Found out daughter is a sexual predator--help!
- Thread starter kwioake
- Start date
Thank you all for sharing so openly your experience and wisdom learned. My husband read these responses too and we both feel very overwhelmed, but are definitely taking in all the advice. I totally agree that we need to protect the rest of society and our family. We have told four different therapists (our personal therapists plus our daughters), a psychiatrist, CPS) and no one seems as urgent as you guys. People's non-reaction has made us feel kind of crazy...We are going to continue to make phone calls (we called a lawyer who also acted like she would just get probation if the police were notified) to find out what our options are.
JJJ
Active Member
Oh, dealing with mental health professionals is very crazy-making! When you need some dark humor laughs, read here: http://www.conductdisorders.com/for...-your-most-useless-psychiatrist-advice-23074/
I think the winner for most stupid advice was when (I think it was Daisy's difficult child's therapist) said that her difficult child should get a reward if she refrained from physically attacking her brother 5 out of 7 days.
buddy
New Member
I think it is hard for people to see girls as sexual predators and also to think of kids that way. I am sure her overall story pulls at heart strings too. Most general people out there think that LOVE is enough. But as you quickly found out LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. In fact there are books called that.
Most of us have lived partial forms of your story so we DO get it and that is why you probably hear our passion in the responses compared to strangers who do not know what it is to love a child with such serious issues. It would be wonderful for you to put your head in the sand and listen to them, but you would not be here if you did not have the gut feeling that their responses are underwhelming.
I get where the other adoptive poster is coming from , IF there were intensive OP supports and IF your child was younger... that would be one thing. But she is older and she is at a dangerous point.
Sadly she is not likely developmentally 15 but legally she is.
You both sound like wonderful people, and me being me, I have to think your daughter also has some wonderful points. But she needs protection from HERSELF. she has no clue how all of this could impact her life. She may not be able to have a clue. What the others (cps, docs etc.) dont have to do compared with yourselves.... they dont have to think where she is going to be at age 25. You have a child who could be in prison at that age if you do not do something. Since I view her as totally disabled in this area, she is not only a risk to others but is vulnerable to her own serious problems. I always tell my son's staff, is he is not supervised as is in his plan (24 hour visual supervision) then we have let him down. it is so much work and my son is 15 too, so I have been at this a long time..... but it is what has to happen. IF that is not possible with your daughter, she needs to be somewhere where it is possible. It does not mean you are not parenting her or she will never live with you and there are visit and overnights and holidays etc. still to look forward to. It would kill me if I was at that place (and have been a couple of times) but I know some day I may need to go there.
Keep on checking in , I am thinking of you and will be waiting for an update.
Most of us have lived partial forms of your story so we DO get it and that is why you probably hear our passion in the responses compared to strangers who do not know what it is to love a child with such serious issues. It would be wonderful for you to put your head in the sand and listen to them, but you would not be here if you did not have the gut feeling that their responses are underwhelming.
I get where the other adoptive poster is coming from , IF there were intensive OP supports and IF your child was younger... that would be one thing. But she is older and she is at a dangerous point.
Sadly she is not likely developmentally 15 but legally she is.
You both sound like wonderful people, and me being me, I have to think your daughter also has some wonderful points. But she needs protection from HERSELF. she has no clue how all of this could impact her life. She may not be able to have a clue. What the others (cps, docs etc.) dont have to do compared with yourselves.... they dont have to think where she is going to be at age 25. You have a child who could be in prison at that age if you do not do something. Since I view her as totally disabled in this area, she is not only a risk to others but is vulnerable to her own serious problems. I always tell my son's staff, is he is not supervised as is in his plan (24 hour visual supervision) then we have let him down. it is so much work and my son is 15 too, so I have been at this a long time..... but it is what has to happen. IF that is not possible with your daughter, she needs to be somewhere where it is possible. It does not mean you are not parenting her or she will never live with you and there are visit and overnights and holidays etc. still to look forward to. It would kill me if I was at that place (and have been a couple of times) but I know some day I may need to go there.
Keep on checking in , I am thinking of you and will be waiting for an update.
klmno
Active Member
I'm glad you came back but am sorry you feel overwhelmed- although it's understandable. We really aren't catastrophic thinkers here, it's just we (collectively) have seen where situations with our kids can lead us and the sooner we get things diocumented and learn who in the real world is helping and who is BS'ing, the quicker we can be more effective in our efforts with our kids. You have done a good job by contacting these various people- it gets things documented in several places and shows your ddesire to do whatever should be done. This is a concern because even though it might not lead to a legal issue this time, without intervention it probably will in the future and most states/jurisdictions will look at the parents as the cause first- well, maybe not the cause but the first question will most liikely be "what have the parents done to prevent this or address this"? So, you have tried to cover that. Given that even cps isn't taking this too serious, I'd recommend switching from private therapists to the local mental health dept. I cringed when it was recommended to me for my son because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the private therapists and psychiatris were much more competent, educated, and experienced than those in our local mental health dept. So I didn't do it. However, what that meant was that once my son got in trouble legally, the first gov agency he was in was Department of Juvenile Justice, not dpet. of mental health- and what that means is that Department of Juvenile Justice calls the shots, not mental health. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't want my son to get off scott free for what he'd done wrong, but in the state I'm in, the first agency that gets the child has to cover the cost of all services so that means he can't get gov provided services from any agency other than Department of Juvenile Justice and those services will never do anything exxcept a behavior contract and now, anger management classes. If he'd gotten into the mental health dept first, he still could have been in trouble legally but would have gotten services from MH on top of it.
Sorry- I got off track- I think an appointment/evaluation from your local MH dept would be my next step and tell them all the people you've contacted and what they have told you. I'm assuming she goes to a public school- if so, you can bet that if/when they catch wind of this, they are going to have an issue if some public agency isn't involved.
Sorry- I got off track- I think an appointment/evaluation from your local MH dept would be my next step and tell them all the people you've contacted and what they have told you. I'm assuming she goes to a public school- if so, you can bet that if/when they catch wind of this, they are going to have an issue if some public agency isn't involved.
klmno
Active Member
And yes, as jjj pointed out- they are a real PITA to deal with because some of them are completely whacky.
Buddy brings out some good points too.
Most of all, just remember you have a soft place to land here and while there will be many different opinions expressed here, and maybe advice will differ sometimes, we aren't here to judge you. I am hinestly impressed about how you'd done all this and held up so far. I'd be a basket case if it was me.
Buddy brings out some good points too.
Most of all, just remember you have a soft place to land here and while there will be many different opinions expressed here, and maybe advice will differ sometimes, we aren't here to judge you. I am hinestly impressed about how you'd done all this and held up so far. I'd be a basket case if it was me.
A lot of other people don't really believe us when we say our kid did something that drastic/severe/dangerous. I had a sp ed teacher once ask me why I thought it was a big deal that my 11yo was waking up in the middle of the night and going for a 2 hr walk in the dark. Alone. 11yo. 2 am. in the dark. No one knew where he was. What was the big deal?
I called and asked her boss why the new elem school sp ed teacher thought it was perfectly fine for a child to get up and go for a walk all alone at 2 am? Why the teacher didn't have the judgement to know that the child could be hurt, killed or blamed for almost anything and we would have no way to find him or to defend him if someone else was hurt and he got blamed? If I had gone out and left my 11yo home alone, sound asleep at 2 am, I could have been charged with neglect, endangerment or toher things, but for him to go out on his own was just fine. Gives you some idea of the level of common sense that not all of these people have.
How are the neighbors reacting? That would be a HUGE fear of mine, mostly because I lived in a town where lawsuits were the hobby and neighbors were quick to call their atty's. I am sure the parents are upset, but do they realize the level of abuse that has happened? Are they taking their kids for help or are they just expecting the child to "get over it" or treat it as "kids exploring their bodies" or some other stupidity? If other parents have not called cps, then cps may think you are crying wolf for attention. You, and/or the tdocs involved with your family may need to report that the other kids have been reported if the parents have not reported it. Kids don't just forget. Trust me.
Many will think "what do you want me to do?" when you report a girl has abused another child. They will see it differently if the report is that a girl was abused by another child. I don't know why, but so many think girls can't be the sexual predator, or if the girl is older and a boy is involved it is okay. Same idiots see 15yo boys who have sex with teachers as being "lucky".
Push them to see how serious it is. Even if you have to go and push your daughter until she spills the whole ugly mess of what she did to someone at the phsop or Residential Treatment Center (RTC). When it spews out of the child, it will be seen as different by that person. They will see the hate and need for power/control that is the reason for her actions.
Don't let them tell you it isn't a big deal. Just as we tell our kids - tell somoene and keep telling people until they stop it. I know many kids who told people who did nothing or didn't believe it and they never again spoke of it. I worked hard to get my kids to keep telling. If the first person or dozen people are too thick to see how much this hurts those involved, tell someone else until you tell someone who believes you.
I do suggest you go to the nearest large police dept, be it city, county, state or federal level, and find their sex crimes unit. Tell the people in that unit. THEY will see the seriousness. Just because the cop on the street or at the school doesn't, doesn't mean all cops won't. IF the first group ignores you, go to the next biggest org with a sex crimes or sex crimes against children unit.
You daughter is damaged. She IS disabled and likely unable to not do this. She and society need to be protected from her. The problem is that resources for this are scarce and no one really knows what to do with a girl who sexually abuses other kids. Or really with a boy who does. My son almost ended up with the sexual predator label. NOT because he has a sexual problem, but he learned he could control his sister by making fun of her on the toilet, and of her body. Becoming a sexual predator isn't an all or nothing thing. Ther are levels and steps. Wiz attended a group for sex offenders when he was in the psychiatric hospital at age 12. They described becoming a sexual predator as climbing a ladder. Wiz was playing iwth the first level - making fun of Jess for her sexuality and when on the toilet. LOTS of kids do this at times, but they don't go further and it isn't so much done on purpose as done as they learn how to be a good friend, etc.... (learn we don't tease others, we treat them the way they want to be treated, etc....). The aspergers made Wiz not see things so clearly and act differently than most kids. Jess got upset so Wiz got a payoff, and he did it more often. The group stopped it totally. Actually helped stop a LOT of other stuff that he did to hurt her too.
This group had boys 12-17, mostly under age 15 though. One boy who was a couple years older than Wiz got really really angry when Wiz said something about Jess "earning" or "deserving" some abuse he gave her. The boy was just learning that others have feelings and had just learned that the little sis he abused was hurt by somoene else. He saw himself in how Wiz spoke of Jessie, and he punched Wiz in the face. Hard. The psychiatric hospital staff was NOT happy that I would not press charges. Neither was Wiz, but the kid punching him and then me "taking the kid's side" instead of Wiz' side, made a HUGE impact. Wiz started to see how wrong he was and that was the day he started to make real changes. It was long and bumpy, but it was the road to a positive future for him.
I don't know where your daughter is on that ladder, and others might not use that metaphor to describe how severe her offender behavior is, but that is the analogy that I know for it.
I hope you can get some help in place.
I know we sound like we are catastrophizing and that others don't see it as a big deal right now. Keep pushing to get the help she needs. Don't take no for an answer. Call different law enforcement agencies until you find someone who cares and can/will help you.
I called and asked her boss why the new elem school sp ed teacher thought it was perfectly fine for a child to get up and go for a walk all alone at 2 am? Why the teacher didn't have the judgement to know that the child could be hurt, killed or blamed for almost anything and we would have no way to find him or to defend him if someone else was hurt and he got blamed? If I had gone out and left my 11yo home alone, sound asleep at 2 am, I could have been charged with neglect, endangerment or toher things, but for him to go out on his own was just fine. Gives you some idea of the level of common sense that not all of these people have.
How are the neighbors reacting? That would be a HUGE fear of mine, mostly because I lived in a town where lawsuits were the hobby and neighbors were quick to call their atty's. I am sure the parents are upset, but do they realize the level of abuse that has happened? Are they taking their kids for help or are they just expecting the child to "get over it" or treat it as "kids exploring their bodies" or some other stupidity? If other parents have not called cps, then cps may think you are crying wolf for attention. You, and/or the tdocs involved with your family may need to report that the other kids have been reported if the parents have not reported it. Kids don't just forget. Trust me.
Many will think "what do you want me to do?" when you report a girl has abused another child. They will see it differently if the report is that a girl was abused by another child. I don't know why, but so many think girls can't be the sexual predator, or if the girl is older and a boy is involved it is okay. Same idiots see 15yo boys who have sex with teachers as being "lucky".
Push them to see how serious it is. Even if you have to go and push your daughter until she spills the whole ugly mess of what she did to someone at the phsop or Residential Treatment Center (RTC). When it spews out of the child, it will be seen as different by that person. They will see the hate and need for power/control that is the reason for her actions.
Don't let them tell you it isn't a big deal. Just as we tell our kids - tell somoene and keep telling people until they stop it. I know many kids who told people who did nothing or didn't believe it and they never again spoke of it. I worked hard to get my kids to keep telling. If the first person or dozen people are too thick to see how much this hurts those involved, tell someone else until you tell someone who believes you.
I do suggest you go to the nearest large police dept, be it city, county, state or federal level, and find their sex crimes unit. Tell the people in that unit. THEY will see the seriousness. Just because the cop on the street or at the school doesn't, doesn't mean all cops won't. IF the first group ignores you, go to the next biggest org with a sex crimes or sex crimes against children unit.
You daughter is damaged. She IS disabled and likely unable to not do this. She and society need to be protected from her. The problem is that resources for this are scarce and no one really knows what to do with a girl who sexually abuses other kids. Or really with a boy who does. My son almost ended up with the sexual predator label. NOT because he has a sexual problem, but he learned he could control his sister by making fun of her on the toilet, and of her body. Becoming a sexual predator isn't an all or nothing thing. Ther are levels and steps. Wiz attended a group for sex offenders when he was in the psychiatric hospital at age 12. They described becoming a sexual predator as climbing a ladder. Wiz was playing iwth the first level - making fun of Jess for her sexuality and when on the toilet. LOTS of kids do this at times, but they don't go further and it isn't so much done on purpose as done as they learn how to be a good friend, etc.... (learn we don't tease others, we treat them the way they want to be treated, etc....). The aspergers made Wiz not see things so clearly and act differently than most kids. Jess got upset so Wiz got a payoff, and he did it more often. The group stopped it totally. Actually helped stop a LOT of other stuff that he did to hurt her too.
This group had boys 12-17, mostly under age 15 though. One boy who was a couple years older than Wiz got really really angry when Wiz said something about Jess "earning" or "deserving" some abuse he gave her. The boy was just learning that others have feelings and had just learned that the little sis he abused was hurt by somoene else. He saw himself in how Wiz spoke of Jessie, and he punched Wiz in the face. Hard. The psychiatric hospital staff was NOT happy that I would not press charges. Neither was Wiz, but the kid punching him and then me "taking the kid's side" instead of Wiz' side, made a HUGE impact. Wiz started to see how wrong he was and that was the day he started to make real changes. It was long and bumpy, but it was the road to a positive future for him.
I don't know where your daughter is on that ladder, and others might not use that metaphor to describe how severe her offender behavior is, but that is the analogy that I know for it.
I hope you can get some help in place.
I know we sound like we are catastrophizing and that others don't see it as a big deal right now. Keep pushing to get the help she needs. Don't take no for an answer. Call different law enforcement agencies until you find someone who cares and can/will help you.
DDD
Well-Known Member
Adding my supportive thoughts. I don't know if Dr. Drew has a website like Dr. Phil does where you can seek information on problems but one evening this week the topic was the sexualization of children in todays society, commency of molestation and statistics that were a bit mindboggling. It might be worth look on those two sites for information on similar situations and suggestions for coping. I am so sorry that you were blindsided and pray that help is found soon. Hugs. DDD
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
One thing I didnt mention was I did help a friend with a situation somewhat like this only it was a 14 year old boy who molested his younger sisters..
Now I wouldnt be so up at arms if we were talking about preschool aged kids playing doctor. That is perfectly normal and I think most of us have done that. There is even a thread on that in the archives. When it comes down to a child as much older as your daughter from the victims, then it turns into a criminal act. Why no member of law enforcement is treating this as a problem I dont understand. I had a friend years ago whose 14 year old son was prosecuted for simply patting a 12 year old girl on her butt with his hand. he didnt mean it in a sexual way but her shorts had rode down and her underwear were showing at the top so his hand touched them and he ended up being charged as an adult and he is carrying the adult label as a sex offender for the rest of his life.
Now I wouldnt be so up at arms if we were talking about preschool aged kids playing doctor. That is perfectly normal and I think most of us have done that. There is even a thread on that in the archives. When it comes down to a child as much older as your daughter from the victims, then it turns into a criminal act. Why no member of law enforcement is treating this as a problem I dont understand. I had a friend years ago whose 14 year old son was prosecuted for simply patting a 12 year old girl on her butt with his hand. he didnt mean it in a sexual way but her shorts had rode down and her underwear were showing at the top so his hand touched them and he ended up being charged as an adult and he is carrying the adult label as a sex offender for the rest of his life.
SRL
Active Member
The reality in tough economic times--and even before--is that longer term residential treatment is outrageously expensive and funding is rarely available. The reality is that most families will be limited in what they can make happen until entering the criminal system when court-ordered treatment, restrictions, and/or incarceration become the more likely options.
Again, thanks for the support (I keep repeating this but you all know that it is so easy to feel alone out here). We had our best friends over last night who know our daughter and their compassion was helpful. We are thinking now of:
1) recontacting the lawyer.
2) going forward with the CRCG (this is a representative from MHMR) --- they will be meeting on our daughter's case mid February (first possible meeting time).
3) researching long term treatment. unfortunately, there is nothing close to where we live.
4) contacting a local therapist who has been identified by the state as a sexual offender therapist just to see what suggestions they have.
5) looking into SSI benefits/whether she may qualify.
Our neighbors have moved...pretty extreme. They owned rental properties...one of which is vacant so we are assuming they moved into one of these. Our suspicion is they have their own issues (apart from our daughter) which makes them not want to talk to the police.
What I think (not know, but think) is that my daughter was molested at a very young age. She was in a very bad orphanage for six years. This was really not an orphanage but a place in India where mentally ill people, criminals, homeless people, and orphans were housed and it was basically run by the police. From the time we adopted her, the one thing she would say is that she lived in a hole and nobody talked to her or fed her...that is her perception but it doesn't sound pretty. She has been hostile from day one. In India, she spit on me, threw things at me and I had to physically restrain her to stop her from bolting (fortunately she was only 50 pounds at the time). As she has gotten older (and on medications), her fits and melt downs subsided, but the underlying hostility never has. She has always hated herself, hated her skin color, and repeatedly told us she wants another family.
I had an epiphany moment last night when i realized that she has never been comfortable living outside an institution. When we first brought her home, she hated having her own room (at the time, my two boys shared a room). She was used to noise, chaos and a lot of children. Beyond everything else, I think her place of comfort has always been this kind of environment which she has attempted to create in our home (chaos and loudness, constant drama). She has never been physically violent but she has done things like punching holes in the wall, urinating on the floor purposely (and years ago defacating), destroying anything we give her (from clothes to a porcelain doll to ripping up photographs to ripping clothes)...She doesn't have a conscience. Her only motivation for behaving has been any immediate rewards/consequences. Whenever I've expressed emotion (anger or sadness), she has never reacted with any compassion/adjustment to her behavior. She has a pattern of being involved in obsessive friendships but then dropping these friends and moving on....no real attachment.
We are open to contacting law enforcement...again our fear is it will cost us money (in fines, lawyers) but not result in treatment/placement for our daughter but we are willing...
1) recontacting the lawyer.
2) going forward with the CRCG (this is a representative from MHMR) --- they will be meeting on our daughter's case mid February (first possible meeting time).
3) researching long term treatment. unfortunately, there is nothing close to where we live.
4) contacting a local therapist who has been identified by the state as a sexual offender therapist just to see what suggestions they have.
5) looking into SSI benefits/whether she may qualify.
Our neighbors have moved...pretty extreme. They owned rental properties...one of which is vacant so we are assuming they moved into one of these. Our suspicion is they have their own issues (apart from our daughter) which makes them not want to talk to the police.
What I think (not know, but think) is that my daughter was molested at a very young age. She was in a very bad orphanage for six years. This was really not an orphanage but a place in India where mentally ill people, criminals, homeless people, and orphans were housed and it was basically run by the police. From the time we adopted her, the one thing she would say is that she lived in a hole and nobody talked to her or fed her...that is her perception but it doesn't sound pretty. She has been hostile from day one. In India, she spit on me, threw things at me and I had to physically restrain her to stop her from bolting (fortunately she was only 50 pounds at the time). As she has gotten older (and on medications), her fits and melt downs subsided, but the underlying hostility never has. She has always hated herself, hated her skin color, and repeatedly told us she wants another family.
I had an epiphany moment last night when i realized that she has never been comfortable living outside an institution. When we first brought her home, she hated having her own room (at the time, my two boys shared a room). She was used to noise, chaos and a lot of children. Beyond everything else, I think her place of comfort has always been this kind of environment which she has attempted to create in our home (chaos and loudness, constant drama). She has never been physically violent but she has done things like punching holes in the wall, urinating on the floor purposely (and years ago defacating), destroying anything we give her (from clothes to a porcelain doll to ripping up photographs to ripping clothes)...She doesn't have a conscience. Her only motivation for behaving has been any immediate rewards/consequences. Whenever I've expressed emotion (anger or sadness), she has never reacted with any compassion/adjustment to her behavior. She has a pattern of being involved in obsessive friendships but then dropping these friends and moving on....no real attachment.
We are open to contacting law enforcement...again our fear is it will cost us money (in fines, lawyers) but not result in treatment/placement for our daughter but we are willing...
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
The only reason that we, as parents, did not get into extreme trouble for the child's sexual abuse was because we called CPS as soon as we found ou what he had been doingt. If your child hurts somebody else's child and it is documented that you knew she was dangerous, I'm not sure what they would do. If anything. But we were told, by people far more "in the know" than we are, to call CPS or it could be OUR tails on the line. We could lose our other kids. Because we had two kids that he perped on, CPS was in our lives for a long time, but they were very helpful and sympathetic. If we had not called them almost right away, I am not sure what would have happened.
You have GREAT insight into your daughter...trust me, it was the same for my son. He had been in an abusive, neglectful home where Mom had almost killed him because of her neglect and then went from one home to another in rapid succession and none stable. I'm sure he was molested at one point. The sad fact is, we can not change his past..nor could we save him from it. He didn't want to be loved by the time we got him and was way too damaged to live in a family, but he was so good at hiding it that nobody told us he was anything except a great kid.
Although we could not save him, we tried our best by telling CPS about him and getting him out of the community so that he could not act out his anger a nd dysfunction and sexuality on any other children. There is a good probability that your daughter has sexually abused other children as well as the ones that you know about. She is dangerous, regardless of what made her that way.
Once our child was put into a juvie center, he STILL tried to perp on other kids. This is with camera running everywhere. He had no remorse for his actions and no real understanding as to why he did what he did and no memory of being abused, although obviously he had been.
We, as adoptive parents, have big hearts and want to help and NEVER want to think that any child is a hopeless case. That's why we adopted this boy and how we felt. We learned the hard way that it's not true. There are kids who can not be helped because it is too late. The system has failed them. But, even though it is the system's fault, the child we had could not live safely in a community without putting every young child he met at risk. And he could be charming. I could just see him getting a young child to trust him (shudder).
You are good people and you meant well, just like we did.
If you take your daughter for counseling anywhere, as mandatory reporters, they are going to have to tell CPS and turn her in anyway. I wish all of you good luck. Please...don't let your child wander the neighborhood unsupervised.
Hugs and keep us posted. We all realize how difficult this is for your entire family.
You have GREAT insight into your daughter...trust me, it was the same for my son. He had been in an abusive, neglectful home where Mom had almost killed him because of her neglect and then went from one home to another in rapid succession and none stable. I'm sure he was molested at one point. The sad fact is, we can not change his past..nor could we save him from it. He didn't want to be loved by the time we got him and was way too damaged to live in a family, but he was so good at hiding it that nobody told us he was anything except a great kid.
Although we could not save him, we tried our best by telling CPS about him and getting him out of the community so that he could not act out his anger a nd dysfunction and sexuality on any other children. There is a good probability that your daughter has sexually abused other children as well as the ones that you know about. She is dangerous, regardless of what made her that way.
Once our child was put into a juvie center, he STILL tried to perp on other kids. This is with camera running everywhere. He had no remorse for his actions and no real understanding as to why he did what he did and no memory of being abused, although obviously he had been.
We, as adoptive parents, have big hearts and want to help and NEVER want to think that any child is a hopeless case. That's why we adopted this boy and how we felt. We learned the hard way that it's not true. There are kids who can not be helped because it is too late. The system has failed them. But, even though it is the system's fault, the child we had could not live safely in a community without putting every young child he met at risk. And he could be charming. I could just see him getting a young child to trust him (shudder).
You are good people and you meant well, just like we did.
If you take your daughter for counseling anywhere, as mandatory reporters, they are going to have to tell CPS and turn her in anyway. I wish all of you good luck. Please...don't let your child wander the neighborhood unsupervised.
Hugs and keep us posted. We all realize how difficult this is for your entire family.
rejectedmom
New Member
Hello and welcome. I am sorry you are in this position but glad you have found support here. Your daughter is 15... only three years till she is considered and adult under the law. Even at 15 within some states, she could be charged as an adult. Just because you reported her actions a couple weeks ago and nothing has been done does not mean that nothing will be done. It often takes time before an investigation is launched or CPS takes action. It is my understanding that all reports to CPS of this type of behavior must be investigated, so I would retain that lawyer. It is possible you will need him in the comming weeks.
I agree with all that has been said about broken children and love not being enough. I have one adopted child for which this totally applies. I also agree that your daughter is a predator and needs to be supervised 24/7 and kept away from all vulnerable children. Right now people still see her as a child but in 3 short years she will be considered something far worse if her behaviors continue or esculate.
I know people who have revoked their adoptions to get the child out of their home and into services. They had to do this both for the safety of others and for the child herself. It might be something your lawyer could investigate and inform you on. None of this is easy, and my heart breaks for you. Try to always remember you went into this with the best of intentions and managed the best you could. Unfortunately some children are too broken to live in family settings. It is not their fault nor that of the famiy in which they were placed. It just is. I know these are hard words to hear. As a parent we feel we need to protect our child. It is a hard transition in our way of thinking to accept that we must protect ourselves and others from our child.
I agree with all that has been said about broken children and love not being enough. I have one adopted child for which this totally applies. I also agree that your daughter is a predator and needs to be supervised 24/7 and kept away from all vulnerable children. Right now people still see her as a child but in 3 short years she will be considered something far worse if her behaviors continue or esculate.
I know people who have revoked their adoptions to get the child out of their home and into services. They had to do this both for the safety of others and for the child herself. It might be something your lawyer could investigate and inform you on. None of this is easy, and my heart breaks for you. Try to always remember you went into this with the best of intentions and managed the best you could. Unfortunately some children are too broken to live in family settings. It is not their fault nor that of the famiy in which they were placed. It just is. I know these are hard words to hear. As a parent we feel we need to protect our child. It is a hard transition in our way of thinking to accept that we must protect ourselves and others from our child.
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buddy
New Member
I am so impressed by how you are handling this. I am glad you have each other to lean on. Great that your boys are older so can report to you anything that happens.
I actually am glad, sorry to say this, that if she was to be adopted it was with you. We wonder why sometimes, these terrible things happen, but I can't imagine her with many people who could handle this and get her to a safe place. Maybe this was the purpose of her being placed with you in the long run. I am sure this was not your dream for having a daughter added to your family. My heart breaks for her. She does sound like she has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and you already said that she probably feels more comfortable in a larger/instituational setting. I have read and heard in work shops that this is often true. If there is any chance for those few who are really hurt like this (I suspect it is not as "few" when we look at the world as a whole...how many kids are left to fend for themselves in our world, very sad) it may just be to have them in as "nice" and good a residential placement as possible. Really sad to think what was probably a healthy baby was so damaged like this. And that this is still going on in our world.
I am not trying to say this was "meant to be" or anything, just that for me, I get into the why? thing at times. It helps me to look at a bigger picture and if what comes out of this is a girl who would probably have died or lived in a horrific existence for the rest of her life ends up at least in a place where she can have treatment and supervision for life... that is much better. I hope that doesn't sound dismissive. I really mean it in a caring way. I dont know where you are with this, but I would expect that once the shock and going thru the motions to get her into care happens, you may really go through a huge grief process. I hope you can hold on to each other and get through it becoming even closer as a family unit. And we will still be here for you.
LUV and CONCERN,
Buddy
I actually am glad, sorry to say this, that if she was to be adopted it was with you. We wonder why sometimes, these terrible things happen, but I can't imagine her with many people who could handle this and get her to a safe place. Maybe this was the purpose of her being placed with you in the long run. I am sure this was not your dream for having a daughter added to your family. My heart breaks for her. She does sound like she has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and you already said that she probably feels more comfortable in a larger/instituational setting. I have read and heard in work shops that this is often true. If there is any chance for those few who are really hurt like this (I suspect it is not as "few" when we look at the world as a whole...how many kids are left to fend for themselves in our world, very sad) it may just be to have them in as "nice" and good a residential placement as possible. Really sad to think what was probably a healthy baby was so damaged like this. And that this is still going on in our world.
I am not trying to say this was "meant to be" or anything, just that for me, I get into the why? thing at times. It helps me to look at a bigger picture and if what comes out of this is a girl who would probably have died or lived in a horrific existence for the rest of her life ends up at least in a place where she can have treatment and supervision for life... that is much better. I hope that doesn't sound dismissive. I really mean it in a caring way. I dont know where you are with this, but I would expect that once the shock and going thru the motions to get her into care happens, you may really go through a huge grief process. I hope you can hold on to each other and get through it becoming even closer as a family unit. And we will still be here for you.
LUV and CONCERN,
BuddyThank you for your insights and compassion and encouragement (that we are doing what is right). We talked to her tonight and she seemed totally happy; this is a new adventure in her life. I think she likes the idea of having parents that care about her, that send her letters, visit but doesn't really in any way, shape or form able to be in any kind of relationship that is not totally surface. She told me tonight that she has a new best friend. She has asked about us visiting but hasn't pushed it (the center is 4 and a half hours away and we are not planning on going this weekend.
H
HaoZi
Guest
Coming in late to this, as I wasn't sure how to respond. I've had friends that have been victims, but I cannot imagine what you're going through as a mother. *hugs*
JJJ
Active Member
Wow -- that is scary. No remorse, no grief, nothing.
Be prepared for a phone call begging you to bring her home (this will come after she either gets in trouble there, they won't give her something she wants or she gets bored). Stay strong and remember that it is a manipulation.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I did and I'm amazed. Two things jump out at me...maybe because the parents did not do the calling, they can't do anything. Our children had to be checked out physically for signs of sexual abuse before they did much, HOWEVER they did get the boy out of our house. Also, I sadly agree that some don't think a female can sexually abuse. If you say "sexual abuse" here, and it is a boy, CPS will be there as soon as they can get here.
this boy also had no remorse or grief. His biggest fear was that he wouldn't be able to get money from us anymore. Right before they took him out of the house, and he was packing, he managed to sneak out long enough to tell our six year old, "Oh, I'll be back." He said it in a menacing way.
But he never did come back and we dissolved the adoption for the sake of the three younger victims living in our house at the time (besides our two other adopted kids, we had a foster child who he had perped on really badly). He was seven.
The juvie Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for youn sexual predators did not allow this boy to call anybody so really never spoke to him after he left.
buddy
New Member
Makes perfect sense from what I have read an heard... no WAY she can show weakness even if she did feel it. That really does go along with the whole Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) diagnosis you have. She actually may be happier and better able to control herself there. She will have issues for sure but the needing to act like she can be in a family is off the table. She just needs to be able to get along in the world and hopefully this will help her do that. I think it is a great idea to take a break and not go up this weekend. This is not like a kid who is in a hospital for a kidney transplant or whatever... She needs time to adjust and heaven knows you need time to decompress with your other kids. Still impressive!
