Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Weary Mother]

I cry reading all of these posts. There is so much pain in all of our hearts for things we really have no control over. The only control is how we react. I , like Copa , have undergone a spiritual journey which involved going to a number of retreats, therapy, reading etc. I found that I finally had to give into my grief, and recognize it for what it was. I read so much and still do. One of my favourite books is Broken Open which talks about what happens when you are "broken open". It helped me a lot. I also meditate daily, and try to envision the positive . And I also still cry a lot, but also laugh a lot. And I am blessed daily that I have found this forum, along with all of you who are courageous enough to tell your stories. Thank you all!

Wiser, thanks for sharing. I am motivated by reading your post. I enjoy yoga, reading and used to meditate too. All that went out the window when my childrens lives blew up and I lived in too much anxiety to do those things. I am now trying to put them back into my life a little at a time. I will look for that book and see if the library has it.

 

[wisernow]

Please do. I share much with you including your grief. My son was diagnosed as schizophrenic 2 years ago after 8 years of spiraling out of control and not diagnosed. Add to that drug issues, violence issues, and having him removed from our home. Thankfully he is currently treatment compliant and living in a group home but it took having him criminally charged with assault, convicted and placed on probation for the messaging to finally get to him that he needs to be treated, and he needs to stay off the drugs. He is 28 and is on three years of probation. I hope he keeps with the plan, but the roller coaster continues and I wait for the other shoe to drop. I have had to do a lot of work on myself over the past few years to basically keep breathing. Interestingly when I was finally able to give in to the grief, accept the fact that life was not how I had planned, I started to change. I take very good care of myself now. Will the relationship with him ever be the same? No. But then when I think about it, after he became an adolescent the relationship was not really that good anyhow. All I can hope is that we do small building blocks on his time and my time.

Your son may one day realize he needs to be treated , may well become stable and open to having a relationship. Right now you are fighting a demon (the mental illness) which you have absolutely no control over. Please be kind to yourself . Through the worst times of my grief my therapist said to me"allow yourself 10 minutes to cry, rage, relive pain etc and then force yourself to move on". At first it was hard, but through a lot of discipline I can do that. and there are actually days I don't cry or rage anymore. Hugs Hugs Hugs!

 

[Weary Mother]

Wiser: You are right about fighting a demon. Actually my son in prison is in a drug rehab (his second time for both prison and drug rehab). This time he has been attending chapel every day and is at least on the surface making better efforts. I see him very little as the visiting is only on weekends and so I write weekly to him and try to be honest and encourage him to do better. I am not very hopeful because as we all know meth addiction is very hard to overcome. But I do try to hope, even at times when I am in despair over this. Thanks for your hugs, I sooo appreciate that!!

 

[Feeling Sad]

Wiser, your son is schizophrenic and had to be removed from your house because of violence? Did you just tell him to leave, evict him, or get a restraining order? How long was it until you saw him? Did the court force treatment or did your son have some insight into his illness? How long has he been that he has been in treatment? Was your son violent due to scjizophrenia, drugs, or both?

I hope that my son gets help. Often, with little or no insight, the court has to force treatment and continued compliance with AOT.

 

[Copabanana]

the court has to force treatment and continued compliance with AOT.

This happens all of the time, Feeling. This is why you did the right thing. In your home your son had no chance. I know you know this. Out he is interacting with all kinds of people who can evaluate him, hospitalize and force treatment. My son has been hospitalized many times and they medicate him invariably against his will. My son is very verbal and has some competencies. He is able to talk himself off of the order. Your son despite his brilliance would have a harder time.

Wiser. Hello. Your story is breathtaking in its hopefulness.

 

[wisernow]

Thank you Copa. I do have hope but also trust in a larger universe than I to help us find our direction albeit a lonely path at times.

Feeling Sad. Our son started to spiral in early adolescence. Not sure if it was the drug use, or the beginnings of schizophrenia. We had him in therapy from age 14 on. He began having violent outbursts in the home and in fact struck both myself and his father. We have a younger daughter we too needed to protect. So after about the 5th police altercation we decided to move him out and thankfully some relatives took him in for about 8 months. Was he violent due to drugs or the mental illness? I don't know but I suspect the drugs drove that more than the mental illness. During that time we got him on social assistance and he lived in welfare housing basically on the premise he continued therapy and school. He was 16. We were still involved in his life but just could not live with him. At 19 he returned home for a short time, got his GED and then a scholarship to attend university.(he is very bright)....but the problems began again and the demon came back. He was arrested for assault shortly after he graduated. We finally were able to get someone to hospitalize him for 90 days because up until then we had no firm diagnosis. The mental health care system in Canada is awful. That is when we got the diagnosis finally of schizophrenia. I was not surprised. Anyhow he was convicted, is on three years probation, has to be compliant . He is in a group home right now an attending college for a trade as he is stable right now. He and I are slowly rebuilding our relationship.(his father and I divorced). He and his sister spend part of the holidays with us and it was bitter sweet...we were playing board games as we used to do on holidays and I saw a glimpse of who he had been from time to time as a sweet young boy. But the reality kicks in soon enough and I know I can never let my guard down . But that doesn't mean we cant build something different or perhaps more poignant given all we have been through together. That is my wish for you....that you keep hope, care for yourself. Hugs to you. It is a hard journey we walk.

 

[Copabanana]

But that doesn't mean we cant build something different or perhaps more poignant given all we have been through together.

This is the kernel of beauty and divinity's light that we are offered, each of us; through our experience which on the face of it, and seemingly to its core tortuous and heartbreaking. Our children know our love. Know they are loved. Are contained by it. I do not believe they ever doubt. They know in life they can fall back and be supported.

No matter what the indignities or travails. No matter how angry they become or violent, their world has been contained by the kind of support, consistency and accountability that is you, Wiser, and you, Feeling.

I am learning that there exists for me the same container, if I only open my eyes to it, and feel it there supporting me. To me this knowing is radical.

The way I understand what you write, Wiser, in your mention of the poignancy that becomes possible between us, mother and children, is the possibility of living through and from this space of undefinable and unlimited love and potential.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Yes, I partially agree with the hope of having a relationship, albeit tenuous and foreign...with brief glimpses of their past selves.

But, schizophrenia often robs a person of their touch with reality and you become someone new to them....a spy for the CIA, demon-possessed; someone to not trust, hurt, or kill...

I hate to be negative, but this is the nature of the disease. Yes, at times, on some level, my son knows that I love him, and, in turn, he loves me. That is why he argued with the command hallucinations by his voices to kill me.

A 'normal' son would never even contemplate the idea. Certainly, he would not go several rounds arguing and interjecting, "Uh huh, I understand..."

He probably knows that I am putting small amounts of money into our joint account for him to live off of. Yes, on a basic level, it is comforting to think that he knows that I 'forgave' him and that I love him and wish him well.

But, there is a major flaw in that thinking. Which is stronger at the moment: his love for me or his persecutory delusions?

Am I paying him off to keep him away?

Am I paying him because I stole what he thinks is 'his' house?

Am I part of an insidious spy plot?

Am I possessed by demons?

One gets tripped up when you apply reality and common sense to a situation that possesses neither, or at best, a meager transitory amount.

Yes, Wiser and Copa, I yearn for a glimpse. Not of his past self, but rather, a glimpse in the truest sense. I ache to see my son's face. If, I could also have a glimpse of his past self at that time...even better.

When he still lived with me, it was so very painful to see his old self...funny, articulate, and incredibly bright.

Yes, Wiser, it was when he was beating us at the game of Boggle. I wish that I had played with him more often. In retrospect, which is all I have these days, he probably felt good while he played. He had a brief respite from his voices.

But, at other times, it was the worst type of heartbreak having this brief view of my 'normal' son.

I had to watch him try to rally against his disease. I feel that a large amount of the destruction of property was because he was horribly frustrated and petrified of his new torturous existence. He was mad at the world about slowly losing his mind, losing himself, losing his reality. He struggled valiantly against the tide, in vain.

These views of his past self were bittersweet, yet agonizing to watch. But, I am being terribly selfish here.

Imagine how horrible it was...it is... to exist in a continual nightmare where one can never be at ease and must always scan for imminent danger from all sides like a hunted animal...

I am trying to hang onto hope. But, I also need to see the true 'reality' of the course of this disease.

I would much rather go back to being a Pollyanna...

Maybe, I need to live somewhere in the middle....with a tempered hope.

 

[BusynMember]

Try living in the now. The moment.

Right now he is alive. He is somewhat functioning and has money because you make sure of it. I think it's a good idea in the case of your son since he isn't willfully choosing his behavior...he is very ill. Too sick and confused about reality to get help. Right now though he is here.

I think you are doing the very best you can in a very difficult situation. You love him. At least in more lucid moments, he knows.

I know your son is not a drug addict, but I got some advice that i think helps all people in difficult situations when I went to Al Anon.

One day at a time, one minute at a time, one moment at a time. Don't dwell in the past or scare yourself thinking about the future. Live in the now. The past is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a present.

Hugs and love.

 

[wisernow]

Feeling sad.....I know how much pain you are going through. The disease is awful but can with proper treatment be held at bay. What is unfortunate is your son is not being treated for it hence all of the delusions and conspiracies. That is the disease talking, not your son. Your son loves you but until he gets treatment he will be battling the demons. And unfortunately you cant force treatment. In Canada there was a gifted professor who suffered from schizophrenia. He continued to deny treatment even after he was forcibly hospitalized because that was his "right"....despite the fact he had a loving family and colleagues who so wanted him to get better but who had no control. And that is the hard bitter part of all of this....we stand at bay watching them suffer, and cant throw out the lifeline because they often swim away. As mothers that is absolutely gut wrenching! I am thinking of you today Feeling Sad...and trying to send some light your way! Please be good to yourself right now and know in your heart you have done everything you could. Hugs hugs hugs!

 

[Copabanana]

The disease is awful but can with proper treatment be held at bay.

Yes.

This is what you are holding in your heart, Feeling. I know it is not much, but it is something. But not enough. I know that.

 

[RN0441]

Feeling Sad

I loved your post. I think you are so wise and insightful and doing the very very best you can.

I really applaud how you are handling this and I cannot imagine the pain that it has caused your family.

You are so strong.

 

[Weary Mother]

How hard all this is. The advise is simple, take care of you, do for your self. And it helps to do those things. But once in a while I remember the joy of being able to feel love for my son, my daughter, or others with out guarding myself. Now I can feel love but not the way it used to be. Sad, good luck I think of you and hope for your peace inside your soul to kick in.

 

[Copabanana]

FEELING!!! Where are you?

I begin to feel anxious about something....and I realize after time goes by that it is because I have not heard from you.

Please check in from time to time. Like at least once a week. Please.

How are you?

 

[Copabanana]

But, there is a major flaw in that thinking. Which is stronger at the moment: his love for me or his persecutory delusions?

When I first read this, I understood it from your point of view. In terms of safety. In the sense that even your missing him can betray you, because he could well be a danger to you. And then like a hologram (or what do you call those pictures, figure ground, I think) I thought of him. How it must be for him to fear you. How lonely for him. Haunting. There is no peace for either of you, Feeling. I am sorry.

My son is coming around. For the past almost 18 months, little by little, he has been changing. And recently, even more so. He is still tortured, depressed, but he is able to be loving. We can enjoy each others company. We can almost be honest. I feel like he is a friend, and then I go too far and he tells me to not talk about personal stuff, like work, and how I felt with the prisoners. We have been working together in my house and taking walks together. When he is not here I miss him. I am grateful beyond words.

He went again to a residential treatment center, and sadly after 2 years it was determined that the insurance would not cover it. He loved this program. Felt the groups were entirely beneficial. He loved being busy all day and productive, but does not seem to know how to implement this by himself in his regular life. It saddens me he could not stay. I have offered to self-pay for his return but he rejects the help. It would be very expensive but I would do it.

I feel that a large amount of the destruction of property was because he was horribly frustrated and petrified of his new torturous existence.

In retrospect I think this was true for my son too. I do not believe my son is schizophrenic but I have feared he may be psychotic and just as quickly banish the thought. But my son is tortured and this as you know is a horrible thing to bear with your child. Sometimes I fear that I distanced myself from my son because I could not bear his pain. And this thought I banish even more quickly from my mind.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am sorry that it has been so very long.

I am still working hard at teaching and taking my last 2 classes to be at top salary. I am also applying for teaching seminars over the summer where my flight, lodging, and food would be covered.

I am forcing myself. I want to fall apart, but I need to continue. I need to support myself and, I feel, if I had more time on my hands I would perseverance constantly and fall deeper into the depths of despair and guilt.

I have been capped out of therapy, just when I am trying to over-come my chronic ptsd. I no longer keep lights on all over the house. I just keep on the hallway light and the bathroom light. I still have a strong startle reflex when I hear a thud...creak...bang...you name it.

I miss my brother horribly. I miss everyone. Each night I am alone. I hate it, but I am trying to adjust. I am just so very weary...to the bone weary. I am tired due to lack of sleep, but even in the rare occasion that I have enough sleep, I am still profoundly sad and emotionally tired.

My son is still only an hour away. He rotates from town to town, so he must still be homeless. I think of him when it is cold or it rains. I do not know how long his old car will hold out. He still spends very little. He is probably even thinner than he was.

My best friend lost her son to leukemia at age 10, after he fought bravely for 4 years. She is still on antidepressants to cope. I cannot take them due to my brain surgery and prior simple partial seizures, where you stay awake. I would have transitory loss of feeling. Funny...'feeling' is in my name.

Anyway, my friend says that it never goes away. You just have to carry on. My friend also has a 2 year old darling granddaughter who will need a liver transplant. She said that she never imagined she would be back at a hospital for a child fighting for their life.

When I find myself thinking of deprs see in scenarios, I just tell myself, "Not helpful".

Copa, I am so very happy for you. You have grown stronger and by being consistent, you are seeing improvements in your son. It is very good news!

Copa, my newest trend are peasant tops...very hippie retro.

I hope that this post finds people who garner respite from the hard trials that we face daily. Take care.

 

[ksm]

Feeling Sad, glad you posted. Have you ever thought of getting a room mate? Is that a possibility? Maybe an older college student? Or someone going thru a divorce? Or a job transfer? I was just thinking maybe if there was another healthy adult, things might be easier for you at home.

Hope things go better for you... Ksm

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling

I am also applying for teaching seminars over the summer where my flight, lodging, and food would be covered.

Good.

I think I mentioned to you about that Folk School in North Carolina, (John C Campbell, I think it is called) I think it is, where they teach hundreds of arts and crafts, music, dancing. You eat there, stay there, kind of like Asilomar in Pacific Grove, except crafts/fun oriented. Have you ever gone to Asilomar?I have wanted to go because I am interested in textile arts like spinning, weaving, etc.

even in the rare occasion that I have enough sleep, I am still profoundly sad and emotionally tired.

I am like that too, Feeling. I am thinking as your friend does. It is not so much that you soldier on, but you do audacious and wonderful things for yourself, as you soldier on. And you act kind of "as if" you are happy and carefree....and this heals. Even if we cannot see it, feel it.

She is still on antidepressants to cope.

How long ago did her child die, Feeling? I can only imagine how it is to go to the hospital for her grandchild. My experience is that antidepressants did not help me for real life events such as mourning. For me this is a state of mind that cannot be medicated away. It must be lived. Like your friend says.

my friend says that it never goes away. You just have to carry on.

Yes. This week I began to think about the past 3.5 years, in a different way, since my mother died, and I fell apart, or more aptly, into bed, seeking only oblivion.

For a while now I have seen my mind/body/emotional/soul/spirit as recovering itself during this interval. I visualize it as kind of a weaving together, rebuilding, fusing process--in the same way that when you flesh is gouged out your body rebuilds it. I see myself with a broken heart that is mending itself. This way I have been thinking for awhile about what is happening to me.

You know, I was going to contrast this with an even newer way I have come to think about what is happening with me, soul-wise, but I forgot it while I was writing the introduction. When I remember I will post. It was related to our journey through which we suffer, and why. Oh well.

my newest trend are peasant tops...very hippie retro.

Where are you buying them, Feeling? I love those...how long do they hit on the hip? What do you wear them with. I love peasant tops so much that I used to buy them in the wrong size, at thrift stores. I mean, too small. Why would I do that? But I would love to know where you are having success at finding them. (I do not live near enough to a big city to go to a good store, so I need online.)

I cannot see how you maxed out on therapy benefits. Do benefits not renew every year? I know people who have had tremendous experiences at clinics with sliding scales. Where you live should have a Jewish Family Services, nearby (I am guessing where you live.) They always have qualified and experienced people and they will treat anybody of any faith. I would specifically ask about somebody who focuses on PTSD. Also I am guessing you have medical schools nearby. They will may have clinics where students get their hours, or be able to refer you to well-regarding clinics where their students practice.

Some time back I posted about somatic-based therapies for trauma, and how they are proving to be extremely effective for people like us. There are psychologists who have this focus but there are also masters' level therapists, who charge way less. These therapists can be Dance and Movement Therapists but not necessarily. If you want I can help you find somebody (of course I will not know them or know of them, but I can look at their bios, etc.) if you send me a PM of the geographical area that you are willing to travel to. I found somebody in Santa Monica when I thought that I might be traveling there on a regular basis.

I have told you that I speak to a Rabbi every week for spiritual direction. She was first a dance and movement therapist, a specialist in trauma. I am thinking about asking her if I can become a client--and seek out somebody else for spiritual direction. I am paying her $90 a session. The last psychiatrist I spoke with charged $250 an hour and that was 3 years ago. She is 100x a better therapist, 200x more helpful, and we are not even doing therapy. There are options.

Feeling. Please remember to tell me where you are getting the peasant tops! I want your best source!

 

[Feeling Sad]

I have been having a very difficult time. I am tired and down. Pulling weeds and writing papers this weekend...fun. Thank you all for your kind words of cheer. I think that the longer I go without seeing my ill son, the harder it becomes. I am just sad and depleted of hope.

 

[Copabanana]

I have been having a very difficult time.

I am too. For other kinds of reasons. My son and I are doing well. He has been here in my house for most but not all nights and the other house is an escape valve, for when there is conflict which I usually provoke, because I do not feel he is following through.

His aggressiveness with us, has stopped. He is trying to be a moderating influence ON US, believing himself to be more conscious and rational with better self control. He's right.

Feeling. We can make our own hope. We can learn to produce it in ourselves. I know this is possible. I was bereft today but I feel better writing to you.

Would you like to someday go to the John C Carroll Folk School in North Carolina, in the mountains somewhere? They have hundreds of courses a year in all kinds of folk arts, like textile arts, and blacksmithing and the arts and photography, journaling I think, bird watching, clay, music, etcetera. All kinds of things. You stay there and lodging and food are included I think. Look at their online catalog. If we could synchronize the time we could try to meet in Atlanta which is where the van picks you up.

I think this life you are in requires defiance more than coping. You are not one bit a quitter Feeling. Now it's time to gun your motor.

We have talked about trying to find your son, and I do remember that we were stymied, because you thought at that time, I think, that to find him would not give you (or he) anything, unless he was willing to go to treatment.

The thing is, he might have gone to treatment. He might be receiving treatment. He might have been in a facility.

Would there be repercussions to you if you did find him and tried to make contact? I am not saying bring him home. But to reach out to him and to talk. Is there any possibility of this? I know there is the likelihood that his delusions would get the best of him. And I realize that there could be danger to you. But could there be a way, or is this out of the question, completely?

Would you be in violation of the restraining order if you sought contact? Could there be repercussions to you?

I know he lacks insight but he is very, very smart and his survival instinct is extremely keen. He is fighting for something, Feeling. He is not just operating from fear and delusion. He is sustaining himself for a reason. I would find that to be a source of hope, I think.

My son often recounts his history. Sometimes it is far, far back--nice memories and sometimes it is over the last 4 years when he was in and out of my home, usually thrown out, and on or near the streets. So he says, March, 2 years ago we had trouble and I had to leave and I was in Laurie's house until I had to leave there. And then blah, blah, blah he continues. (You see, I find this theme kind of painful.)

So I said: Is there a reason to recount this odyssey?

And he answered without missing a beat.

Because we've gone well past the Iliad.