Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

Feeling Sad

Well-Known Member
I am hoping that your hotel will give some of it back. Your reason is not an emergency and it depends on the date that you booked and the date of your expected stay. My hotel offered this, but it was better for me to just go there.

If the hotel says no, I found a site called Transfer travel.com. You can sell your room online, minus a 15% fee. They stated that 80% of hotels let you change the guests name. Read the hotel cancelation policy. Just an option.
 
I am going through a very similar experience. My 28 year old son, although working and mostly fully functional is addicted to cocaine and alcohol. He used to use Oxycodone but got off that.
He has had ADD since he was a child. He is a pathological liar. He is very easily led down the garden path and his "friends" take advantage of him all the time.
Last night we told him it could not continue. He was not happy with our ideas and decided to leave on his own - he has no money, and only a bag of clothes. This morning I did his laundry and will put it out front for him to pick up, with shampoo and toothpaste.
But realistically, it's the only way he'll hit rock bottom. I'm sure "friends" (a few good, mostly not) will help him out initially but then he'll have to figure out how to support himself.
And honestly, I haven't really felt that bad about it. We've been going through this for so long, and he is an adult with a job, that I almost feel relieved.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Your middle son sounds like a good man, a responsible man. I am so sorry for his pain; that this is all so hard. I feel the same way sometimes. I will call the hotel.

What is roomertravel.com?
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
But realistically, it's the only way he'll hit rock bottom. I'm sure "friends" (a few good, mostly not) will help him out initially but then he'll have to figure out how to support himself.
Voa. Why not start your own thread so that people can get to know you?

The above is what happened to us. When I kicked out my son about 8 years ago he went to live with friends of ours who had a luxe motel on the beach in a famous city. For two years. This is where my son got introduced to marijuana, (heavy use) and settled into a non-productive lifestyle. Then they dropped him. (Of course, understandable. But they did nothing to help him by setting him up and letting him fall.)
And honestly, I haven't really felt that bad about it. We've been going through this for so long, and he is an adult with a job, that I almost feel relieved.
I felt relief too, at first. In fact, that's what happens when I kick him out. I feel relief. I feel strong. But then, within a month, I can't bear it.

But your situation is different. He is an adult with a job. He can work this out. He is standing on his own feet.

Yet, I am not sure that there is anything good about hitting bottom. I think sometimes people fall and fall. But the thing is the change has to come from your son. He can find support in the community. There are treatment options and Narcotics Anonymous. I agree with you. There needs to be some sort of separation.
 
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Feeling Sad

Well-Known Member
Dear Victim, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I think that I want to call you 'Not a Victim'. I agree that a family hits a point where it is enough. I started this thread 4 years ago. I have 3 sons. My eldest became schizophrenic and I tried for 9 years to get him to get help. Often, they have anosognosia, or lack of insight, and feel that they are not sick, but rather that we are the ones who are out of contact with reality. He became more and more violent and destructive. I grew up with a schizophrenic sister who was violent. I had to file a restraining order to have him removed by the police because he held a cracked bottle out to my throat and argued with his voices about not wanting to kill me. My youngest son lived with me then and I had to protect him. My worry now is that my second son could be becoming schizophrenic. He is acting like my middle son in the early stages. I am hoping that it is just chronic depression.

Drug addiction is a mental health condition and takes control over their thinking and behavior. Drugs can ravage their minds. People self-medicate for many reasons . Some are driven to be in altered states. They start to lie, steal, and associate with horrible 'friends'. Drugs tear families apart. Many other parents on this site have had to kick out their adult child. You have a right to feel safe in your own home. You have a right to have calm and peace. It is very difficult, but at times, it needs to be done.

As a new member, have you started a new thread? This site has many members that have gone through dealing with an adult child who is or was addicted. My friend Leafy on this site sadly has 2 daughters on drugs who are homeless. We all do what we have to do. My friend Copa's son was homeless, but is back home now and doing better. It is not an easy road for the parent or child, but it can be done. You will many ups and downs. Sometimes you will be strong in your resolve and at other times, you may have the what ifs, and weaken. We all at times picture our child when he or she were little, out there alone on the street. But, yes, they are adults and we have raised them the best that we could. Please, do not feel guilty. This is not on you.

There are a lot of shelters for daily showers and also beds during the winter. They provide counseling, rehab, mailboxes, and help finding jobs. Also, in my town, a different church or restaurant gives out free meals every night. He will have to prioritize his money now and will have less to spend on drugs, which is a good thing. My son, being schizophrenic, avoids people and thus shelters due to paranoia. But, a lot of homeless people go to shelters, especially until they get their bearings.

If you haven't started a thread, then you should. It will rally the troups. I am truly very sorry that you are going through this painful ordeal, Not a Victim. You will have many ups and downs. Treat yourself with kindness and do something special for yourself today. Please, stay in contact. Take care of yourself.
 
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Feeling Sad

Well-Known Member
Copa, you can sell your hotel room on Transfer Travel.com or Roomer for a 15% fee. I read that 80% of hotels let you change the name on your room. Check your hotel's policy and these sites.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
you can sell your hotel room on Transfer Travel.com or Roomer for a 15% fee. I read that 80% of hotels let you change the name on your room. Check your hotel's policy and these sites.
Wow. I never heard of such a thing. I will check into it. Thank you.
 

Feeling Sad

Well-Known Member
Look up transfer travel first. I don't know which site is the best. They will explain what you need to check out. It really bothered me that you were losing money so I researched...
 

Feeling Sad

Well-Known Member
I did not know that you booked with booking.com.
They are very helpful. I use that site the most. I am glad that things worked out for you.
 

Sunnydaysarebest

New Member
Hi- new to this site but not new to this struggle. Dipping a toe in as this discussion string shakes me to the bone, having made some very very difficult choices years ago that I was sure were mine alone. I’m heartbroken that no strides have been made in this country to make our mental health system any better than it was for me. My son was diagnosed with schizophrenia officially at 20, Upon diagnosis His therapist advised me to let him go, that those diagnosed with his illness used to be locked up in an institution for life. I did not believe it at the time and I loved him so very much. Despite hospitalizations, chaos, medicine changes, programs, violence and therapy (his and mine), I lost him to the streets at 22. Last time we spoke, he accused me of being jealous of his freedom, which made me smile a little as at that time I was a mom with two younger kids, a workaholic husband and a full time job. My son turned 40 last March. I have not seen or heard from him in 18 years....until 3 weeks ago when I was contacted by a community officer in a state thousands of miles away. I’m so relieved that he is alive. The officer sent me his picture and despite all this time, he looks like him. Still thin but wearing a clean shirt and shaven, with the hard dark suspicious eyes of that horrible illness. The last three weeks I keep waiting for my thoughts to settle. He is currently serving 120 day sentence for trespassing. Reading through this string, looking for anything to help me with the decision on what to do, it brings back the terrible struggle of those long past decisions, the heartbreak and sadness of not knowing, and the ‘what should I do??’ situations that reveals no clear path. Today I remain frozen.. a letter partially written.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Welcome.
until 3 weeks ago when I was contacted by a community officer in a state thousands of miles away. I’m so relieved that he is alive.
Wow. What a blessing!

I am stunned by this. I can only imagine how you feel. What resilience on the part of your son. I know that is a surprising thing to say, but I feel it.

I can't know how you or me or anybody would respond in these circumstances. How did the community officer present the situation? Is there a chance your son will be transitioned to some sort of protected housing program with treatment? I don't know what to think or say, because I would want you protected, as well as him.

I don't see a role for you here. Anything you would do could set you up for hurt. I think the responsibility is for this community officer. I think I would defer to him or her, about what to do.

Feeling sad, on whose thread you are writing has been here almost as long as I have, about 4 years. She came here when she was forced to get a restraining order for her son who is a little younger than yours, I think. Since that time he has been living in his car and has access to an inheritance, I think, so that he can get by financially. While she can have no contact with him, she knows he's alive because she is able to follow his bank withdrawals.

It is amazing that your son is okay. How do you think he was able to get by, financially?

This is indeed a blessing. Except how to know how to hold this, I don't know.

Take care.
 

Sunnydaysarebest

New Member
Hi Copa - Thanks for the reply. I felt compelled to jump in on Feeling Sad’s string...It resonated so deeply, echoing a too familiar road and especially the time that has passed, hours filled with despair, strength, hope, sadness and frustration, with no long term right answer to help you sleep at night.

It IS a blessing that I have finally heard of my son, he is breathing, in a kind climate and someone cared enough to search for his story. My immediate reaction was to try talk with him. The community officer told me he has a rap sheet a mile long of nuisance charges- trespassing, stealing food, b&e. He was shocked when I told him I hadn’t heard from him in 18 years. He only asked that I send him a picture from happy time so he could prove that he knew who he is. I believe he was hoping to prove himself a friend, and to convince my son to request medical intervention at the court hearing, which apparently didn’t work as he is located at a prison now.

I so appreciate your words- especially where the next step may lie right now. I have the officers contact information and was able to research him finding a trove of information about his role in the community and successes with the homeless population. I have spoken and texted with him - he will reach back out if he has any more news if, when my son is released, he returns to that community. When I told him he was diagnosed schizophrenic he did say that after all this time, even if my son went into treatment, the chance of success is very low.

Thanks again for your words and caring response. I have always carried the weight & responsibility of my sons illness & disappearance and have not spoken of any of this news to anyone other than my husband. He is my rock but remembers the years before and after, and is in no hurry to return to it.

After all this time I wish I could see him and talk to him. Poignant memories of my amazing, smart, handsome, funny guy he was before the illness stole him from me, still makes my heart ache and my stomach turn to knots. The officer did tell me a few things that will keep me holding tight however. I have to trust in God that there is a reason for all this and it will reveal itself.

Take care of you.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
Dear Sunny,
I just read through your posts. I just want to say how sorry I am for the loss you've experienced of your beautiful son. I have a son, 29 YO, who is mostly likely Bipolar, and I haven't seen him in 18 months. I suspect I may never see him again. I have great respect for you, for your resilience during these years of not knowing. God has sustained you and He will continue to do so. Blessings on you.
 

WiseChoices

Well-Known Member
Welcome!
I have no words of advice for you, unfortunately, but just wanted to say I feel for you and your situation, and I empathize with your feelings of grief, and worry. Sending much love .....
 

tamarann

New Member
I am new to this site. I have a son who is 35 and has paranoid schizophrenia. He lived in his car for a year 10 years ago in a different state because I had gone into his room when he was not home due to flooding. After a year, he returned home. He told me later that " a man kept following him" up there. I got an apartment for him, but he did not charge his phone and would not let us in the gated complex. He did not go to schoo, see friends,l or work. After 4 months he came back home to live.
I have been trying in vain to get him to see a doctor for the last 9 years. I have 2 sisters with schizophrenia and am a special education teacher. I feel guilty because of my DNA, as well as, not being able to help my son while I am able to help others.
He has become increasingly more violent by threatening to kill me and destroying a lot of things. My youngest son is 23 and keeps a knife by his bed for safety. My ill son stabbed my kitchen cabinets and threw objects with such force that they would go through the vinyl flooring to the cement.
The game changer came when he had destroyed the 3rd computer. I became tighter with money and refused to go out with him until he got help. After 10 days of being firm, I said no again to going out to get fast food. He then said that he would have to break something. He started drooling, which he does when he is really psychotic. My youngest son came around the corner and gave me a look as if inquiring, "What is wrong?" I smiled and waved him off because I did not want him to get hurt. He was just leaving. I went around the corner to watch t.v. to try to diffuse the situation. He then started singing, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead". He talks to voices in his room and does not know that I can hear him through the walls. After a while of his talking to his voices I heard him say, "I don't want to kill her. She's my mother". Then he said,"Uh uh. I understand."
Three rounds of this and I ran out to my car. My son had complied with his voices in the past and my sister did when I was little. I asked for a crisis trained officer but was told that I will get who is nearest. The 3 officers had no empathy and refused to even go into the house. They said that legally they could not do anything because he had not threatened me to my face. I said that he has in the past many times. In fact I had called them 2 years ago when he had threatened to cut my face up. At that time they just told me to evict him. I begged them to help me because he had threatened to kill me several times if I call the police and he saw us out the window. They told me to get a restraining order the next day.
My youngest son and I spent 6 days in a hotel while I went to court for an emergency restraining order. I spoke with numerous agencies to try and get an involuntary trreatment in place. I was scared of my son, but also scared for my son.
While the plan was in action, I was kept down the street. My youngest son let a behavioral health worker in while 5 officers secretly took positions. The worker tried to talk to my son through his door for about 5 minutes and there was no response. Then the police grabbed him and pulled him out. He made up a lie about talking out loud when he writes and that he was only joking about killing me. Although he has not worked, gone to school, or seen friends in 9 years, they said that he was acting okay and did not qualify for hospitalization. They served him with the restraining order that had a move out order and then escorted him out of the neighborhood in his car.
I have been told by several therapists that it was a very dangerous situation and to change the locks and put in an alarm system. I am very nervous and have had nightmares. I cannot tell you how it feels to be afraid of your own son. I have read that paranoid schizophrenics who kill usually kill the mother and it is often while the mother is trying to get her son into treatment.
My heart is breaking. My son is now homeless, ill, and scared. He will not go to a shelter because he is afraid of people. I do not know where he is. I can't sleep and cry all the time. Crazy as it sounds, I drove around twice trying to find him. I know that I had to keep my 23 year old son safe, but I am going crazy with fear of my other son being hurt or killing himself. He can't come home because of the restraining order. I have been told that if I am lucky he will be arrested or brought in due to strange behavior. I need help...
I am so sorry you are living through this. Your story made me cry. I hope you are finding some peace in your daily life but I know the fear is all consuming. Hang in there, mama. <3
 

Feeling Sad

Well-Known Member
Dear Sunny,
I am so sorry that so much time has passed. I started back teaching when you posted.

I can't even imagine how you must feel. Are you going to try to see him? Be safe. I have endured 4 years and my heart is always breaking. I put a small amount of money in his account each month. He is alive and moving daily around to different local cities. I can't even imagine 18 years. You are very strong. I am blessed by being a Special Education teacher because at work, I am forced to think of other things. Helping my young charges is rewarding.

It is 1:00 AM. I have insomnia, which I have often. I worry a lot. I will write more later. My good friend just retired from teaching because she is losing her sight. After spending thousands on her Malibu house, because she would have to move when she loses her vision, it burned down during the fires out here in CA. She is struggling to rebuild it. She lost her son in an auto accident when he was a teen. She worked for years in a prison as an art therapist with schizophrenic adults. After I told her about my son, she begged me to move. I do not want to move. This house has memories.

But, she wrote me something very simple that has given me strength. She said, "Be brave and know that you are doing the best that you can". Plain words, yet very helpful. I feel that this would apply to all of the caring parents on this site. Take care.
 

Feeling Sad

Well-Known Member
I am so grateful that I have this site. I am going to London in 3 days, yet my adult middle son will not leave me alone. He is increasingly acting like my schizophrenic son in the early stages.. My heart is literally breaking. Most people before a trip are happily planning for their upcoming adventure. I am anxious and worry about leaving. This is probably going to be my last trip. I know this. I cannot leave my middle son. I have applied to teacher seminars that I will need to politely refuse.

My 2nd son lives with me. He moved back home 2 1/2 years ago. He was only 2 months away from graduating. He was working for the FDA with a grant. He is depressed and suicidal. He is acting like my eldest son, who is schizophrenic, in his early stages. I cannot cut myself off from him. He lives here. He wants to be homeless and kill himself. If I try 'tough love', he will leave. He wants to be homeless. He wants me to watch his Husky. To review, my eldest son is schizophrenic and homeless because he threatened to kill me several times and I had to take out a restraining order on him to protect my youngest son.

I am in my room at 7:30. I am 'grounded' of sorts. He is arguing with me outside of my locked door. I can't watch TV without his yelling at me. He won't leave me alone. I am single. I have no respite.

I purposely stay away from my own house. I HATE this!!! My genes are lousy. I feel guilty about them. I know that I have no control over my genes. But, there it is. I have stress at work and stress at home. I get about 4 hours sleep a night. I am exhausted. I will fall apart with 2 homeless mentally ill sons. I haven't seen my eldest son for 4 1/2 years. I yearn for him. I ache for him. He did not chose to be schizophrenic. He was the sweetest person before becoming ill. As a mother, a piece of me is missing. I cannot take care of him. He is out there, alone, and child-like in many ways. I can't lose 2 of my sons.

My youngest son is now worried that he will become mentally ill. He should not have to worry about this. He should be young and carefree in his 20's. I feel like I have failed as a mother.

People who are profoundly mentally ill do not choose it. They often do not go to therapy due to anosognosia, or lack of insight. I feel like I am falling apart. Yes, some of you may say to kick my son out. He has not worked, gone to school, or seen friends for 2 years. Yet, he is mentally ill. He did not choose to be mentally ill. I pray that he does not have schizophrenia...

He is the 4th person to be mentally ill in my family. My faith is still there, but I ask, "Why?".
 
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