Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Weary Mother]

Hi, Copa. I am sorry. I have been down, over-whelmed, and still not sleeping. I am still profoundly sad about my ill son being gone, and yet, very afraid in my house at night.

I finished the papers for my 2 classes that I was taking. I have 2 more classes that start this month and then I will be at the top salary. It is so very difficult to articulate in a professional manner to write coherent papers and work full time while having 4 or 5 hours of sleep each night.

I can't sleep. I analyze...perseverate...and worry. My mind won't shut off. I know that I did the only thing that I could, given the situation, but I continue to evaluate, adnauseum, how I possibly could have done things differently before the last incident. My therapist has to remind me that my life was at risk for a very long time. I always forget that part of the equation.

I still have a strong startle reflex in place, and yet, l constantly ache for my ill son. This was also my first Christmas without my brother. I am very lonely.

My middle son ended up coming down twice during the holidays. On a whim, he offered to meet me thIs last 3 day weekend midway in Morrow Bay. I can actually say that it was a lovely, low stress visit. We only had one argument, in which he apologized for profusely right afterwards.

I am surmising that he did okay on his finals. He does not volunteer any information...about school or whether he started medications.

I think that on this trip, he actually realized that I am getting older. Yes, we are all getting older, but my point is that he actually realized this point. I didn't want to go down very steep wet steps, in the dark, while wearing platforms. He urged me and instead of being , as usual, very critical, he was very kind. He told me that he understood that my shoes were not ideal.

It was good, and yet it saddened me, that he was kinder because he now realizes my mortality or upcoming loss of past abilities. I was happy that he was nicer, but sad that I am 'coming of age', of sorts...

On the way back, just half an hour from home, I was traveling the back way down a country road in the dark. The car in front of me turned left. I continued on my way. But, he must have thought that it was a driveway, when, I guess that it wasn't. I did not notice, but he was left perpendicular to oncoming cars from the other direction. He quickly swerved back into my lane. If I hadn't slammed on my brakes, with everything in my car flying forward, he would have hit my door or I would have t-bone him. It was a very close call and it shook me up. I continued on my way, but it was sad to come home to an empty house, with no one to share my harrowing ordeal with.

Copa, hug your son. Even with difficulties, you have a physical presence with both the 'good' and the 'bad'. You are blessed. You also have M., who truly loves you.

Time to 'sleep'... Thank you, Copa, for being there for me. I think of you often.

_______________________
Feeling: I have read some of your posts and am so sorry to see the turmoil in your life. As Copa has said here most of us deal with addictions or other milder forms of mental problems, not the serious schizophrenia. My dad had that and was diagnosed in the military. But I do relate to your sleeplessness and the inability to let go and sleep and focus on other things. I have a son in jail and a daughter living with major depression and not able to hold a job. I lay awake some nights worrying about what will happen to both of them. The kind and loving people here encourage me to do for myself and take care of me, but still I do worry. It goes help to know that others have strength to share and I listen and am comforted by the helpful words here. I just wanted to tell you that I feel for you and hope that it gets better.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Weary Mother, for your kind words.

Yes, we all deal with worry and some level if guilt. We have to figure out some way to carry on with our daily life. It is a deep psychic wound that won't heal. I ache more now than a year and a half ago when it happened.

But, we are all strong and will find our way, somehow...

 

[Feeling Sad]

Weary, you should remove your real name. I hope that you have a peaceful day. Take care.

 

[Weary Mother]

Weary, you should remove your real name. I hope that you have a peaceful day. Take care.

where is my real name? I dont see it or know that I entered it, help?

 

[Weary Mother]

Weary, you should remove your real name. I hope that you have a peaceful day. Take care.

actually I do see a name on this but that is not my name it is my sign on id...wonder how that got there?

 

[Weary Mother]

actually I do see a name on this but that is not my name it is my sign on id...wonder how that got there?

I think I need help on this name thing. Can someone tell me how to find the info on how to change stuff in here?

 

[RN0441]

I think it's fixed. I don't see your name anymore.

 

[Weary Mother]

I think it's fixed. I don't see your name anymore.

I had to change my name, I dont know either how my name and avatar said 2 things. Jodiehooks is not my name, it is my sign on, and weary mother was my heading or so i thought. I hope it is fixed...thanks.

 

[RN0441]

I think on avatar we have a name and then a quote we can add which is what i did.

 

[Weary Mother]

how do you add a quote on the avatar?

 

[Copabanana]

I can actually say that it was a lovely, low stress visit.

How great! I am pleased for both of you.

it saddened me, that he was kinder because he now realizes my mortality

I am in your club too. My son stopped by the Brasilian Jiu Jitsu studio in our town--I had been a couple of months before, asking about the training for him (he used to be involved in this) and a little bit, for me. My son told me the guy remembered me. My son described me to him: do you remember the elderly woman that came by?

But I feel all the time the physical limitations, and mental ones too. But I try to consider the alternative.

Feeling. There are things that each of us could do for ourselves. We have to confront the reality if we choose not to. Congratulations about your progress with the classes. I will be glad for you when you finish.

Thank you for keeping in touch with me, Feeling. Even a few words to say Hi, I appreciate.

 

[Copabanana]

Can someone tell me how to find the info on how to change stuff in here?

Weary. In the future if you need help on stuff like that you can either post the question as a thread, or contact the site administrator, Runaway Bunny through a private message in Inbox which you will find to the upper right just left of alerts. Choose new message,

 

[Weary Mother]

Weary. In the future if you need help on stuff like that you can either post the question as a thread, or contact the site administrator, Runaway Bunny through a private message in Inbox which you will find to the upper right just left of alerts. Choose new message,

ok thanks, and I did not know that was showing or that it was a problem. My name is not jodie at all. just a moniker I use.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Sorry, Weary. I am used to seeing just one name, so I thought that Jodie was your actual name. Sorry for the confusion.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I don't know how to heal from the grief of my schizophrenic son being homeless and not knowing if I will ever see him again. Yes, I made the only choice that I could make to keep us all safe.

I have been dealing with the profound grief that my son had schizophrenia for 10 years. Now, I grieve that he is out there alone with a serious mental illness and I cannot help him or be privy to how he is doing.

I have been told that I should never see my son again due to safety reasons...even if he could ever be found. If he was ever found...then what? Nothing would result from this event except that he would run away farther and continue to be in hiding. He could not be forced into treatment...and then there is the 3 1/2 years more of the restraining order.

What I am trying to say is that the only way that I could ever see him again is if he was in treatment and was better. Even then, I could only see him in a hospital or at the police station. I could never see him as a 'regular' mother in any other setting. Schizophrenic people often go off medications with dangerous consequences.

I have no closure. I have a gaping wound that I am truly surprised that others can't 'see'...

Yes, I can carry on and perform reasonably well, but I do not feel that I will ever feel truly happy or reasonably 'normal' again. If I had been killed, though, I would not be feeling anything, so I should be grateful that my youngest son and I are safe. I should also be grateful that my schizophrenic son did not hurt us and thus feel badly, or was not hurt by the police.

But, I do not have closure. There are no ups or downs. It just is...and it is wearing me down. I used to feel and look young for my age. Now, I feel old and tired. I have lost my hope somewhere along the way. I used to always have my Pollyanna hope, ill-fitting or inappropriate as it might be.

Now, sadly, I don't even have that. My faith has been challenged and does not give me comfort like it always has. I am bereft and empty.

Yes, I know that he is alive by the activity of the small joint account. Yes, I am extremely grateful for this information. Some people do not have this. But, I truly ache for him. I cannot assuage this profound pain. I can busy myself by helping others, but it is always present. I always have that ache in my heart and feel like crying, and yet, I never can...

I am truly trying to be strong. It is just becoming much more difficult. I am so sorry that any of us are feeling this pain.

 

[Copabanana]

I do not anymore believe in hope.

These things I feel too: and fat too. Defeated, tired; physically and mentally old. I think that things happen to people in the course of their lives that change them irretrievably. And that there is no going back.

I think back even 8 years: I was carefree. I was ready to go back to Rio and spend the rest of my life dancing. Thin and active, I used to love to look at myself in the mirror. I even bought a bikini. Needless to say, it is not being used much. So what can we do?

Well, in my case I began to speak to a spiritual director every week that she is available. She is a Rabbi. It has made an enormous difference. I speak about my pain. I start there, rather than suppressing it. And I find myself there. I have learned ways to STOP the stories inside me that give me the most pain. I do not know yet how to change the stories, or if it is possible but stopping helps. I realize I would wind myself into panic attacks, through what I was thinking.

It is just becoming much more difficult.

Feeling. Things just keep getting harder. That is a reality. Your youngest, moving out. Your middle son, having troubles. Your fear and isolation.

For things to get easier, there has to be a change. You will not be able to change the circumstances, but you can go deeper into you, like I did with myself. And I found a place where there is peace.

I don't know how to heal from the grief of my schizophrenic son being homeless and not knowing if I will ever see him again.

I do not think there is healing from this. How could there be? I know women who gave up children for adoption, or had abortions that never heal. But they find a way to live. And they find themselves. The meaning of their lives. Or they can.

Forgive me for this: On some level you are beating your head against the wall, railing against fate--still fighting the horrible reality that came to be your life. The rabbi asked me: can you imagine not fighting anymore? This was in reference to my son. Fighting with him. For him. Against him. I think the same may be true with you.

If you have lost your faith, or cannot find it--look for it. G-d is there. He is searching for you. Look for G-d. Why not call a Spiritual Director. I found the Rabbi on the internet. I did not know her and I have never met her. (But I did kind of find out about her through searching google; her colleagues, her interests.) She lives maybe 3 hours from me. But I also called a lady in Philadelphia, too.

Sometimes I define what I am doing as getting ready to die. But I also believe I am learning to live. In a different way.

I care about you so much, Feeling. I wish I knew more to say. I will have to leave it with this.

Your friend.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, you always find the words to help. Yes, there is no way to heal from this 'wound'. I should not view it that way. I cannot fix it or fight against it. It just is... I can hate it. I can rage against it. But, it remains. It just is.

I read once about a well-known man who was a public speaker, who passed away in his 40s. I forget his name.

But, his wife went to counseling to help with her grief. She mentioned something that her therapist told her to do, and I have found it helpful. When she finds herself thinking something negative or hurtful, she just tells herself, "Not helpful".

It helps you not to get caught up in a cycle of negativity or useless worry.

Copa, I agree with you. Our difficult experiences have changed us. How could it be otherwise? I just need to accept it for what it is and be grateful that I know that he is alive.

Take care,
'Feeling'

 

[Weary Mother]

Copa, you always find the words to help. Yes, there is no way to heal from this 'wound'. I should not view it that way. I cannot fix it or fight against it. It just is... I can hate it. I can rage against it. But, it remains. It just is.

I read once about a well-known man who was a public speaker, who passed away in his 40s. I forget his name.

But, his wife went to counseling to help with her grief. She mentioned something that her therapist told her to do, and I have found it helpful. When she finds herself thinking something negative or hurtful, she just tells herself, "Not helpful".

It helps you not to get caught up in a cycle of negativity or useless worry.

Copa, I agree with you. Our difficult experiences have changed us. How could it be otherwise? I just need to accept it for what it is and be grateful that I know that he is alive.

Take care,
'Feeling'

______________________________
Copa and Feeling: Both of you have expressed feelings that have bothered me also. My son being in prison and having a terrible addiction is not a mental illness like feeling sad's son has or others on here, but his life style has caused a lot of the same emotions. Letting go of him and his lost life is hard. During his drug use I have had to refuse him coming to my house from fear of his drug associates coming to my house and doing something violent to me or my home in retaliation to him. His father once drove him to another town to put him on a bus for Florida so that the drug dealers would not get him and harm him. My son has never been dangerous to me physically, but mentally it has been very hard and the hope of having a "normal" relationship with him over the years has gone. In fact when he gets out of prison late this year and begins his new life, it will be another chapter for me. I am trying to have the "hope" that we all have lost, that he will manage at the minimum to be able to survive and not go back to drugs. My "fear" is that he won't be able to and again I will watch him die slowly. He has lost all his teeth except 6 on top and a few on bottom, has become blind in one eye and was attacked in prison, damaging his other eye. All this is heartbreaking for me to see. I found a picture of him the other day that was taken on his 18th birthday. I cried. He was such a beautiful young man, and now he looks older than I do. But on the other hand, I realize that I too have to live. I have lived on anti depressants and sleeping pills and anxiety medications for a long time until a couple of years ago when I got off all of them. I have spent years in therapy with a good therapist who despite all her help, I could not avoid the pain of the reality of his life. Today I still cry at times and fear at times over the future and agonize over the past. Sometimes I just well up and cry, then I am ok for a while. But since being on this forum I do realize that we only have so much time on earth and can only do so much for others. Even though I can't change my son or daughter or fix them, as long as I live I will BE a mother to them. Nothing can change that. And yes they will have to handle the problems of their lives but I can extend kindness to them when it is appropriate, and no I won't live forever so they need the skills to do for them selfs, but I still can BE a mother to them. That is a separation that I have made between fixing and being. I can't fix them, but I can be something to them, a mother. And that includes times when I have to do as Feeling Sad is doing, keeping herself safe. I was advised by a therapist to protect myself BUT that letting him know that I love him is ok, and talking to him is ok, but exposing myself to his lifestyle and the danger he brings may not be ok. While he was on drugs that was a hard line to draw, much like any other mother would find. Feeling Sad, I am so sorry for your son's illness and do know and understand how hard that must be for you. I can relate so much to you and to Copa and many others here. Some days just reading your posts which I find very helpful, knowing that you all bare your souls here to each other, and that we all understand the pain and suffering of having difficult adult children, help me get through a day, a week or sometimes just a minute. But thankfully we do have each other!! Stay safe.

 

[Copabanana]

I just need to accept it for what it is and be grateful that I know that he is alive.

Both of you have expressed feelings that have bothered me also.

Feeling and Weary. I will get back to you a little later. The Rabbi told me about something called "sweetening" which addresses just this thing. Where the reality is impossible to bear. I will get back to you to try to explain it.

 

[wisernow]

I cry reading all of these posts. There is so much pain in all of our hearts for things we really have no control over. The only control is how we react. I , like Copa , have undergone a spiritual journey which involved going to a number of retreats, therapy, reading etc. I found that I finally had to give into my grief, and recognize it for what it was. I read so much and still do. One of my favourite books is Broken Open which talks about what happens when you are "broken open". It helped me a lot. I also meditate daily, and try to envision the positive . And I also still cry a lot, but also laugh a lot. And I am blessed daily that I have found this forum, along with all of you who are courageous enough to tell your stories. Thank you all!