Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Copabanana]

Feeling, good news about your health.

I ditto your feelings and fears about my mortality in relation to my son.

He is homeless, still. It would be a huge hurdle if he decided to put his all into finding a room there and stabilizing enough to maintain it. Yet, I would want him near me, no matter how hard it is.

I believe he recognizes he needs to reach into himself to make living independently work and that is far easier done away from me. Yet I wish he could come to see that our smaller community has enough to make a decent life.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Hello. It has been a long time...again.

With my second son not doing well, I am finding it harder to not be very depressed myself. Yes, I get up each day to teach. I love my job. I am very fortunate to have my teaching. Currently, I am having conferences.

But, when I go home and things are quiet...it all comes rushing back. I feel destitute and barren of hope. I have gone through my life with a Pollyanna view of the world. I always tried to see the positive. It is harder for me to do that now. I am jaded. I am anxious. I do not trust life.

Copa, I had to take my middle son to the hospital. He had not eaten or had liquids...outside of large amounts of alcohol. They wanted him to go to a mental hospital. They asked him if he was suicidal. He answered, "Not today..."

He saw a psychiatrist alone. She told me afterwards that he was very motivated to see a therapist. I told her that he was just telling her want she wanted to hear. Later, he told me exactly that. He had no intention if going to see a therapist. He did not want to go to a mental hospital.

I think that my being dizzy and the upcoming results of my MRI caused him to drink large amounts. He felt for months that my tumor was returning. If I forgot anything, he would tell me that my brain tumor was returning.

That morning as I left for my results, I told him, "Wish me luck!" He returned with, "It has nothing to do with luck. I hope that you are not going to die".

He has not had any alcohol since going to the emergency room. It does not react well with his antidepressant medications. He was very sick. Hopefully, he will not start drinking again.

Recently, I decided to let him get a dog. He had started to act very differently. His tonal quality was similar to my ill son. He was not having delusions or hallucinations. But, he was acting differently. I am now painfully...acutely aware of any new or different behavior. I have watched 3 individuals slowly get schizophrenia; my 2 sisters and my eldest son.

My middle son is probably just very depressed, but I watch in agony. They have done studies on how socialization helps ward off mental illness. He was almost child-like when he asked my youngest son if his dog could spend the night. My youngest son laughed and thought that he was joking. But, he was very serious. It broke my heart.

Copa, sadly there were no Chinese crested dogs at any of the shelters. My youngest had his husky here before he moved out. I had no problems with allergies. He stayed on the vinyl flooring or in his room. Huskies are low allergy because they have less dander and do not have as much of a dog smell. Yes, they are furry, but cause no problem for me.

My middle son adopted a gorgeous 2 year old husky. He is very well-behaved. The change in my middle son is enormous. At times, he seems like his old self. They walk all over town. He says that it is like having a child except, it is not selfish and that he saved his dog's life. I feel that his dog saved his...

He thinks that I want to die because I do not eat as healthily as he thinks that I should. He told me, "Mom, you should get a dog so that you won't want to die".

I know that this will not stop the onslaught of schizophrenia. But, I am hoping, against all odds, that it is just depression. I pray this is so, with my broken heart. I still ache profoundly for my eldest ill son. It has been 2 1/2 years. It feels like a lifetime. I feel dead inside.

I am taking each day at a time. I still struggle with guilt, but I know that I had no choice. Take care.

 

[Kalahou]

Aloha Feeling,
I just came on the forum quickly to check in before turning off my light to sleep.
I send you and your sons ~ love, care, prayer, and comfort tonight.

I have followed along with your thread since the very beginning. You were the very first one to reply to my initial thread on this site, about my son a couple years ago. You have been in my thoughts and prayers since then. It meant so much to me what you shared, and that you cared. I always remember you. You are an inspiration.

You know you are never alone with us here. We care for you. Your love for your sons shines through, and you are holding fast to what is good in your life and in their lives. You are a tower of strength and blessing in these circumstances. Your sons know your deep love, even in their separate pain that they must walk through themselves.

But, when I go home and things are quiet...it all comes rushing back. I feel destitute and barren of hope. I have gone through my life with a Pollyanna view of the world. I always tried to see the positive. It is harder for me to do that now. I am jaded. I am anxious. I do not trust life.

At times I have grown to feel this way also, Feeling. We understand this. It is OK. At the same time, you are finding a peace and thankfulness, and renewing your strength, even as you teach and find contentment in your work with your students. You are going to be alright, Feeling. Do not grow weary.

Take care of yourself, dear. Bless. Each day is ~ a new day ~ Kalahou

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Kalahou. It cheered me up as I read your kind words this morning. You made it easier to get up and face the new day. I truly appreciate it.

Yes, this site has people that truly understand. We carry on each day. Most people could never understand our pain. We sadly, all do...

Have a wonderful day.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Feeling, It's not wonder that you are struggling with your feelings. You have been through so much.

I feel dead inside.

I think the lack of feeling is a body's way of coping. I have had times where I too felt dead inside and I came to understand that I just wasn't "feeling". We can only take so much, we can only process so much and you my dear friend have had much to process.
I do hope you are taking time for yourself to just be, to be quiet and at rest. If you are able to get a away for a few days you should. Unplug from all that is going on around you and just be. If you can't get away for a few day try and take some time each day to go sit or walk in a park, somewhere that you can just be quiet and let nature surround you. Something you can do at home, get a meditation CD that is just music, you know the kind they play when you get a massage. Play the CD while you just sit or lay down, focus on your breathing, deep slow breaths in and out, be aware of your body, visualize the stress melting off your body, each part from your head all the way to your toes.
I'm wishing you love, peace and some rest.
((HUGS)) to you too..................

 

[Copabanana]

feeling. a short reply for now.

each of you are watching the other fearing he will die or wants to die. watching eachother for signs of illness, that the worst is happening. thank g-d for the dog who cannot participate in this energy and who seems in his oblivion to be turning the tide.
how wonderful.

your son seems to be walking through his pain. there are newish therapies that focus on just this, movement.

what are you going to do?

i am beset by sadness too much of the time. i talk to the rabbi every week or two. i am learming brasilian jiu jitsu, trying to walk an hour most days (fail), and now am involving myself with a congregation a few hours away to study over the next year for a bat mitzah (or at least to understand the basics of my faith ).

i believe my struggle internally is very like yours. i fill the void with agony either projecting into the future or back in the past. both are huge vats of horror for me.

i will aim to try to stay in each moment to avoid the compulsive story making. by breathing and learning to just be to learn to tolerate being empty (or present) for a few seconds at a time. which i guess is detachment.

i thing we have a chance to let go of our horror stories. which it sounds like middle son is doing. so pleased for him.

 

[New Leaf]

Little Bird, I have not been here for some time as well. Been so busy just trying to live as best can under the circumstances.
Although it is hard what we deal with day in and out, be it your eldest sons illness and homelessness, middle sons depression, my eldest daughters homelessness and drug addiction as well as my middle girl, (BIG SIGH for both of us.....) we are still here somehow putting one foot in front of the other.
It sounds as though your middle son has found a way to get through his depression caring for his dog.
That is awesome! I hope this can be a turning point for him.
I am glad that your MRI came back showing no tumor. A workmate experiences vertigo and it sounds horrible.
I juggle with sorrow and guilt too, those old what ifs and shoulda, coulda, wouldas.
I think we can become our very own worst critics and in doing so, our worst own bullies, which in turn, denies self care.
Taking each day at a time is a good start to allowing yourself to breathe.
After hubs passed, I was having episodes of shortness of breath. I seriously thought I was having a heart attack a few times, then googled and found it is a symptom of anxiety.
Looking back, I remember that dear hubs was tired and depressed a lot. He became reclusive and angry. It was hard work being around the dark cloud of this. I go through periods of guilt that I was unable to reach him, to help him. Then I have to remember that I had no control over it. Sigh.
You are helping your son by having him live with you, that is such a loving thing to do. At the same time, it must take its toll on you. I hope, dear friend, that you are able to get away and find something to uplift you.
I have been reading about stress and the effects on our health, it is not good for us. Yet, with the travails we face how in the heck do we destress?
Sister, you find joy in your work, but work is stressful too!
Do you still have your exercise thingamajig (I forgot the name). I ended up giving mine to my granddaughter because my knee didn't like it.
I have tried to keep up a routine walking in the mornings. The quiet time moving and reflecting has helped. It is my time to pray as well, which I find comforting when my thoughts become too intense as far as my wayward children are concerned.
Confession, sometimes, I feel like a manic depressive. I have good days and not so good, highs and lows. Have to put the happy face on at work. There are times when my energy level is low, and so are my spirits. The struggle is real. With work and so much to do at home, it all can be so overwhelming. Then the effort dealing with grief pervades and I become frozen with it.
I think that is what you mean by feeling dead.
It is completely understandable with all that is going on.
And, it is okay.
So, lets just go to the beach, you and I.
1 hour beautiful hidden beach video viewed from sea cave - relaxing nature video HD 1080P

Much love and hopes for both of us to find our way through.

(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

Leafy you took me straight to the beach. I really needed that today. Look you can see my foot prints in the sand next to you and Feeling.

Then the effort dealing with grief pervades and I become frozen with it.

This resonates with me tremendously. I have been frozen and incapable of doing anything for myself. I just didn’t recognize it. I have been frozen with fear and grief.

I am focusing more on self care, and my own health lately. I need to get back into a healthy routine for me.

This disease strips us down physically and emotionally. It robs us of our joyous self. This so so not fair. It adds such insult to injury.

I will remember to go back to the beech too!

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you all for the wonderful words of support. I was very blessed to have found this site.

Tanya, thank you for all of your ideas. All of us on this site tend to forget about taking care of ourselves when we feel helpless and hopeless. I truly appreciate your suggestions. I will try to implement your ideas. I need to feel less anxious.

Copa, you are right that we are both watching each other...anxious for the other shoe to fall. I need to lose some weight, so anything I eat, makes him feel that I will die very soon. He is extremely underweight. I am very good at dieting, so I will lose 20 pounds so that he feels less stressed. Yes, we both need to try to carry on with our life.

Greetings, Leafy. I can hear the beautiful beach sounds as I type this. I love the beach. You are so very lucky to live in such a paradise. Thank you for the beach video. I love it! I collect beach paintings because they calm me...and don't break in earthquakes. I used to collect antique bottles, but now it is beach paintings. My tract has a yearly garage sale and once I buy my painting, I am done.

I am glad to hear that you are working through things. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I wrote earlier about receiving a premonition 2 minutes before my brother passed. I was excused from an in-service that I was supposed to attend because I was not due yet. The district had made a mistake. It was for nonviolent crisis intervention, which are prison holds only to be
used when a child is in danger of hurting themselves. (One year, I had my rib cracked by newbies that did it wrong while we role-played, but that is a different story). I showed up at the hospital early to take my brother home that morning the day after his new defibrillator was put in. They had to take him off of blood thinners for the surgery.

He said that he had not wanted the hospital to bother me. I told him that I had a sub already and that I was free. The nurses had told me earlier that he had talked about walking in the hallway, but he had remained in his bed and had just thrashed about.

I arrived while they were giving him his breathing treatment with oxygen. He talked to me and said that he didn't want them to bother me. I told him that I was free and that we could talk after he was done with his breathing treatment.

He said something else and, for the life of me, I do not know what he said. I wish that I had heard what he said. He had his oxygen mask on.

I had a clear message, or thought, that if he was to pass now, that it would be "calm and peaceful". It was not my thought. I always use a nickname for my brother. This message used his real name.

I chastised myself. I thought , "Why am I thinking this? I am here to take him home". Just 2 minutes later he was gasping for air and coded.

For a long time, I felt like I had somehow caused it. I have had premonitions since I have been 11 years old. Studies say that people become intuitive when they face dangerous trauma. At that age, my sister was threatening my life. I had to pick up on clues to see if she was going to carry out her threats to kill ne.

I am going down this road to convey the belief that I was told that my brother would die peacefully somehow. My faith has been challenged by what my family has gone through. Yet, I know that somehow, I received that very strong message. I now find it calming and that there are things that can't be explained. I find peace in it now.

I have a very difficult year because I have an autistic son of a fellow teacher. She both does not feel that he needs extra help, but also cried and said that he could not change over night. She is in total denial. I am trying to reduce prompts...and she insists on expecting very little from him. I am trying to navigate the waters and help her son become more independent and raise his self-esteem.

Thank you all for the support. I have a cold and my vertigo finally stopped.

I remember the pure, ecstatic joy that I felt when I woke up from my brain surgery. I thought that I would not make it or that I would lose my memory or be paralyzed on the right side, as they feared. I am trying to get back in touch with that joy. Life has a way of muddying the waters.

I am still alive and I need to cherish every day. I am still struggling with guilt and the should haves, would haves, but I will keep taking each day on to the best of my abilty. I feel that my homeless ill son is very child-like, but I need to be thankful that I know that he is alive through his activity on our joint bank account.

I hope that all of you are able to find peace and sollace.
.

 

[Copabanana]

feeling. your close friend with the ill grandbaby, who lost her son, how is the baby doing?

how isnit you can lose weght so easily? what do you do? could you work our aomething with middle son that you support eachother with weight? make it a competition. or is it better to leave him alone?

feeling. things seem so much better.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, my best friend's granddaughter is now two. She was born with her liver having 50% cirrhosis. She had life-saving surgery a few months after she was borm. She is darling, but they have to take her in anytime she has a fever. An infection is a major concern. She will unfortunately need a liver transplant before she is 5. The are trying to get her to gain weight so that she will be stronger if and when a transplant is necessary. Her condition is biliary artresia. It is rare.

 

[New Leaf]

Greetings, Leafy. I can hear the beautiful beach sounds as I type this. I love the beach. You are so very lucky to live in such a paradise. Thank you for the beach video. I love it!

Greetings Feeling. I am so happy you enjoyed the beach scene. I count my blessings that I live here and am able to experience the beauty. We do have real issues with overcrowding here and a HUGE homeless population. Yet, there are still areas to go to and find peace. I equate this with our situations with our d cs. It is a difficulty to journey through life with all that goes on, but we can still find peace within ourselves.

I am glad to hear that you are working through things. I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Oh boy, do I have my ups and downs. Really though, everyone has a tough battle to face in this world. I find that trying to look on the bright side helps, being grateful for what I have, the time I had to raise my children, the good times I was able to spend with hubs.

I wrote earlier about receiving a premonition 2 minutes before my brother passed.

I remember this post, Feeling.

I chastised myself. I thought , "Why am I thinking this? I am here to take him home". Just 2 minutes later he was gasping for air and coded.

I am so sorry that you had to witness that. That is where I do have my moments, when the memory of hubs last days cloud my mind. How hard it is to see our loved ones pass. Yet at the same time, you were able to be there with your brother in his last moments, which is somewhat of a gift to you both. It must have been such a comfort to him to have you there, Feeling.

Studies say that people become intuitive when they face dangerous trauma.

I believe this to be true.

I now find it calming and that there are things that can't be explained. I find peace in it now.

It is so true that some things are a mystery to us. I think we are inner connected beyond our imagination and grasp.

I have a very difficult year because I have an autistic son of a fellow teacher.

That is a challenge, for sure.

I am trying to navigate the waters and help her son become more independent and raise his self-esteem.

I have read and viewed examples of autistic children trapped in their minds, barraged and over sensitized by what we would consider normal day to day environment. It doesn't mean they are incapable of learning. I have seen these children grow and flourish. One just needs to find the right pathway. He is blessed to have you as his teacher.

I am trying to get back in touch with that joy. Life has a way of muddying the waters.

Yup, muddy waters for sure. The staple plant of Hawaiians is taro, which thrives in muddy waters.

Hawaiians view taro as their brother. That inner connection to nature and sustainability is found throughout legends and stories.
Muddy waters.
While we do not welcome troubles and challenges, there is opportunity for growth and change, lessons learned, finding a way to survive and thrive.
I think it was Copa who said in one of her posts that a Rabbi had counseled her that "Life happens". It sure does, for some, seemingly more fraught with difficulties than others. Maybe, it is that those who face insurmountable issues throughout life become our mentors and guides, to show us that we can overcome impossible situations?

I am still alive and I need to cherish every day. I am still struggling with guilt and the should haves, would haves, but I will keep taking each day on to the best of my ability.

Yes, Feeling cherish every day. Truthfully, I struggle with guilt as well. There are so many things I would have done differently, with the understanding I have now. Retrospect.
It is a wonderful tool if we use it wisely to learn and grow from our experiences and past mistakes.
Guilt can be the same way, it is a tool of our good conscience, goading us to do better.
Retrospect and guilt can also shackle us to a past we have no control over. We cannot change what was, but we can change our view of it. Use those experiences to help us grow. When we know better, we do better.
God forgives us for our imperfections and mistakes. We need to be able to forgive ourselves, too Feeling. Otherwise we get stuck. It is a human thing to be stuck in the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, isn't it?
But, realistically, we can't do anything about the past.
Life happens.

I feel that my homeless ill son is very child-like, but I need to be thankful that I know that he is alive through his activity on our joint bank account.

I feel the same about my two, they are very child like. This day, I am thankful they are alive, and hopeful they will find their true potential. It is not always this way for me. I have to work at finding peace and joy. I wish the same for them. So, in my rationale (today at least!) I feel that if I languish in sorrow and guilt, I am not being a good example for them.
I am glad to see through your post, Feeling that you are working towards peace and joy as well. What a wonderful example you are Little Bird.
Thank you for being the strong woman you are.
In spite of all of your difficulties and woes, you really are thriving in the muddy waters.
Have a wonderful day.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

I like the Muddy Watars and Taro plant. I might not be Groot but I think I might be Taro.

So many common threads among us all.

We are unified in our sorrows and yes life does carry on, it must and we must.
Find a small peace of joy to lift your spirits, I am struggling to do this today.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Little Bird, I hope all is well with you.
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

Hi Little Bird, I hope all is well with you.
Leafy

Happy weekend Leafy. Please send the Hawain breeze and warmth. I am freezing! We have had our first true taste of winter and snow today.
It is Friday. My PTSD is ramping up. We have not made it through a weekend of sobriety in a long long time. Breathing and connecting. It is as it shall be. Life in the present.

Fajitas for dinner!

I wish you a calm and peaceful rejuvenating weekend!

 

[New Leaf]

We have had our first true taste of winter and snow today.

Oh Boy! SNOW! Go sledding, or build a snowman!

It is Friday. My PTSD is ramping up. We have not made it through a weekend of sobriety in a long long time. Breathing and connecting. It is as it shall be. Life in the present.

It will be okay LBL, whatever happens, you will be able to deal with it, I am positive.

I wish you a calm and peaceful rejuvenating weekend!

You too, LBL. Breathe and let things happen as they do. Embrace the good moments, dear.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Littleboylost]

Oh Boy! SNOW! Go sledding, or build a snowman!
It will be okay LBL, whatever happens, you will be able to deal with it, I am positive.


You too, LBL. Breathe and let things happen as they do. Embrace the good moments, dear.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

Oh man. I wish there was enough snow. Just a windy dusting...but soon
.

 

[Littleboylost]

Hi Feeling;

Wishing you a peaceful weekend.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I am so sorry that it has been so long. I have not been doing very well. I was near 2 wildfires and had to be ready to evacuate with things packed by the door for several days, so I have not been sleeping well.

I am feeling very sad, hence, my name.. At work, I am doing fine, but when I get home...I am overcome with grief. I ache every day for my ill son. I worry about him and understand that I will probably never see him again.

My middle son is doing poorly and I am petrified that he, too, may become schizophrenic. He doesn't like being with people, doesn't want to drive, and keeps repeating nonsensical things that he finds amusing and can't seem to stop. Yes, it could be depression, but I worry that it might be schizophrenia. I feel like I am going to scream when he keeps repeating things. I cannot handle having him act in a way that is not himself. I am petrified.

I just want 'normal'...just 'normal'. It seems like we are in slow motion and that I have no control. I already have watched 2 sisters and my eldest son being ravaged by schizophrenia. It is a Hellish disease.

I am trying to get him to take 1 class online towards his degree, volunteer, or get a part time job, but to no avail.

I am reading about ambiguous grief. That is when you do not have closure, like in a death. But, rather you miss a person because that person is not longer himself or herself due to mental illness, brain trauma, dementia, addiction, etc. They are still alive, but they are no longer themselves. You grieve for the person that they once were and for the lost dreams that you had for them.

It also may involve the person still being alive, and yet, you do not know where they are or how they are doing. They are not dead, but you grieve their absence and the uncertainty of ever seeing them again or of them dying through suicide, overdose, or being hurt by others.

Most of the parents on this site, sadly, have to deal daily with both of these types of ambiguous grief.

My best friend lost her son, my youngest's best friend, to Leukemia at age 10. I unthinkingly told her once that I grieve constantly and have no closure. She calmly replied, "You don't want closure". I still feel thoughtless for saying this to her...

 

[Littleboylost]

I am so sorry that it has been so long. I have not been doing very well. I was near 2 wildfires and had to be ready to evacuate with things packed by the door for several days, so I have not been sleeping well.

I am feeling very sad, hence, my name.. At work, I am doing fine, but when I get home...I am overcome with grief. I ache every day for my ill son. I worry about him and understand that I will probably never see him again.

My middle son is doing poorly and I am petrified that he, too, may become schizophrenic. He doesn't like being with people, doesn't want to drive, and keeps repeating nonsensical things that he finds amusing and can't seem to stop. Yes, it could be depression, but I worry that it might be schizophrenia. I feel like I am going to scream when he keeps repeating things. I cannot handle having him act in a way that is not himself. I am petrified.

I just want 'normal'...just 'normal'. It seems like we are in slow motion and that I have no control. I already have watched 2 sisters and my eldest son being ravaged by schizophrenia. It is a Hellish disease.

I am trying to get him to take 1 class online towards his degree, volunteer, or get a part time job, but to no avail.

I am reading about ambiguous grief. That is when you do not have closure, like in a death. But, rather you miss a person because that person is not longer himself or herself due to mental illness, brain trauma, dementia, addiction, etc. They are still alive, but they are no longer themselves. You grieve for the person that they once were and for the lost dreams that you had for them.

It also may involve the person still being alive, and yet, you do not know where they are or how they are doing. They are not dead, but you grieve their absence and the uncertainty of ever seeing them again or of them dying through suicide, overdose, or being hurt by others.

Most of the parents on this site, sadly, have to deal daily with both of these types of ambiguous grief.

My best friend lost her son, my youngest's best friend, to Leukemia at age 10. I unthinkingly told her once that I grieve constantly and have no closure. She calmly replied, "You don't want closure". I still feel thoughtless for saying this to her...

Don’t feel sorry for saying what you did to your friend. You have very different grief experiences and she does not understand yours. I do an many here do. Some days I do wish I had closure as well.

I do how you are able to get your son into some form of care and support.

You are not alone.

I am glad you are safe from the fires to date. What a terrible terrible time.