Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Triedntrue]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. Have you tried going to Nami? They may be able to give you some support that will make a difference. I suggest your youngest son if he is concerned go with you or depending on his age on his own. You are not responsible for either of your older sons conditions. I am not familiar with the effects of anasognosia so would not dream of advising you about your sons condition but suggest yo go to someone who can. At the very least you might not feel so isolated. Prayers to you and all your sons.

 

[BusynMember1]

NAMI has classes for caretakers of the mentally ill. I am training so that I can facilitate such a group. I found the group very helpful. A few of the people were dealing with schizophrenia. You don't have to be alone. This class is free of cost and run by volunteers who have been there/done that.

Much love and prayers.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling. My heart breaks for you. I will not say, kick him out. But at the same time you can't live like this. You can't do work that is so demanding, on four hours of sleep and constant stress. And there is your health too. What is the stress doing to you?

In your area there will be a Jewish Family Services. They will work with anybody. There are therapists and social workers and case managers. They work with individuals and families, to help them develop and implement plans to handle situations such as yours. There may be help available to you.

He is arguing with me outside of my locked door. I can't watch TV without his yelling at me. He won't leave me alone.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I worked with people who were paranoid schizophrenic. Many were able to accept boundaries, and cooperate to the extent that they did not have to be hospitalized. But that was in prison where there was always security who would enforce limits.

I think your son is bullying you. The worst thing, in my view, is letting this happen and retreating and hiding in your own home. He will only step up his confrontation and intimidation. I think you need either back up or somebody to come in and to help you set and enforce some boundaries. If this keeps going the way it is, what will stop it from becoming like what happened with eldest son?

I also think that he is bullying you through threats of suicide and homelessness. This is how he is gaining his power.

I don't have answers. I know the situation with eldest is horribly painful, but as a far as we know he is okay. Meanwhile middle son is not. And neither are you.

I would urge you to get involved with people and programs that can help you. So that you can share this responsibility with others. I mention Jewish Family Services because I have known it almost all of my life. To me, there is no better social service organization. But in your area there would have to be services oriented more specifically to your needs.

I'm glad you posted. New Leaf is only posting intermittently. She is now caring for her 3 grandchildren and it's a real handful because they have been traumatized. I feel certain she'll respond when she can.

Feeling. Please have a good time on your trip. And try to not dwell on this, so that you can enjoy yourself. You don't mention what this trip is for or about.

I want to add this: you don't know if you're doing the right thing harboring your son. If he's getting worse. You don't know if he would be better off or not, away from you. Having him with you seems not to have really helped him to stabilize. I know you can't bear the sadness of this. Who could? But it's equally or more horrible how you are living. Would you consider returning to therapy?

Love.

 

[BusynMember1]

Schizophrenics do not try to bully to gain power or manipulate for anything, if indeed he has this thought disorder. At least, this is what I have learned in training. It is the cancer of mental illnesses where the mind betrays you. This boy is not asking for money or shelter nor is he taking illegal drugs. He is just very ill in a way most of us have never seen in a loved one.


My heart hurts for both. I don't have answers. Sad is not going to feel better if she makes her second extremely sick son leave, at least I don't think so.

We must do what we can stand to do.

I find this story amongst the saddest I have read. My prayers are with this family.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling. I think you do have some control here.

First, you don't know what is middle son's diagnosis. You may fear it is paranoid schizophrenia, but you're afraid. We are too close to our children to make any meaningful diagnosis. It's my profession and I don't have a clue what is wrong with my son. I mean, I could say about half a dozen possibilities. But exactly what it is, I can't know. I'm too anxious and scared.

I think you could (with help) try to set up some conditions for your son. It must be scary for him too to be out of control. This aggression on his part seems to be increasingly. I remember when he was up north he was sad, but did not seem aggressive. Initially when he came home, he seemed to respond to the support and structure he found in your home, especially when he got the dog.

He could be angry at you because you are allowing him to rampage through your house and rant at you.

I think this is why you need help. Good help.

I know you are afraid because he makes suicidal threats. My son did this too. He only very seldom does anymore. I think he stopped because I followed through and called the police and he went overnight to the emergency psychiatric unit. My son knows now I will not tolerate this.

I think it could be argued that your son is as much at risk if you don't set a boundary, as if you do. And your welfare, to me, is much increased if you begin to set limits. He can't be allowed to rant and rave at you in your house.

What is his insurance situation? What about the possibility of residential treatment?

Feeling. In a few days you will be off to London. Your son will be fine, in your absence. Does he shop for himself? Nothing will be gained by your worrying in the interim.

But I would urge you in the next couple of days to identify some steps you will take to get support (for you) and help to make a game plan with him.

If it is Paranoid Schizophrenia, you already have experience to know where this may go. Whatever the diagnosis your son can respond to treatment. But not with you alone in the house.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh Feeling, I am so very sorry for what you are experiencing. My heart breaks for you and your sons.

Please do not feel you are responsible for this. Sure, genetics can play a role but it's not always about genetics. There are many people who suffer from mental illness and there is no history of it in their family. Just like when I had cancer, there is no history of it in my family. It simply is what it is.
I understand you questioning "why?" but there will never be an answer to this.

I know you do not want your son to be homeless but you also cannot allow yourself to be a prisoner in your own home. This is taking a toll on your overall health.

I ask that you do some forward thinking. What will happen when you can no longer take care of your son? What if you are the one who needs care? There will come a time when you will no longer be here.
It's much better to find a solution for your son now rather than later.

I agree with what the others have offered. There are many resources available to help.
Mental illness for so many years was a taboo subject but in more recent the realness of it has come to light and there are so many more options available to people now than in the past.
I would definitely start with NAMI.

((HUGS)) to you.....................

 

[New Leaf]

Dearest Little Bird,
I am so so sorry for all of your troubles with your sons, for your grieving heart, for living as a prisoner in your own home. I agree with Copa that setting boundaries for yourself is important for both you and your middle son but know that this can be scary. My eldest grand was pushing limits daily, he’s a big boy and could be very intimidating. We were all walking on eggshells waiting for the next raging episode. I couldn’t take it, feared for my two grands and myself. I had to have him removed for his own sake and for safety issues with his siblings. For my own sanity. The social worker tried to have him remain in my home while he received more intense therapy, but I could not fathom waiting
for him to see the light while he was rapidly spiraling. It was clear to me that it was a dangerous situation. His sister is glad he is not in our home. Brother misses him, but not the bullying. I am hoping they all will fare better that dynamics have changed. Eldest grand is now with a paternal aunt and her family. He can’t be singling out and torturing his brother. That is a good thing for both of them.
I honestly don’t know how you do it. I am sorry, but I feel angry for you. Yup, I do. You are such a kind and loving person. You have dealt with so much sorrow and hardship.
Who knows why things happen as they do, they just do. We all can only respond as we see fit, deal with our own unique situations as we can bare to look ourselves in the mirror.
I wonder about our children and their issues, be it addiction or mental health. I feel there is an awful lot of projection towards us, as if we caused their troubles, it is a way for them to continue as is, to put it all on us. That is why I could not continue to house my grandson, he took no responsibility for his behaviors, always excusing his rages because someone “irritated” him. It was not healthy for him or us to think that way. I am studying up on trauma and it’s affects on children’s brains. It is a vicious cycle, when these kids act out, they end up feeling deep shame, humiliated, angry, depressed. It is not my grandsons fault that he was subjected to so much throughout his life. But, he must take responsibility for his behaviors and want help to change.
Feeling, it is not your fault that two of your sons suffer mental illness, It is not their fault either, but it is their responsibility to seek help. I know that may sound harsh to you, considering your eldest does not believe he is mentally ill. You did what you had to do to save your young son and yourself. Now your middle son is with you and it is as you describe a heart wrenching situation. My quote thingee isn’t working, I agree with Copa that your middle son is bullying you and that it may escalate if it remains status quo.
You have lived a very hard life from your experience with your sister. In my studying on traumatized children, I found information about the ACE scale (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and how it effects brain growth. Have you read anything on this? My grands are very high on this scale and I am willing to bet you are too. I had some hardships with emotional bullying from my sister and brother. Reading about sibling bullying has helped me to understand some of my life choices. That I am overly tolerant of maltreatment, a people pleaser, sometimes a perfectionist, my inner voice demeaning myself the way my sibs did. Perhaps if you switched focus to looking inward it could help you figure a way to fight for your right for peace? You don’t deserve to live this way, as if it is some sort of penance for your gene pool. Although your middle son sounds very ill, it could be the ramifications of depression rifling through his brain. I read a piece on depression and it’s effects on the brain. If left untreated it can mimic other illnesses.
The thing is Little Bird, you did not cause this and can’t control it. But, you can slowly take steps to find out how to stand up for yourself. As Tanya says it is much better to act now.
It was a hard choice to remove my eldest grandson. But, the house is more peaceful and his siblings have changed within the week he has been gone. I am not suggesting you kick your son out. But I hope you do see through all these loving, kind and genuinely concerned folks that something needs to be done. Maybe that something is to look into your past and see if old patterns are driving the bus. For both you and your son. You can’t change him, but you can learn to stand up for yourself. I know it’s difficult living in a small town, your fear of job security, lest word get out about your eldest and others fearing danger. Maybe that’s an old pattern too, keeping family secrets? I see that with my grands, they don’t want people to know what they have suffered, even their therapist. It keeps them closed mouthed and defensive. But I know that keeping it all inside will slowly poison them. Feeling despite all of the horrible things you have experienced, you are such a lovely person. You don’t deserve to live like this.
Please find help Little Bird.
Much love,
Leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Feeling

It's months since you last posted. When I don't hear from you I miss you. You would be off school, or at least working from home. How are you doing? I think about you, hope you are doing well, and would like to know how things are. It's so many years now that we've been together. Five, almost, I think. Love.

 

[Beta]

Feeling...I've read through your posts and just wanted to say that I too am so sorry for the heartbreak you're dealing with right now. Glad you found this site.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Greetings, Copa, New Leaf, and others. I am truly sorry that it has been so long. I am just barely holding on. I remote taught my class and stayed home mostly since March 19th because I am high risk. I miss teaching terribly, but most of my students rose to the occasion and did very well with remote learning and completed most, if not all, of the assignments. I feel sorry for them. We have lived a 'normal' life, but they are just starting.

I am here with my middle son. He has gone back onto antidepressants, but stopped therapy after a brief try. He has become very verbally abusive and somewhat physically abusive. He threw my teacher manuals across the room and tore them last week and this week he poured a diet soda over my head. I should have told him to leave earlier. He wants to leave because he does not like how he is treating me and apologizes all of the time. But, I live in fear of him. It is pushing all of my PTSD buttons. Now, with covid, he cannot leave unless it is to kill himself, which he threatens weekly. Tonight, he crossed the line. I have been sad and numb for weeks. I work hard as a teacher, but during my off hours of relaxing, he verbally tears me down. I have had a week of vacation. Tonight he said that he had better leave before I call the cops on him, like I did to his older brother. Everyday, my heart breaks for my eldest schizophrenic son. My middle son is acting like he did 3 years in, but I cannot handle losing contact with him, as well. Yesterday, it was exactly 5 years since I filed a restraining order against my schizophrenic son for arguing with his voices to kill me, after he had threatened to kill me numerous times. I ache and worry everyday.

Yet, I cannot even think of losing my 2nd son. He wants me to take care of his beloved Husky and kill himself. But, I cannot handle any more verbal abuse. I am unraveling. I am strong, but I am starting to numb out. I want 'normal'. I have not had 'normal' since I was 11. I am in a quandary. I cannot handle being torn down daily, but yet I know that I will fall apart with a 2nd son out there without contact. His phone is dying and he is not buying a new one. Also, I cannot tell him to leave, although he keeps threatening, during the covid pandemic.

So...here I sit locked in my room. PDST is strong. I want to hide and curl up into a ball. I am not afraid, yet I do not want to confront him. I am on autopilot. All of my trauma is rising up. My past is still there. I cannot leave, nor see a friend, due to covid. Blessedly, I have my friends here on this site. I have had turmoil for over 50 years. I am tired. I have gone to therapy and texted my therapist that I have not seen since lock down for help. I figure that I can leave to charge my car's battery, because I cannot speak freely here. I cannot do anything freely here...

 

[Kalahou]

Aloha Feeling,
I am glad I came to the forum tonight and saw your post. I think of you very often and have wondered when you would return to “visit” here. Feeling, you were the very first one to respond to my initial post about my own son, when I was so confused and weak with despair almost 5 years ago. My difficult son is the age of your oldest son, I believe. (now 40 yrs. old).

I know your great heart for your students and your passion for teaching and your strength to continue day by day with all that is happening in your personal life. And now the Covid limitations contribute even more in restricting efforts at normalcy, keeping you away from your classroom and teacher gatherings.

I am so sorry to hear about your middle son’s decline in the past years. I can only imagine the desperate pain you feel that you might lose him also. I just want you to know that I send you peaceful and strengthening thoughts, love, and prayers. Sometimes I think what matters most is not the struggle but where we find our peace. I know coming here to share our grief and sorrow brings a belonging and peace in knowing others understand and care.

I am also tired, as you said. I am in my 70s. I just do not want to confront my son either. It is not healthy for me and makes me feel like I will rapidly go down in health. Largely due to the difficulties of my son, I continue working full time, just to be able to be on “autopilot” and not have to think of him and the troubles that go with it. My work is a saving grace for me.

While you have shared your pain about your eldest and middle son, how is your younger son doing now? Are you in contact with him? Is he living far from you? Just know with certainty that your sons know your love and your huge heart of caring for them all.

Feeling, we are here with you and wrap you in our comfort and understanding. I must believe for myself that no matter what happens, that you and me (all of us) can and will come through these times, as through an annealing process. We will survive stronger, and the splintered parts of our soul will be alright.

Take care, dear. Bless.
Kalahou

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Feeling

I am glad you posted. It's a start. I can't post at length now but will return later today. This is what I will say now, which is what I think. The largest part of our life is our internal life with our own thoughts and feelings. I believe this is true for most of us. Unfortunately, for those of us with a history of trauma, and yours is nearly lifelong, we can't trust our own feelings and thoughts to give us solace. They are often our harshest tormentors. We wake up terrorized and can't fall asleep, for the same.

Right now it seems as if almost everything in your life has become an instrument of terror. And on top of it, Coronavirus. While most people don't have the circumstances you're dealing with, most everybody has something. I read yesterday that alcoholism, addiction, domestic violence and abuse has skyrocketed during the past 3 months.

Now that school is winding down you will have time to add activities that could help you. Little things can make a remarkable difference. TheNYT online is always telling us what we can do to help ourselves, in these times. That is because everybody, or almost, is suffering.

An online meditation group (on Zoom), an online Art class (The Art Students League in NY City has offerings, as do many California Community Colleges), an online group in spirituality. I know you will balk at each of these, but you have to offer yourself respite. Nobody will do it for you. The issues with middle son are another matter, but you are also need to step out of this battle within yourself. Have you been walking? I guarantee you if you built up to walking 1 hour a day, doing artwork in your room, begin an online correspondence with 2 women across the world, not focused on your children, meditating everyday, establishing a small kitchen garden, even if things were to remain the same, you would change. Churches and synagogues are all meeting online, on Facebook and Zoom. I love it. I also believe in housework. But that may not be possible with your son dominating the house.

I recognize you are depressed. Which feels like walking through wet concrete. It's time to be kind to you, Feeling.

I will come back later. You are not alone Feeling. Love, Copa

 

[RN0441]

Feeling

What a sad post. I am so sorry for the way you have to live right now. I honestly hope and pray that something changes soon for you.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Feeling

First let me tell you how sorry I am things have gotten even harder for you. And even worse than that the circumstances that all of us are living through are making it harder.

I am not going to write about your son, because that is something only you can know. I will only say where I am now with respect to my own son.

Each of us comes into this world with a life to live. There are some people who believe that we come into this life with a mission that is specific to us.

We as mothers can't take away the lives that our sons were given. We can't take away the pain. Even by absorbing all of it with our bodies and minds, we can't take away their pain, frustration and anger. They only make more. No matter how ill is my son, I have not succeeded in protecting him. Not his health nor his mental health. But he can deal with these things himself. And he must.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Merry Christmas to all! I have missed all of you! Hi, Copa and Leafy, my dear sisters!

I am so very sorry that I have been away for so long. Remote teaching was very consuming. All tests and worksheets had to be digitized which takes time.

It has been 6 1/2 years since I saw my eldest son. It hurts more than before. When the fear of his returning to kill me ebbs, I am left with a soul wrenching ache of a mother's severed bond. Again, his schizophrenia is not his fault. He has anosognosia, or lack of insight. He does not realize that his delusions and voices are not real. He is like a tortured child out there. When I am in my warm bed, I picture his tall frame trying to stretch out and keep warm in his dilapidated car. I ache to see my son.

My middle son has been mentally ill for 4 1/2 years. He is not as angry with me, but is getting worse in his strange behavior. He is acting like my eldest son 4 years in. I pray that it is just severe depression or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and not schizophrenia. He has not worked, returned to college, or seen friends in over 4 years. He does not like going outside when there are people outside. He sings silly songs and repeats phrases constantly. He is different from my eldest son because he apologizes to me a lot.

This May, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. His tumor doubled in size in just 3 weeks. He had surgery in June. In Oct, we discovered that it had spread to his lymph nodes near his kidneys, behind his duodenum. He had to go to the hospital due to excessive throwing up and back pain from the 2 tumors growing. It takes so long for his insurance to approve testing or procedures. We are now at 2 months out. Tests were performed to start chemo, but his Oncologist discovered that his 2 tumors consist mainly of teratoma, which does not respond to chemo or radiation. They need surgical removal. He finally received approval to go to USC, for the major surgery, a RPLND, because only a few large teaching hospitals can perform it. I pray that it does not spread further.

I cannot even explain to you the sheer agony that I feel watching my son go through the fear of having aggressive cancer while struggling with his mental illness. It is unfair that my son has both. I got annoyed the other day because he kept repeating the same phrase for hours....for years. I felt horrible that I got mad. He returned to the room and apologized, but said that he cannot stop saying it because he is so anxious. Then I really felt angry with myself. I don't sleep and feel like I am going crazy with grief.

I pray that this New Year brings a renewal of hope to us all and an internal feeling of peace. I know that all of you on this sight deserve this prayer. Take care and stay strong.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Feeling. I prayed you would write just in the past week or so, and you have! Oh I feel so much pain with you and for you and your sons. I suffer with you and for you, Feeling. Leafy came back maybe about 6 months ago for a few weeks. There was a crisis because she feared her newborn granddaughter would go into the system, for lack of care by her daughter--but the baby was placed with her auntie. It was so glad to have New Leaf back. Alas, I am the only one here. I try to leave but can't.

My middle son has been mentally ill for 4 1/2 years. He is not as angry with me, but is getting worse in his strange behavior. He is acting like my eldest son 4 years in.

I am so very sorry Feeling.

This May, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Oh no.

I pray that it does not spread further.

I pray with you.

In the time you were gone not posting when I thought of you, you were taking all kinds of trips all over the world. Oh how iI wish it had been so.

My son still refuses treatment. When I don't house him, he is homeless. A couple of mental health professionals in drop-in settings, have diagnosed him with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder but nobody I have confidence in. I refuse to accept it. But still, something has to explain why he can't function at more than a baseline level and hasn't for many years.

Feeling. I wish you a Merry Christmas. I pray with all of my heart for your sons. Love, Copa
,

 

[Feeling Sad]

Hi, Copa! I wish that I had been traveling. I don't think that your son has schizophrenia. I hope that he does not. He needs to have delusions or halucinations. He might not share them. He does not hear voices, right? There are other mental illnesses that he can have, but it does not sound like schizophrenia. You would overhear him speaking to voices. I used to hear my eldest in his room talking. I prayed that he was speaking to our dog. But, sadly, when our dog passed, he was still talking.

I hope that you have a great evening. Thank you for responding so quickly. Take care.

 

[Copabanana]

I forgot to tell you how much I missed you, and never, ever forgot anything.

I sure hope you're right. No auditory hallucinations. And he doesn't look like he hears internal stimuli. I couple of visual hallucinations maybe, Feeling. But maybe body dysmorphic and paranoid delusions. Being watched, and lately followed.

I am so glad you're back!!! Have a great evening. I am doing nothing on Amazon but now will read a mystery. I cooked for M and J this afternoon. I was so happy because J acted half-normal. What a life! Love, Copa

 

[RN0441]

Feeling Sad

So glad to hear from you and I'm so sorry about your sons.

Many prayers coming your way. I give you so much credit for your optimism in spite of the things that life has thrown into your path.

I am sure you will be rewarded grandly some day for all of your suffering. I really believe that.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling

I am worried you will leave again soon. You're on vacation and school will be starting up again soon. I will pray for your son, that he gets through the operation and stabilizes, and that both of you find some peace and calm. And I pray for your oldest son, too. So many years together you and I, and Leafy. I want to tell you that even when you're not here my heart is with you. Love, Copa