Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Feeling Sad, Jul 7, 2015.

  1. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I am hoping that your hotel will give some of it back. Your reason is not an emergency and it depends on the date that you booked and the date of your expected stay. My hotel offered this, but it was better for me to just go there.

    If the hotel says no, I found a site called Transfer travel.com. You can sell your room online, minus a 15% fee. They stated that 80% of hotels let you change the guests name. Read the hotel cancelation policy. Just an option.
  2. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    There is also Roomer Travel.com.
  3. Victimofanaddict

    Victimofanaddict New Member

    I am going through a very similar experience. My 28 year old son, although working and mostly fully functional is addicted to cocaine and alcohol. He used to use Oxycodone but got off that.
    He has had ADD since he was a child. He is a pathological liar. He is very easily led down the garden path and his "friends" take advantage of him all the time.
    Last night we told him it could not continue. He was not happy with our ideas and decided to leave on his own - he has no money, and only a bag of clothes. This morning I did his laundry and will put it out front for him to pick up, with shampoo and toothpaste.
    But realistically, it's the only way he'll hit rock bottom. I'm sure "friends" (a few good, mostly not) will help him out initially but then he'll have to figure out how to support himself.
    And honestly, I haven't really felt that bad about it. We've been going through this for so long, and he is an adult with a job, that I almost feel relieved.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Your middle son sounds like a good man, a responsible man. I am so sorry for his pain; that this is all so hard. I feel the same way sometimes. I will call the hotel.

    What is roomertravel.com?
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Voa. Why not start your own thread so that people can get to know you?

    The above is what happened to us. When I kicked out my son about 8 years ago he went to live with friends of ours who had a luxe motel on the beach in a famous city. For two years. This is where my son got introduced to marijuana, (heavy use) and settled into a non-productive lifestyle. Then they dropped him. (Of course, understandable. But they did nothing to help him by setting him up and letting him fall.)
    I felt relief too, at first. In fact, that's what happens when I kick him out. I feel relief. I feel strong. But then, within a month, I can't bear it.

    But your situation is different. He is an adult with a job. He can work this out. He is standing on his own feet.

    Yet, I am not sure that there is anything good about hitting bottom. I think sometimes people fall and fall. But the thing is the change has to come from your son. He can find support in the community. There are treatment options and Narcotics Anonymous. I agree with you. There needs to be some sort of separation.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2019
  6. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Dear Victim, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I think that I want to call you 'Not a Victim'. I agree that a family hits a point where it is enough. I started this thread 4 years ago. I have 3 sons. My eldest became schizophrenic and I tried for 9 years to get him to get help. Often, they have anosognosia, or lack of insight, and feel that they are not sick, but rather that we are the ones who are out of contact with reality. He became more and more violent and destructive. I grew up with a schizophrenic sister who was violent. I had to file a restraining order to have him removed by the police because he held a cracked bottle out to my throat and argued with his voices about not wanting to kill me. My youngest son lived with me then and I had to protect him. My worry now is that my second son could be becoming schizophrenic. He is acting like my middle son in the early stages. I am hoping that it is just chronic depression.

    Drug addiction is a mental health condition and takes control over their thinking and behavior. Drugs can ravage their minds. People self-medicate for many reasons . Some are driven to be in altered states. They start to lie, steal, and associate with horrible 'friends'. Drugs tear families apart. Many other parents on this site have had to kick out their adult child. You have a right to feel safe in your own home. You have a right to have calm and peace. It is very difficult, but at times, it needs to be done.

    As a new member, have you started a new thread? This site has many members that have gone through dealing with an adult child who is or was addicted. My friend Leafy on this site sadly has 2 daughters on drugs who are homeless. We all do what we have to do. My friend Copa's son was homeless, but is back home now and doing better. It is not an easy road for the parent or child, but it can be done. You will many ups and downs. Sometimes you will be strong in your resolve and at other times, you may have the what ifs, and weaken. We all at times picture our child when he or she were little, out there alone on the street. But, yes, they are adults and we have raised them the best that we could. Please, do not feel guilty. This is not on you.

    There are a lot of shelters for daily showers and also beds during the winter. They provide counseling, rehab, mailboxes, and help finding jobs. Also, in my town, a different church or restaurant gives out free meals every night. He will have to prioritize his money now and will have less to spend on drugs, which is a good thing. My son, being schizophrenic, avoids people and thus shelters due to paranoia. But, a lot of homeless people go to shelters, especially until they get their bearings.

    If you haven't started a thread, then you should. It will rally the troups. I am truly very sorry that you are going through this painful ordeal, Not a Victim. You will have many ups and downs. Treat yourself with kindness and do something special for yourself today. Please, stay in contact. Take care of yourself.
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2019
  7. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Copa, you can sell your hotel room on Transfer Travel.com or Roomer for a 15% fee. I read that 80% of hotels let you change the name on your room. Check your hotel's policy and these sites.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Wow. I never heard of such a thing. I will check into it. Thank you.
  9. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Look up transfer travel first. I don't know which site is the best. They will explain what you need to check out. It really bothered me that you were losing money so I researched...
  10. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I did not know that you booked with booking.com.
    They are very helpful. I use that site the most. I am glad that things worked out for you.
  11. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    They are good at helping you out.
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2019
  12. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    How are you doing, Voa? I haven't heard from you. I hope that you are doing okay.
  13. Sunnydaysarebest

    Sunnydaysarebest New Member

    Hi- new to this site but not new to this struggle. Dipping a toe in as this discussion string shakes me to the bone, having made some very very difficult choices years ago that I was sure were mine alone. I’m heartbroken that no strides have been made in this country to make our mental health system any better than it was for me. My son was diagnosed with schizophrenia officially at 20, Upon diagnosis His therapist advised me to let him go, that those diagnosed with his illness used to be locked up in an institution for life. I did not believe it at the time and I loved him so very much. Despite hospitalizations, chaos, medicine changes, programs, violence and therapy (his and mine), I lost him to the streets at 22. Last time we spoke, he accused me of being jealous of his freedom, which made me smile a little as at that time I was a mom with two younger kids, a workaholic husband and a full time job. My son turned 40 last March. I have not seen or heard from him in 18 years....until 3 weeks ago when I was contacted by a community officer in a state thousands of miles away. I’m so relieved that he is alive. The officer sent me his picture and despite all this time, he looks like him. Still thin but wearing a clean shirt and shaven, with the hard dark suspicious eyes of that horrible illness. The last three weeks I keep waiting for my thoughts to settle. He is currently serving 120 day sentence for trespassing. Reading through this string, looking for anything to help me with the decision on what to do, it brings back the terrible struggle of those long past decisions, the heartbreak and sadness of not knowing, and the ‘what should I do??’ situations that reveals no clear path. Today I remain frozen.. a letter partially written.
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Wow. What a blessing!

    I am stunned by this. I can only imagine how you feel. What resilience on the part of your son. I know that is a surprising thing to say, but I feel it.

    I can't know how you or me or anybody would respond in these circumstances. How did the community officer present the situation? Is there a chance your son will be transitioned to some sort of protected housing program with treatment? I don't know what to think or say, because I would want you protected, as well as him.

    I don't see a role for you here. Anything you would do could set you up for hurt. I think the responsibility is for this community officer. I think I would defer to him or her, about what to do.

    Feeling sad, on whose thread you are writing has been here almost as long as I have, about 4 years. She came here when she was forced to get a restraining order for her son who is a little younger than yours, I think. Since that time he has been living in his car and has access to an inheritance, I think, so that he can get by financially. While she can have no contact with him, she knows he's alive because she is able to follow his bank withdrawals.

    It is amazing that your son is okay. How do you think he was able to get by, financially?

    This is indeed a blessing. Except how to know how to hold this, I don't know.

    Take care.
  15. Sunnydaysarebest

    Sunnydaysarebest New Member

    Hi Copa - Thanks for the reply. I felt compelled to jump in on Feeling Sad’s string...It resonated so deeply, echoing a too familiar road and especially the time that has passed, hours filled with despair, strength, hope, sadness and frustration, with no long term right answer to help you sleep at night.

    It IS a blessing that I have finally heard of my son, he is breathing, in a kind climate and someone cared enough to search for his story. My immediate reaction was to try talk with him. The community officer told me he has a rap sheet a mile long of nuisance charges- trespassing, stealing food, b&e. He was shocked when I told him I hadn’t heard from him in 18 years. He only asked that I send him a picture from happy time so he could prove that he knew who he is. I believe he was hoping to prove himself a friend, and to convince my son to request medical intervention at the court hearing, which apparently didn’t work as he is located at a prison now.

    I so appreciate your words- especially where the next step may lie right now. I have the officers contact information and was able to research him finding a trove of information about his role in the community and successes with the homeless population. I have spoken and texted with him - he will reach back out if he has any more news if, when my son is released, he returns to that community. When I told him he was diagnosed schizophrenic he did say that after all this time, even if my son went into treatment, the chance of success is very low.

    Thanks again for your words and caring response. I have always carried the weight & responsibility of my sons illness & disappearance and have not spoken of any of this news to anyone other than my husband. He is my rock but remembers the years before and after, and is in no hurry to return to it.

    After all this time I wish I could see him and talk to him. Poignant memories of my amazing, smart, handsome, funny guy he was before the illness stole him from me, still makes my heart ache and my stomach turn to knots. The officer did tell me a few things that will keep me holding tight however. I have to trust in God that there is a reason for all this and it will reveal itself.

    Take care of you.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  16. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Dear Sunny,
    I just read through your posts. I just want to say how sorry I am for the loss you've experienced of your beautiful son. I have a son, 29 YO, who is mostly likely Bipolar, and I haven't seen him in 18 months. I suspect I may never see him again. I have great respect for you, for your resilience during these years of not knowing. God has sustained you and He will continue to do so. Blessings on you.
  17. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I have no words of advice for you, unfortunately, but just wanted to say I feel for you and your situation, and I empathize with your feelings of grief, and worry. Sending much love .....
  18. tamarann

    tamarann New Member

    I am so sorry you are living through this. Your story made me cry. I hope you are finding some peace in your daily life but I know the fear is all consuming. Hang in there, mama. <3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  19. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Dear Sunny,
    I am so sorry that so much time has passed. I started back teaching when you posted.

    I can't even imagine how you must feel. Are you going to try to see him? Be safe. I have endured 4 years and my heart is always breaking. I put a small amount of money in his account each month. He is alive and moving daily around to different local cities. I can't even imagine 18 years. You are very strong. I am blessed by being a Special Education teacher because at work, I am forced to think of other things. Helping my young charges is rewarding.

    It is 1:00 AM. I have insomnia, which I have often. I worry a lot. I will write more later. My good friend just retired from teaching because she is losing her sight. After spending thousands on her Malibu house, because she would have to move when she loses her vision, it burned down during the fires out here in CA. She is struggling to rebuild it. She lost her son in an auto accident when he was a teen. She worked for years in a prison as an art therapist with schizophrenic adults. After I told her about my son, she begged me to move. I do not want to move. This house has memories.

    But, she wrote me something very simple that has given me strength. She said, "Be brave and know that you are doing the best that you can". Plain words, yet very helpful. I feel that this would apply to all of the caring parents on this site. Take care.
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List