeling, I was so NOT ready to hear that. I could not wrap my mind around the concept that all of my good intentions, my help, enabled my D c's to continue their addictive behaviors. I was too smart to be that!

But you know what Feeling?

It was the cold, hard, dammit truth.
It was not the counselor,
it is not your therapist,
it is that "no $#!t Sherlock, slap us in the face truth."

And the truth is, you should't feel guilty, Feeling!

And the truth is, your son, has a g-d awful, unfair, primordial silent scream of a mother, whhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyy, condition that no one ever on this planet should face with their child.

Does that mean that you have to keep constant vigil?
I do not think so Feeling.
He is an adult.
You have written heart felt replies to suffering mothers out there, to the same tune.
You comforted me, in my decision, not to call my D c, due to the potentiality of the hurt to me.
But, Feeling what of you?
You are not that child, laying in the bed, with absolutely no control over your actions, your reactions.
You have no control over your sons illness.
You have no responsibility for it. You say it is from your genes, who can control our gene pool?
You have fond memories of rearing him, a golden child.
He is 35 Feeling.
My oldest is 36.
I have had to let her go, for my own sanity.
With that, I have had to push any thoughts of her to the far reaches of my mind, my heart.
She is on the streets, Feeling.
My last sight of her,
she was a shadow of herself.
Deep in the throes of crystal meth.
My father in law died from it, Feeling.
She is a woman.
Out there.
Drifting. Depressed. Possibly suicidal.

I cannot/will not go round and round and round with that.
It is her choice.
It is her mind on the drug choice.
She does not want to help herself.
She has become mentally unstable due to this drug.
I cannot help her Feeling.
G-d help her.

I received a summons from superior court to pay $1,200, or $50 with corrections, or $590 if insurance is purchased after. If he did not do these things, he would have to appear in court, or pay a fine, lose his license, and have his ticket go to warrant.

I went to pay. It was that he had no sticker or proof of insurance. There is NO WAY to stop this from happening over, and over, and over again. No way...

How, Feeling, how are you supposed to be able to live your life on your teachers salary, and continue to pay for this?
What if, G-d forbid, he got into an accident? Forgive me if I am misreading this, you are the registered owner and insurer? If something happens, you are responsible?
You do this, so he has a car, can sleep in the car?
If he didn't have the car, maybe he would have to go to a shelter?
If I am wrong with this, please forgive me.
I just cant imagine my own two with a car and insurance under my name, the risk of it. They would not care what would happen to me, the one monetarily responsible. If they got tickets, got into an accident, hit someone, they would not give a hoot, if my insurance tripled, etc., etc.
The risk Feeling!

We have to let go and turn it over to our Higher Power, whether that is God, the Universe or a doorknob (as they say in AA---believe in something, even if it's the doorknob). We will take it back, and then we have to turn it over again, 1000 times a day if that is what it takes, until it starts sticking.

G-d help my daughters and my three grandchildren, I have had to let go and let G-d and have faith in the letting go, and push it all, the what if's, the misery, the pain of not knowing. I have had to push this all away and give it over to G-d in order to live my life. If I do this, and have faith, why would I constantly worry?
Will not G-d look after them?

We did not want this, we did not cause this, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it. I don't know why this type of thing happens in the world, why addiction and mental illness occur, and I have laid awake at night pondering this and all kinds of things.

So very, very true.

But we have to in the end save ourselves. That is counter-cultural and counter-mother.

Yes Feeling, we have to save ourselves. Let go.
You do not have to continue to be the girl in the white gloves, screaming inside of your head anymore. Trying to eek out a normal life, while everything is utterly chaotic, crazy and falling apart at home.

You are the captain of your ship, and your son is the captain of his.
No matter what you do, say, provide, wish, there is no denying that.

It is the cold, hard, dammit truth.
It is not the counselor,
it is not your therapist,
it is that "no $#!t Sherlock, slap us in the face truth.

I know you know this, I have seen you write it to others, you have comforted me with it.
Feeling, you have got to live your life. You deserve peace. You deserve yes, JOY.

You deserve HA-the breath of life.

We are here for you, and we so understand the pain and fear and grief of this. We care. Warm hugs this morning.

After all that venting, and concerns for possible offending, but I had to write it, because I care.... warm, tender, loving, kind, hugs.

A tear for you and I, our D cs and a prayer for us all for peace.

Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Please forgive me Feeling if in anything I wrote offended you. I stayed up to the wee hours, going over and over and over, before pressing post reply, then I did.
I am deeply concerned for you dear friend.
I should love to see you at peace, and safe.
Heartfelt Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you so much Leafy. I am so very thankful that you stayed up helping me, even while you are going through your own very difficult times. Rest assured...you have never said anything to offend me. You offer me ways to see things that are healthier for myself.

COM, I have read and reread your post as well. Thank you very much for your loving words.

At school today, I read both of your posts during recess and lunch. Then, I would dry my tears and pick up my students on the playground. I had 2 meetings after school and then faced current and past students and their parents at the Harvest Carnival.

I feel like a zombie, very appropriate for Haloween. I am just profoundly sad and tired.

I truly appreciate your words of support. I am just too down right now to write much.

I feel badly because my son never made bad choices or caused this condition in any way.

Yes, we were in danger and he was not getting better at home.

But, he is still afraid and is continually plaqued by cruel voices, except when he sleeps. Also, even if he did need me down the line, we cannot have contact with each other...even if he is hospitalized or is in prison. The restraining order is for 5 years. He is afraid of phones.

How can I even try to enjoy life when I KNOW that he is suffering and it is not his fault in any way? He does not have choices...He is psychotic, fears people, and is out there alone. He has anosognosia. I fear his voices will tell him to kill himself. I know that they tear him down all day...every day. I heard him arguing with them. Also, schizophrenics are often abused by others. My schizophrenic sister was kidnapped by a pimp years ago.

These are all realistic and very valid fears.

I do not even know if the term 'difficult child' fits him. It implies a choice. He is not being 'difficult'. He is delusional and not in touch with reality. Yes, his behavior was 'difficult' to handle...but it was not his fault. He lacks insight.

I feel that I will never see him again before I die.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am so sorry, Leafy. I know that you are going through worries of your daughter out there, on meth, possibly homeless... Yes, life IS cruel at times!

Yes, a huge part of my way I deal with things comes from my past. It makes me feel helpless. That is why I tolerate too much...for way too long. I am also used to being the victim and silently suffering.

I am not saying that I would ever, ever allow him back here again. I just miss him so much. I need to know that he is okay. What is 'okay' for him...safe, not scared, eating, not drinking, or not hurting himself. If I had any knowledge, I would be better. I guess, I have some with his new debit card.

I do not have his car insurance in my name and the small joint account was recently opened because of the way a small amount of estate taxes had to be handled. It was not by choice. I wanted and needed to have leverage to try to get him to seek treatment.

I know that I did not have a choice. He had to leave. It is just the way in which the system requires it to be accomplished...police, restraining order, court, judge...5 years.

I feel that I have no right to a decent life while he is out there afraid, with his ever-accompanying voices and delusions as his only companions. Honestly, I know that worrying accomplishes nothing. I am finding it extremely difficult. Between the complex ptsd and the perseverating...I am falling apart.

I will keep trying to get better.

Strange, I remembered earlier today the matching costumes my friend and I wore in 7th grade for Haloween. You know, before you reached that age when you never wanted to dress the same as your friend.

We were matching, exactly, in very cute home-made hobo costumes replete with patches on our overalls, torn shirts, a red knapsack, and smudged faces. Quite the look for Sherman Oaks!

Back then hobo or tramp...then transients...now homeless.

I am remembering that cute, fun costume in a whole new light...now that my son is homeless.

I will close with...I can hear the distant HOWLS and yips of restless coyotes in the moonlit hills. Perfect, unless they are eating someone's pet...

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you so much Leafy. I am so very thankful that you stayed up helping me, even while you are going through your own very difficult times. Rest assured...you have never said anything to offend me. You offer me ways to see things that are healthier for myself.

Feeling, you are an incredible amazing human being.

I feel like a zombie, very appropriate for Halloween. I am just profoundly sad and tired.

I truly appreciate your words of support. I am just too down right now to write much.

You are grieving Feeling, grieving for your son. I understand. This is your process, completely your own process.

But, he is still afraid and is continually plaqued by cruel voices, except when he sleeps. Also, even if he did need me down the line, we cannot have contact with each other...even if he is hospitalized or is in prison. The restraining order is for 5 years. He is afraid of phones.

How can I even try to enjoy life when I KNOW that he is suffering and it is not his fault in any way? He does not have choices...He is psychotic, fears people, and is out there alone. He has anosognosia. I fear his voices will tell him to kill himself. I know that they tear him down all day...every day. I heard him arguing with them. Also, schizophrenics are often abused by others. My schizophrenic sister was kidnapped by a pimp years ago.

Yes Feeling, he is out there and it is unexplainably unfair what is happening to him, and to you in having to deal with this, again.
I do not have the right words for you. I am sorry my dear friend. I have deep sorrow for your circumstances, and your circumstances differ from my own.
I am wrestling with the concept of you not being able to enjoy your life.
Probably, along the lines of your "nice" therapist sharing that slap in the face truth.
Because the cold, hard facts about your sons condition will not change.
How does a mother grasp that?
It is an incredibly tough situation.
You will find your way through this Feeling.
I believe in your own time, you will find your way.
It is unacceptable to me, that you must go down with the ship.
In that, I write to you, in hopes that you find a way. As an incredible amazing human being.
You find a way.

I do not even know if the term 'difficult child' fits him. It implies a choice. He is not being 'difficult'. He is delusional and not in touch with reality. Yes, his behavior was 'difficult' to handle...but it was not his fault. He lacks insight.

Yes, Feeling it is not his fault.
He is not choosing to be difficult.
Our circumstances are so different
and yet
so similar.

Thank you Feeling, for not being upset with my strong words for you.
Thank you for knowing that I am reaching out to you with care and love.

I am here, maybe with not all the right things to say
but I am here, just the same.
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I am so sorry, Leafy. I know that you are going through worries of your daughter out there, on meth, possibly homeless... Yes, life IS cruel at times!

Yes Feeling, life is cruel. I am dealing with those worries, by giving them to G-d. I have given my two back to G-d. It is too much for me to handle. I do not want to be all consumed by worries, fraught with fear, so much that my own life is swallowed up. I simply cannot allow that to happen. I suppose the fact that I have my young son, forces me to step out of my grief, to help him make a life for himself.
In that, I see that I have to live my own life.
Even through the death of my father, the illness of my mother, I have to live my own life.
In that, I have to find ways to make my life meaningful, to have joy.
Life is just too darn short for me to live in misery.
We are not meant to live in misery.
I feel we are meant to master it. We can visit it, it is necessary to heal.
But I do not want to live there.
It is too painful.

Yes, a huge part of my way I deal with things comes from my past. It makes me feel helpless. That is why I tolerate too much...for way too long. I am also used to being the victim and silently suffering.

The past a lesson, the present a gift, the future unknown. That is my new mantra.

I am not saying that I would ever, ever allow him back here again. I just miss him so much. I need to know that he is okay. What is 'okay' for him...safe, not scared, eating, not drinking, or not hurting himself. If I had any knowledge, I would be better. I guess, I have some with his new debit card.

I am glad you would keep yourself safe, Feeling. I am glad you can express your fears and concerns here, and you have managed to find some consolation through the use of his debit card, very clever Feeling!

I do not have his car insurance in my name and the small joint account was recently opened because of the way a small amount of estate taxes had to be handled. It was not by choice. I wanted and needed to have leverage to try to get him to seek treatment.

I am glad the insurance is not in your name Feeling, what of the registration? IS there not some way to protect yourself there?
I understand your trying to leverage for treatment, your feeling of responsibility. The challenge is, he has to want that for himself.

I feel that I have no right to a decent life while he is out there afraid, with his ever-accompanying voices and delusions as his only companions. Honestly, I know that worrying accomplishes nothing. I am finding it extremely difficult. Between the complex ptsd and the perseverating...I am falling apart.

Falling together. Sometimes we fall apart, to be able to put the puzzle back together, and see the whole picture differently.

Strange, I remembered earlier today the matching costumes my friend and I wore in 7th grade for Halloween. You know, before you reached that age when you never wanted to dress the same as your friend.

We were matching, exactly, in very cute home-made hobo costumes replete with patches on our overalls, torn shirts, a red knapsack, and smudged faces. Quite the look for Sherman Oaks!

Back then hobo or tramp...then transients...now homeless.I am remembering that cute, fun costume in a whole new light...now that my son is homeless.

The parallelisms in life are such a mystery aren't they Feeling?
I used to have a recurring dream as a child of circles, circles upon circles, begetting circles, then one big circle eating all of the circles up. Patterns, I think the circles were patterns and the big circle was me.

My Dad later in life, volunteered as a ski instructor.
My kids asked him, "Grandpa, the hill is so steep, how do we go down that hill?"
He replied, "You don't go down it, you go across it."

I have used that imagery in my life many times, when something seems insurmountable.

I shall not go down the mountain, I shall find my way across it.

Good day to you my fellow warrior Feeling.

May G-d strengthen and refresh you.

May you find your way across the mountain.

Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Feeling are you there? I hope and pray that you are okay.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Yes, I am here, my good friend...fellow warrior.

Long day. I loved your line about if the mountain is too steep to go down...to go across. That fits perfectly in life. Baby steps, don't bite off more than you can chew, slowly but surely, just put one step in front of the other..

Your dad must have been a wonderful skier.

I have a quick story. You know how you want to be super cool and a sophisticated woman of the world in middle school? Well, I wanted so very badly the type of stretchy stirrups ski pants. To go with them...I wanted the plexiglass skis and sleek new boots.

Yes, I would be very sophisticated and cool indeed. Well...just in my dreams.

I lived in a very affluent neighborhood. I lived at the very top of the hill in Sherman Oaks right below Mulholland with a beautiful view. Yes, my friends and the neighbors were rich, but we were raised more middle class.

I had chores on Saturday and I was not given an allowance. I earned 10 cents for the dishes, 15 cents for dusting, 15 cents for vacuuming, and a whopping...wait for it...50 cents to wash a car!!! I earned a penny a minute watering and 2 cents a minute weeding. Needless to say, I favored watering.

That brings me to my story. When I was dressed in my 'ski attire' I looked like I was from the pilgrim colony. I had wooden skis and very large square toed leather boots, think of Popeye's girlfriend, Olive Oyl, here. Now, you might think that I was finished. Nooooo. My mother had sewed me wool very large checkered pants of black and Kelly green. Yes, please, just shoot me now...

Okay, I felt a little better because we were not going to a regular ski resort. We were going to go up the tram near Palm Springs to the top of the mountain. So, I am in the gondola enjoying the breathtaking view. I momentarily forget my hideous nightmare of an ensemble.

When we get to the top, someone in the family thought that it would be great to get the three girls...my brother was saved because of lack of space...riding on the toboggan or sled. My mind has obviously tried to erase the sheet horror of it all.

My father, a top security aeronautical engineer and a pilot, plans our course....The course that I do not want to go on. His plan was for us to go down a not too steep hill and then, as it gradually goes up at the base, we would then slow down and stop. Yes, it was all engineered perfectly.

I remember saying, "No, thank you" and trying to walk away, my gigantic clumsy feet obvously slowing me down. I really do not remember who pushed me down to sit on the sled. A very audible rip could be heard. My oh so attractive pilgrim plaid pants had ripped all the way up the backside. With a very sudden push...we were off! Whoosh!!!

For a brief moment, I thought, well now, this IS sort of fun. Then we hit a rock and were thrown unexpectedly off course! We went careening down a very steep hill and landed at the bottom. My two older sisters had bailed or safely rolled off. No such luck for me! I went straight into a frigid stream.

Now I was sopping wet in stinky wool large checkered pilgrim pants ripped all the way up my backside with gigantic pilgrim square toed leather boots with bright orange laces. Yes, I just recalled the bright orange laces. As if the large square toes were not enough to grab one's attention! How could it be worse, you ask?

What would be the worst nightmare for a shy middle school girl? Yes, that's right! I ran into a boy I knew at school. I was mortified. I do not know if it is my Swedish, English, Scottish, Irish, or German decent, but I blush like there is no tomorrow. I could feel steam rising off my face...

I could not run off, he would see my rip in my pants and again...large pilgrim boots. There was no way off the mountain, but down the tram with my parents. I think I just sheepishly mumbled, "Hi", while looking down at my gigantic feet. I waited for him to pass me. Smart, eh? No sight of my ripped pilgrim pants for him!

So, my dear friend Leafy, I am already plaqued by complex ptsd. I do not want to relive this incredibly traumatic day...

I will be wearing utterly stylish ski attire as I gracefully, yes gracefully, go ACROSS, not DOWN, the deep 'slope' of life!

Howl...or rather...Whoosh!

 

[New Leaf]

Oh my goodness Feeling, such a story.

You must have been freezing, all wet with your checkered pilgrim pants, a horrible rip and of course to make matters worse, run into a boy from school.

Middle school is such a difficult age and time of life. Everything is so intensified, so embarrassing. It is as if, hormonally charged, big footed, clumsy and goofy, we are under a magnifying glass in our minds. Like all eyes on us, the minute something goes wrong.

Then to think, we are thrown back into a reverse puberty in our older years, gray hair, wrinkles and hot flashes, left to peer in our mirrors wondering again, who is that looking back at us?

Life...

Yes, Feeling, across the mountain we go.

Whoooooooooosh
Howl
Towanda
HA
Roar

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, how are you doing? How is your weekend going? I miss you.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Not very well. It is becoming more and more difficult to hold onto hope.

I received a fixit ticket for my ill son because his registration sticker is not on his car. I renewed both his insurance and his registration, both in his name, 2 months ago. I did not want the ticket to go to warrant, have him lose his licence, or have him go to court with a $1,200 fine, if he did not show. He cannot receive mail in his car.

I went to the courthouse and showed the proof and paid $50. There is no way for me to stop it from happening over and over and over again.

Last month, I paid a parking ticket for beach parking during the day.

He has a debit card now so I can see where his purchases are. That is a positive note. He has purchased many small amounts at gas stations. At first, I worried that he was driving up the coast. That really scared me because I did not want him to leave the state. But, I found out that he is still local.

Then I was sad because that meant that he is eating and possibly drinking at night from visits to gas stations. He is afraid of people and goes there because it is more empty late at night. He used to love to cook gourmet food. Now, it is gas station hot dogs.

My nice therapist told me that after each episode, schizophrenic people just plateau. They never truly regain lost functions. When someone is on medications and in therapy, there may be less episodes. It is best if it is caught and treated early.

But, my son has had many, many episodes and has never had treatment. She said that he will plateau and just continue to get worse over time...like my sister. Like my sister...

She gave me a'Hope' stone a few weeks ago. Why???

She took away any shred of hope that I had...that I had helped him...that he was now without the triggers or target, i.e. 'me'...that he wasn't getting better at home..that he might go in on his own for help.

Now, I must face that he is so far gone, that he will never get better. In fact, he will just get worse. She said do what makes me feel the best concerning putting money in the account.

It will not make a difference for him. He will continue to decline until he is brought in.

I cannot even talk to him or see him in jail or a hospital because of the restraining order.

Others talk about what they will say, if they will call them, or if they will let them move back.

I have no choices. I just have the debit card history. If it stops for a long time then that would mean that he was brought into a hospital, arrested, or dead.

I would give anything to be able to talk to him. Just to hear his voice. It has only been 4 months of the FIVE year term.

I feel myself shutting down. I cannot let go and detach. He had no choice in getting ill. He could not help his behavior. It is not his fault. He is not actively choosing not to seek help. He had anosognosia and does not feel that he is sick. His behavior is 'difficult', but he is not choosing to be difficult. He is psychotic.

I cannot abandon him. It does not feel right to try to forget about him and enjoy my life. It is wrong. Would someone ditch grandma with alzthiemers at the curb? I would be the most inhumane person around.

It is not his fault. Yes, he cannot ever move back. Yes, I did the right thing. But, I cannot just forget about him.

I find it very difficult to write about your husbands or SO's. I have been divorced twice. I am alone and profoundly lonely.

Most of my trauma came from my first husband. Yes, my childhood trauma and helplessness set the stage for me to put up with 12 years of violent abuse. I learned to be a victim. I met him when I was learning about different mental health issues in college. I felt like he was not loved enough. My ex makes your partners look like Boy Scouts. He was a Japanese American Vietnam War vet. He would threaten to slit my throat, flick ashes in my hair, spit in my face, kick me with steel-toed shoes, say that he was going to hire a hit man, and clean his guns and tell me that he was going to "blow me away" and then burn the house down. He would stalk me and harass me. The police would do nothing. I went to battered women support group for 2 years. I shoved most of it down so far that I don't remember the worst of it.

Schizophrenia is caused by a predisposition to it in your genes, but stress or trauma can trigger it. That is why I feel so guilty. Yes, he was never physically abused by his father, but he was emotionally abused before I divorced his father.

I cannot blame myself, truly, for staying with him. I was drawn to him like a moth to the flame. When you are faced with something in your childhood that you cannot fix, you find something similar in your adult life to 'fix'. I was going to help him. I should have run for the hills...but it felt familiar.

Yes, past trauma in my childhood drew me to him and prevented me from leaving. But, I DO blame myself.

The other component is marijuana use. I did not know that he was smoking this. Use of marijuana can trigger schizophrenia as well. I found it in is room after he ran off 9 years ago to live in his car up in Washington.

I got pregnant before I was married. My mother made me feel that my only choice was to marry him. He wanted me to get an abortion. I told him that he did not have to see or support his child. He checked himself into a mental health hospital for a few weeks due to the stress. We got married 2 weeks before my son was born.

My ex used to say that he "was not lucky enough for me to miscarry", called the baby in utero a "bastard", shoved me hard back onto the bed, and threw a punch...purposely just missing me. Abuse suffered by a mother while she is carrying a baby has shown to increase the risk of the baby developing schizophrenia later in life.

I think that I am losing my faith. Yes, I believe in G-d. My whole life, I have prayed. I still pray every day. I am just tired and so very sad. I do not feel comfortable enough to 'let go and let G-d'.

I do not feel that I deserve to enjoy life, while I know my son is suffering, afraid, and IT IS NOT HIS FAULT. He had no choices.

Whether I deserve to enjoy life or not is not the point. I am not able to stop thinking about his plight. It seems very cruel to even entertain this notion. I am not purposely trying to avoid joy, I am just so very sad and hopeless. I am present and strong for my other two sons, but there is a profound emptiness in my heart that will never go away.

I cannot take antidepressants because I had simple partial seizures due to my brain surgery. I stay awake and lose complete feeling on my right side for 5 to 10 minutes. Very, very scary. Antidepressants would lower my seizure threshold and cause me to have more seizures. Simple partials can turn into complete seizures and I would lose consciousness. If I had one of these, I could no longer teach.

When my ill son was violent, I would often have a breakthrough seizure and lose feeling due to stress. When I wake up screaming and the night the electricity went out...I lost feeling.

Funny, my name Feeling is ironic. I lose feeling and have feelings... of sadness.

I fear that I will never see him again before I die. That thought is unbearable. I was afraid to file the restraining order because of this. But, I needed to keep my youngest son... and myself safe. He did not meet the criteria for an involuntary commitment.

I am sorry. I am trying. This site has helped immensely. I am able to work and 'carry on' by venting and receiving support. Thank you.

 

[Copabanana]

She took away any shred of hope that I had

Nobody can take away your hope. Nor should they.

My nice therapist told me that after each episode, schizophrenic people just plateau. They never truly regain lost functions.

I am not familiar with the latest research but a minute ago I googled Schizophrenia and the first thing that came up was an article in the APA entitled something like: New Hope for Schizophrenia.

I am sorry to burst your bubble about your psychologist but they are merely mortal. I have known many. They do not know. Really.

This is the same thing that that Psychiatrist wanted to do with me, get me to face reality about how limited my son is. Well guess what? My psychoanalyst (I started when I was 28 or so, became the head honcho of his institute, esteemed far and wide. And he was found out to be having an affair with a patient. He was kicked out as a medical doctor. He was kicked out as the head of the institute. And this very same psychiatrist I was talking to the past year? Was his colleague. And never guessed. Now he says the guy was an impostor. Where did he get that description? Me.

These guys sit on their high thrones and talk down to us and that is what the scam is: So that they can sit on their thrones.

Now, I must face that he is so far gone, that he will never get better. In fact, he will just get worse.

You do not have to accept one thing based upon anything this psychologist said. Do you need me to say it again? Not one thing.

You are the expert on your son. You and your other sons. Nobody else.

It will not make a difference for him. He will continue to decline until he is brought in.

Nobody knows. It is a mystery.

Certainly it would be one thousand times better if he was treated. But there is not one reason to write this whole story before it is written.


Feeling, you know how there used to be investigators that made interventions with young people when they were in cults? And brought them out? I guess they could do that if the young person was under age. Legally, are there any options for somebody to go speak to your son, and to try to help him?

It cannot be your other sons, because it might be dangerous.

I do not want you to have to live with this not knowing.

I find it very difficult to write about your husbands or SO's. I have been divorced twice. I am alone and profoundly lonely.

Well, what are you going to do about it, Feeling? You have isolated yourself for years and years by necessity. What are you going to do now?

You have a choice here. Just as I do.

You have so much to offer and there are so many people who would want to be with you. As a friend and more. It is time to be with other people. To share.

Too much hiding out. I gets to be a habit. Ask me.

I know we do not have such a great track record about keeping our commitments, but....think about it.


COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, they will not allow here to put in a whole article, but here is the beginning. I see this is from the year 2000. I will look for something more.



Home//Monitor on Psychology//February 2000 Monitor on Psychology//

COVER STORY

New hope for people with schizophrenia
A growing number of psychologists say recovery is possible with psychosocial rehabilitation.

By PATRICK A. McGUIRE

Monitor Staff

February 2000, Vol 31, No. 2

Print version: page 24

Early last year, when Ronald F. Levant, EdD, sought out colleagues to support an APA miniconvention on serious mental illness, he told a group of fellow psychologists how recovery from a major disorder such as schizophrenia was not only possible, it was happening regularly.

"Recovery from schizophrenia?" a colleague snorted. "Have you lost your mind, too?"

Levant, APA's recording secretary and dean of the Center for Psychological Studies at Nova Southeastern University, was eventually able to rally support for the miniconvention, held last year in Boston. But he still cringes at the sound of that laugh.

"I know psychologists who think that way about schizophrenia," he says. "I don't think they're up to speed. They don't know the literature. They haven't talked to consumers. Frankly, they are using models that are out of date."

 

[Copabanana]

And here is this article from 2014 on WEBMD. I am really getting mad at this therapist.

Schizophrenia Outlook: A Time for Hope

This is a time of hope for people with schizophrenia. New antipsychotic drugs are currently under investigation, and brain research is progressing towards understanding the molecular and neuronal underpinnings of the illness. Currently, schizophrenia cannot be cured but the outlook for people suffering from this illness is constantly improving. If you or a loved one has schizophrenia, here are a few predictors that may determine your long-term outcome:

 

[Copabanana]

Now I know you are going to tell me that your son has all of the risk factors and for that he does not face a good prognosis. He went too long without treatment, etcetera.

Well, here is my answer to that: This is a statistically derived prediction. Based upon a number of people. They are talking about a mean. Or a median. Not an individual. Nobody can say what any given individual will do or how they will respond. We are individuals, not numbers. A person is not a median or a mean.

And if the research that they are doing is biomolecular and genetic, who is to say what will happen? These are new frontiers. Nobody knows.

Your son contained himself for a long, long time. To me that speaks to considerable strength. I know he is not "himself." But in some sense he still is. I believe that. Maybe it is because I want hope.

But what is wrong with hope?

Our situations are very much the same, on one level. Both of our sons are battling diseases that can and may well take them from us. And we have no control at all.

Do you want me to live day to day fearing the very worst outcome?

Of course, you do not. Nor should I.

Nor should you.

You are perfectly suited to become an activist, Feeling. Why not? You do not have to sit idle fearing the worst. You do not have to throw yourself on the funeral pyre for an outcome that has not happened and may not.

The hardest thing is that you do not know.

Again I say, that psychologist was wrong. She gave you hope and she is taking it away. That is a power trip and a manipulation. I am sorry to say this, but that is how I feel.

The knowing is in you. In nobody else, Feeling.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Copa, from the bottom of my heart. You are a true friend. I will truly try to hold onto some hope.

I am fortunate to have my warrior sisters.

 

[Copabanana]

This is from Schizophrenia.com


This is a time of hope for people with schizophrenia and their families. Research is gradually leading to new and safer medications and unraveling the complex causes of the disease. Scientists are using many approaches from the study of molecular genetics to the study of populations to learn about schizophrenia. Methods of imaging the brain’s structure and function hold the promise of new insights into the disorder.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, I am going to tell it to you straight: You have got to be on your own side. Take your side. Not somebody else's. Fight for yourself. You can learn to do it.

Don't let somebody take away your hope.

I am really getting mad here.

Nobody knows anything for sure. Really. Nobody knows what is going to happen. Anything can happen. Even a good thing.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Funny, my name Feeling is ironic. I lose feeling and have feelings... of sadness.

Feeling, oh Feeling. How I pray for you to somehow find comfort.

I fear that I will never see him again before I die. That thought is unbearable. I was afraid to file the restraining order because of this. But, I needed to keep my youngest son... and myself safe. He did not meet the criteria for an involuntary commitment.

I am sorry. I am trying. This site has helped immensely. I am able to work and 'carry on' by venting and receiving support. Thank you.

It is alright dear sister, it is okay to feel overwhelmed with sadness. If I were there I would hold you in my arms and weep with you dear sister. You need to get this out, it is so much sadness.
Where else will you be able to?
You are not alone, Feeling, we are here.

I found this piece for you, for as much as you grieve, I grieve for you, little bird.
In searching for sad songs, I came across this.

Not for you to stay in such a sorrowful state, but to let the music go with your expressing of it.
For everyone feels and grieves in their own way, own time.

This music is from a composer named Gorecki....

Gorecki seems to have tapped in to a deep need of people in this most secular and uncertain times, a need for meaning, for spiritual comfort, for security.
http://www.good-music-guide.com/reviews/058_gorecki_sorrowful_songs.htm

These are the translations to the 1,2,3rd movements. I said a prayer Feeling, and this is what I found.


1. Lento - sostenuto tranquillo ma cantabile

My son, chosen and loved,
Let your mother share your wounds
And since, my dear son,
I have always kept you in my heart,
And loyally served you,
Speak to your mother,
make her happy ,
Though, my cherished hope,
you are now leaving me.

2. Lento e largo - tranquillissimo

No, Mother, do not weep,
Most chaste Queen of Heaven
Help me always.
Hail Mary.

3. Lento - cantabile semplicez

Where has he gone,
My dearest son?
Killed by the harsh enemy, perhaps,
In the rebellion.
You bad people,
In the name of the Holy God,
Tell me why you killed
My dear son.

Will I have his protection,
Even if I weep
My old eyes away,
Or if my bitter tears
Were to make another River Oder,
They would not bring back
My son to life.

He lies in the grave
I know not where
Though I ask people
Everywhere
Perhaps the poor boy
Lies in a rough trench
Instead of lying, as he might,
In a warm bed.

Sing for him,
Little song-birds of God,
For his mother
Cannot find him.
And God's little flowers,
May you bloom all around
So that my son
May sleep happily.


My heart goes out to you little bird sister. It is okay to feel as you do, let it out.

leafy

 

[Copabanana]

This is from NIH. Research is being done into gene therapies that will repair the responsible gene in schizophrenic people, restoring it to normal. They specifically address the potential for adults who have been ill a long time. This is not around the corner. It will take time.

But in 15 minutes I found readily available articles that speak of emergent, groundbreaking research in psycho-social, biomolecular and genetic research that is changing everything about the understanding and treatment of the disease.

How does this mean there is no hope? Please tell me that.


NIH-funded Study Raises Hope for Recovery of Some Adult Patients, Despite Early Damage

May 22, 2013 • Press Release

Lin Mei, M.D., Ph.D., Dong-Min Yin, Ph.D., Yong-Jun Chen, Ph.D.

Source: Medical College of Georgia

Scientists have reversed behavioral and brain abnormalities in adult mice that resemble some features of schizophrenia by restoring normal expression to a suspect gene that is over-expressed in humans with the illness. Targeting expression of the gene Neuregulin1, which makes a protein important for brain development, may hold promise for treating at least some patients with the brain disorder, say researchers funded by the National Institutes of Health.

Like patients with schizophrenia, adult mice biogenetically-engineered to have higher Neuregulin 1 levels showed reduced activity of the brain messenger chemicals glutamate and GABA. The mice also showed behaviors related to aspects of the human illness. For example, they interacted less with other animals and faltered on thinking tasks.

“The deficits reversed when we normalized Neuregulin 1 expression in animals that had been symptomatic, suggesting that damage which occurred during development is recoverable in adulthood,” explained Lin Mei, M.D., Ph.D., of the Medical College of Georgia at Georgia Regents University, a grantee of NIH’s National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH).

Mei, Dong-Min Yin, Ph.D., Yong-Jun Chen, Ph.D., and colleagues report on their findings May 22, 2013, in the journal Neuron.

“While mouse models can’t really do full justice to a complex brain disorder that impairs our most uniquely human characteristics, this study demonstrates the potential of dissecting the workings of intermediate components of disorders in animals to discover underlying mechanisms and new treatment targets,” said NIMH Director Thomas R. Insel, M.D. “Hopeful news about how an illness process that originates early in development might be reversible in adulthood illustrates the promise of such translational research.”