Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Feeling Sad, Jul 7, 2015.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Feeling,

    Good to hear from you. I'm so sorry you are struggling. You give and give of yourself to your son and students. You need to give to yourself too. You need to give to yourself first.

    It is so unkind of your son to tell you he wants to kill himself. I don't know that he truly understands how hurtful is words are to you but regardless, it's not good for you to deal with that.

    We each can only do what we can bear. I've had my son tell me numerous times that he'd be better off dead. It's heartbreaking to hear that from your own child.
    For me, the only way I could move on was to accept that my son very well could take his own life or be killed by someone else because of the homeless lifestyle he chooses to live.
    How sad that a parent has to come to accept that but for me, that was the only way I could move on with my own life.

    In the midst of all you are dealing with I do hope you are taking time for yourself. You cannot continue to give of yourself to everyone else without replenishing your own energy reserves.

    Sending you love and hugs!!!
     
  2. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    Hello everyone, as I was cruising around the forum (as I am a new member), I happen to have seen this thread and I just wanted to stop in here to say hello and to say that this is the longest thread I have ever seen in forum history I think! I am so sorry if I am being rude by interupting, I truly mean no disrespect believe me, but since I want to be part of this site, I'd thought I'd join in and say hello here too. I definitely want to be a contributing member of this forum and since there is a lot of activity on this particular thread, I thought I would introduce myself here as well and try to join in. There is too much to read from the begining obviously so I am not all up to date, but I will try my best to catch up if I can, if that's ok with you all of course. Thank you.
     
  3. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Thank you, Copa. You are right. I need distance. He has been less cruel lately. I was back east on a teacher seminar. Maybe, he is better because we both had a break. I know that he feels bad staying here. I have been ill and he is being helpful, but still does not work or go to school. It has been a year. I am very resentful when I see him just relax all day. This is my summer vacation because I taught all year.

    I am profoundly missing my eldest schizophrenic son. It has been 3 years. I am feeling worse. I feel sad and worry all of the time. My heart literally aches for him.

    I am very lonely. It has been almost 10 years since my second divorce. I do not feel up to trying to be funny, perky, or cute enough to date. I am too sad. But, I wish that I had someone to spend time with in my life. I need to be able to just have fun and not have to walk on egg shells...
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Okay feeling, I will be direct.

    First. We need no longer be perky, cute or "on." We are no longer ingénues.

    We are sages. We have lived. We have loved. We can proudly wear our scars and assert our truth.

    This is what you have never yet allowed yourself to do. It is time. Over fifty years ago you had to suppress the truth of your life and repress your true self. No longer.

    No man worth having wants you with a pretty bow on, mute. Debutantes are out. The real you is what is required.

    Every single thing you have gone through, suffered makes you more, not less, desirable to the person who will really love you.

    But first that person has to be you.

    I have mentioned spiritual direction before. I really believe in it. It has been two years for me and I feel transformed.

    I went to AA last week. I do not drink (almost.) But I want to be around people who tell the truth about themselves and their lives and seek to live it.

    I am really contemplating doing 90 meetings in 90 days to get a jumpstart.

    I can think of concrete things you can do to be around people who will love you, just exactly as you are, and for who you are.

    What are YOU up for?

    I hope you feel better soon. How were your seminars?
     
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    PS. About your eldest. There is not one thing i can think of that will make that pain go away. Not for you. Or me.

    Except one thing. Filling our lives with meaning and purpose. Not just at work, but in our relationship with ourself, with g-d, with others and our community. These are not shoulds. They are truths.

    I read last night that General Pershing from world war I had a terrible tragedy befall him right before he was to meet destiny and become a hero. His wife and 3 daughters were killed in a house fire.

    Nobody escapes their life alive. Nobody.

    I worry because I nag you. But if I don't do it, who will?

    Feeling. Whatever happened about your girlfriend's grandchild?
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Feeling. With middle son. Do you believe he is served by living with you?

    One thing I have thought about with my son, is steering him towards getting a camper or trailer, so that he can be independent. My son loves the Monterey Bay area. There are places to park an RV in that area that are very reasonable.

    We are not getting anywhere because my son's preference is to not pay ANYTHING for rent.

    The thing is. If you and I keep sheltering them, where does the change come from?
     
  7. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Thank you, Tanya. I understand what you are saying, but my heart won't let me even think about that real chance that my middle son might kill himself. I am still worrying about my eldest schizophrenic son that I haven't seen in 3 years. He is like a child out there. I am bit of a emotional wreck. My middle son is grieving for his brother and is very depressed. Yes, he should not tell me that he wants to die, I feel that he is very depressed about his big brother. He was always going to take care of him, when I was gone. They had a falling out before I had to file the restraining order and I think that he blames himself, wrongly, on some level.

    Welcome, Wish. Thank you for joining us and, yes, this is a long thread. The continuing saga... This site is wonderful and very helpful. You are never judged and develop strong connections to others that are going through similar trials in life.

    Lastly, dear Copa, I love you because you never hold back and offer true, honest, cut-to-the-chase advice. Yes, I, sadly, am no longer an ingenue... Thank g-d, I am no longer dancing through my scary times at cortillion, with a brave smile on my young face. Perhaps, I am more afraid of not being 'perky' physiologically, as opposed to my energy level...but I digress. Yes, I have a kind heart to offer. I just don't know if it is too bruised to give it a go. I can't take any more pain.
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Feeling. The pain comes no matter what we do to stop it. Hiding does not stop it. I tried.

    Why not, a 12 step group? I like AA. Most are open groups and anybody can attend.

    People tell the truth. There are men. Nice men. Everybody goes. There are housewives and teachers, farmers, physicians, professors, retired people. A third of the people at least were as old or older than I.

    We can make a pact and both of us go.

    The group where I went has potlocks and game nights. They are a group of friends like an extended family.

    The lady who is helping me has made a whole life out of this.

    Feeling. They tell the truth about their lives. They have fun. They have each other. They are not alone.
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2018
  9. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I dated a man seriously 20 years ago who attends AA. I do not want to run into him. It would be more harmful than good. But, I do understand your point. Yes, it was a long time ago, but this man really hurt me. I broke up with him, but he totally used me and made me feel bad about myself.

    I agree about making it too easy on our sons. I feel resentful getting up each school day as he sleeps. He actually said that he was going to stay here until "I kick him out". He knows that I would fall apart with 2 sons homeless. My middle son has a lot of money from my parent's estate and me. He has no inclination to work or go to school. His husky makes him less apt to get out there. They are both overly attached. He never vacuums his fur and I have an allergy to him.

    My friend's granddaughter is doing okay. She will need a liver transplant sometime before adulthood. She is cute as the dickens and is 2 1/2. She was born with 50% cirrhosis of the liver. It is called bilirubin bilary atresia. She has had to go to Children's Hospital several times a year.

    My seminar was wonderful. I met great teachers from all over the U.S. I love both travel and history. I was in my element. I truly enjoyed myself. I was going to travel more on my own when it finished, but I got sick and was tired. I did fly out 4 days early and had fun going on tours and shuttles.

    You are correct about the pain and not being able to stop it. I meant that I do not want to get hurt by a bad relationship. I am leery because I do not choose men wisely. I am used to helping or fixing people. I need someone who could reciprocate and not just take. I think that I tolerate too much due to a severely damaged self-concept.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2018
  10. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I have been reading studies on parent caregivers of adults with SMI, or a serious mental illness, and their cortisol levels. Our levels start off higher in the morning and do not decline as much throughout the day. It is physiologically harmful to us. We also deal with ambiguous grief, without end. Our sleep quality is poor. Instead of enjoying myself, I feel guilty sleeping in a bed, while my tall, schizophrenic son is squeezed into his dilapidated car. He is still probably very paranoid and petrified. I worry about what will happen when I die. I truly cannot remember being completely happy. Yes, I can sometimes have brief moments of fun, but all too soon, it comes rushing back.

    I feel sad because my son's schizophrenia and attending anosognisia, lack of insight, is not his fault. I carry it in my genes. He got it from me. Yes, that is not directly my fault, but never the less, there it is. The worst part of it is not ever seeing him. I do not know how he is doing. I will probably never see him again. I ache almost constantly. Yes, I did not have much of a choice. Both, my youngest son and I, are alive. But, how is my ill son doing? I cannot find out or ever see him again. Yes, I can follow his movements on our joint account. I am grateful for this. I know that he is alive. What if activity stops. What could I do? Nothing. Just nothing. As you can see, I am in the depths of despair... There was no good answer. There is no way to fix things.
     
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Is there really no way you can see your son again for your sake? Can yoi not meet him in crowdwd restaurants just to see his face and assure yourself a bit? I know you have a RO on him but if you go to him, would anyone know? This would be strictly for you, to feel a tad more connected. And of course since I have never had anyone schizophrenic iny life. please forgive me if I sound very stupid. I am thinking of you and it is breaking my heart.

    Dont forget how much your money helps your son survive. You are being very kind and loving.

    I totally get why you cant/wont make your middle son leave.

    I am.not very schooled in the area of schizophrenia except that I know how ill they are and that often they are too afraid to get help or dont know they are sick. I think if there is a way to have short visits in crowded public places......maybe?

    I am so filled with sadness for your situation..
     
  12. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I do not know where he is. He sleeps in his car and parks in a new place or town every night. He never stays in one place. He parks inside neighborhoods, at the curb between the fronts of houses, so he will not be noticed. My youngest techie son put a tracker on the new phone that my youngest gave to him when he was escorted from our neighborhood.. It worked for 2 days and then the phone died. He has never used his new phone. He is extremely paranoid. He probably is fearful of being tracked or saw the tracker app.

    Our joint account shows locations of activities after it has occurred. Often 2 towns can show up on one day. I cannot find him. He has no address or friends to contact. He is very smart and driven by paranoia, delusions, and command hallucinations. His voices told him to kill me. They are probably telling him that I am dangerous. His worst nightmare was realized when 5 police officers were in our house and he was pulled out of his room in his boxers. I have no idea of how he viewed the whole thing. I do not know if, on some level, he knew that I was trying to keep us all safe. At the very least, he knows, per the order, that he cannot be near me or try to contact me. I followed the directions at the courthouse. Later, I was told by someone at NAMI that I could have allowed phone calls. I wish that I had. But, he is not a phone person. Previously, he had only called me twice in 9 years...

    He uses a major gym membership for showers 24/7. He probably takes showers in the wee hours to avoid people. Each town has several of these gyms. He frequents many different cities without any specific pattern.

    The order was for the longest amount of time...5 years. It has been 3 years. I know that the time element does not make a difference to him. I am the bad guy. I would only see him if he came home, and in his frame of mind, it would be to perhaps kill me. He was arguing with his voices, so I feel that he is staying far enough away to keep me safe. But, he is probably just following the restraining order. But, he chooses to be near. Maybe, he knows these adjacent towns and feels safer. One therapist said that he is like a shark with blood in the water, circling me. Another therapist said that he wants to be near because he loves us. He is never further away than 40 minutes from me, and he rarely is in town.

    The restraining order was to keep us all safe. My youngest son, who has his own house in town now, and I were not hurt or possibly killed. He was not hurt by the police or put in prison for harming somone.

    I have thought that I could rent a car and sleep in the parking lot of one of the gyms, wearing a wig. But, then what? If I saw him, would I rush up to him in a dark parking lot alone?

    I would scare him, not be in a safe position, and he would run off and probably go to a new state. If he did try to hurt me, and I called 911, the police would arrest me for breaking the order. I thought of handing him a letter. I am sure that he would not let me get close enough to hand it to him. He would see it as a trap, not as a mother who misses her son.

    Hopefully, he knows that we love and miss him. Most therapists and people at NAMI feel that I should never give him a penny, so that he 'presents' quicker and is brought in. I would not be contacted unless he permits it, which he wouldn't, so I would never know if he was brought in. Usually, they have to be arrested several times before mental health court is involved, if ever. This is my only lifeline. He would probably never seek help and could starve. I would fall apart if I did not know if he is alive.

    I cannot do anything.
     
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Feeling, I think you are doing the very best you can. It's heartbreaking to know that you cannot do anything to help your child.
    The most important thing is your safety.
    Perhaps I'm just hopeful but I would like to believe on some level your son knows deep down inside that you love him.
    I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with.
    Sending love and hugs!!
     
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Feeling sad, I have tears in my eyes after reading your post, so full of love. Although I never had a loved one with schizophrenia, I did once spend ten weeks in a psychiatric hospital so I got to meet and observe the horror of schizophrenia and I never forgot. This was back in a saner time when somehow those with psychotic illnesses WERE actually sometimes admitted against their will and medicated. Many got better. Did it last after they left? Who knows. They were by far the sickest patients. I loved so many of them. So many were smart to brilliant. One woman spoke seven languages and was delightful when lucid. We talked when she could. Other times she would not talk to me because I was one of "them." The potential was so great there. So very sad.

    My heart is with you and heavy when I think of your dangerous situation which doesnt stop your love for your son and is nobodys fault. I wish you could meet a nice, supportive man to take some of the burdon from you but I understand that you fear your choice in men....I still hope one day it just happens for you. A strong, kind man. To walk through life with you.

    I tear up often when you post. But you get such tremendous support and help from better people than me, like the kindly and wise Copa. I cant beat her words. But you are in my thoughts.

    Ill bet you are an amazing teacher. If you believe, know you are in my prayers....and your sons too.
     
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    OK.

    I will not try to talk you into AA but what about al anon or coda. Or any other group

    You do not have to become intimate with anybody. A friendship. Friendships. Mutual support.

    What about a singles group thru a church? Not to meet a man but to be with people, to have and give support and caring.

    I joined a group. AAUW. American association of university women. Most are retired teachers. They meet in small groups. For lunch. The theater. Hiking. Bridge. They make close and supportive friendships. They text each other to go to the movies.

    There are ways people reach out.

    I think you may have survivors guilt. It is as if you cannot forgive yourself for being the one who survived untouched. You seem to allow yourself only work and shopping. I identify with you. But we can change.

    It is not your fault. You CAN learn to forgive yourself. You don't deserve to suffer.

    I am reading a memoir by a 90 year old Holocaust survivor who is a psychologist. The choice by Edith Eger. She learned to forgive herself. We can too.
     
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  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Feeling, you are back Little Bird. I have missed you.
    Me too. Not one thing. I am sorry, I know the despair, each of us dealt with our own hellish version.
    But there is this.......
    Feeling, you are a wonderful soul. Life is so short, there is much sadness, but also much beauty. I hope you are feeling better today.

    I am trying to get through my clutter and organize my house. Still.
    I had an old trunk I bought decades ago and I finally “Pinterested” it. Painted it white, decoupaged the inside with some wild, colorful Bohemian fabric.
    I have yet to stencil the outside, a play on words for an old travel trunk “There’s no place like home.”
    Feeling, I have looked at some of the work that needs to be done around my house and yard and thought of hiring someone. To help. It becomes a mountain at times. You wrote that your middle son has no inclination to work or clean, but has money. Why not have him pay for a cleaning lady? It may be a motivator for him to get moving about. Contribute to the household? Just a thought.
    Feeling, you are doing the very best you can under extremely difficult circumstances.
    Take care my brave warrior sister.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  17. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Hi, Leafy! Both you and Copa have helped me immeasurably to get through these very difficult times.

    I, too, have a lot of work that I need to do on my house...delayed maintenence. Definitely. Your chest project sounds darling.

    When you are sad or depressed, it is all so very over-whelming. At school, the students' sweet faces and the District deadlines keep me hard at work. I love what I do and feel happy when I see progress.

    At home, it is a whole different matter. I have great ideas, but then I feel too tired or think that I will do it a different day... I recently have been doing one chore or errand each day. I am decluttering. I cannot let go of things, but I am squirreling things away and trying to organize my possessions. At times, it feels very cathartic. But, on other days, I am so throughly sad, that I just can't work on things.

    Sometimes, when I am sorting, it just takes one thing to make me have to stop. I found a great photo of my eldest son and me right after his high school graduation. We were both beaming. He had his cap and gown on and was signaling a double thumbs up. He had such high hopes for his future. A few years later, he was taken over by schizophrenia.

    If I had a more positive environment during my summer, it would help. My middle son is having emotional issues and tears me down a lot. He gets angry at everything. You can feel the negativity and depression just dripping down the walls. I am back to walking on egg shells. I want to 'run away from home', but it is my home.

    Leafy, your idea is great. I had thought of hiring someone and having him pay for part of it. I am emotionally paralyzed. I want to affect change, but I am afraid of him leaving and of not ever seeing him again. I cannot take anymore. I know that he is hurting, but I am, too. It has been a year and he has done nothing. I am afraid of giving him ultimatums. He needs counseling, but I can't make him go.

    My seminar back east was wonderful because all of the fellow teachers from all over the U.S. were fun and positive. I love history, traveling, architecture, and learning. I could be myself and feel more happy.
     
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Feeling, so glad you are still here.
    This is excruciating. I know because you are describing what I felt. Before hubs got ill again, he was going through depression. Everything you wrote, the negativity, walking on eggshells, the very air was full of angst. I could hardly breathe. There was no cajoling him out of it. It was so difficult to live with. There was nothing I could say or do that would abate his moodiness. He said he was not depressed, but he was just not himself, and it was hard and frustrating to watch, let alone live with.
    I guess I “ran away from home” in my own way, busying myself with coaching and paddling, posting here to relieve my despair of dealing with my two, keeping up with work and my sons activities. Underneath all of that was a heaviness. I am still working through the grief. Part of this is complicated by stuff I am surrounded with at home. I had let my house go for awhile, given up the idea that it was my home. For a time, it didn’t feel like it, a place to sleep, more like. Overwhelmed by accumulation of stuff. It was as if a representation of all of the emotions I had to deal with, I couldn’t show that at work, or in outside activities, but I found that in my house, I didn’t know where to begin, or even had the energy to think about fixing it.
    Slowly, I started sorting through things. I must have made about 20 dump runs. This was stuff outside that hubs couldn’t and wouldn’t throw away.
    I make lists and tackle a bit each day. As I sort through it, I sort through my feelings and the more I straighten things up, the lighter my outlook. It makes a difference, making a house into a home, a place where I can rest and see myself emerging. Like a new me.
    I think part of depression is things remaining the same. Environment plays a huge role on my emotional climate. It is very difficult to overcome the aura of negativity that leaks out of a depressed person and drips from the walls.
    So, I painted those walls. Bright colors. Accent walls of teal and chartreuse, chocolate brown. My well kids tease my bohemian outrageousness, but I bask in the bright colors.
    I was emotionally paralyzed for a time, too. Waves of sadness infiltrated the “bubble” I tried to create to fend off the grief of two wayward daughters, a relationship lost through illness and death. Hubs was like a candle burning too quickly, before his time came, there were years lost because of the circumstances we dealt with over our two and our grands. He was so sad and angry. I felt guilty for a time, because I could not budge him. So I kept busy, I couldn’t fix what he was going through, and when I did try, was met with anger. And then he was gone. I am still working through those feelings, but what I have to recognize is that I had to do something for self preservation. His anger and sadness was directed towards me, and I did not deserve that. I realize that part of his emotional state had to do with his illness and his failing health. I didn’t know it then. It was confusing and hard. After studying up on sepsis, what it does to the body and mind, the after effects, that, coupled with my hubs rough childhood, his spending his life working to provide for his children, only to have two of them follow his father’s pattern of addiction, it is a no brainer that he was depressed. Even though there is a rational explanation for the depth of his sadness, I still did not deserve to bear the brunt of it.
    Feeling, I do understand through my own experience, somewhat of what you are going through. You do not deserve to bear the brunt of your sons depression.

    I was at this juncture. I remember at one of Hubs doctors appointments, I remarked that he was depressed, hubs retorted “I am not depressed!” I replied half jokingly, “I am!” It was true, I was. Looking back now, I see this mountain I was dealing with, two daughters kidnapped by drugs, an angry, emotionally and conversationally distant husband.
    He wouldn’t get help. I was hurting, so I sought help.
    It is good that you recognize you are hurting. What to do? You have delved into your work, and find joy in helping your kids. You found respite in your seminar, being with adults who are engaging and happy.
    There must be some activities in your area, where you can get away for an evening. Book clubs? Art classes? Something, anything to help ease your mind and lift your spirit.
    It is so important for you. Also, I think for your middle son. You are leading by example in taking care of yourself this way. You matter, Little Bird. We matter.
    I have come to the conclusion that the only way I can help my two, is by helping myself. I want them to see their potential, to find true peace and joy in their lives. That is my mission, to find my own potential, to live the best rest of my life, and it is not selfish. Our minds have been tainted to think this way, that if our adult kids are suffering, so must we. There is no sacrificing any of our joy, that will change things for them.
    You have so much to offer others, please make time to offer up to yourself, to replenish.
    Hiring help to fix up your place is a great start. If you feel asking your son to help pay, will push him out, I don’t know, Feeling. That’s not fair to you, or him. Everyone needs to have responsibility.
    Maybe start small, and work from there.Test the waters.
    I have to get out to my jungle and hack away at overgrowth. Sorry this turned into a long vent. Thank you for reading, and for sharing your feelings. It brought back memories. I think I am healing my friend, slowly. I don’t feel guilty that I went out and found activities to stop the hurt of hubs depression from infiltrating my very being. I think that in his right mind, he wouldn’t want me to feel that way, or languish in despair now.
    Feeling, our time left on this earth is short. Let’s make the best of it.
    Much love and big hugs.
    Leafy
     
  19. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Dear, sister Leafy. I am so sorry that you went through all of that pain. Yes, depression smothers out any light, joy, or hope. We were, and are, both hurting. Yet, when the air is thick with depression, you have to actively fight not to be pulled down into the muck and mire. Yes, I completely understand when you stated that you had to work at stopping Hub's depression from 'infiltrating' your very being. Your newly painted walls proudly show hope and joy. A true change of environment changing one's outlook...

    Your choice of paint colors sound wonderful! I have had a chip of paint on my wall for about 9 months. There it just sits. I am proud of you for accomplishing so much on your house. You go, girl!

    I went with my best friend up the coast to Santa Ynes to go wine tasting. It was an idyllic day. We had no time schedule. She belongs to several winery clubs, so it was free. We just sipped, sat, talked, ate, shopped, and relaxed. We took our time. It was lovely.

    My friend has worries, as well. She lost her third son to Leukemia at age 10. She now has a granddaughter with bilary atresia, who developed 50% cirrhosis of the liver at 9 weeks and under went surgery. She will need a liver transplant before she reaches adulthood. The prognosis daunting. My friend has such strength, just like my warrior sisters.

    I still feel so badly about telling her a while ago that it is so difficult to deal with the constant grief of missing my eldest schizophrenic son, without any closure. I said that statement, and then quickly regretted doing so. She just politely replied, "No, you don't want closure".

    I can't even imagine what you are going through...missing Hubs and having 2 wayward addicted daughters. I am so glad that you have your youngest at home still. That is what helped my friend. She still had to pull herself out of bed each morning to care for her other 2 sons.

    She recently lost her sister, without warning. Yet, she never has a negative attitude. You and Copa are down, yet you still find productive activities to do each day. You guys are good role models. I bet your 'jungle' is gorgeous. My backyard is very over-grown, as well, but not lush and green like yours in Hawaii.

    I think that you are right. Copa also mentioned the same thing. We have survivors guilt. Not over the fact that we are alive, which I had after my brain surgery when my roommates passed away, but rather, we are unscathed by mental illness and addiction . Our minds are our own. Yes, I feel guilty living in a house and sleeping in a bed. My poor son is tall and cannot stretch out his legs in his dilapidated compact car each night.

    But, you are also very correct in stating that life is short. I had the true joy and appreciation of life when I woke up without right-sided paralysis and memory loss after my brain tumor was removed. It was like a drug. I just beamed pure happiness. I appreciated every little vignette or phrase. Then, life started to slowly chip this away. I lost 2 roommates in the hospital and one had slurred speech and could not remember her husband or children. I started to have survivor's guilt. I got divorced a year later, my father died, I dealt with my 2 schizophrenic sisters, and my beloved son was stolen by the ravages of schizophrenia. Life whittled away at my joy of being alive. That is what is totally zapping any hope. I miss my eldest son all of the time and I am petrified that my second son might be becoming schizophrenic, as well. Both of my sisters were affected and at times, he says something or acts like my eldest in the earlier stages. It is in slow motion, and I helplessly look on.

    I don't remember, Leafy. Did your 2 addicted girls start to have issues around the same time? You have gone through a lot.

    I am glad that you are being active and enjoying your summer. Copa sounds busy with productive endeavors, as well. Yes, we have to model for our children the correct way to deal with stress and hurdles in life. Take care, sweet Leafy. Enjoy your summer. Back to school supplies are, sadly, already displayed. Talk about a downer...
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2018
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Feeling,
    It seems there are some who walk this earth who have gone through the fires of life. I have a young friend who grew up with addicted parents. Her mother was murdered when she was 10. She lived in foster homes, and with her grandparents, had a pretty hard life growing up.
    I don’t know why some people have so much tragedy to deal with. Is it a training? A test?

    You have been through so much in your life. One would hope things ease off, and you could breathe.
    I am glad you went out with your friend wine tasting, it sounds like so much fun. I am sure she did not take offense at your venting, Feeling. We all have our woes in life to deal with.
    My two did not start out in addiction together, as they are 9 years apart. They were very close growing up. Rain started acting out in middle school, so did Tornado. I made Rain leave the house at 18, she refused to follow house rules. Tornado was with her first child at the young age of 15. She did okay for awhile but her boyfriend was already controlling and jealous. Things went downhill for them quickly.
    Everyone tried to help, but nothing worked.
    After their third child was born, CPS got involved and we had the grands for about six months.
    Sigh.
    Well. What is one to do? I think about people in third world countries who are barely surviving. People who have lost their whole family to illness, car wrecks, war. People who lost babies before birth.
    Life can be brutal. Unfair. Tragic.
    My two have been drugknapped. It is different than the ravages of schizophrenia, but almost similar, as the longer they use, the more paranoid and psychotic they become. Meth alters the brain.
    They are in the late stages of use and are not in their right mind.
    I cannot help them.
    So, I pray for them.
    I am back to work in two weeks. Ugh. I said that. Ugh. Then I said how thankful I am for two months off, that I have a job! (Trying to be grateful....and convince myself.) After each vacation going back is a little tougher. I have so much to do at home and in my yard. This summer, I have discovered large, colorful plant pots at Ross Stores. They are so pretty and cost a fraction of regular price. I am trying to create a magical rock garden with herbs, flowers and sculptures. Yes, I have gone a bit over the top, but I love the transformation.
    I have to tell you that I go through my moments of sadness, too. Days when I feel I can’t move. It hits me at the oddest times. I let the feelings flow and try to allow myself time out to work through it.
    I am so sorry about your two sons. I wish your middle son would get help, he must be very frightened. Or, does he know what he is doing? Is he aware? I remember you posting your eldest is not aware he is ill? I am so sorry for your aching heart. It is not fair that you have suffered so with schizophrenia with your sisters and your son. I am amazed at your resilience Little Bird.
    And still, you rise.
    Enjoy the rest of your summer sweet sister.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy